Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Oklahoma Tragedy Hits Home

The tragedy in Moore, OK hits home for me as a birthmother in a closed adoption. How many of those children lost are adoptees? How many birth-parents will never have the opportunity to know their "lost" children?

On Easter Sunday in 2009 my son's Birth Father passed away. My first thought was relief. He could no longer threaten me. I was know longer scared that he may actually follow through with the promises he had made. However, seconds later, I was devastated.  I was devastated that my son, that Frogger would never have the opportunity to meet his father if he chose to. I was devastated that he would never have the ability to hear his fathers voice. I was devastated that Frogger would never have the chance to make his own determination of who his birth father is. Everything he will ever know is what others felt of him and remembered of him.

These are the types of things that make me feel so strongly that open adoptions should be the norm. I understand there may be certain situations where open is not an option. But, we are mothers. We love our children. We worry about them. Most of us have the utmost respect for the parents that are raising our child. But, just because we chose adoption, or perhaps were even forced into adoption due to tragic circumstance, is it really fair that we don't get to know that they are safe? Is it really fair that they don't get to know where they come from?

In spite of a closed adoption, I know more about my son and his life than most in my situation do. I am so grateful for a tiny slip up on the adoptive parents part by including a picture with their last name in one of the very first communications I received when our adoption was semi-open.

I know Frogger is alive. I know Frogger is safe. I know Frogger is loved. I also know that he is a Jr. Firefighter. This makes me proud. But, it also scares me. What would I do if I never get to know if he wanted to meet me or not. How would I feel knowing that opportunity was lost forever.

My heart goes out to all of the families that lost loved ones, their homes, their feeling of safe. But, most of all my heart goes out to the mother's that will never know their children. Not because of choice, but because of tragedy.

We choose adoption so that our children can thrive and grow. A tragic tornado is just a ruthless reminder that we have no control over the life our children will have.


  1. Wow Bethany. I am JUST NOW going through this EXACT same thing. My daughters father passed on the 2nd of this month, and like you, I know her information due to a slip up (in my case on the hospitals part). Thank you for putting this into words for me.

  2. sometimes adoptions are "closed" because the state is involved. My sons birth mother is severely mentally ill and developmentally delayed. Despite being told to change his social security number, name ect..I maintained a relationship with his birth mom (she was 16 at the time and in a foster home) Adopted parents, i think, have a fear of the birthmom "returning" and reclaiming the baby you longed for, in my case, the case workers feared what the birth mom would do. However, through being supportive and genuinely concerned for the mother of my baby, she was able to surrender him to us for adoption and feel she had some say in it.My son is now 17 and has seen her several times. She lives in a group home and had i never told him about her and he found out on his own, it would have been shocking to him. As it is, he is a compassionate young man who knows his truth. (his biological father was never identified, as he was most likely the result of a rape) people's percetions of adopted kids being somehow "different" from all the other kids in the room, stems from out dated misunderstanding about adoptions, forums like this are important to show the complex nature of it, and that the foundation of adoption is LOVE..on all sides. thank you for your story...t

    1. Tee, I get what you are saying but 95 % of the women BMB serves do not have state adoptions so they are not closing because the state is involved and telling the adoptive parents to close the adoption.