Quote of the Week: Be the kind of Person..

"Be the kind of person you would like to be with. Some people come into our lives, make footprints on our hearts and we are never the same. People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
 

Welcome to Facebook

So this week I was stalking my birthdaughter's fb page (don't worry... we're friends and I'm allowed!)  and a familiar face with an unfamiliar name popped up. It was a picture of Katie and her family, and the caption said, "I just love my kids and grandson." Huh?

It took me a few minutes to figure out who else was claiming to be my birthdaughter's mom. Sure enough, it was her mom, the woman who has every right to claim her.

What was weird about the whole thing was her name. I met her several years ago, but the name on the screen didn't match. Apparently she's gotten married and started using a longer version of her name. It just hit me as strange.

Stranger still is our relationship - or lack thereof - over the years. When Katie and I met for the first time, we picked a neutral location and each brought a support person. I took my husband and new baby, she brought her mom.

Our weekend together was delightful. Her mom seemed to include me right away. I felt like I belonged with them even though they were both strangers to me. We laughed at the same things and understood why we were laughing.

My family and I visited Katie's hometown not long after that. That too was a fun visit where her mom seemed unruffled by the fact that we were there.

But that was it. Since that time I have not gotten a letter, an email, or a smoke signal from her. My letters go unanswered. My calls go un-returned. It has been sad to me. I was hoping she didn't not see me as a threat, but I think it's way more complicated than that.

Anyway, back to the present. Another story from the social networking files. I'm not always sure technology is good. What part does technology play in your situation?

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My (Shortened) Story

I've increasingly wanted to be more active as a birthmom for the past couple of years. When I saw BirthMom Buds was looking for bloggers, I was anxious about committing but excited about the opportunity. Since I'm new here and looking forward to providing my thoughts each week, I'd like to just introduce myself and my condensed story today.

I found out I was pregnant shortly before my 17th birthday. My boyfriend and I were both obviously shocked but actually excited to raise our child. Unfortunately, after we moved in together, our relationship turned tumultuous, depressing, abusive and impossible to salvage. We were both just very immature, selfish and divided on what we wanted out of life and out of each other.

After much thought, much prayer, and much listening to the advice of a few friends one night, I finally concluded that adoption - an option neither of us previously couldn't stomach considering - was the answer. I was seven months pregnant.

R was born on October 4, 2006 at 3:28 in the morning - on the adoptive parents' anniversary. They immediately packed up and drove through several states when they heard of his birth and before I ever officially signed the papers.

I spent three days in the hospital with him, and was able to meet not only his parents, but a set of his grandparents who just so happened to be driving through our state at the right time.

There are three sobering moments that I remember in the hospital: when the lawyers came with the papers, they referred to Baby M-- (last name). For some reason I can't explain, this evoked intense emotions and I insisted that they write the name my family had picked - Jayden Andrew (knowing his name would be R instead). I remember realizing I didn't have to sign. It comforted me knowing I had a choice. And though I lingered for a moment, I did choose to sign.

The second moment that I will never forget was on the day we left. I was in the hospital bed with R and I handed him to his mom. While she was holding him, he cried, and I remember a gut-wrenching feeling and an impulse to reach out, though I didn't. We took pictures, cried.

And the final memory was leaving the hospital with my mom. Riding away like so many other ordinary times I had been in the car with my mom. Back to life. No baby. No pregnancy. Nothing to show for anything.

If I were to write about the journey that followed, this would turn into a book. My hope is to share insights from my experience as a birthmother through my future writing here. Oftentimes, people are curious about the process before the placement, but don't realize there is a far longer and emotional, difficult, changing process that continues after. I believe it's important to shed light on this process.

I just want to conclude by saying we started with a semi-open adoption, receiving updates monthly for the first six months, then yearly until five years. However, R will turn seven in October and his mom recently added me on Facebook, initiating a transition into the "open" adoption territory. I'm sure I'll have much to share about this change of events!

