Happy New Years!

Everyone here at Birthmom Buds wants to wish you all a wonderful 2014 filled with growth, healing, love and success!  What are some of your resolutions this year?  What do you hope for your year to be?  

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Music Monday: Home by Dierks Bently

"It's been a long hard ride,
Got a ways to go
But this is still the place
That we all call home.
It's been a long hard ride,
And I won't lose hope
This is still the place
That we all call home."

Quote of the Week: Enlightenment

 

"Enlightenment is not imagining figures of light but making the darkness conscious."

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Relationships After Placement

I don't know about you, but after I gave birth to Micah, all I wanted was someone to hold me in the middle of the night when I was shaking from crying so hard. Knowing that my son was never going to be laying next to me in my bed just made it that much harder feeling like I was all alone. I've been on a few dates since Micah, but nothing clicked like baby daddy and I did. Granted, we weren't dating, but it was the closest thing to it.

Bachelor number one: We'll just call him Mark. Mark and I went on a few dates over the summer of 2012. A mutual friend had set us up, so he knew I was headed off to college in the fall. He was a sweet guy, but dumb as a brick. I know what you're thinking, "Why is she being so harsh on the guy? He was probably just nervous!" I bet he was, but it didn't help his case when he walked to my door wearing a muscle shirt, offering me free tickets to the "gun show". And then he proceeded to tell me he was being scouted to play for the Baltimore ravens football team... while tripping over the sidewalk. Ladies, I wish I was making this up. Needless to say, things didn't work out. 

Bachelor number two: Let's call him Jason. Jason and I started hanging out at college in the fall of 2012. We had a ton of stuff in common, so I was really excited to go out with him! Our first date was pretty awkward, but aren't they all? We went to a pizza place and talked for hours. It was perfection. I was so happy to finally have someone I could talk to about Micah. He completely understood me. Now, I'm the kind of person that always has her guard up and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. But with Jason I didn't have to worry about anything. It felt like we were soulmates. We lived happily ever after, the end (I wish). It was right before winter break. I'd finished my final early, so I went over to his dorm room to surprise him and give him his Christmas present. We'd been dating for about 5 months, so I wanted to get him something special. I spent a months worth of paychecks to buy him a pair of Oakley sunglasses and tickets to an Eagles game. I walked in on him and another girl. To top it off, the girl was my roommate. 

I literally have THE worst luck with guys, and these are just two examples of the dates I've gone on and the douchebags I've met. How's your luck been since placement? Hopefully better than mine! Leave me a comment below and let me know!

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Happy Holidays!

From all the staff here at BirthMom Buds, we want to wish you and yours a happy, safe Christmas season!  We are all aware of how tough this time can be, so please remember to be kind to yourselves and realize it's okay to reach out for support!

If you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach us at 1-855-4mybbud.

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Music Monday: Unconditionally by Katy Perry

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Quote of the Week: Conquering Ourselves

"It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves." 

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Holiday Disappointments

Every year around the holidays, it's hard for my family and I. There's always that space on the mantle where Micah's stocking should be, that last minute holiday party that Micah should be attending, or the Christmas morning joy that we should be experiencing together. This year is especially tough. After going through months and months of medical tests and doctors visits and scary diagnosis', part of me just wants him here even more. I hate the fact that I can only see him during Christmas at an agency party. I hate the fact that I can't watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. I hate the fact that he's not here. I just miss him so much.

Do any of you feel this way around the holidays?

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NOT the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

While many of us are singing carols, dancing around our houses and putting up trees and decorations, it's safe to say that many others of us are struggling with this time of year.

Last Sunday my pastor preached a sermon about how God brought peace into the world in the midst of chaos. If you remember the story in Matthew 2, you'll remember that in the midst wonder and celebration of the birth of Jesus, one man in particular was not celebrating. His name was Herod. And not only was he not happy, but the news that the Christ had been born filled him with murderous rage.

Instead of traveling to see the man that would be king, he ordered every male child under the age of 2 murdered. Killed. Destroyed. He was that afraid that the baby Jesus would grow up and displace him as ruler. Talk about insecure!

Think for a moment about all those moms who lost babies in that rampage. Can you imagine the weeping and wailing that ensued? What a terrible time for the Israelites!

