Music Monday: Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

Quote of the Week: What Is

"A man should look for what is, 

and not for what he thinks should be."

- Albert Einstein

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Spotlight Blogger: Meet Amanda S.

This week's featured blogger is Amanda of "Forgotten Mom - My Journey as a FirstMom." Though this blog is fairly new, she's not new to blogging. So let's find out a little more about Amanda...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Amanda, I'm 34 and I live right in between Syracuse and Rochester in upstate NY. My daughter, T, was born in May of 2001 so I've been on this journey for over 11 years
now. It's hard to say what led me to my decision, as the face of my adoption story has changed so much over the years. It's gone from semi-open, to forcibly closed, to a recent semi-reunion! At the time, I felt a lot of pressure to do the right thing, I suppose. My blog explains a lot.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I had a blog way back when, however I was never good at updating. So a couple months ago I decided to start another one, and this is it. I wanted to blog because I had no other outlet for all the anger I was feeling. I wanted my voice for adoption reform heard. So far I've only written a few posts, but I hope to continue for a long time.

Tell us more about the title of your blog. Why did you choose it?

My blog is called  "Forgotten Mom - My Journey as a FirstMom." I call myself a First Mom, Natural Mom or just plain mom. I understand the birth mom moniker, I just prefer those. And the "forgotten" part - when your adoption is forcibly closed, you tend to feel forgotten.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

My blog is new so I haven't gotten a lot, but what I have gotten is positive!!

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time? Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

The first two blogs (First Entry & My Adoption Story, part 2)… Granted I don't have very many entries yet, but I think those are a must read so people know why I feel the way I do and why I'm so outspoken about reform.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

BE YOURSELF. Don't worry about negative feedback. If you're true to you, then that's all that matters.

What Would You Have Asked?

An interesting question was posted in one of the support groups I belong to on Facebook. One of the birthmoms asked a question directed towards birthmoms who placed an interracial child. She was wondering what, if any, questions we asked of the adoptive parents in regards to our child's ethnicity. She also asked what we would say if given the chance, and what any expectant moms who are placing plan to ask the hopeful adoptive parents. The answers ranged from "will you accept a child that belongs to a race other than yours?" to "will you honor our child's heritage/national holidays?".

As you may already know, my daughter is biracial. I never really thought twice about who we were placing her with (when it came to skin color or ethnicity). I just wanted a stable, loving, two-parent home for her. Her birthdad, however, had one request: that she be raised by a mixed race couple. He didn't care if her adoptive mom was Caucasian and her adoptive dad was African-American or the other way around - he just wanted her to have one parent of  "each." He felt this would help her to be able to identify with both sides of who she was, and I agreed (to a point). He also wanted her to look like them, which never really even crossed my mind. It was promised to me from the very beginning that she would always know she was adopted and would always know who we were to her, so her 'blending in' with them was never really an issue for me.

It got me to thinking...I never really asked her adoptive parents about this. They met her birthdad and I before she was born, so they were aware of the fact that she would be a mixed race baby.  I suppose I always assumed, since they were black and white, that had they been able to conceive a biological child, he/she would be as well. So they should have no problem, right?

Looking back, I wish I had asked some questions. At least, I feel as if I should have had questions to ask. I still can't really think of any, though. These days it is just as common to be a mixed-race child as it is to only take claim to one race. It's not like the 'old days,' where you had to choose one and identify with it.
Birthmoms of mixed race children - did you ask any specific questions of your child's adoptive parents, or did you have any criteria you wanted them to meet when it came to honoring your child's race? Adoptive parents, did you have any "preference" when it came to adopting? I know the majority of adoptive parents want a child to love and cherish whether that child is white or purple, but I'm just curious. If so, would you mind sharing the reason? And lastly, to any adoptees who may be reading - if you were adopted by parents of a race different from yours, how did you feel growing up in a culture that may have been different than that of your peers who you shared an ethnicity with? Or was it something you never thought twice about?

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Music Monday: Everything'll Be Alright by Josh Radin

Quote of the Week: Continue to Climb

"Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it."

 - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

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Triggered

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My mom lost a very dear friend of hers last week.  This friend was quite a bit older than my mother and they’d been friends for at least 30 years.  I remember going up to San Juan Island (off the northwest coast of Washington) every summer and spending a week with my mom, her friend and her husband on their property.  We would play badminton, dig for clams, and bait crab traps with the clams.  My sister and I would put on plays and stay up half the night roasting marshmallows for s’mores and then try not to giggle too loud in our beds as we were right above our mom in the loft of the guest “barn.”  It had never been a barn to house animals, but the structure was built like a barn nonetheless.

Though my mom and her friend obviously had quite a connection, I didn’t have the same connection with her.  When my mom called me Monday morning to notify me of her friend’s death and to ask me to come to the memorial service this Sunday, I was sad but not heartbroken.  However, as the week has worn on I’ve found myself getting snappy at stupid things and feeling something close to anxious.  I sometimes get that way when I have a lot on my mind and need to write, but I’ve been blogging so I didn’t think that was it.

As I was categorizing thoughts in my head as I tend to do and deciding what to write about for my post here this week, I came to the realization that though the connection to my mom’s friend was never a strong one, it’s triggering in me the feelings of loss that are always threatening to come to the surface.  Just when I think that I’m coping well with adoption, the tornado I’ve mentioned before comes and sucks me in again.

I’ve started to figure out what situations I might find myself in that would trigger different aspects of grief.  But I wasn’t prepared that the loss of someone I really didn’t know well would trigger my own feelings of adoption loss.  I don’t miss my daughter more than any other time, nor am I worried that the relationship Nick and I have built with her parents is just going to suddenly disappear like I used to be.  Those would be huge adoption loss scenarios.  I think that’s what bewildered me most about this situation.

However, admitting that I’m dealing with this and writing my feelings down in the form of a post has been very healing for me.  I don’t know how I will cope on Sunday.  I might break down more than I expect to do, I might not feel anything at all, or I might be somewhere in between.  We’ll just have to see how it plays out.

Have you had any triggers for your loss that you haven’t expected?  How did you deal with those feelings?

Quitting

Ok, so my last post on Signs seemed to ring true with some of you. So I'm sure the title of this week's blog is intriguing. But seriously. Stop. It. Now. This is just ridiculous! If it's not one thing it's another. And that goes for... well, just about everything.

Ever have a time when it seems each task you undertake, each chore you seek to accomplish, even little things like errands are so hard? Maybe the midwest heat is scrambling my brain this summer. Or maybe I'm just getting old, but my word even the tiniest detail seems to be so difficult.

Last weekend we traveled, to the in-laws no less, and as we're driving back I'm throwing up into a ziploc bag in the car. No joke. I mean, really Lord? What exactly am I supposed to be learning through that?

I will confess, though, that the Lord was my only option. I thought I was going to die in that car, right in front of my children. I felt so miserable, so hot and so cold and so sick all at the same time, that I just kept praying and reciting scripture. For real. My options were truly limited.

Maybe that's the point of all of this. Maybe a few weeks back when I felt that overwhelming need to pray more that should have been my first clue to pray more, you know what I mean? But there's so much that needs doing!

So I'm committing, again, to pray more and worry less this week about the things that need doing. How about you?

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Moving forward

Moving forward, that seems easier said then done. To me moving forward would consist of forgiving myself, and the others who had a hand in handling my adoption.  I just am not ready to do that at this time.  It is just to painful for me.  I try to interact with the family member's responsible for all this pain they caused me and my husband, but it is hard.  I have no desire to be around or have a relationship with them.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel this way, I know it is probably not the right thing plus it is unhealthy.

Moving forward means healing, forgiving, accepting, and making a future for myself, my husband and our birth son.  I do see my birth son (not as often as I would like) and we do talk but I look at him and my heart just breaks for all I missed. He is happy with his girlfriend and their new baby (shes 4 1/2 months) and he just got a great paying job.  I am proud of him for what he has done with his life.  He is responsible and will do anything for his family.

