Saturday, October 11, 2014
Last night I went to the support group that is run by the adoption agency I placed through. It's a ways from my home and traffic isn't always pleasant. But I was determined. It had been a while since I had been to our support group. Also, there was a time there when the adoption agency wasn't having meetings. But I am really glad that they have started these up again.
At the support group there were three counselors and four birthmothers. One of the birthmothers I have known for three years now. To say she has supported and helped me through my journey is an understatement. Her daughter is several years older than my child and thus she understood many of the things I went through in the first few months and years. She is one of the reasons that I keep coming back to this group. But I also come back to try to repay that debt and help others just as she helped me.
The best thing about a birthmother support group is that there are other birthmothers are there. It's hard to find other birthmothers who are willing to talk about their experiences and their lives. We don't exactly go out wearing signs so we can find each other. If I've found birthmothers outside of the group, it was quite by accident and most likely because I said something about being a birthmother myself. We're a very closed bunch. We play this secret very close to the chest and are always mindful of how others react and what they may say to us. Because of that, it's hard to find people we can talk to about being a birthmother.
The support of friends and family is invaluable and I am not discrediting that. I have been extremely lucky in my circle of friends and in my family. But there are times when they just can't understand. Usually that's about the time I turn to the circle of birthmothers that I know and vent to them. There are just some things that only other birthmothers will understand. Why it hurts when you hear a baby cry. Why Christmas and kids toys make you a little distant. Why visits are great things, but at the same time are painful things too. And how it can break your heart to watch your child grow up over the years as you finally come to terms with everything that's happened.
I hope all of you have not only found support amongst your friends and family, but also in the birthmother community itself. We're all very different. We come from many different worlds. But we all have one thing in common. And we can understand each other within seconds. If you don't have a support group near where you live, please reach out online. This site is very good for finding other birthmothers who will understand you. If you need to reach out to someone who understands, please do. Every single one of us has been in your shoes, thinking the same thoughts, and crying the very same tears. We remember and we understand.