Disconnected

I have to admit that while birthmothering is part of the fabric of my being, it is not currently something I live with every day. After going through a time of reunion and getting to know one another, my birthdaughter and I are currently not speaking. So this isn't something I think about very much. I admit even writing one blog a week connecting the birthmother part of me to the rest of my life is sometimes a stretch.

For this reason, things sometimes happen and it takes me a while to connect the dots. Like recently, I found myself without my children. My folks had graciously taken them so my husband and I could get away for a few days to reconnect (and sleep!). It was an awesome gesture on their part and much appreciated.

A couple nights in, I had trouble falling asleep. I had done all of my regular nighttime rituals and yet sleep didn't come. I relaxed. I counted sheep. I read. I read some more. Something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Hours went by. Hours. It was grueling. And as the time went on, instead of getting tireder and closer to sleep, I grew more and more... something. I cried. I prayed. I was freaking out, that much was clear. And although I reminded myself how safe and loved and cared for my children were with my folks, nothing helped.

Finally I connected the "being without my children for a few days" part of me to the "being without my firstborn daughter forever" part of me. Holy cow. I mean, I really thought I was headed straight for the psych ward.

That's what I'm talking about. Since my current life is so disconnected from that part of my life, I sometimes miss out on the total picture. Once the bigger picture became clear, I was able to pray more intentionally and find peace and rest.

Is birthmothering where you live all the time? Or is it just one part of your life?

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