And yet, God had a plan. In the midst of that suffering, Jesus' parents were able to escape to Egypt and keep him safe. And he was able to grow up, die on a cross and come back to life in order to save us from our wrongs.

There is Peace in the chaos. There is Purpose in the hurting. Hang in there. Talk to someone. Reach out to those who have been there and are there and understand. You are not alone in this season or in any season.

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Music Monday: Highway 20 Ride by Zac Brown Band

 

 

"So I'll drive
And I think about my life
And wonder why, That I slowly die inside
Every time I turn that truck around,

right at the Georgia line

and I count the days and the miles

back home to you on that Highway 20 ride"

Quote of the Week: Cherish

"Cherish your visions. Cherish your ideals. Cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly environment; of these, if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built."

 

 

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Thinking of Myra

About this week every year, I start thinking about my maternity home roommate. We lost touch a couple of years after placement and despite my best efforts, I have failed to reconnect with her. She was my sanity during such a dark period of my life. She was older than me and such a good friend. I still think of her often and am sad that we have missed so many years together.

Anyway, as the birthday of her birthson comes and goes, I am once again transported to that time and that room in the hospital where I celebrated with her the birth of her son. Before we let our children go to the foster families, we held a dedication service with them. I attended hers, she attended mine.

So I find myself at the same place as I am at this time every year. I still hope to reconnect with her one day.

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Music Monday: I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston

 

"I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you'll have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
And I will always love you."

Quote of the Week: It is Better to Light a Candle..

 

"It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness."

 

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Comfort & Joy

I just can't help myself. The month of December starts, and suddenly I have streaming Christmas carols in my head all the time! So I guess that's what I'll be writing about this month.

God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen was written in the 16th century. It uses funny words and phrases we don't use anymore. Here's the first verse just in case you've forgotten:

God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay;

Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day;

To save us all from Satan's power when we had gone astray;

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;

O tidings of comfort and joy.

And even though I tried my best to find the history of this carol, all I found was that the first line actually means "God keep you, pleasant gentlemen." What I was really going after was the last lines, the tidings of comfort and joy. What did the author mean by that? What did that mean in his day? And what does it mean for us?

My life is not always comfortable. I struggle with my attitude, my emotions and at times, my faith. While I am thankful for my material comforts, a warm home isn't enough to touch my soul down deep when I am troubled. Only God can give me peace and comfort and joy.

This time of year, this carol really speaks to me. I often sing my children to sleep with it during the holiday season. It reminds me that comfort and joy are possible even if I'm not feeling them currently. I pray comfort and joy for you this season.

Happy Christmastime, friends.

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Music Monday: Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw

 

 

 

"Remember me when you're out walkin'
When snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor "

Quote of the Week: It's my job to like me!

 

 

"It's not your job to like me – it's mine."

 

 

 

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Happy Thanksgiving!

All of us here at Birthmom Buds want to wish you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving! 
What will you be giving thanks for this year?

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Thanksgiving Blues

As the year winds down into seemingly endless holidays, it's easy to get sucked into a vortex of downward spiraling depression. While in many ways I feel I've 'aged out' of the seasonal adoption depression, I was taken aback in church this weekend by a video shot in my birthdaughter's hometown of all places. It took a few minutes of tears and asking, "What just happened?" before I was able to get my bearings again.

One of the best ways I've found to combat seasonal depression is by thanksgiving. Not the holiday, the act. It's a proven fact that one of the mysteries of God is that if we give Him thanks regardless of our circumstances, He fills us with joy regardless of our circumstances. So here, in no particular order, are the things I'm thankful for as of this moment:

• a warm home
• a loyal, hardworking husband
• clean clothes
• an adoptive family for Katie
• lovely and loveable children
• homeschooling
• 4 seasons
• warm showers
• my own car
• a direct line to the God of the Bible

You get the idea. It's amazing what happens when we start focusing on the good stuff in our lives. When we do, there is no time to focus on the negative. Am I talking about living in a bubble? No way. I challenge you this week to start counting the things you are thankful for every time a negative thought creeps into your mind. See what happens.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Music Monday: Red Ragtop by Tim McGraw

 

 

"We took one more trip around the sun
But it was all make believe in the end
And no I can't say where she is today
I can't remember who I was back then"

Quote of the Week: Art of Living

 

 

"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering."

