The 'Mother' in Birthmother

I've heard my mom say that her life is intricately woven into the lives of my my sister and me. She said that not a day goes by that she isn't thinking of us, praying for us, wondering what we're doing, and what is going on in our world at any given moment.

As I rolled that comment over and over in my mind, my thoughts turned to my birthdaughter Katie. How often I have thought of her over the years. How often my heart has wondered where she is, what she's doing and what is going on in her world.

Now that I have my own parented children, I can see my mom's perspective. I currently stay at home with my girls and are constantly involved in the details of their lives. Some days it gets old, but I know it won't always be this way. And I know when that day comes I will be sad. Yes it will be right. Yes I will be happy to know they are independent. But I will miss knowing the ins and outs and ups and downs of their day.

As mothers we are created to play an intimate, critical role in the lives of our children. But as birthmothers that time ends too soon and we are left wondering.

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Music Monday: The Climb by Miley Cyrus

Quote of the Week: Stepping Stone

"Failure is a stepping stone to success" - Unknown

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Spotlight Blogger: Meet Debbie

Deb with Monkey, the son she placed

I have to admit I was pretty excited to feature Debbie.  As a long-time blog follower and friend, I've knowledge about her story.  I love her insights and the way she writes her blog.  Without further ado, my interview with Debbie.

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing). 

I am Debbie, 25 and living in Seattle. My adoption plan was born from a lot of different thoughts -- first, I had always 'known' I would have a baby for someone else. Then was the incredible broke-ness I was living in. There was also the (emotionally at that point) abusive boyfriend and a rocky relationship. I was just not ready to be a mother, and especially not with him as the father.

When and why did you begin blogging? 

I had to look that up -- January 11, 2011. I just missed my blog's birthday, BOO! Initially it was a way to just get my story out there, back when it was a good story to tell. I knew there were not many birthmother voices out there and it is a side (as all sides are) that needs to be reachable.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it? 

'Marginally a Mother' was originally 'Complications of a Mastermind' after a Red Hot Chilli Peppers Song. The lyrics go : 'Complications of a master mind, last temptation of my kind. Interplanetary sign, when will we collide?' It was kind of a nod to how alone it felt, how much I felt like this was all meant to be but we would eventually collide -- B's family and I. The title became 'Marginally a Mother' because I did not want people to think I was stuck up, thinking of myself as a mastermind. It more perfectly fits anyway, especially now when I am marginally a mother to Monkey (my placed son) and marginally a (step) mother to Sugar Butt (my boyfriend's son from another relationship).

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both? 

Positive, thankfully. I have gotten a lot of support, but also a lot of chances to just get my reality out there. It has allowed me to somewhat educate people about how it feels to be the birthmother in a closed(broken) adoption and how to best connect with their child's birthmom.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

I would say 'Whatever You Do, DON'T' is my favorite post right now.  It is informative and real -- and useful to the world.  A must read? Well, obviously my story (the whole first month, really).

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

Do it. Do it for yourself, and for the adoption world. Get your voice out there and you will learn from others, they will learn from you. I think it is super worth it, even if you only post twice a month. Adoption is a close knit world, even online.

Get Connected

After my closed adoption, I struggled with many issues. While there is no magic pill, God showed me some very specific things to do in order to bring about healing. Some had to do with drawing closer to him, others had to do with getting my feet grounded in a solid church and with solid Christians all around me. Today's is about establishing a solid foundation.

Get connected. Are you part of a church? A bible study? It’s important to receive regular Biblical teaching. It helps us grow our faith and opens our eyes to what God may be doing in our own lives.

It is also where we meet other women who believe the same things we do. Some will be stronger in their faith and further down the road. Others will be newer to the faith than we are. Many women will be dealing with issues similar to ones you have and will be trying to find healing with God’s help. Why not join them?

After college I had such a hard time finding a church. It seemed to me that church was a place people went in their nicest clothes and prettiest smiles. While I was involved in a church in college, starting out on my own seemed like a whole new thing. I bore the scarlet letter of an unplanned pregnancy whether or not anyone else could see it. But I persevered and finally found a place I fit in and was able to grow in my faith.

It didn't happen overnight. I was silent about my own hurts for a long time. But then I just started letting the truth come out a little at a time. No one called me names. Or threw me out of the group. That gave me confidence to share a little more and a little more.

Get connected. Try out churches. Visit Sunday school classes and Bible studies. And then commit to one place and put down roots.

