Quote of the Week: Tolerance

"Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself." - Robert Green Ingersoll

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Context

Since I home school my children, I am learning some history lessons over again. Actually, I think some of them I'm learning for the first time. Recently in Roman history, for example, I learned the historical context of Jesus' birth. Did you know he was born during a time of peace known as the Pax Romana? I didn't even though I've been in church my whole life.

Context is everything. It's always been important to me that those around me get to know me and my story, not just that I got pregnant in high school. Know what I mean?

Now it's one thing to be speaking to a group of anonymous people. Nothing you can do there. It's like opening yourself up and hoping no one mortally wounds you.

But for personal friends, I feel like I protect myself by letting them get to know me while learning about my story. That while the context of my situation doesn't offer any kind of justification, it does offer more of an understanding than simple facts can provide.

While it may sound nutty, I still have sensitivity surrounding this part of my life and maybe, just maybe, I want others to tread carefully while they are gathering facts and forming an opinion. Are you open to sharing your story or do you wait for them to get to know you better?

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Diving Back Into Therapy

A few weeks ago, I woke up one morning and realized that I needed to go back to therapy. I know revelations such as those rarely come "overnight," but for me, this one did. You see, I was not provided with any therapy prior to placing my daughter (which I now realize is a big no-no, but at the time, I was so overcome with emotions that it never crossed my mind that I should be alarmed by the fact that my adoption counselor never suggested pre-placement therapy), and while I did give it a try after placement, it was short lived. I essentially went for two reasons: (1) the agency I went through would pay for 6 months of therapy and (2) my mother essentially forced it on me. If I've learned anything, it's that forcing something on someone will generally render the results opposite to those that the person is looking for. Especially when it comes to adoption and anything relating to adoption. So, I went, but it was against my will, and therefore did no good whatsoever. I also only went for one month before I had to have my gallbladder removed with little notice. After I recovered from my surgery, I went back to work and tried to convince myself that I was strong enough, on my own, to deal with my emotions. I was too proud to want any help, and I felt that they would just end up drugging me, and I wanted to feel the pain. I knew that those few months after placement were the crucial months, and I wanted to work through my emotions on my own and allow myself to feel them. I didn't want to numb the pain, only to be smacked in the face with it a year, two years, or three years down the line.

Well, I wound up doing the opposite. I attempted therapy again around this time last year (so one year after my first attempt), again, at my mother's will. She noticed that I was basically going to work, coming home, and retreating to my room as soon as possible, and only coming out to shower. She made me feel as if I had to go, and I'm a stubborn person. I went, but I didn't let it do me any good. I listened, and I talked to my therapist, but I felt like we weren't a good match. Looking back, I wonder if we really weren't a good match, or if it was just me subconsciously making us a match.

So, fast forward to this past September. I woke up one morning and realized that I didn't want to feel the way I had been feeling. This came after another important realization: I wasn't happy. I was able to fake it pretty well (around everyone, with the exception of my daughter's birth father. He can see right through me, still.), and I had done such a good job of "faking" it, that I had started to believe it myself. I believed I was happy. I missed my daughter, and I got sad when I thought of how much she's changed and grown, and I got upset and frustrated when updates didn't come on time, but for the most part, I was "happy." But I was just going through the motions. Being able to get up in the morning doesn't mean you're happy. Being able to go out and laugh with friends doesn't mean you are happy. That's all I was doing. Work, home, shower, dinner, bed. Next morning: repeat. And I was struggling to get out of bed when I wasn't even tired. So, I took the first step (always the hardest) and set up an appointment.

I've only had three appointments so far, but they have been good. I feel like this therapist and I "clicked" very well from the beginning. She asked me if I thought I was depressed, and I said no. I told her I'm not sad, but I'm not happy...I'm just existing. She replied by telling me that she thinks that I have been depressed for so long that it's become normal for me...to the point where I don't think anything is wrong. I suppose she's right.
This time around, it has already been a much more positive experience for me, because I made the decision to do it. I knew that in order for it to work for me, I had to want it for myself. I couldn't go because I thought it was expected of me, I couldn't go because someone else thought that I should....I had to realize, within myself, that I needed it.

What has your experience with therapy been like? Have you coped on your own without it, has it helped you immensely, or anything in between?

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Quote of the Week: Help Others

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others, and if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - Dalai Lama

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Emotional Preparation

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It’s that time of year again. Though I love the holidays and will always try to concentrate on the positive, I’m dreading the emotional roller coaster as well.

You see, November 10^th is my daughter’s birthday. As much as I adore Halloween, I dread celebrating it as well because it’s pretty close to that day. Fortunately this year, Nick and I are scheduled for a visit on the 17^th, so perhaps the anticipation of seeing our daughter and her parents will lessen the anxiety and grief surrounding her actual birthday. I’ve already planned to ask for her birthday off work so I don’t have to interact with coworkers and strangers all day and act happy. I might be okay on the actual day and I might not. There’s no guarantee that it’ll be an emotional roller coaster of a day, but there’s no guarantee that it won’t be either.