 

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Swimming in a Pool With Sharks

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Like a great white shark grabbed onto my leg and won't let go. It feels like I'm suffocating. It's horrendous. I've been going through so much lately, I'm barely reaching the surface. It's a constant weight on my chest that won't go away. Is it guilt? Maybe. Is it stress? Possibly. Nothing helps. I'm self medicating with mantras and daily bull but the pain won't go away.

Do any of you feel this way?

Have a great weekend, ladies. 

Three Things about Grief

If birthmothering is your first grief experience, I'm sorry. I'm sad for anyone who grieves. And although loss is a part of living, the way we grieve and experience grief is as different as our DNA. By the time my dad died 10 years ago, I had already been grieving the loss of my firstborn daughter to adoption for about 17 years. Although losing my dad was different in many ways, caring for myself as I was grieving and knowing what to expect remained the same.

First of all, you never know when or where grief will strike. Sure, you can learn your triggers and protect yourself that way. But sometimes when the stars, hormones, and memories align in just the right way, a tidal wave can hit you out of seemingly nowhere. It's important for you to recognize when that is happening and take immediate action. Delaying grief only makes it worse. As soon as you can, get alone and get it out.

Second, grief is like an onion. Yes, onions are stinky as is grief. But there's a little more to it. Onions have layers (remember Shrek?) as you slice through them. Each layer can differ from the others in thickness and odor. Now apply this to your particular situation for a moment. Yes I know it's crazy, but really.

Here's an example from my own birthmom journey. There were years that Katie's birthday came and went and I hardly noticed. Summer ran into fall ran into winter and so on. Suddenly it was spring, and her March birthday had come and gone. But then there were other years when the grief was so heavy in December that I could barely make it through the holidays much less hold on until March. It is still amazing to me that her 17th birthday was the hardest one I had experienced up until that point and I had been practicing for 16 years!

Anyway, my point is that grief is a continual journey and while today may be good, tomorrow may be a totally different story.

Finally, we can only grieve up to the developmental stage we are at. For example, I grieved Katie the best I knew how at 20 and 25 and so on and was at a what I thought was a 'good place'. But when I started having my own children, it was a whole new ballgame. Even though she was already 18, taking care of a newborn for the first time really shed light on all I had missed as her mommy.

Just yesterday the grief of losing my daddy hit me anew. It was a rough afternoon of remembering and crying and journaling. But at the end, I felt like I could breathe again. Is it okay? No. Not yet. But I continue moving forward finding comfort in my routine and taking time to remember as needed.

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4th Quarter Newsletter

The 4th Quarter newsletter is now up for your viewing pleasure! Check it out here. 

Music Monday: Lullabye in Blue by Bette Midler

 

 

"As the years go by,
Try not to think of us sadly.
Believe it if you can,
I wanna see you so badly.
On your birthday, Mama's thinking of you.
The child I never knew.
My lullaby in blue."

Quote of the Week: Fears

 

 

“Of all the liars in the world sometimes the worst are our own fears."

 

 

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Unity

In my Wednesday morning Bible study, we have spent a lot of time talking about unity: Unity in the church, unity among other believers, loving each other even when we don't like each other.. that sort of thing. It occurred to me we could apply this principle of unity to our own community of birthmoms.

We all have this common thread of experiencing the loss of one or more of our children through adoption. Not all of our stories are the same. Not all of our experiences are the same. But we all share this deep grief and sadness at losing one of our own. Instead of judging each others' motives or stories or lifestyles, we should continue loving and supporting each other wherever we are.

Soapbox over. Hope you're having a great day.

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BMB Christmas Fundraiser

Do you make any type of photo gifts like a photo book or photo calendar for people for Christmas? Does your family order photo Christmas cards? If not, maybe this is the year to start! BirthMom Buds is doing a Christmas fundraiser with Picaboo, which sells awesome photo cards and gifts. When you place an order between now and December 31, 2013 simply use the code PFBMB at checkout and you will receive 25% off your order and BMB will receive a portion of the proceeds!