I'm currently married, parenting an 18 month old son and expecting a baby girl in July. As the years have gone by and I've become more stable in my emotions regarding adoption, I've become involved with the other side of adoption, speaking to and making friends with many adoptive parents. It is my hope that we will someday be able to adopt, but for now I simply hold a special place in my heart for families who seek out those children in need. Hopefully because of this, I can write somewhat unbiased about some adoption issues and topics.

Looking forward to writing again!

Who Am I?

My name is Bethany and I am honored to be one of the new bloggers for BirthMom Buds. But, WHO AM I?

I am a mother. I am a mother to my pre-teen daughter, “LadyBug”. I am also a mother to someone else’s son. I was “Frogger’s” mom first. I was his mom for 2 years, 6 months, and 10 days. THEN he became someone else’s son.

On some days, it feels like that spring day was just yesterday. Other days, it seems as though it was so long ago it never happened. Most days it feels just like it was, just over 15 years ago.

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I felt as though I was so much older than I was. I had spent a long time living with a much older man and raising his children. He was physically abusive, but it was my mission to be there for his daughters. I was stable for them and I loved them. Then I was pregnant. That is when it hit me that ultimately I had no control over what happened with his children. But, I was ultimately in charge of what happened to the child that was growing inside of me.

I left one night to go to the “store”. In reality, I went to the airport to escape 1,000 miles away. My father was amazing. At the time I felt he was overbearing, controlling and so incredibly disappointed. While all of those things may be true, I now know it was because he loved me. He wanted to protect me.

Throughout the years, and especially in the beginning of the adoption, a lot of people asked me “How?”. How could I parent for 2 ½ years and then just “give” him away? I did not “give” my son away. I made a plan for his future. I made a choice for him that has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was not about me. It was not about what I wanted or what I needed.  I made a choice to give my son a life less likely to be defined by financial struggle. I made a choice to give him two parents instead of one. I made a choice to give him love by allowing someone to raise him and parent him that could give more than just the infinite amount of love that I could give him.

I do not regret my decision in the least, although, at times it can be overwhelming how much I wish it was different back then.  I am excited to be able to share my story and to hear stories from all of you. I am sure I will cover the period of time that I was simply, mom, or “mummy” as Frogger called me, but also the roller-coaster I call life since placement.

So, WHO ARE YOU?

Quote of the Week: Life is like a Bicycle

"Life is like a bicycle; in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving." 

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Taking a Chance

I'm considering doing something scary. Something I've never done before. I haven't been thinking about it for long. It just kind of came to me last night.

I haven't acted on it yet, but I'm thinking about how to broach the subject. It's all in the wording, you know. What to say. What not to say. How to say and not say what I really mean.

I want to invite my daughter and her son to visit. But I don't want to scare them away. I don't want to push too hard. And I definitely don't want to freak anyone out.

But it would be fun to have them here for a couple of days and hang out by the pool. Our kids could play together and we could visit. Catch up. Get to know each other better. Or again.

But I don't want her to feel pressured to say yes if she doesn't want to. If she's not ready.

At this point I have nothing to lose. I know about her life but I'm not part of it. I am her friend on facebook but not in real life. I've seen pictures of her family but have never met most of them.

So really, what's to lose?

I'll keep you posted.

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Quote of the Week: Lighthouses

"Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining." 

The Baby

Hello friends! I hope you are seeing signs of spring wherever you are. It's only been a week since our last snowstorm here in Kansas, so I'm hopeful but realistic.

This birthmother journey is so interesting. I am learning so much even 26 years down the road. Who would have thought this girl had it in her to change?

I met a friend in Target yesterday and as we were catching up, I asked about The Baby.......
The Baby they had been promised.
The Baby they had been allowed to take home from the hospital.
The Baby whose mother changed her mind after a week and is now parenting her.
That baby.

The mother is unable to provide food or shelter or clothing for that baby.
The mother is unable or unwilling to work to make money to support them, so they lean on everyone else to do it for them.

So for now, their church, their community organizations and her father are all pulling together, working and supplying the needs for that baby and her mother.

But my friend said the baby looks happy and until such time as the support system fails, they will be ok.

I really don't know what I think about that. I used to have such strong opinions, but now the whole situation makes me sad. Sad for the baby. Sad for the mother. And sad for my friends who are wanting to provide a home for a child who needs one.

