And I was still years away from meeting my birthdaughter.
In some respects, maybe that was easier. Maybe it was better not knowing and still having hope of a relationship. It was wonderful fantasizing about the relationship we would have one day when she was older and settled and started having her own children.
That's the trouble with Memory Lane. It's not reality. It's just an imaginary world we hold in our head. But the reality is that it wasn't better then. The not knowing was eating at me and in 2001, I was making some pretty bad choices. I kept thinking that I was fine, that I was good and healthy. But my behavior said otherwise.
Now that I'm on this side of it, that's all changed. Even though she's choosing not to have a relationship with me, I know. I have met her and gotten to know her and her parents. That curious part of me has been assuaged, no matter what the future holds.
God reminds me to keep looking forward. No, I will never forget the things that are past. But I can't live there and dwell on those things. Isaiah 43:18-19 says "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! How it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."