I believe being a birth mother is an
amazing blessing. I have learned so many things through my journey, and it has
made me the person I am today. I also believe in some ways, it makes some
things harder. Obviously there are all the emotions and pain we go through, but
I also believe being a birth mother affects the relationships we have. In my
life I see this, particularly in new relationships (ones who didn't know me
before I was a birth mother). I do not think these relationships are harmed in
any way, and often they are nourished because of my journey, but they are very
much affected. These people never knew the person I was before, and they cannot
understand the journey I traveled to get to where I am today. Without the
experience of those very formative months of my life it is hard to fully
understand me.
I have
recently been very aware of how my husband (and I'm sure others) pay for some
of the things I went through during my pregnancy with my son. I had a very
difficult time with the birth father and his entire family. There was very
little respect or concern for what I was
going through. When my son was born they showed a sense of entitlement to this
baby which they had not done anything for or seemed to care for in any way. I was
this pawn for them in their game, and only useful when they were getting something
from me.
As I have gone through other
pregnancies I have experienced similar feelings with
my
husband's family. It is in no way the same situation, and there is not the same
hatred and disrespect surrounding it all. However, there is enough that the
feelings are the same for me, and because of my experience with my son's birth,
I am thrown right back to that time six years ago.
I know
in many ways this is not fair, and it is very hard for people to understand
when they did not walk that path with me the first time around. For me, it is
real. The feelings hurt all over again and the fear of a repeat is clear in my
mind. It brings it all back in the form of flashbacks and memories which feel
as if they are occurring at that moment.
It has
become important to me to set boundaries. I know that I have certain triggers
which make everything harder, and unfortunately, just giving birth is one of
them. While the experience with each child is different and special, it also
puts me back in that place. Being
in the same hospital going through labor once again, it is impossible for me to
completely separate the situations. I know this is hard for others to
understand, but for me it is my reality. So I try my best to help others
understand and I work very hard to prepare myself for these feelings and
prevent what I can.
Being a birth mother is such an incredible gift. It is part of
my story, and whether people realize it or not, it reaches into every corner of my life. It can pop up at any time in any way imaginable.
I don't have it all figured out yet, and I probably never will. What I do know
is that those people who are worth having in my life will take the time to try
and understand, and still accept me when they cannot understand. It's all part
of the journey.
