I have a great relationship with Noah's A-mom. However, that doesn't mean I am always comfortable and don't say "what if" every now and then. Noah is with her, not me. She has the control.
She is God's gift to both myself and Noah but I re-read texts I send her and spend hours searching for the "perfect Christmas gift/Mothers Day gift" for her. I have thought about why I do this and I believe it is because sometimes I am looking for confirmation that she does approve of my existence in Noah's life. Not only that, but I want to have a great, healthy relationship with her.
Have you ever felt you had to get confirmation that you ARE good enough? I think it's so important for us all to remember that we are. We did what we thought was best for our babies at that time, and that decision gained me not only a son, but a second family.
I wrote two letters when Noah was born, one to him and one to myself. I knew I was going to be struggling and wanted to have a letter to read to reaffirm why I made the decision I did. Lets face it, hormones after birth...yeah. This letter contained every reason I made the decision I did and it was one of the best decisions I have made. However, this "walking on eggshells" habit is something I need to break. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I did not make the decision to place him because I didn't think I would be a good mom, I made it because he wouldn't have an active father. These little things are worth remembering.
Lots of Love,
Erin
So a funny thing, I feel the same way, but I'm the A-mom. I re-read every text, hoping I'm not putting pressure on her one way or the other, struggle to find the "perfect" gift, because how in the world do I ever find a gift that measures up? And for the first year I always wondered if she thought I was a good enough mom... I value her so much and it's such a strange relationship to be in...but it works and is always evolving. I think though that I've been so open with her that I hope she doesn't have the same fears or insecurities that you have. She says she doesn't. So I just have to take her at her word and hope she takes me at mine.
ReplyDeleteThat's so amazing you have an open relationship with her!! For me, even though my sons mom and I do text every month and visit twice a year, there is still a little voice that makes me guess. She is my hero and I think I just want to show her my appreciation the best I can. I have a legalized open adoption so I know I will always have the updates, but I think it's the mother in me that just worries.
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