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Music Monday: You'll be in my Heart by Phil Collins

Quote of the Week: Be Glad for Life

"Be glad for life, because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play and to look up at the stars." - Henry Van Dyke

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Book Review: Because I Loved You

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today I’m reviewing “Because I Loved You: A Birthmother’sView of Open Adoption”, by Patricia Dischler.

It’s a relatively short book, and an easy read for those of us who’ve been in the adoption world for some time, especially as birth mothers.  It’s well-organized, and I love the way that she intersperses her own story with practical advice. 

I would say this book would be best for expectant mothers considering adoption.  The story begins from the moment she found out that she was pregnant and her circumstances at that point, so that’s when the advice begins as well.  Patricia describes her book the best at the very beginning of chapter one when she says, “This book is about being pregnant when you hadn’t planned to be and about making a decision to keep your baby or place your baby with an adoptive family.”  She goes on to say, “This is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make in your life, and there is no single right decision for every woman or girl who faces an unplanned pregnancy.”  I very much appreciated the latter quote as society as a whole still tends to dump two choices in our laps when we’re faced with an unplanned pregnancy – abortion or placement, and even those aren’t compatible choices.  There isn’t one right choice when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and I strongly believe society as a whole shouldn’t ever force someone to make a decision like adoption if it’s not the right choice for them.  Adoption was the right choice for me, but I’m not assuming it is for everyone.  On this, Patricia and I are in wholehearted agreement.

I particularly liked her analogy when speaking of beginning an open adoption.  She brings to memory the game that a lot of counselors can make you play where you close your eyes and fall backwards into someone else’s arms, trusting that the person will catch you and not let you fall.  She then says, “This is what open adoption can feel like in the beginning, except you have no reason to trust the person who is supposed to catch you because it’s a stranger.  They haven’t done anything to gain your trust, and, likewise, you’ve done nothing to earn their trust.  A birthmother blindly trusts strangers to love her child as their own, to let her know he’s happy, and to never deny her existence.  Likewise, adoptive parents trust a stranger to give up her child, to make them a family, and to never tear them apart.”  I truly appreciated that she not only brought in the birth mother’s position, but also the adoptive parents’ positions.

Patricia actually gave me not only the copy of her book that I read and am reviewing for you now, but she sent an extra copy for me to give to my daughter’s parents.  I thank her for her generosity!  My daughter’s mom just told me that she finished reading the book and that she agrees with my sentiment that it’s definitely a book geared toward expectant moms that are considering the choice of adoption.  I would add that brand new birth moms would benefit from reading this as well to give them some idea of the road ahead, and potential adoptive parents and their families might also benefit if they’d like to see open adoption from a birth mom’s point of view.

Thanks again, Patricia, for allowing me to read your book!

Healing our Past

After my closed adoption, I struggled with many issues. While there is no magic pill, God showed me some very specific things to do in order to bring about healing. Some had to do with drawing closer to him, others had to do with getting my feet grounded in a solid church and with solid christians all around me. Today's might seem obvious, but it has taken me a long time to get it.

Tell God everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I know how tedious this sounds. But go with me for a minute. You’re not going to tell him something he doesn't already know. He knows all about you – he created you - and is crazy in love with you regardless of your faults. But he wants to hear it from you. It is amazing the power that is taken away from our deep dark secrets when we speak them out loud. Name your sins to God. Call them for what they are. Repent and start a new path.

The step of naming my sins was so hard for me. I mean, I knew he knew all about me, but the shame of an unwed pregnancy and what it did to my family was overwhelming. I couldn't start praying without just bawling my eyes out.

So how did I finally do it? Probably out of anger or frustration. I got so sick of carrying "the big secret" around all by myself. I just couldn't do it anymore. So in a state of exasperation, I kind of just flung it at him. I learned that he would rather I speak from my heart than follow some religious model.

Name your sins. Name your hurts. Name the people who inflicted the pain on you. Scream, cry, yell, whatever is most appropriate given your situation. Get as much out at a time as you can. You may need to rinse and repeat this step as many times as necessary to get it all out.

Then stop and listen. Just be still. Silence can be deafening at times. But be still and know you have been heard. Let the angels pray over you. Let God whisper words of hope and healing to your heart. Give yourself time to recover before moving on to your commitment.

Tell him everything. No matter how small. He wants to know you intimately and wants you to rely on him for everything.

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Music Monday: Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson

Quote of the Week: Never too late

No matter where you are in life, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are - it is never too late to be who you are meant to be. - Esther & Jerry Hicks

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