Jealousy can and will tear apart relationships of any kind such as business relationships, romantic relationships, and friendships. My point is this: lately, I have found myself insanely jealous of anyone with a child. When A was first born, I was jealous of women with infants. As she grew, I found myself jealous of women who had children who were around the age that she was at the given time. Lately, however, I have found myself jealous of people with kids of any age from newborns to pre-teens. I'm jealous of that relationship they have that I will never have with my daughter. Of course I hope to have a great relationship with her, but I will never be her mom. Even if, one day, she refers to me as her mother just like she will to C, I know that there will still be a huge gap there that "shouldn't" exist between a mother and child. I've also found myself jealous of women with children accompanied by their boyfriends/husbands/what have you. Just this evening, my mother and I were in Target and I saw a little girl in a carriage who, from the back, had hair that resembled my little girl's. I did a double-take, and then took note of the mom in sweatpants and a headband and (who I assume was) the dad pushing the carriage. Talking, laughing, having fun shopping for the family. I felt rage go through my body. Why am I standing here in "nice" clothes, my hair done perfectly, make up on...all alone? Why isn't G pushing our daughter around in the carriage? Why isn't he here with me period? I knew it then and I know it now as I type - it was irrational.
I feel as though I can't control it. I want what I can't have - I want what I had, but let go of. It's times like those that I wish I never signed the TPR. I know it's a small thing, it's a simple interaction between husband and wife...daughter and father...that makes me resent people who have that. I know it's not fair! It makes me angry at myself for thinking I couldn't do it, and angry at G for not stepping up to the plate more. He was involved and he was my emotional support during the pregnancy and after. But there was the underlying knowledge that he wouldn't be good for much more than that once she was born, and she needed more than that. So, standing in Target, I wished I had never signed the papers, I wished he was there at that very moment, and I wished that our child was walking and hopping around the store with us. But she wasn't and I know that that is because she was probably tucked into her crib, sleeping soundly while her parents (key word) were watching a movie or something of that nature. She is where she belongs. That, too, can make me jealous at times. When her mom wrote to me and told me that A now calls her "mama," I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. Sometimes, though, my doubts and emotions get the best of me.