Friday, February 25, 2011

Upcoming Date

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I have a date coming up.  No, it’s not with my boyfriend.  It’s with my daughter.  I go to visit her and her parents on March 7th.  I’m already nervous.  I’m excited too, but the nervous part of me is winning out over the being excited part.

Again, it’s the worrywart in me.  T and C know that I am, though I’ve never told them that I worry about the visits.  I worry that seeing Mackenzie will cause me to do something or say something that will freak them out.  It would be completely unintentional and pretty much unfounded in anything I truly think or feel.  I’m at peace with my decision.  Though I’ll always struggle with occasional sadness and/or some feelings of regret, I know I made the best decision for myself and more importantly for my little girl.  I know she’s happy.  I know that all her needs and wants are being met, both physically and emotionally.  She’s well adjusted and well loved. 

But that doesn’t help my paranoia.  It happens EVERY time I get ready for a visit.  Each time none of what I fear comes to fruition.  She doesn’t avoid me.  I get grins.  Each time I’m just happy to be around her and see how happy she is.  Of course I leave with post-visit euphoria too.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I don’t struggle with worry or even nervousness about upcoming visits.  If I’ll ever get to the point where excitement and elation are the only emotions I feel.  I hope so.  Until then, I’ll remind myself of the previous visits and how they’ve gone with the hopes that those thoughts will help dissipate the worry that I feel.

What about all of you?  Do you deal with nervousness or worry too?  What do you do to cope?

~ Monika


  1. I'm always nervous before visits too. I wonder if it will always be that way? I sometimes get a sense of dread too and almost have to force myself to follow through but then when I'm there, I'm so glad I'm there.

    Being a birthmom has so many confusing emotions doesn't it?

    Hugs Mon!

  2. I just had my second visit with my son. I get worried and nervous all the time. Will he like me? Will his parents and I fight? What ifs always cross my mind. In the end, all I can do is tell my self (usually out loud in whispered tones) "Its going to be alright" (sometimes I sing it like the Beatles do in "Revolution", lightens the mood a bit) and ride the visit out. There will always be What Ifs, no matter how comfortable and trusting the relationship between you and the adoptive parents, but you also will never know what will happen. All you can do is wait and see.

    I hope your visit went well and that ur worries went away the moment you saw ur child's face. I would also like to say I really like what you guys are doing here. I write my own blog describing my own personal experience as a birth mom. I've been looking around at others to see their perspective of adoption and such, and also just for support. I would really appreciate it if you would pop by my blog and tell me what you think. Its, it's called Choosing Love: An Adoption Story.

    Keep up the amazing job you and your friends are doing. I look forward to reading more. :)