So often lately, I’ve heard the words “Life (or God) hates me.” Or "I’m a good person and I’ve done the right things. Why do bad things keep happening to me?” I’ve said the same things myself, many times. I’ve had my own share of “downers” in life.
Being a birthmother could be considered a “downer” too. Even though I’m firm in my belief that my daughter is in the right place and that I made the right decision for the time, when I have my moments of grief for her out of the blue, I start to question it. The hurt starts overwhelming me and I feel as if God is sending me down a well instead of setting me in high places like He promised. Whether you believe in God or not, I believe that each of you, me included, is meant for great things. I believe that every pain in our lives, every stressor, is just temporary.
When I look back on my life, all the negative things that I’ve either caused or happened to me have turned into good things if I’ve let them. Sometimes I’ve had to search for the good, the silver lining, so to speak. Sometimes the good has hit me like a bolt of lightning and made all the negative feelings surrounding the event quickly disappear. I’m sure we’ve all heard it said that we need to learn from our mistakes. Even if being a birthmother cannot be considered a mistake (and NO child, planned for or not, is a “mistake”), I know when the grief threatens to overwhelm that we can think we made a mistake.
While the negatives of being a birthmother can feel overwhelming all of the time or even just sometimes, I think it’s important to remember the positives. Search for a reason or a way to turn the negative around. Perhaps the feelings of loss surrounding the placing of your child help you remember other losses that you may have buried and you’re able to finally heal from those losses. Perhaps someone that you meet as a result of being a birthmother that you wouldn’t have met otherwise ends up helping you in a way that you could have never guessed. Perhaps you’re able to connect with others and your experience as a birthmom changes other people’s lives. Maybe your experience as a birthmom will inspire you to get involved with the legislature surrounding adoptions in general in some way, and even if your own experience has been less than positive, you’ll be able to prevent the same thing from happening to others. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes you just have to look. In that looking, you may also find, as I have, that you distract yourself from your own pain and you may even heal when you’re not expecting it.