Spotlight Blogger: Meet Brittani

This week's featured blogger is Brittani of "loved_BE."  She also blogs at "Just Breezy," but she has recently moved all her adoption-related posts to loved_BE.  Let's find out a little more about Brittani...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Brittani and I am 22 years old. I am an Idaho girl, born and raised in the northwest. I’ve moved around a ton but I call Idaho my home. I was raised in foster care and went through 23+ placements as well as a failed adoption when I was in elementary school. I was born in Utah but moved to Idaho after my birthmom’s rights were terminated. I was separated from my siblings and everything I had ever known to live with my adoptive family. After nearly 4 years with them my amom was diagnosed with lupus. The combination of her illness and my attachment issues made for a pretty tough situation and they made the heart wrenching decision to place me back in foster care. From there I moved seven more times until I aged out of care. My last placement began my junior year of high school and they are who I consider to be my “forever family” along with my birth family who I reconnected with when I was in high school. This may seem unrelated but trust me; these experiences all played a large role in my decision to place my son for adoption.

Fast forward to adulthood and you find me a junior in college and unexpectedly pregnant. For the first few months I was really in denial about the whole thing. The game changer for me was when my boyfriend at the time made it clear to me that he did not want a child, especially not a child with me. That was when I realized I was in a tough situation. I am a strong believer that it takes two to raise a child. I had no desire to be a single parent raising a child on the part-time salary of a college student. I decided to look into placing my son for adoption when I was about 3 ½ months pregnant.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I began blogging when my son was one week old. I had so much going on in my head and heart and could not think of any other way to process all of it. I had read some other birthmom blogs in the weeks leading up to my delivery and thought maybe that would be a good outlet. That way I could feel like I was being “heard” without actually having to talk to someone.

I also knew I would not remember all of the details if I didn’t get them down in writing. I wanted to have something I could go back and read and that I can potentially share with my son someday.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

When I started my blog it was more of a journal and was not exclusively about adoption. I recently decided to create a separate blog for my adoption related posts. I chose to call it loved_BE. for a few reasons. One is that my name starts with a B and I liked the sort of play on words. Second [and more significant] is that I experienced love through reading other birthmom blogs and I want my readers to feel love through sharing in my life. I feel like it is such an important thing to blog about because it is a reminder that we truly are not alone in this. Birthmoms are such a minority in the overall scheme of things, it is easy to begin to feel like nobody understands and that we are all alone.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

I have had mostly positive response online and mostly negative response in person. I’m not sure why but it seems the anonymity of blogging helps remove the personal/emotional response from most readers. I know that is not the case for everyone but so far it has been the case for me. I have had a handful of negative responses but I try to screen them out and not fuel the fire.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?


Obviously I would recommend that someone start with the first 3 posts that chronicle my pregnancy and decision to place my son.
 
But beyond that I would say that anyone connected to adoption should read the post "If I had to, I wouldn't."  It discusses feelings of regret post-placement. The moment I began to feel regret is huge for me and I think it is an important issue for people to be aware of – on all sides of the triad. Up until that point I never thought I could keep my son and I never thought adoption was the wrong choice. I’m not saying that I shouldn’t have placed my son, simply that I never considered not placing him. I wish that I had an opportunity to know what it would have been like with him here. I wish someone had believed that I would be a good mother. I do not feel that I had the support I needed to make an educated decision.

For a woman planning to place her child for adoption she should read "Things I regret...".    It goes through missed opportunities during my time with him in the hospital. I think they are important things to think about ahead of time so she will know what she wants and won’t miss those opportunities if she doesn’t want to.
Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

Learn blogging etiquette before you start! :) I failed to do this and broke many rules as far as anonymity, giving credit where credit is due, replying to comments in a timely manner, etc.

Have an idea of who you want your audience to be and what your content is about. I made the mistake of jumping around a lot as far as content goes.

Don’t be afraid to go awhile without writing. It is better  to have space between posts than it is to have nonsense posts that people will not care to read.

Be honest. With yourself and your readers. Don’t try to present an image because you will get caught up in trying to fit that image and you will become less and less genuine.

Better

It’s been two weeks since I found myself crying my eyes out in the Awana closet at church. I guess things are better now than they were then. But on second thought, I’m not sure.

What is better? What defines whether something is better today than it was yesterday? Does the situation actually have to change in order for things to be better? In my case nothing has changed. Things are what they are; my feelings are still hurt and I’m so so sad.

The better has come from acknowledging my grief and from recognizing the why of what I’m feeling. It has come from talking to others and talking to God. While in talking to others I have been careful not to slander the people involved, with God, all bets are off. I have told him exactly how I’m feeling and exactly what I think of the whole situation.

