Lately it seems like life has been a constant roller coaster of emotions. Things seem to fall into place only to fall apart. This seems to be true as well with the journey of being a birth mother. For me, this is a central part of who I am. Each day I feel the pain as if it's new, and each day I choose to smile through the hurt because of the joy I see in my son's eyes. As life moves forward each day brings different challenges, and recently I have had the chance to really reflect on the realities that are my life now, 5 years after my son's birth.
I seem to be at a crossroads in my life where everything seems to be changing all at once. For someone like me change is never easy. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my son and his relationship with his biological siblings and my family. When I was 17 and making an adoption plan for my son I knew that someday I would have other children and a family with me all the time, and I knew I wanted ALL my children to have a relationship. I think I knew it would be difficult at times to understand the situation surrounding each child's birth and how it all fit together, but at that time in my life I could never understand how deeply the changes that would occur could affect my life. As I began to grow and become the adult I always wanted to be I started to realize these things were going to affect my relationship with my son.
None of these changes would be my choice, which would make it all so much harder. With the birth of each child there seemed to be struggles with the adoptive parents as to how it all fit together. I could not, and still do not, understand how the birth of a sibling could change the love we all shared. As the adoptive parents were able to have other biological children things became even more difficult. To be honest, I cannot fully tell you why. I think this is simply one of the more difficult things we must experience as birth mothers within an open adoption. We do not have control over the choices the adoptive parents make for our sweet children. I cannot decide what will happen, and it is a feeling of complete at total fear as I have no control. It affects my son, but it also affects the children I am parenting.
It's hard to imagine how life will change, even if for the better, and that this could affect the relationship we were promised with our child. We all have different relationships and expectations,but for me it has always been depicted as an extended family. We have shared holidays, family get togethers, countless hours spent together, phone calls, pictures, tears, laughter, joy, and sorrow. We have walked the journey together as birth family and adoptive family. I trust that this will always continue, but as my life changes, I am fearful of the future.
As I face yet another time of change in my life, my husband and I await the birth of another child this fall, our children are growing, and my son is becoming more aware of things that surround him. I fear the things he may not understand, and the things I am not able to explain to him because I feel a longing as his mother to calm all his fears, to chase away any doubt, and to most importantly assure him of ALL of our love. I pray that he can feel my love and that through the changes and the hard times we will continue our relationship as it has always been, based on love, trust, and honesty. I place my son in God's hands and trust that no matter how hard the changes in life may be, the love we share will always be there, strong and pure. Always and Forever.