Music Monday: Valley Road by Bruce Hornsby

 

"Out in the hall they were talking in a whisper
Everybody noticed she was gone awhile
Somebody said she's gone to her sister's
But everybody knew what they were talking about "

Quote of the Week: Taking Charge of Your Life

 

 

 

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer a need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life."

 

 

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Where Do I Fit In?

As you know, I placed Micah when I was 17. 17 is a big stage in your life. For mine, it was my senior year of high school so I was keeping tabs on the people I wanted to stay in touch with when I went away to college.

I was expecting to be there for 4 years, so I wasn't too concerned with who I'd hang out with if I was home. As luck would have it, I failed out my freshman year.  E-town here I come!  It was weird being home.... people I went to high school with were home for the summer, going to parties, hanging out at HersheyPark, going to the beach, just living life! I sooo wanted to enjoy and be with them, but no one wants to hang out with the mopey sad girl who "gave up" her baby. To them, Micah was pretty much dead. If they couldn't see him or hold him, they didn't care. 

Long story short, over that summer I found myself hanging out with more of my "teen mom" friends. But I didn't fit in. Ijourneyed back over to my "college" friends. But I didn't fit in. I wasn't away at college but I wasn't taking care of my child, either. 

It's still difficult for me to find groups of friends where I really do fit in. I still feel as if I'm not 100% sure where I stand..

Have any of you felt like an "outsider" to people you were, at one point, friends with, post adoption?

What has been your Hardest Decision?

Recently a friend in another group posted this question: What has been your hardest decision? While we are all birthmoms in this particular community, I noticed that she didn't reference adoption specifically but rather left the question wide open. After reading some of the other responses and formulating my own, here is how I responded:

The choice for adoption was not hard for me. I knew from the beginning that I was not able or equipped to give my daughter what she needed. I knew that she needed two parents who were emotionally and financially stable enough to care for her needs. I was neither.

Forgiving the birthfather was tough for me. It took me six long years to work through my feelings, emotions and anger towards him before finally realizing I needed to forgive him so I could move on.

Forgiving myself was even harder than that. I continued punishing myself for years after I had let go of my anger towards Chris by telling myself over and over that I was worthless, that it was too late for me. I had messed up too much and there was no hope. No one would ever want me again so I might as well do what I wanted with whom I wanted. I was as worthless as trash.

But even as hard as those things were for me, probably my biggest challenge was trusting God with all of it. The God of the Bible tells us that he can use any and everything to bring glory to himself. In Romans chapter 8, Paul tells us, ...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Having been raised in church and having literally no where else to turn, I gave God a try. The road didn't get any easier, but for the first time in my life I felt truly accepted, truly loved, despite all I had done. Regardless of  my stupid decisions and times I had made bad choices, God loved me. He wasn't ashamed of me, ashamed of my unplanned pregnancy. He wasn't afraid to walk with me, to hold my hand, as we journeyed through those dark places in my soul and He healed them.

Adoption wasn't my hardest decision, not by far. It has been trusting God to take the broken pieces of my life and put them back together in a way that is beautiful and useful.

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Music Monday: Hands to Heaven by Breathe

 

"As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday"

Quote of the Week: Friends

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is."

 

 

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Bridging the Gap

So the question on my mind today is this: How do we as birthmoms, authors, and/or speakers share our message without being pushy and without shoving our stories and emotions into another person's face?

Recently I've become part of a new group unrelated to adoption. It's always interesting to see how each person's story will unfold and be told during the course of a group. This particular group will be together for the next 30 weeks and slowly but surely we are learning more and more about each other.

A couple weeks ago, the topic of the group carried on into the weekly blog. And since it was relevant, I forwarded the blog on to a couple group members. And those group members responded positively to what I wrote about.

Here comes the weirdness.... no one mentioned the 'birthmom' part of the blog. No one asked what it meant, what it was for, if I was one, why I was blogging on that type of site, blah blah blah. So now I'm left to assume that although they have read a post of mine on a birthmom blog site, they do not necessarily know about that part of me. Or maybe they read that part of the site and don't care. Or don't know what to say. Or think I'm a total moron.

