Monday, June 2, 2014

My Decision

Hey my name is Cassandra and I am from and live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I never thought in my whole life that I would decide to do adoption. 

In 2008 I was staying with a friend in Texas. I just wanted to see what it was like to live somewhere different. While in Texas, I met a guy named Danny; he was a truck driver. After dating a little while, we became a couple. I decided to go on the road with him just to see what it was like. Our relationship was really good at the beginning. I enjoyed the time I spent with him and going from state to state. 

A few months into our relationship, he started talking to his ex again. He would leave me in truck stops while he would stay in his truck to talk to his ex for hours and hours. I was tired of it but I thought things would change and I thought I was in love. My period was late and I kinda knew was pregnant. I was really really sick all the time. One day we decided to stay in a hotel right across the street from a store so I decided to go buy a test and just find out for myself if i was or not. While Danny was talking on the phone to his ex I went to the store and bought a test. I went back to the hotel and he kept trying to rush me to get out of the hotel so he could talk to his ex. I took the test and it was positive. i was so scared and freaked out. I didn't know what to do so I went out into the room and showed Danny the test. I was crying and he told me everything will be OK and then told me to go to the truck for awhile. It was hard because I wanted him to be there for me, not just tell me to go to the truck and we would talk about it later. 

While in the truck, I decided to call my sister. She said she would tell my parents and before we hung up she said, "Cass, have you thought about adoption?" That was the first time adoption ever entered my mind. Two days later, I was in a taxi going to the airport so I could fly home. My parents where very disappointed in me. I came home and decided to try to find a job so i could support myself and this new baby and didn't really think about adoption anymore.  

So there is a little more to my story; the reason for why I went to Texas in the first place was to get away from my 1 year old sons Dad. My parents were taking care of my son, Jordan, while I was in Texas. I was 17 when i had Jordan and being a mother and trying to deal with an abusive boyfriend was very hard so I ran away from my problems.  

I came home and established a great relationship with my little boy. I took care of him with my parents help. I kept telling myself if I didn't find a job in the next three months, I'd consider adoption again. I didn't hear from Danny at all. I would try to contact him but he wouldn't text me back or anything and it was hard. I wanted him to have a part in this baby's life. 

When I was 7 months pregnant I still hadn't found a job. I was hoping I would have a job by now so i could take care of my new baby boy. One afternoon, I Jordan was taking a nap and I was looking at him sleeping and started thinking I wasn't very good at being a parent to this sweet precious boy. He didn't have a mom and a dad together who loved each other and worked together. He had two parents that would fight constantly and were not together. I didn't want this life for Jordan so why would i want this life for this baby?  At that moment, I knew I was going to place this baby for adoption.I was scheduled for a C Section on December 29th. I had one month to figure out everything. I remember talking to my dad while sitting on the kitchen floor. I told him that decided what I wanted to do. I told him that I thought about it and adoption is what I decided and he told me he was proud of me and it was going to be hard but I would be strong enough to do it. My parents were both supportive because we were already raising my 1st son and I didn't want them to have to help me with with another. 

The next night my dad came home from work and told me that his co-worker Steve and his wife were looking to adopt. They had three kids of their own but couldn't have anymore and wanted one more. I decided not to look at any profiles and just get together and talk to them. A few days later, we went to the adoption agency to meet and talk about what was going to happen. We decided to have an open adoption and they wanted him to know that they were his parents and not me. We also decided I was going to have 48 hours with him in the hospital with my family. They would give me that time and would come up on placement day . Talking to them made everything feel so real. I was so sad and depressed. I was numb and just wanted this over with so I could move on with my life. 

The next month was so emotional. I cried every day. I knew this was going to be hard but I also knew that it was what I needed to do. I didn't have anymore contact with the adoptive family until the day before he was born when they told me they decided to name him Logan.

Logan was born via c section. I cried and kissed him all over after he was born. I had 48 hours with him my family. My son came to the hospital and got to see Logan. He was only 2 so he didn't really know what was going on. I didn't sleep at all. I wanted all the time I could have with him. 

On New Year's Eve of 2008, my adoption caseworker came up to the hospital and talked to me for a while. She was getting me ready to sign my papers. A little while later the adoptive couple came and I let the adoptive mom hold him and she put him in the outfit that he was going to go home from the hospital in. She was really grateful and happy. At about 10 am we went into separate rooms as it was time to sign papers. I thought I was going to be OK and not cry but every time my case worker read me a line of the relinquishment papers I would break down and cry. My mom and dad were in the room supporting me. My parents both knew that it was the right decision.I turned to look at my parents and my Dad was crying. After signing the papers, I held Logan  and cried for a few minuets. I gave him to my dad and my dad placed him into the adoptive moms arms. She gave me a hug, put Logan in his car seat, and left the hospital. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

My adoption hasn't been what I thought it was going to be. At first I had a open one but as soon as the adoption was final, they adoptive parents hardly talked to me and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I felt so sad, I didn't know what I had done to them.  At first it was really hard. It's still hard as I think about him everyday and hope someday they will contact me and send me pictures. I recently found out the adoptive parents got a divorce. I am sad because my reasoning for placing was so my son would have both parents. 

My life has changed so much since 2008. I met a guy in 2009 and I got married in 2012. I am so happy. 

1 comment:

  1. Hi Cassandra,

    Your story is very moving; you have been through so much and sound like an incredibly brave person.

    Have you contacted your adoption agency since your son's adoptive parents stopped talking to you? They should be able to help you to at least receive whatever updates you agreed upon when you made your adoption plan.

    Take care,
    Jessica at Adoptions Together