It is really hard feeling like the outsider all the time.  I always feel like I have no right to call and go visit my granddaughter or to ask if I can take her for the day. I cherish every moment I spend with her because I don't know if it will be the last.  My head just swirls with thoughts and emotions all the time over this.  Being a birth mom and entering into your birth child's life is scary.  Never knowing what to expect or what could happen. While I am visiting with my grand daughter, I have a huge fear that my birth son's adopted mom may just show up there, then what would I do.

I have thought about that a lot, if his adopted mom came to where I was, I honestly don't know what I would do.  We have no relationship with his adopted parents, it just never happened and honestly I don't think it ever will.  But I can live with that.  I am not ready for something that big to happen especially now.  It has been two years and two months since I had a reunion with my birth son, so I don't think a relationship of that kind will happen.

I do feel sometimes that my birth son has more on his mind than he says.  He always looks in very deep thought.  He now knows the real truth behind what happened and I think he is questioning why it happened that way.  He knows things weren't really handled the right way, they were keeping everything from the birth dad.  He and his girlfriend have said to my husband that we should be able to do something about what happened.  Someone needs to answer for what they did to me and my husband and to our birth son.  My husband is really close with our birth son and they talk about this all the time.

I just want to tell him so much how much I care for him and love him.  I want him to know that my heart breaks everyday that he is not here with us, that his memories of childhood don't involve me and his birth dad.  It is like a sore that won't heal feeling like this.  I don't want to burden him with this talk, it is not his fault that this happened.  I don't want to add to what might already be a touchy subject for him.  I am his birth mom and I feel I should be able to say "I love you" to my birth son, but I know that this is not the time to do that.  But every time I see him, he looks like there is something he is thinking, I can see it in his eyes.  Almost like regret or pain or disappointment.

I do have some letters I wrote to him and they explain all of this; from my heartbreak to how much I love and missed him to what my life was like at that time.  I truly feel I should give these to him, but then I have that fear he will say he doesn't want them or something like that.  I am probably over reacting to all this but I just don't know what I should do.  Two years has gone by, shouldn't I have given him this already?

Do you have letters and cards for your birth child and did you give them to your child?  Was the reaction what you expected?

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Music Monday: Far Away by Nickelback

Quote of the Week: Worth Living

"Believe that life is worth living 
and your belief will help create the fact." 
- William James



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Spotlight Blogger: Monika

If you have been reading this blog for long, then you already know Monika as she posts weekly. She also interviews other birthmom bloggers for the Weekend Spotlights every other week. Monika has a personal blog, Monika's Musings, as well and I thought it'd be fun to turn the tables and ask Monika some questions this week!

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Monika, and I currently live just south of Tacoma, WA with my partner and daughter’s birth father, Nick.  I was 34 when I relinquished, and I’m 36 now.

I didn’t know I was pregnant until my daughter was delivered via emergency c-section on November 10, 2009.  Nick and I had just met at the end of January that year and he deployed to Iraq in July.  I was staying near Corvallis, OR with a friend, and though Nick and I had talked about marrying someday at that point, I didn’t know if we’d be together after his return or not.  When my daughter arrived, I thought that even if Nick and I stayed together, he’d be deploying every other year for a year, for who knows how long.  I had no desire to single parent for those years and not only deal with my own sadness but deal with our daughter’s sadness too.  I know lots of people that have made excellent single parents.  I just knew it wasn’t the choice for me, or for us, and Nick agreed.  I also knew having been in childcare before high school graduation and being a nanny after that exactly what went into the care of a child.  I felt neither emotionally or physically equipped to handle her care the way I wanted her to be raised, so I told the hospital that I wanted to relinquish her to adoption.