So that's what's on my mind this day. Of course, the Halloween sugar high hasn't hit yet, so that could change. Have a great, scary night!

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Music Monday: Hold on by Sarah McLachlan

 

 

"Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell"

Quote of the Week: Doing What You Love

 

 

 

“Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life."

 

 

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Memories

My family was on vacation recently. Actually, we were returning from being gone for a couple of weeks. Maybe we were just anxious to get home. Maybe we were feeling a little kamikaze that day. Hard to say which it was, but we decided that we could drive from Williamsburg, Virginia, to St. Louis, Missouri, in one day. That's 850 miles people. Anyway, I digress.

About 700 miles into this little drive, we were all starving and tired and it had started raining, so we were also cold and wet. Hubby saw a billboard for an Amish Buffet, and we all agreed it sounded perfect.

So in we walk, tired, cold and dripping wet. When I say everyone in the restaurant turned to look at us, I'm not kidding. I had the urge to crawl up on the buffet line with a spoon, but I was able to push that desire down for the good of the children.

Once the food started to kick in and I started regaining consciousness, I looked around and commented to Hubby that this place looked kind of familiar. He said, "Well, it should. This is one of the places we ate with Katie and her mom the weekend we met."

Katie and her mom. The weekend that was so long ago. I did remember. We had driven to meet Katie, my birthdaughter, and her mother one weekend. Wanting to be fair to both of us, we picked a place halfway between us, a kind of 'neutral ground', booked a hotel and started driving.

The weekend went well enough. Katie's mom seemed supportive and accepting. Katie herself seemed excited and nervous and everything you would expect from a teen meeting the woman who gave her life for the first time.

That was a long long time ago. It was strange to be somewhere we had been together. Since meeting, I haven't been back to any of the places where we actually share memories. We've been to her hometown once. And we met in this neutral city once. But she has yet to visit us at our home. And I know that day may never come.

It's just strange that the important people in my life whom I share so many memories with will often come to mind as I re-visit places we've been together. Is it strange I didn't immediately remember being there with my birthdaughter? Is that normal? What is normal in this situation? So many questions. So few answers.

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I'm having their Baby Defense Mechanism

A little over twelve years ago, I was in my mid twenties, single, scared out of my mind, and pregnant. For a myriad of different reasons that aren't the point of this post, I’d made the choice to place my baby for adoption. I had chosen a good family and things were falling into place logistically but they weren't in my heart. There is absolutely nothing natural about rubbing your own belly to calm your kicking baby knowing you’ll only spend a few short days with him (or her) before you hand him over to the woman he’ll call Mom. But, I needed a way to cope, a way to be strong enough, and follow through with what I felt was best at that time in my life.

So my defense mechanism became referring to Charlie, referring to my son, as “their baby.” “I’m having this baby for them. This is their son.” I’d tell myself that over and over. I’d use it in conversation with strangers. I’d even go as far as to say “I’m having this baby for friends” because at that point, they had become my friends so it wasn't totally a lie but it wasn't the truth either. I was in big time denial of the way I was about to feel. I was trying to detach myself from my baby. It was my way of coping and it continued until the day I gave birth four weeks early.

As I sat cross legged in a red t-shirt and watermelon boxers in the hospital bed holding a sweet four pound, six ounce little baby boy in my lap, I cried. He wasn't theirs. He was mine. I was his Mother. He was a part of me and he was absolutely beautiful.  I saw my nose in his, our complexions were similar. As I counted ten toes and ten tiny fingers, in that special moment many, many Mothers have with their babies, I realized that I’d just been telling myself he was theirs to make it easier on me. It didn't work. It was silly. I’d tried so hard to not bond with him but the bond I felt with him those moments was absolutely overwhelming and undeniable. I wish I’d fully experienced, accepted, and enjoyed that pregnancy as my own because sadly it will probably be my last full term pregnancy ever and I spent most of it pretending he wasn't mine.

I’m not the only birthmother I know who has told herself this – who used this defense mechanism to cope and make it through the difficult process of placing a child for adoption. Did you do this during your pregnancy? How do you feel about it now? 

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Music Monday: Good Enough by Sarah McLachlan

Quote of the Week: Let it Spring From Love

 

 

 

"The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love. Born out of concern for all beings."