After Mack’s birthday passes, there’s the whirlwind surrounding Thanksgiving and Christmas. Of course because those two holidays in particular are associated with family and I’m missing such a big piece of mine, it makes them difficult. I’m planning lots of baking and making crafts for various people, including making my BirthMom Buds Secret Sister Stocking. I’m also participating in an ornament exchange as well as making an extra ornament for a charity event, and making ornaments for our own tree. I’m hoping that the fact that I’m keeping myself busy for the holidays will mean I don’t have a lot of time to sit around and wonder what might have been. I also hope that the extra arts and crafts that I’m making will keep me distracted when I’m not participating directly in an event.

It’s interesting to me that while I don’t deny any grief I might feel during the rest of the year, when it comes to the holidays I prepare to live in denial for a few months. Based on my experiences the past two holidays I’m not certain this additional preparation is actually doing me any good. I preach all the time that there’s no way that someone who’s gone through the experience of becoming a birth parent as I have can ever go back to being the person they were before relinquishment. We can and should find a new normal but we cannot approach things the same. I don’t honestly know if this means I should expect to not enjoy the holidays or if I’ll just feel an emptiness that wasn’t there before.

Maybe that’s it. There’s a part of me that’s expecting the holidays to feel exactly the same and another part of me that knows it’s not possible. Then there’s yet another part that’s afraid to let go of the way the holidays used to be because I know that I still want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m afraid that if I let go of the way that I used to enjoy the holidays that I will never enjoy them again instead of simply finding new ways to enjoy them.

I already find ways to include my daughter in my celebrations like making her an ornament to go on my tree and also lighting candles for her as well. The joy usually associated with inclusion in those holiday traditions is the missing piece. I’m hoping that joy will come with time. If I force the joy then I will never have the true joy that inclusion should bring.

What's in a Generation?

Today's post is a reflection of what makes a generation. We look back now and can clearly see the era of the 50's was defined by rock 'n' roll. And the era of the 60's was defined by flower children and hippies.

And the era of the 80's was remembered for big hair, neon colors and Madonna.

I had a conversation this week that has just been rolling around my head. The lady I was talking with is about the same age as me. In fact, we had our first children in the same year. But she went on to mother and bear other children while I went on to finish high school.

And although we are about the same age, my young children seem to give the impression that I am younger than I am.

So what's in a generation? A general knowledge and understanding of 'how things were'. For example, I didn't have a cell phone growing up. And the first time I had a computer class was in high school.

What I don't have is an understanding of my birthdaughter's generation. Since I went back to my own childhood, I didn't pay attention to hers like a parent would. I don't know if she had computer class in school and how early. I don't know when she got her first cell phone or any of the other 'earmarks' of her generation.

No wonder the old-timers talk about a generation gap. I can see that now. Not only did we not share life, but I don't have an understanding of her formative years and what she experienced.

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Quote of the Week: Let Our Light Shine

"As we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same." - Marianne Williamson
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Anticipation

Anyone else out there remember the old Heinz ketchup commercial? I can't hear this word without singing the song in my head.

For those of you that don't remember, it was an annoying tune with just a few words. "Anticipation is making me wait." Argh. How true that has been for me recently.

My October has been all planned out for months. A long visit from a relative followed by an out-of-town women's retreat. No wiggle room. No time for anything extra. Just a packed-to-the-gills month that I was SO looking forward to.

But it all went away. Plans fall through, events get postponed. I know all of these things. But my heart is having a hard time catching up. I'm sad. I was mad for a little while. I don't understand.

As a birthmother I can remember the time we were invited to my birthdaughter's wedding. It was such an honor and we were SO excited. That didn't happen either. One thing I've learned about myself is that while I enjoy things like vacations and time with friends, another thing I enjoy almost as much is the anticipation. The planning. The daydreaming. The looking forward to.

I'm recovering. I have allowed myself ample time to wallow this weekend. Now I'm trying to get back up on the horse that is my life and take a look at my calendar - my very empty calendar - and not think of what could have been or should have been but what can be.

How about you? What are you anticipating?

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Quote of the Week: New Day

"Every new day is another chance to change your life." - Unknown

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Quote of the Week: Things That Matter

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King

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Serenity

One of my favorite quotes is the “Serenity Prayer.” For those of you who may not be familiar with it, it reads as follows: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I think this is a perfect quote for a lot of people, but especially for birth moms.

The first part of that prayer can be difficult for any birth mom regardless of placement circumstances. Even if you’re like me and have a relationship with your child and his or her adoptive parents, there can be a lot of things we wish could be or could have been different. We can wish on our darkest days that we’d never gotten pregnant in the first place or that our relationship with our child’s adoptive parents was a closer relationship. We can spend days waiting for a picture, an email, or even a text that was promised and not delivered. If you don’t have a relationship with your child and his or her parents the doubts and desires get a lot stronger. It’s not much of a stretch to believe that accepting the things you can’t change would be harder to do in that circumstance than doing the same thing if there’s not much about your relationship with your child and his or her parents that you would change.