At that time, I had no concept of open adoption, so I didn’t name her or hold her in the hospital after she was delivered.  I figured if I wasn’t going to see her again for at least 18 years that it would be too hard to bond with her and then give her to someone else to raise.  What I didn’t know was that despite the fact that I had no idea I was pregnant, the bond between us had already been created.  Not holding her or naming her in the hospital are the two things I regret about the way things turned out.  Due to my own physical complications surrounding her birth, the state did not believe I was mentally able to make an adoption decision so they put her in state foster care.  During the wait for court dates to prove I was capable not only of raising her should I decide to do so, but I was also capable of making an adoption plan, I was introduced to the idea of open adoption by my adoption caseworker.  I chose my daughter’s adoptive parents and after a final court appearance on January 4, 2010, I relinquished my rights to my daughter and gave her to her parents.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I started blogging January 4, 2011, exactly a year after my daughter’s relinquishment.  No, I didn’t remember that date.  I looked at my post history on my blog.  My blog didn’t originally start out as a solely adoption-related blog.  In fact when I first started I didn’t believe I had any talent for writing at all.  I started my blog because I’d been chatting in the BirthMom Buds chat room and several of the birth moms suggested that their blogs had been great for them to process their emotions.  I figured that I’d post a few blogs about my emotions after visits or getting updates from her parents, but I thought it would be mainly a place to post odd things I’d run into online or in my life offline.  Oh, how I was wrong!  My blog has now become my platform to speak out for positive change in the world of adoption, and to voice my opinions about all things adoption-related.  I don’t regret that change at all.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

I chose “Monika’s Musings” because one of my favorite blogs then and now is Coley’s Corner.  I loved the alliteration in the title of her blog and wanted something similar for my own.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

The response overall has been very positive.  I’ve met a multitude of very supportive people from every side of the adoption triad and their comments show how supportive they are.  Of course since my blog has become so focused not only on my own adoption situation but adoption in general that brings out a lot of passionate opinions.  I’ve had a few comments that one might consider negative, but I can respect those opinions for the fact that they’re coming from different experiences and differing opinions.  I really don’t mind an occasional “negative” comment because it gives me a different point of view and allows me to learn more about adoption in general.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

A must read post is the page I created to house the story of my daughter’s birth and relinquishment.  This will give new readers an in-depth narration of how I became a birth mother and I hope a little insight into why I’m so passionate about adoption. 

One of my favorite, more recent posts is entitled “Oh the Legalities.”  I have strong opinions about legally enforceable contact agreements.  I was inspired to write this particular post after one of my friends, who also happens to be an adoptive mom, voiced to me some of her issues with their agency forcing them through their contract to send updates to their son’s birth parents.  They would want to do this anyway as she and her husband feel strongly that their son should have a relationship with his birth parents, but the updates are just sitting at the agency because their son’s parents aren’t accepting them.  That whole situation causes me immense sadness. 

A “crowd favorite” happens to be arecent post I wrote and published shortly before TLC aired a show called “Birth Moms.”  This post has been my most well-read post in the entirety of my blog and inspired a whole discussion in the comments section as well.  Because of the popularity of the post and the subsequent discussion in the comments, this has now become another favorite of mine.  I also did a follow-up post after the airing of the show.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

Especially if you decide to make your blog adoption-related: Be consistent and careful.  This does not mean I’m suggesting you not be honest about your feelings or that you hide when you’re struggling.  Just keep in mind that what goes on the internet is there forever.  Your child or even your child’s adoptive parents may stumble upon it someday and if your message isn’t consistent with what you’ve told them, that could cause issues.  This would apply even if your blog is not adoption-related.  Also if you’re blogging about your relinquished child and his or her parents, I would suggest nicknames, fake names, or even initials.  This respects their privacy without robbing you of the ability to tell your story from your point of view.  Be open.  If you decide to blog about anything you’re bound to run into differing opinions from your own.  Expect that and it won’t surprise you when it happens.  However, a blog can be a wonderful tool for giving you access to that feeling of community.  I know that my blog has opened up my world and that’s a great feeling.

Signs

Did you ever wonder if someone is trying to get your attention? Did lots of alike things suddenly start happening in a row that made you go "Hmmm.."?

Let me give you an example.

First, the air in our van went out. Well, that was fine because it was going into winter and nobody cared.

Then we moved. That went okay. Nothing major lost or damaged.

But then another car went on the blink.

And then the microwave started acting funny.