How about you?

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Second Chance Mother

Hi friends! If you're like me, you love a good memoir especially when it's one you can relate to. I'm not sure when I downloaded this, but I came across it the other day on my kindle and have fought hard to put it down.

The author is so relatable and real about her forced adoption, the pain and turmoil of her years apart from her son and then her reunion. She writes so that the reader feels that they are experiencing this part of her life alongside her. Her train-of-thought style has certainly captured my attention.

Have you ever thought about writing your story? I have a draft in my drawer. Maybe someday I'll do something with it. But I think if for no other reason, it's important for us to have our stories written down for the children we place, the children we parent and all the other family members involved.

Even those of you in open adoptions, I'm sure there are things you don't want to tell your birthchild or their adoptive family. But someday you may want them to know things. And who knows when that day will come? or if you will be around to share them?

As you can tell, this book has me thinking about my own experience but also my legacy to my family. Funny how a book can do that. Happy reading!

The Other Shoe

This week I feel compelled to write 'the rest of the story' as Paul Harvey used to say. While last week's birthday was heart-wrenching for me, it was also a day of celebration. Let me explain.

Remember if you will that my unplanned pregnancy took place in an era where that sort of thing was not celebrated nor hardly discussed. I was sent away to a maternity home to be pregnant, give birth, place the child then return home as if nothing had happened.

The God of my childhood seemed to be silent. And although I attended church every time the doors opened be it for youth group or choir or services, I was pregnant. Not in my wildest dreams had that ever been my reality.

Unknown to me at the time, the God of my childhood was indeed present and at work. I just couldn't see it until one night, close to the birth of my child, I felt that same God calling me to him. I was sitting in a church service, for we had many on the campus where the maternity home was located, and I felt a presence or heard a voice or some combination of those things. I knew I was not alone. Not for the sea of people around me, but for the peace I felt on the inside. Finally. There was peace.

And that was the cause for the celebration side of things last week. That same God who reached down and pulled me out of the pit is the same God who, 26 years later, is still by my side. He's the same one who carries me through weeks like last week and fights for me when I have nothing left.

He's still calling me, and still teaching me things about himself. Despite the sadness of last week, that fact gives me the strength to smile and have peace and continue putting one foot in front of the other.

If you want to know more, feel free to email me.

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Quote of the Week: Small Kindness

"Do not forget small kindnesses and do not remember small faults." 

- Chinese Proverb

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Another Birthday

So it's birthday week.... again. They seem to come faster and faster as the years go by, don't they? This year has been a doozy for me in a number of ways. I'm not sure I even understand why yet. But my birthdaughter, Katie, messaged me and thanked me for thinking of her and sending her a card.

Thinking of her.

That really did it. I asked her if she knew that no matter what was going on in my life, no matter where I was, I started crying like a baby the night before her birthday. Then I assured her that she has never - no, never - been forgotten by me. And then I wished her a happy day celebrating with her friends and family.

My husband can't understand either. He looks at me as I'm crying and replaying the above scene and asks, "But why is this year any harder than any other year?"

Why indeed.

Grief is its own entity. And until you've experienced it firsthand, it doesn't make sense. It lives and it breathes and it comes and goes as it pleases. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason. It makes no sense why the 26th birthday was harder on me than the 20th, or the 12th or the 3rd.

My thinking that I should have this thing licked by now gets me absolutely nowhere. So I just roll with it. I cry (this year in Wal-Mart, my car and at the dinner table) and allow myself the room to breathe.

My poor kids didn't know what to do with themselves. I could tell they were trying to "make mama happy" all day because I was freaking them out.

Now I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I'm almost through it. Who knows? Maybe next year I'll get a respite and Grief won't affect me at all.

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Quote of the Week: By Being Yourself

"By being yourself you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before."

- Edwin Elliot

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Spotlight Blogger: Meet Renee

It has been a while since we've done one of these! If you follow any birthmom bloggers that haven't been featured in a spotlight post, please let us know. We'd love to get the word out there about their blog!

