It’s been two weeks since I found myself crying my eyes out in the Awana closet at church. I guess things are better now than they were then. But on second thought, I’m not sure.
What is better? What defines whether something is better today than it was yesterday? Does the situation actually have to change in order for things to be better? In my case nothing has changed. Things are what they are; my feelings are still hurt and I’m so so sad.
The better has come from acknowledging my grief and from recognizing the why of what I’m feeling. It has come from talking to others and talking to God. While in talking to others I have been careful not to slander the people involved, with God, all bets are off. I have told him exactly how I’m feeling and exactly what I think of the whole situation.
In return, has he changed anything? No. Nothing about the situation has changed. Yet still I’m better. Yes, I’m still hurt. And I’m still sad. So sad. But I’m also peaceful. And joyful. And thankful. I wish things were different, but they’re not and I don’t have the power to change them. Instead, all I can do is trust God that he knows what he’s doing. He knows that these things are simply groundwork for the next thing he’s going to do.
For me, since I’m an innocent bystander, I get to watch. And pray. And be hopeful that what he’s doing today will continue changing lives for tomorrow. Even mine. Especially mine. It’s amazing how a situation in someone else’s life can affect change in my own.
The next time you’re have a meltdown in an unexpected location, rest assured that God is at work whether it feels like it or not.