And THEN it was like the oven was suddenly posessed and instead of turning off kept getting hotter and hotter until I was afraid the house would catch on fire.

So I flipped the breaker and the problem was gone, for now.

While all of this is going on, I have had this sudden urge to pray more. I've even thought about setting up an altar or a specific prayer place, which I've not done before. Usually I pray whenever and wherever. But this time seems different.

Do you think someone is trying to get my attention? I wonder what he wants? Has this ever happened to you?

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Chance Encounters

I had the privilege of meeting a wonderful woman last week. We were let out of work early for the 4th of July and I happened to be walking out of the door to the stairwell at the same time she was. I held the door open, and as she passed through, she said, "I have to ask now just because I'm curious...what does your tattoo say?" I explained that it was my daughter's birth date and that it read "always in my heart." She said "oooh," but I could hear in her voice that she wanted to ask what happened, but didn't think fit was her place. I said, "she was adopted at birth, so I got this as a way to honor her." She thought I meant that I myself had adopted her, and went on to tell me about how she adopted both of her daughters, too. I told her that I actually had given birth to her, but placed her for adoption with another family. The woman (who I will call Katie, even though that isn't her real name) looked as if she was about to cry. She said she had never met or had a conversation with another birthmom outside of the two adoptions she took part in, and I told her that I had, in fact, never talked with another adoptive mom, other than my daughter's, face-to-face, either.

We talked for a while...maybe about thirty minutes...and she asked me what led to my choice to place my little girl, etc. The questions she asked would have sounded invasive had they come from anyone else, but I could tell she was truly interested and not judging me one single bit. She asked me how her birthdad and I came to choose the family we did; what qualities did they have, was he on board with me, etc. She shared with me that her two adopted girls were also biracial and they have an open adoption with one girl's birth family but not the other (apparently it was the birth family's choice - this adoption also took place eleven years ago, when things were a little different).

By the end of the conversation, we were both in tears and she concluded that we both needed a hug. It was an amazing conversation and was even more extraordinary because I have passed this woman in the halls many times and had no idea who she was. I work in a very large corporation, so I am bound to be unaware of who 50% of the people working there are. Our entire meeting simply struck me, though, because I was in such a rush to leave because we had an early dismissal but after meeting her and hanging around and talking,  I started to wonder why everyone (or the majority of people) are always in a hurry to rush every aspect of their lives. I was in a rush....to do what? Enjoy being out early, of course, but what would I have done? Come home and read? Sit on the computer? I wanted to beat the traffic, but had I left, I would have missed out on an extremely touching conversation. I'm glad that I didn't.

I will leave you with what she told me when we parted ways: she told me that she knows it's probably hard for me right now, and always will be, but that I should be sure that my daughter will always be loved by so many people. She said that my daughter will very likely love me for what I did for her and also told me that if I'm ever feeling down to just remember that I am an angel, and that people like me are the reason she gets to be a parent to two beautiful girls.

She's right. Not to toot my own horn, but she is right. In my personal case, everyone in the adoption triad is an angel. My daughter's adoptive parents are angels for raising her the way I always imagined she would be raised. Her birth father and I are, in a way, angels to her adoptive family for giving her life and giving them a new meaning of life in her. And last but definitely not least, our daughter is an angel to everyone single one of the lives she has touched, not only through her adoption, but just for being part of this world.

I wanted to be sure to share that last part with you all - whether you are a birth parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, or adoptee - I really believe you are all angels!

Have you ever had a touching conversation with someone on the opposite end of the triad as you?

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Support

I think it is really important to have support in place for you to have while coping with your emotions.  My support is my husband,  this website and my own personal blog.  Sometimes I feel like I should take a step further to add another support system.  Lately I have been having a lot of trouble coping with what has happened and all the unanswered questions that we are still trying to find answers to.  I have been struggling for the last 2 weeks and it seems it is getting harder.

When you start feeling like your world is getting away from you and you don't have any control over your emotions, it is time to find another support to use.  It is hard for anyone to understand the pain you go through after an adoption.  Counseling could be a really good resource to use to help cope and talk things out.  I know a lot of the emotions I am feeling is guilt and sadness.  My own personal story was not something I wanted so it seems to be hard for me to come to terms with and let go so that I can move on.

