Birthfather's Family

When Noah and I first locked eyes
(To this day I have never felt love like that)

I found out a couple months ago that Noah's birthfather was going to have another child with his girlfriend.  My thoughts? Shock, anger, curiosity, and most of all...I feel helpless.  I do not even know if his girlfriend knows about Noah.  Will their child grow up not knowing that she has a half sibling just 1 state away?

These unanswered questions are so tough.  I cope with them by not allowing myself to get to involved mentally.  I did tell the A-parents, only because I wanted Noah to know if he ever asked them.  I still don't know if I should send them a picture when she (its a girl) is born.  The birthfather has no relationship with the A -parents so I feel like my role is the messenger...which is not okay.

Adoption is a complicated, beautiful, sad, joyous thing.  There are two sides.  Each side includes all of these emotions.  I hope Noah grows up and eventually has a relationship with his half siblings (both on mine and the birthfather's side).  I have to accept that I can only do so much, which is a very hard thing to accept because I love my son more than I thought I could love anyone or anything.

Ending with a fun fact...I found out that our sweet baby's fingerprints were created by them tapping (or hitting) our wombs while we were pregnant.  How cool is that?!

Making Different Normal

It's a Saturday morning. I stand quietly at the window holding my daughter while we watch her sister play in the freshly fallen snow. My husband is by the door, piling on winter gear as he prepares to snow blow the driveway for the fourth time this week. To a passerby we look like we are living the American Dream. They don't know that we're different, and honestly, even I sometimes forget.

Most people hold all of their children, and kiss them all goodnight. The majority of Moms see their kids off to their first day of school, & most people don't cry in the toy aisle at Christmas time because they don't even know what their child likes (I'm guilty of this, I'll admit it). I suppose, you could say that makes us different.

     Most children have to worry about their siblings taking their toys from their room and borrowing their clothes. “Normal” sisters get to share secrets in the darkness, long after their parents have gone to bed. Most 7 year old's don't have to wonder who they should add to their family tree for their school project. I guess some people would say that makes my children different.

When looking at life as a birthmom, it can be really easy to see ways that we are different. In the past, I have often struggled with the differences, wondering if I sacrificed my normalcy the same time I placed my child. In a way, I guess you could say I did.

     If you looked at everyone closely though, I mean really looked, wouldn't we all be different? Doesn't everyone have something in their lives that makes them stand out from the crowd? Whether that has to do with their lifestyle choices, their careers, past mistakes, or their current relationships, I think deep inside, there's no such thing as “normal”.

     So, this year, instead of focusing on the things that make us different, I'm going to focus on the things that make us just as “normal” as every other family. We all have people that we love, jobs that we go to, pets to take care of, and driveways to snow blow. We all have walked paths that have changed us completely, and we all have had struggles, no matter what the kind. What are some other ways that we are all the same, and what are some other things that you think make us unique?  

Photo Credit

Quote of the Week:The One Reason it Will

"Forget all the reasons it won't work. 

And believe the one reason it will." 

New Year, New What?

As the new year begins, we once again look at our lives and our new year and try to make it better than the year that came before.  Often that means looking at our lives and deciding what needs to be changed.  For me, that's going to include attempting to come to terms with certain parts of myself.

If you're wondering why this launch into self-discovery, it's because I've found out that my son has inherited some of my qualities and conditions I'd rather he hadn't.  Thus far, he has shown signs of anxiety and problems with sensory overload.  My father had these problems as did I.  My son's adoptive parents are getting him an occupational therapist and getting him the help and care that my father and I never got.  For that, I am glad.

I wasn't sure why the school suggested they get him a therapist at first.  After all, my father and I had gotten along just fine without one.  But looking back I realize that both I and my father could have benefitted from help like that.  This past year has proven to me unequivocally that I am not done learning how to handle my problems.  And I think that finally addressing them now will help me help my son's adoptive parents and my son as well.

I've already formed a plan and will be putting that into action soon.  I won't lie and say I'm looking forward to this.  Examining one's self is often a painful and frightening expedition.  But I have been down this road before.  And as this will help my son, I'm determined to go through with this.

I hope you are all having a good day and stay safe!

Photo Credit

2016 BirthMom Buds Retreat

For additional information about the 2016 BirthMom Buds Retreat please visit this webpage.

Birthmom Story-Amber

Hi! My name is Amber, and I am so excited to be a new blogger for the BirthMom Buds Blog! I am a stay at home mom, an awesome wife, a mediocre cook, and an enthusiastic student! My husband and I are living the American Dream in the suburbs with our two kids and our favorite senior citizen, our dog Sadie. I feel passionately about adoption, and am ready to bring you some awesome reading material.  But first, let's start with my adoption story! 

In 2010, I was 20 and pregnant with my second child. I had recently ended a relationship with my kids’ Dad, which had been plagued by abuse. While trying to heal from that, I was working part time in a restaurant, going to college, and battling to not only pay my bills, but also raise my two year old with no help from her father. I first visited an adoption agency when I was 14 weeks into my pregnancy. 

In December of 2010, I began looking at profiles of couples waiting to adopt. In total, I believe I may have saw nine of them. From there, I was able to narrow my daughter’s parents down to two couples. I brought these books home and examined every inch of their profiles. Choosing someone that you trust enough to raise your child, based on photo’s in a book is NOT an easy task! Finally though, I did it. We met in January of 2011 and I hit it off with my daughters family immediately. I felt like I had known them for years even though it has only been minutes.

On March 23rd, I had my beautiful daughter. Her adoptive Mom was in the delivery room, cut the umbilical cord, and was a great support. I left the hospital 24 hours after giving birth which was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done. I remember getting home from the hospital and feeling like the biggest failure. I felt like I had abandoned my daughter, and all I could picture was my infant laying in the nursery crying, with no one to take care of her (even though I knew that wasn’t the case). Needless to say, I didn’t sleep that first night. Or the second night.

As the nights passed though, things got easier. I continued my counseling, and I focused on being the best Mom I could be for my daughter. I saw my birth daughter once a week for a while, then once every two weeks, and now we get together as much as possible My birth daughter is growing up in a wonderful home, with wonderful people, and a wonderful extended family…and I am at peace with that.

Photo Creidt

Walking on Eggshells

I have a great relationship with Noah's A-mom. However, that doesn't mean I am always comfortable and don't say "what if" every now and then.  Noah is with her, not me.  She has the control.

She is God's gift to both myself and Noah but I re-read texts I send her and spend hours searching for the "perfect Christmas gift/Mothers Day gift" for her.  I have thought about why I do this and I believe it is because sometimes I am looking for confirmation that she does approve of my existence in Noah's life.  Not only that, but I want to have a great, healthy relationship with her.  

                                                                                 

Have you ever felt you had to get confirmation that you ARE good enough?  I think it's so important for us all to remember that we are.  We did what we thought was best for our babies at that time, and that decision gained me not only a son, but a second family.

I wrote two letters when Noah was born, one to him and one to myself.  I knew I was going to be struggling and wanted to have a letter to read to reaffirm why I made the decision I did. Lets face it, hormones after birth...yeah.  This letter contained every reason I made the decision I did and it was one of the best decisions I have made.  However, this "walking on eggshells" habit is something I need to break.  I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I did not make the decision to place him because I didn't think I would be a good mom, I made it because he wouldn't have an active father.  These little things are worth remembering.

Lots of Love,

Erin