When I was young, I felt invincible. Nothing bad could ever happen to me. I was 18 and a freshman in college and ready to tackle the world. I had a good group of friends who liked to drink and party a lot. We danced and had fun and met new people, it was carefree. One weekend my friend Dan had his best friend M come up to visit. He was the cutest guy I had ever seen. We were never a couple because we didn't want to be tied down together. We decided we were both so young, too young for commitments. It stayed that way for a little while but it all changed when I found out I was pregnant only 4 months after meeting him.
Making the decision to want to go through an adoption isn't easy for anyone, but I knew I wasn't in any place to bring her into the stable home she deserved. M was in no place to be a father and he made it very clear that he was not interested in keeping the baby or being in a serious relationship. I knew what it was like growing up with a single parent with little financial resources and that wasn't the life I wanted for my daughter
My brother placed his daughter in an adoption several years before and he is not in contact with the family or birth mother. I knew this was going to make it harder to sway my family's opinions on an adoption. It was really hard on my mother at first, knowing that she would have two grandchildren that had been placed.
The only person who was initially supportive of the idea was my best friend back home, Kai. Almost everyone else thought I was making a decision I would regret and that I wouldn't be able to go through with the adoption. It gets lonely being one of the only one people who believes in yourself. I don’t think I would have been able to go through it without Kai and my amazing adoption worker.
I am so lucky that I found the agency that I had. The first thing my adoption worker said after I called her agency and explained my situation was "well first off, are you okay?" It touched my heart and I'll never forget it. For the first time someone was asking me how I was feeling about all of this.
I met A and J (the adoptive parents) when I was about six months along. After a little while, M had come around and attended every meeting he could with me.
We met them over breakfast with my adoption worker the first time. I just knew that they were the right family for us, we had just clicked so well and had even picked out the same name for the baby without knowing it! We met again before finalizing our decision but a few weeks later we told them they were going to be parents. They had struggled with loss and infertility and I was so thrilled to be able to help make their dreams come true.
I had developed pre-eclampsia during my third trimester and I ended up being induced on Halloween. E, however, didn't make her entrance into the world until 2 am on November 1st. She came into the world in the presence of M, my mom, Kai, and A & J.
She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life. A & J stayed for the first few hours so they could get to know their daughter. Seeing them hold her for the first time was a world of emotions. I was happy, sad, and jealous and so many other things that only birth moms can really understand. I knew I was making the right choice for E, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less.
Everybody tries to tell you about how difficult it is going to be but you don't really realize how hard it's going to be until you hold that little baby in your arms and everything in your body tells you to never let go. I think a lot of birth mothers can relate to that overwhelming feeling. I loved her and I wanted her more than anything in the entire world. We placed her directly to her adoptive parents at the hospital. We had to stay an extra night because she had developed jaundice (as a lot of babies do) but I was happy to have the extra time with her.
Leaving the hospital empty handed was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do and I am so thankful for her adoptive parents and how they treated me in the days, weeks and months after. They were extremely understanding and supportive. In the end my mother was also supportive and helped me a lot after the baby was born. I go to college but I live at home during the summer and my mother and I are closer than ever.
I am very excited to get to know all of you amazing ladies as a new blogger here on BirthMom Buds! Every story is unique and I'm looking forward to hearing them and offering each other the support we all need!