I know there are probably a lot of you out there that are feeling the same way I am feeling now.  You should reach out and talk to someone here at BirthMom Buds.  Leave a comment on a post and we can respond back or join the forums and write a post about how you are feeling. Having somewhere to go when your feeling down. It is important to heal.  I know that I have to write every week so that it can be published on this site and it helps to know that I can write what I am feeling and someone out there is listening and understanding me.  I also hope that my words will encourage and help someone else.

Just know you are never alone in any of this and everyone is more than willing to listen and be there for you.  I love the fact that I can log on and go through all the different blogs and read what is going on in other birth mom's minds.  A lot of the blogs are like someone is writing what is happening in my mind.  It is a good thing to read those.  My advice would be to log on everyday and read the blogs, I started going to the ones that I could relate to from my own story of adoption.  I especially like some of the quotes and poems, they are beautiful and touching.

I am starting to write more and get my thoughts out, even though it is on paper and no one reads it, it does help.  I feel like I am talking to someone and it is like a relief for me.  I feel much better after I have written what is happening.  So keep writing and expressing yourself, it can help heal you.  It is a long hard road, but support is always here and available for you to use.

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Music Monday: Halo by Beyonce

Quote of the Week: Experiment

"All life is an experiment. 
The more experiments you make the better." 
- Ralph Waldo Emerson 


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The Tornado of Adoption

The other day, Rebecca of "Love Is Not a Pie" was telling me about a dream that she had last night about a tornado and how she was yelling at people who were cheering because the tornado missed them.  How could people be glad about a tornado missing them when it was ripping apart others' lives, after all?  She then mentioned that tornadoes have connections to adoption too, and that inspired me to do some thinking.

As a birth mom I could say that when I relinquished my daughter I was saving her from a tornado.  I was saving her from a life I didn't want for her and giving her a life outside that tornado.  I saw the tornado barreling right into my path and instead of subjecting her to that life inside the tornado of emotions and life turmoil, I put her in a place where I thought she would be safe from that.  I'm not saying that I believe she won't have any mini tornadoes of turmoil in her own life.  I don't think that's possible.  But exposing her to the tornado of my life the way it was then and is now is something that I can and did prevent.

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When I saved Mack from the tornado, I exposed myself to a new tornado of emotions.  This tornado will always be there.  Sometimes I'm in the eye of the tornado.  Things are calm, and I can see blue skies.  I can even concentrate on those blue skies by looking up and not focusing on the tornado whirling just out of my immediate reach.  But tornadoes are out of my control.  They capture me again and whirl me around in the confusion and grief.  There's nothing I can do about those emotions but hold on to the hope that I will be in the eye again soon.  This is a lifetime tornado, always passing in and out of the eye.

When I'm in the eye I can also concentrate on helping other people caught in their own tornadoes, their own whirlwinds of emotion, confusion, and grief.  I know the pain and loss they endure because my tornado is similar.  I know the destructive emotions that feel like they're never going to end or even take a break.  These emotions inspire me to speak out for ethical adoptions and to use my blog as my positive voice for truly open adoptions.  Part of the reason I speak out is because I know the tornado and I want those who step into those tornadoes to be stepping in with both eyes open, not because they were coerced by the adoption industry as a whole to do so.

The firsthand knowledge of the tornado is why I have a difficult time with anyone who likes adoption but who doesn't speak out for adoptee access to their original birth certificates or with the industry people that are gleeful when parents relinquish their rights to their babies without appreciating the heavy burden of the tornado these parents enter.  I don't think that I've ever met any parent through adoption who has not ached with their child's birth parent or parents when relinquishment takes place.  They sympathize with the whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions because they can put themselves in that spot, so this is not directed at them.  However, in such a spot, seeing the industry so focused on parents relinquishing babies, I want to scream out at them.  I want to shout that these parents are not entering the tornado to save your job, to redirect the tornado, so to speak.  They're entering that tornado, and should be doing so willingly, to redirect that tornado from their children.

