My adoption journey has not been long compared to that of many birth mothers, but in my few years I have come to realize that adoption has many faces. Time has changed how many people view adoption and what can be expected, but even among those with the "same" kind of adoption there can be many variations. So the reality is that there are differences , but why then does it seem So many people have a picture in their heads of what an adoption should be?
Along my journey I have struggled with changes within the adoptive family, and my own, and how these changes have in turn caused a change in my relationship with my son. I often wonder how the adoptive family seems to be swayed by the ideas of what they, or others, have pictured of what adoption should be.
Between all of us birth mothers here how many of us have the same story? None. We all have a unique journey and different wants, needs, and desires. We often share emotions and common thoughts or feelings, but we are unique. So why can't our adoptions all be as unique as we are?
Each child that has been adopted is unique. Each birth mother is unique, and each adoptive family is unique. What is right for one family may not be right for another, but that doesn't make it wrong. How do we decide? Well for me, and other birth mothers I have talked to, the decision making resides with the adoptive family.
As a birth mother this feeling of helplessness and lack of control is incredibly scary. I see that someone else is entirely responsible for making decisions for my son, and these decisions often affect the children I am raising at home.
Adoption is not easy. There does not seem to be one correct answer, but I believe there are MANY! As birth moms we have made the most unselfish decision that could be made for our children. A decision that often causes us unbearable pain. I know that when I made this decision I trusted that the adoptive parents would always make decisions for my son based only on what was best for him. So what do we do when we feel that is not happening as it should? Well... I have yet to figure this one out! I do not know if there is anything we can do but pray, trust, and believe things will work out as they are meant to be.
I hope that one day the world will see the many faces of adoption. Each situation is unique and that is OK!! When the world can accept the many different realities of adoption and the lives of birth mothers I believe so many things will be easier. We do not need to fit the mold of someone who secretly placed their child for adoption. We should be able to be proud of our decision! Our adoption relationship does not need to be any particular way, but rather should grow and blossom in whatever way is best for the child first, birth mom and adoptive parents second.
For anyone who is having a hard time and needs the extra support, just remember: be strong!! Be proud!! Be brave!! Love hard!!!