Music Monday: Smile by Lonestar

"I'm gonna smile 'cause I wanna make you happy

Laugh, so you can't see me cry

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me, I'm gonna smile"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Quote of the Week: Strength

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Photo Credit

The Birth of a Baby

My son, Aidan and I after 32 hours
of labor. 

Since my son's birth and the creation of an adoption plan, my life has continued to grow. I have two beautiful little girls and I am expecting another one in the next few weeks. While it is so joyful to experience the birth of more children and the growth of my family, I can't help but feel moments of great sadness as I await the arrival of a new baby. 

This pregnancy has brought back so many memories of the moments that lead up to my sons birth. With all my pregnancies I have had health complications, but this one has felt the most like that of my son. My health has become a real concern and I have spent time in the hospital. As I have sat in the hospital waiting for tests results and praying I could go home and keep this baby growing inside a little longer, my mind quickly drifts back to six years ago and the month I spent in that same hospital feeling those same things. Despite the differences I can only see the similarities and feel it all over again. I often find myself with irrational fears of my daughters birth. They come in hazy feelings like a memory that is happening all over again. I worry I will not be allowed to be her mother, I worry about feeling those same things I felt when my son was born and my heart was taken away from me. 

I am excited to be having another baby and for the most part my rational thinking is able to prevail, but at times I feel as though I am 17 again, scared and about to face one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So as I await the birth of my newest precious baby, I pray for strength to face the hospital and the familiar feelings that come with having a baby. I know that this time it is different, yet as a birth mother a part of me will stay in those moments. It is all part of the journey. 

 

 

 

Music Monday: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift

"And all my walls stood tall painted blue

But I'll take 'em down, take 'em down and open up the door for you

And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies the beautiful kind

Making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like

I just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Quote of the Week: Presence

“Your presence is your power.”

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Photo Credit

Music Monday: The Reason by Hoobastank

"I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Quote of the Week: Freedom

“Freedom lies in being bold.”

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Photo Credit

Music Monday: If You Only Knew by Shinedown

"If you only knew

How many times I counted

All the words that went wrong

If you only knew

How I refuse to let you go,

Even when you're gone

I don't regret any days I

Spent, nights we shared,

Or letters that I sent"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Quote of the Week: Dreamers

"All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true."

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Photo Credit

Living through the Heartache

After talking  last week about milestones, I have spent some time reflecting on ways I cope with these hard times and work through the emotions. My son’s first day of school is tomorrow! I cannot believe how quickly he has grown and we are at one of those huge markers in his life. It has definitely hit me hard facing this moment alone and not being there by his side. I have had to look into myself and at those around me for different ways to help get me through this time. I have found over these past few years that there are certain things I can do that just help me when I feel like I may slip into a deep sadness. Other people may have different things they do that help them, but for me allowing myself to feel involved and to feel the emotions I have has been very helpful.

When my son was born and we all agreed on an open adoption plan, I promised myself I would always allow myself to stay involved. While it can be difficult at times when I feel as though his family sees me as a burden or I worry about trying too hard, the reality has always been that it brings happiness to my son. I have sent little gifts in the mail, cards on special days, or even for no reason at all. I have made special gifts which include pictures of me and the rest of his birth family to show him all the people who love him. Anything I can think of that gives him a special surprise and helps him to know he is always on my heart; these are things that give me peace. It is just something little, but has always been a helpful way for me to show him my love, even when I cannot be present. For his first day of school I prepared a little backpack filled with after school or lunch snacks with special notes on them, along with a few school supplies and special pictures my girls drew for him. I always take pictures of the gifts I send, so that someday, when he no longer has these items, he can still have a memory of those special things I tried to do for him.

I have also allowed myself the opportunity to celebrate! I have been blessed to spend every birthday with my son, and we celebrate special holidays, but often not on the exact day. When I am away from him on special days or events I allow myself to celebrate here with my family, even though Aidan is not here with us. I feel like I have every right to feel happy for special events in Aidan’s life, and doing something special gives me that sense of being included, and including my girls and other family as well. This doesn’t make the pain go away, but it gives me something to do, and gives me some peace. So tomorrow as Aidan wakes up and goes off to school, I will take my girls out for a special breakfast. We will talk about “bubba” and pray that he has an amazing day at school. I will enjoy the pictures I receive and I will celebrate the day with my girls. My heart will still ache, but this is my journey, and part of surviving it is learning to live with the heartache. 

 

Picture Credit

Music Monday: Make You Feel My Love by Adele

"I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

no doubt in my mind were you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Quote of the Week: Jealousy

"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Photo Credit

Milestones

As birth mothers, we face those milestone moments in our child’s life in a very different way than other mothers.  There is the normal excitement as our children grow and learn new things, but there is also a deep sadness and longing because we are often not there to witness these things first hand.  It is easy to feel left out of our children’s big moments because we are not the ones who get to see these things happen and experience the joy of these moments with them.

The time is coming in my son’s life for another one of  these milestones, and I can’t help but have a heavy heart knowing I will not be there to witness it.  Aidan is starting Kindergarten this year.  I am beyond excited for him to begin his journey with school and enjoy all the fun things he will get to do and learn.  I just wish I was the one who would be walking him into his classroom and holding back tears as I had to leave him on his first day.  I know I will get pictures, and I enjoy having the opportunity to see these special events, but it is in no way the same as actually being there.  While I am so thankful for the pictures and I always want more, in some ways it can make it harder at times.  It gives me the chance to see even more clearly the joyful things I am missing out on.

I cannot believe how fast my baby boy is growing.  It is hard to believe we are at another milestone in his life and he will be starting kindergarten in just a couple of weeks.  It seems like just yesterday he was still here inside and with me at every moment.  It is hard knowing that I am not there with him, and even more so, that these moments are no longer meant to be for me.  I gave all of those moments away the moment I choose what was best for him.  I am beyond blessed to still be included in so many moments of his life, yet it doesn’t take the pain away when I am not with him.  So I will allow myself to feel sad and happy on that day.  I will smile at the thought of my sweet boy with his backpack all ready for school for the first time, and I will cry that my hand is not the one that he is holding. 

picture credit

Music Monday: Selah by Lauryn Hill

"Coping with despair, knowing you're not there

Ashamed to just admit I've been a fool

So I blame it on the sun

Run away from everyone

Hoping to escape this ridicule

Trapped in misery

Wrapped so miserably

And his deception I wear it like a skin

Dying to maintain

While I keep trying to explain

A heart that never loved me to begin with

Oh, I'm such a mess"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Quote of the Week: The Ropes of Life

“We learn the ropes of life by untying its knots.” 

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Photo Credit