So I continue to shout over the tornadoes of self-importance and of selfishness.  Adoption is not a selfish decision for the parents of those babies, and it shouldn't be about the selfishness of the people pushing for adoption either.

July

This new month already has me thinking....

July is the month my first daughter that I got to parent was born.

I remember clearly the 4th that year... big, fat and pregnant, just waiting to pop. My mom had decided to come up and camp out until I was due on the 11th. 

We were all surprised when our girl didn't make her appearance until the 20th.

What a different scene that was from the first time I had given birth. The second time around my mom was so helpful and supportive that it made me mad because she was so UN those things the first time around.

I mean, right or wrong, her daughter was having a baby. Yet all she could see was my disgrace. My sin. Her embarrassment.

All of that has faded now. I'm glad my mom is in my life and in the lives of my children. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Just thinking....

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Birth Dads

I decided this week to write the other half of my story. Without my husband's support I would not have had the courage to write for everyone to read.  He is our birthson's biological father and sometimes it seemed like his feelings and thoughts were not really important.  We have been together since 1988 and been married since 2007.  When my husband first came home and told me our birthson was looking for us, I was hysterical.  As time went by and things got a little emotional, I just couldn't grasp WHY my husband was handling this a whole lot better than I was.  He went to work everyday and never complained.  To me it seemed it just didn't really bother him what was happening in our lives.  In reality he was an emotional wreck inside just like me, but he just didn't express it to me or anyone else.

He actually talked to and visited with our birthson before I did and he didn't tell me until the day before he was coming to meet me.  My husband was so thrilled and happy to talk to and meet our son.  After 20 years of not knowing where he was or either of us speaking of what had happened, we finally had to face reality.  It was exciting but also very scary for me.  I guess what I am getting at here is that birth fathers need to be acknowledged.  They need to know that their feelings and emotions are important and that someone will understand and know what your feeling.

Our adoption was closed and unfortunately the way it happened, he was not involved in the process.  I don't mean he didn't want to be, my family just excluded him from whatever was going on.  I think that is unforgivable and wrong.  He was treated as if he wasn't even important, although he tried to voice his opinions.  NO ONE listened to him, they just didn't care.

I wrote this today because of the journey my husband and I share together for the rest of our lives.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, without him I probably would of lost my mind.  He is strong, kind, and has been my rock through this whole process.  He gets me through days I think I just can't make it through.  Someone like him needs to be recognized and he deserves to have his voice heard.  So when I read the blog, Dylan's Story and Birth Father Support I just knew I had this responsibility to my husband to write this.  I logged on to the Birth Fathers Recognized site and read the four posts that were there.  It was really nice to read from a birth father's side.  I always wondered what they felt before, during, and after this process.

Every birth father out there needs to be able to write and express what is going on in their lives.  I am sure over time, that site will have hundreds of birth dad's expressing and sharing just like us birthmoms do. Opening up for a lot of guys is not an option.  I mean they are men, and men keep things inside.  For me as a birthmom, blogging and sharing is healing.  It is a great comfort to know what I write is being read and understood by the one's reading them and I hope the birth fathers get the same comfort from blogging also.

I wrote this for my husband and also to thank Dylan for his courageous step of creating his site for birth father's. Birth Fathers get left out and no one really discusses what they are going through.  My husband and I talk about this and how he was never really a part of nor did anyone (my family) go to him and talk to him.  He was just ignored and treated as a outsider.  Very sad I must say, but Birth Fathers Recognized is one step that I hope will help him heal also.  Anyone out there reading this and knows of a birth dad, please, give them this link because I think it is going to help a lot of guys out there.  I want you to remember if you have a husband or boyfriend or fiance that acts like he is okay, remember this: they are suffering, grieving, and feeling guilty just like us.

I know I am not the only birthmom still with her child's the birth father.  Does your husband/fiance/boyfriend ever express his feelings to you and if he does what do you tell him?

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Quote of the Week: The Present

"Confine yourself to the present."
- Marcus Aurelius


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