In return, has he changed anything? No. Nothing about the situation has changed. Yet still I’m better. Yes, I’m still hurt. And I’m still sad. So sad. But I’m also peaceful. And joyful. And thankful. I wish things were different, but they’re not and I don’t have the power to change them. Instead, all I can do is trust God that he knows what he’s doing. He knows that these things are simply groundwork for the next thing he’s going to do.

For me, since I’m an innocent bystander, I get to watch. And pray. And be hopeful that what he’s doing today will continue changing lives for tomorrow. Even mine. Especially mine. It’s amazing how a situation in someone else’s life can affect change in my own.

The next time you’re have a meltdown in an unexpected location, rest assured that God is at work whether it feels like it or not.

Photo Credit

Music Monday: God Speed by the Dixie Chicks

Quote of the Week: Inner Light

"Your fears are just guideposts to growth; surpass them and embrace your inner light." - Joe Keane

Photo Credit

It's Not Easy Being Green

Image credit: muppet.wikia.com

Those of you who are familiar with Kermit the Frog singing "It's Not Easy Being Green" will know it's a song about Kermit complaining about the color of his "skin" and then realizing that it's not so bad and it's beautiful after all.  On its surface, that's what the song is about.  But if you look a little deeper, that song can be applied to so many things.

When faced with such a momentous decision as the decision all birthmoms make in placing their children for adoption, I argue that the decision contributes to our individual "greenness."  It's irrevocable and life changing.  We cannot be who we once were ever again.  It becomes an integral part of our day-to-day lives and most of our decision making processes.  Therefore it's as if we've changed our skin color.

At the beginning of the song, Kermit is describing how he's not other colors that make him more important or "tall" or more beautiful.  Some birthmoms get stuck in that grieving process Kermit describes.  We get stuck in regret.  We start thinking that we will never be worth anything to anyone because we "gave away" our child.  We worry constantly that we've made a horrible decision and think that "if only" we'd been given more options or "if only" our lives were a little different that we wouldn't have made the decision we did.  "If only" we were a different "color."

Yes, it's possible.  It's possible that if whatever circumstances led to your decision to place your child were slightly different that you could be raising your child now.  It's possible that you could've changed your circumstances for the better and would be able to support both of you.  When I placed my daughter with her parents, I didn't know what the future would bring.  I only knew then that I didn't feel emotionally or physically ready to parent my daughter and that her parents were ready for that challenge.

So, we can choose to regret the "color" we are.  We can choose to mope every day about a decision that we cannot change, or we can rock our "greenness."  We can find beauty in our situations whatever they may be despite the pain that we will never stop feeling on some level.  My heart hurts for those birthmoms in broken open adoptions.  My heart hurts for the regret I know they feel. Rocking our greenness does not mean that we have to go public about ourselves and our situations.  We can rock being green to no one but ourselves or those in our closest circles that know we are birthmoms.

I choose to rock being green.  I cannot go back on the decision I made now, even if I wanted to go back on it.  Kermit says at the end of the song that "when green is all there is to be, it can make you wonder why, but why wonder" and then he says "I am green.  It'll do fine.  It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be."  I want to be green.  It's beautiful.  I'm thankful that I'm who I am, including being a birthmom.  It's what I want to be.

 *I posted this originally on my own blog, Monika's Musings.  However, Coley read it and thought it was so good (thank you, Coley, for that wonderful positive vote!) that she wanted me to post it here as well.  My apologies to those of you who might follow my personal blog for the repeat.

Get Over It

It seems by now we've all heard this phrase somehow related to being a birthmom. Like we’re supposed to take some magic pill and suddenly our grief will be gone. Well, the loss of a child ranks way up there on the grief scale no matter how we lost that child. The only way for us to ‘get over it’ in a healthy way is to grieve through the steps.

Some women live in denial for years by pretending it didn't happen. This only creates a false sense of reality. In order to truly grieve, it’s important to acknowledge the birth and subsequent loss of your child. It’s perfectly appropriate to be sad. Or mad. Or whatever you’re feeling.

Cry. Scream. Run. Write. Pray.

Do whatever you need to do to get your feelings out. Rinse and repeat. Be prepared to set aside time regularly to do these things. Be it every day or every week, expect to set aside this time for grieving for as long as it takes to come to a place of acceptance and peace. Be prepared to be okay for awhile and then feel the need to start up your self-care routine again.

It may sound silly to schedule grief on your calendar like you would a root canal, but knowing you are purposefully setting aside time each day to grieve may actually make your day go more smoothly. It may give you a clear head with which to complete the rest of your responsibilities. As long as you are expressing your grief in a healthy way, you’ll be okay. It’s when we try to bury living grief that we get into trouble. Living things don’t stay buried forever. That’s why sooner or later, those who try to deny their experience fall apart. They can’t hide the truth from themselves forever.