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I think that even if you have a wonderful relationship with your child and his or her parents you still have regret. Even our greatest decisions in life are tinged with regret. I’m not saying that I believe the decision to relinquish my daughter was the greatest decision I’ve ever made. I’m not assuming you would believe the same thing about your own situation, nor should you. However even if you believe as I do that you made an appropriate decision given your circumstances at the time that you will still struggle with regret at least occasionally.

There may not be a thing you can do to change your situation, whatever it may be. But if you cannot change your situation I hope that you find serenity in the things you cannot change. This doesn’t mean that you will be happy with the situation. Finding peace in your situation is not the same as finding happiness. Happiness is elusive and reliant on situations and other people. The peace that comes with a general acceptance of your not being able to change the situation in which you find yourself is something for which to strive.

It’s not easy. I think it’s a lifetime journey just as dealing with the lifetime grief journey that starts once you relinquish your rights to your child. But I also believe that it’s possible.

Better or Different?

A local adoption agency is holding a workshop at my church for couples and families interested in learning more about adoption. This agency, whom I consider to be very reputable, has the tag line of Helping children and families find a better life. That got me wondering if that's what I did. Did I help my child find a better life?

In 1987 I was a high school student, living at home with no steady source of income other than my summer job at a t-shirt store. I didn't have any skills apart from the ones I had learned about customer service and the process of silkscreening.

My birthdaughter's parents, on the other hand, were both professionals working in their respective fields. They had two steady income sources, two cars, a home and a dog. They enjoyed a certain amount of both financial and personal freedom since they had no children.

But did I really give her a better life? I gave her a different life than she would have had with me. I never could have afforded the material things her parents were able to give her. She has a sister that joined the family a couple years after she did. She also had parents that divorced after promising to love each other for the rest of their lives. She had a step-mom and the tension that caused with her mom.

And she didn't have me, the link to her health, her looks, her mannerisms, her family.

So better? Not sure. Different? Definitely.

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Music Monday: Broken by Lindsey Haun

Quote of the Week: Forgive

"I forgive everyone in my life and release them with love.  They are free and I am free." - Unknown

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Misplaced Anger

Have you ever found yourself placing blame where it doesn't belong when it comes to your adoption? I don't necessarily mean placing blame out of guilt or regret, but what I mean is, have you ever justified your decision to yourself by trying to reason it out? I started thinking about this the other day. Oftentimes, there is anger associated with adoption when it comes to birthmoms. I suppose I can only speak for myself, but I can admit that my anger has sky rocketed in ways that it never had before since placing my daughter. I do not regret my decision - yes, sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make a different decision - but I know in reality that even if I were given that chance, I would still make the same choice. Because this is not about me, my ex, or my family. This always has been and always will be about and for my little girl.

The other morning, as I was doing my hair and getting ready for work, I noticed my rabbit out of the corner of my eye. He was jumping and bouncing around in his cage, and then he started furiously scratching at his food bowl. I walked in to the room we keep him in, and realized that his food bowl was empty from the night before. I said to him (yes, don't laugh, anyone who has animals talks to them, and I won't believe otherwise ;)) "why are you scratching your food bowl?! It's not your bowl's fault that it's empty - YOU ate all of it." Something clicked in my head when I said that. Hmm, who knew 'talking' to a rabbit could bring you to a revelation about yourself? I started to realize that I have put blame on others for my decision to place my daughter, even though I stand by my decision and strongly believe in it. I believe, at the end of the day, that I did the right thing for her. Was it the right thing for me? Maybe not. But that doesn't matter. The moment you are pregnant, that other being comes before you. That's being a parent. Back to my point - misplaced anger and blame. I have deflected blame onto other people and circumstances in my life, when really, I shouldn't. I spent a long time blaming her birth father...thinking, 'well, if he had done this, or said this, or shown me this,' etc. I also spent a great deal of time blaming my parents. I thought if they had just offered a little more help, I could have kept her. I blamed the fact that I took a year off from school before going back. I blamed the fact that I hadn't graduated from college yet. I blamed my $12.00-an-hour job. I blamed my $280 car payments for the fact that I had no money. I blamed every one and every thing until I started to resent every one and every thing, all so I could avoid being angry at myself for not being able to be the parent my daughter deserved. I apologize if this post is too depressing; I always try to remain neutral, however, I am just being honest.

Can you believe my angry, hungry little rabbit made me realize all of this? My point is, if we feel that we need to forgive ourselves for our decisions, then we need to do just that. Forgive. Holding onto anger, especially anger directed at oneself, is a recipe for absolute disaster.

So, do you ever feel angry when it comes to your adoption or placement because of circumstances out of your control?

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