Today's featured blogger is Renee of Letters to Little Man. Let's find out a little more about Renee...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

Hello! My name is Renee, although my beautiful little boy, Liam, calls me Nay-Nay. I am 21 and a senior in college at UNC-Asheville. My son will be three this summer and he is my inspiration (along with his wonderful adoptive family)!

When I discovered I was pregnant, I was 18, a part-time server and a full-time student. I chose adoption because I knew that, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t provide for my son in the way I thought he deserved. When it came to adoption, I knew I wanted an open relationship from the start – I wanted him to know me, I wanted to watch him grow up, I still wanted to be his family. Luckily for me, his adoptive parents wanted the same things, and we see each other about once a month or so, plus we text, Facebook and e-mail constantly. It’s a wonderful relationship and I couldn’t be happier with the way things have turned out. I got very lucky!

When and why did you begin blogging?

I began my blog about a year ago. It was an idea I’d been playing with since Liam was adopted – there are just so many things you want to tell your child. You want to tell them why you chose to place them for adoption. You want to tell them about yourself. You want to tell them that you love them so, so much. But as a birth mother, you don’t get to be around to say those things every day and sometimes, it’s really tough. I started my blog as a way to connect with my son – hopefully it will be a great thing for Liam to have and read someday but for now, it’s my way of communicating with him during the times I can’t actually be with him.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

The title of my blog is Letters to Little Man, and it’s pretty self-descriptive: I use my blogs to write letters to Liam! Each blog is organized in a letter format, so it’s literally like I’m writing a letter from me to him. The “little man” portion is because that’s what my friends and family called him when I was pregnant. They would always pat my tummy and ask me how the “little man” was doing. Usually he was dancing…on my bladder.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

I’m actually about to write a letter/blog post about that! The responses to my blog have been overwhelmingly positive. There is a huge adoption community out there and I feel very lucky to be a part of it. People have been so nice and complimentary to me, about my writing and about my decision. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it – compliments always make me blush! Mainly, it’s just nice to get support, even from total strangers. It means that you’re reaching out and touching other lives by spreading your own story. It means that somewhere out there is someone who knows exactly how you feel, and that’s always nice to know.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

Oh my, there’s so many! There is a lot of variety in the things I post – sometimes I post pictures of Liam or his family or our visits (okay, I post a lot of pictures) and sometimes I post videos. Sometimes I post funny things and sometimes I post about things that were really difficult for me. But I would have to say that my top 5 are…

-           The Birds, The Bees and The Business of Being a Birth Mom

-          Pain With a Purpose

-          There’s a Toddler In My Econ Class

-          The Best Five Percent

-          The Worst Ten Days and the Best Nineteen Months  

      

      These are my favorite because they really delve into what it’s like being a birth mom – the highlights and the sad parts. They’ve all got a touch of humor (I love to laugh and the sarcasm is hereditary) but they’re all very meaningful, by themselves and to me. As birth mothers, we all have such intense, extraordinary, unique stories and each one matters.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

I’m going to quote Nike and say, “Just Do It.” I had no idea what I was doing when I started my blog – all I knew was that I wanted to connect with my son and I wanted to spread the word about open adoption and how wonderful it can be. I didn’t really “find my voice” until a few months in and there are days where I still feel like I’m learning about the blogging process (like, every day). But honestly, you just learn as you go so the only thing to do is start and see where it leads you. Write from the heart and you can’t go wrong!

Words

Recently I was invited to speak at a women's retreat a few hours away from my home. It was such an awesome time to get away and be with my mom and not with my children. Not that I don't love them. If you're a parent, you get what I'm saying.

All the time preparing for this retreat I kept asking God to give me the right words. Words that would build up and not tear down. Words that would point them to God and not to the world. Words of wisdom that would impart to them wisdom and courage.

Since that time, I have heard this new song by Hawk Nelson on the radio. While I'm not a songwriter, I think these were the words I was praying as I prepped for the retreat. And while the retreat is over, I hope some of it sticks with me. I hope I am changed by preparing and teaching other women. And I hope my own words to my children build up and encourage and love and not tear down and belittle and despise.

How are your words today?