 

 

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How does your Reality Match Up with TV's Reality?

As I sit here writing this, I have MTV's Teen Mom 3 playing in the background. I've noticed 3 key things about this trilogy:

1. The moms are never content.

2. If the girls are in a relationship, it's never a good one.

3. There are at least 30 solid minutes of arguing between all 4 of the mom's segments.

Even though these girls probably thought their decisions through, the main message they send across is that they wished they would've waited. Sometimes I wish I was going through what they're going through though. Sometimes I regret my decision.

As I've learned from TV and from personal friends, no matter what age you have children, it's never easy. But being a "teen mom" is probably the hardest time. I'm watching these girls go through all of this, basically, on their own. In most segments, the father is no where to be found. In my opinion, if I would've had Micah when I was better off financially and emotionally and with the man I loved, I could have made it work. 

What are your thoughts about this? 

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When Dreams Die

As life swirls about me, I am often fascinated by my own life circumstances as well as those of those close to me. Oftentimes I wonder how I would handle such a life event only to remember that God gives grace when it is needed, and not before. So here are a few life circumstances going on around me right now. Maybe you can relate to one.

I have a very good friend who is a birthmom. Her son is in his 20s and has recently told her outright that he doesn't want a relationship with her. This lady is never married and has never borne anymore children. She is out of graduate school, out of a job and back living at home. What now?

My husband was recently passed over for a job promotion. Now granted, his boss did not get to make the decision. Also, he was by far the youngest candidate for the position. But how does this affect his future at the company? What does he shoot for now?

One of my Community Bible Study gals is a dear woman who was looking forward to the next chapter of her life. While she and her husband had battled through many issues over the years, they stayed together, worked through them, and came out on the other side better and stronger. One morning on his way to work, he died in an accident. What is her purpose now? Where does she go from here?

So what happens when we have been living in the land of wishful thinking instead of the land of reality, as in the case of my birthmother friend? How does my husband keep going and set new goals? How do we move forward when we don't want to?

I have no easy answers, ladies. I know in my own life there have been places where I would have been content to just lay down and die. But in each instance, God gave me grace and purpose to go on. Just this week I have been encouraged by Paul in his letter to the Philippians. In chapter one he writes, " If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me... I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account."

If you are suffering today, if you are at the end of something and unsure where to turn next, ask God to show you. Ask him for the grace to get you through to the other side. I'd love to hear from you.

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Music Monday: A Song For Mia by Lizz Wright

 

 

"And what you think of me, I can't say
I'll take these bad dreams and I'll drove along the way
I'm at the shore now, the shadows at my back
I can feel the waves coming there, heavy and black"



Quote of the Week: Love!

 

 

 

"Love conquers all things; let us surrender to Love."

 

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Daily Stress = Daily Triggers

My dad was admitted to the hospital earlier this month. He has COPD from smoking a pipe his entire life, so it's nothing new to me and my Mom. When he gets these "COPD exacerbations", he can't breathe. Thankfully, my brother just happened to be flying in the day my dad was in the ER. Long story short, dad's doing well and he's home (for now, at least).

I never realized how much stress impacted my feelings about Micah. That may sound obvious, but it'd never impacted me the way it did that week. I might have been feeling pressure to entertain my brother,  making sure my mom was doing okay, or just worrying if I was going to see my dad the next morning. But I was thinking a lot about Micah, too. I feel guilty about that. I shouldn't be worrying about my son, who doesn't even live with me. I should be worrying about my daddy. Finally, I told myself, "if you let the stress get to you, you'll be no help to your family who need you the most right now." I can't let myself, constantly, get involved with my fears and anxieties. S@!* happens. Sometimes you can't control it. But you can decide to enjoy the ride. 

No matter what your situation is, or what your stress and triggers are, keep pushing forward. Everything happens for a reason. I believe my reason was to come to terms with my true strength and confidence. You can do anything you set your mind to. Something that always helps calm me down when I start feeling sad about Micah, is to think of the original reasons why I decided to make my adoption plan.

Okay, just some food for thought for the upcoming weekend! Why did you decide to make your adoption plan? What are some of your triggers? 

Always remember, you are NOT alone!