So how are you "getting over it"?

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Pregnancy after Placement by Guest Blogger, Katelyn

We have decided to start accepting guest bloggers (if you are interested, please email us!) and I'm so pleased to introduce our first guest blogger, Katelyn. She blogs at her blog titled, My Angels from God. Katelyn is going to share some of the fears she felt and experienced as a birthmother dealing with a pregnancy years after  placement. 

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To start off I thought I should introduce myself.  I'm Katelynn and I'm a birth  mother to a beautiful Angel named Ally. She is 4 1/2 (born in May of 2007).

I am an adoptive mother to a handsome Angel named Cayden, he is 4 1/2 (born in April of 2007).

I am also the biological mother to Jaxson.  He is 7 months old.

I have an open adoption with Ally.  I see her a few times a year and her mother sends me emails when she has time (she's a mother of 5 so when she has time is wonderful).  I have a semi-closed adoption with Cayden's birth mother.  I update a blog for her when she likes me to.  Cayden will be able to meet her in person when he's old enough to understand the past.  I became Cayden's Mommy just after his second birthday.  He is my husbands biological son.

There is a certain list of fears that comes along with placing.  For me the biggest fear was that I would never have another daughter.  However there were many other fears.

A fear that I never thought about until I was living it, was the fear that I wouldn't be able to have more children.  I was told the chances of me ever carrying another pregnancy full term was slim to none.  I was heart broken, devastated, and all at the same time angry.  After 2 miscarriages I was able to carry past 15 weeks and was told my pregnancy was healthy.  I had come full circle with motherhood.  But there were still many emotions that I wasn't prepared for.  I was completely and utterly terrified to tell my family I was pregnant.  It made NO sense at the time.  I was married, we had been trying to get pregnant, everything was right.  Why was I so scared?  I thought about it for a long long time until I realized that the last time I had told my family I was pregnant was  horrible.  There is a look that a mother gives their child when she is disappointed... that look breaks hearts.  That look was what I was so entirely scared of.  But after I told them and they became so excited I realized that nothing was going to be like my last full term pregnancy.

My pregnancy was by far not easy.  I lost a total of 42 pounds being pregnant.  Needless to say I was sick ALL the time.  But that wasn't the worst part.  I lived many of the fears on my "list of fears"  but my biggest fear was the hardest for me to deal with (at least for now).  I was pregnant with a boy and asked "why" so many times.  Why did I have to live through all of my post placement fears.  There had to be a reason.  I'm still unsure of the reason to tell you the truth.  When we found out our baby would be a boy I cried for a good 2 weeks.  I was told many times that I should just be grateful I was pregnant.  I was told that crying because it was a boy would make my child feel unloved.  No one was there to tell me that all my crying was normal.  It was ok.  It was HEALTHY!  Throughout the pregnancy I had a hard time connecting with the baby.   I had a hard time realizing he was "mine".  I distanced myself from the baby and in fact until I was nearly 6 months pregnant NEVER called myself the baby's "mommy".  I was so worried about connecting with the baby because of how I had distanced myself from Ally.

I tried to "prepare" my self for this delivery.  There would be so many things similar to Ally's delivery that I knew I had some gearing up to do.  However I went into early labor in January and was completely and utterly unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me in the delivery room.  I also wasn't prepared for the multiple trips to Labor and Delivery.  I was put on bed rest and made 4 trips to the hospital to stop my labor.  When Ally was born she was sick and I was terrified that if I had my baby boy was born early that he'd be sick and then I'd have to deal with all those emotions all over again.  I knew that I needed to make a "hospital plan" and I knew there would be some people that didn't like it.  I had decided that I didn't want anyone to come to the hospital, including family members, and was told by one of those family members "you do realize you're actually taking this baby home with you."  Honestly that was the last thing I needed to hear.  I was angry and hurt.  No one understood the feelings I was dealing with.  They didn't understand that for the rest of Ally's life she isn't mine.  They didn't understand for the rest of Cayden's life his first 2 years will never be mine.

During my pregnancy with Jaxson I felt crazy.  I would freak out at the smallest things people would do.  When Daniel would ask me how I was doing it was hard to answer him because I didn't know how I was doing.  I was an emotional basket case.  Feelings that I hadn't dealt with in years were coming back and I didn't understand why.  Being pregnant there are emotions that everyone deals with but being pregnant after placing those emotions become so complex and strange.  So if you feel like you're abnormal because you have crazy moments where your emotions are out of control and you don't understand it... you are normal... it is real... and believe me... it works out in the end!

My family in May 2011