Acceptance

I did really well right after my daughter was born. I went back to school about two months after I had her and lost 50 pounds in five months through diet and exercise. I felt great and loved my new found freedom and getting my life back. Then one day it all hit me. I was just plain sad. I had never let myself truly grieve for what had taken place. I saw a therapist at my school and slowly I got better again. Through everything though I have never regretted my decision to place, and for that I am thankful. I grieved my lost motherhood. I grieved not being able to be her mom, but I knew that she was where she was meant to be. I wanted her to be happy more than I wanted myself to be happy, because honestly that's all that really matters.

For everyone out there who is struggling just know that it is okay to ask for help. No matter if its been a month, a year, three years or 34 years after placement, it is okay to let yourself grieve. Do not run from these feelings, they will catch up to you and hit you harder. I know that there are many of us who do regret placing our children, and for you I hope you find peace. You made the best decision you could with the knowledge you had. You put your child first in that moment, and that is the most selfless thing you could have ever done.

This last weekend was mothers day weekend and I know for many of us that is the worst weekend of the year. I woke up and felt an overwhelming sadness, thinking about how my motherhood was gone. But then I realized something. It isn't. I love my daughter and I put her above myself, which is what any mother does. I think about her everyday and miss her when she is not around, just like any mother out there. You are all mothers no matter what a mean spirited person says to you. You deserve every ounce of praise that another mother receives. Love yourself. I hope all of you had a good weekend and received that praise. And if you didn't here it is. Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being the best MOTHER you could be for your child. Thank you for bringing an amazing new life into this world.You are loved and honored.

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Happy Mother's Day!

The ladies here at BirthMom Buds want to wish you all a very Happy Mother's Day.  We know how triggering today can be so please be kind to yourselves!  Do something just for YOU today! Talk to a friend, call one of your birthmom friends, go out and treat yourself to a dinner, a spa day, anything that will make you smile even for a few minutes.  Remember.... you are not alone!

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Just Another Mother's Day

Mother's Day is upon us again.  I don't really like Mother's Day.

I don't like it because of the constant advertisements that are all over the internet, the radio, and the newspapers.  We're really lucky I don't have cable right now because I might have broken my own TV by now.  I know it's got to be all over the place right now.  I don't really like it because I don't want to be reminded that it's coming soon.  I know that it is.  And I will deal with it in my own way when it gets here.  But I don't need nor want to be reminded of it constantly in the days leading up to it.  All it really reminds me of is that my son is not going to be with me on Mother's Day.  I won't get a card from him.  I won't get flowers from him.  He's going to be spending the day with his mom.  And that's something I'm not a part of.  Of all the holidays of the year, Mother's Day, for me, is the worst.  I've tried to treat it like just another day, but that's not really possible in my case.

I get texts from my ex and his mother on Mother's Day.  They don't mean any malice in this.  I know. they do it because they still love me.  And I guess you could say I get my revenge because I tell my ex Happy Father's Day when that day rolls around.  Either I call my mom or she calls me so we can say it to each other.  I do like telling my mother Happy Mother's Day.  The first time she told me Happy Mother's Day, I was still big and pregnant.  My parents gave me a Mother's Day card in which they wrote, "Whatever you decide, we will always love you."  I knew they meant well.  And at the time I received it well.  But at the time I was still trying to decide what to do.  So it was difficult.

Sunday I will be going to church.  I'm going to church because the church I attend on occasion has a very low-key way of handling Mother's Day.  There is a blessing over every woman and girl in the church.  Then every woman and girl gets a carnation and the chance to go to the fellowship hall and have cake.  This will be the third time I've done so.  I like it this way.  No judgements about who I am or what I did, just that I am a mother as is every other woman.  I get a flower.  I get cake.  There are several people in the congregation who know about my son.  Even the pastor knows.  I'll show them the most recent pictures of him and they will wonder at how big he's gotten and how much he looks like me.  They'll be kind and tell me to have another piece of cake.  They know I miss him.  But in their eyes, I'm a mother as well.  And on Mother's Day, that's one thing I need.

I hope you all have a good Mother's Day and that you spend it how it suits you best.  Anyone else have any rituals or special things you do on Mother's Day?  Do let me know!

BMB Reform Blog: Birthmother's Day or Mother's Day

When I first ventured into the Facebook support groups a few years back, I heard of something I had never heard of in all my years as a natural mom:  Birthmother's Day.  I've heard different origin stories of how this day came to be, and to be honest I have no idea which one is accurate.  But I have noticed that this day often brings up a debate.

For those of you who don't know, Birthmother's Day is a day some of us mark the Saturday before Mother's Day.  So this year it would be May 9th.  The debate usually centers around one very valid
question:  Does Birthmother's Day segregate us as not being "real" mothers?

I have a very personal view of Birthmother's vs. Mother's Day.  With my daughters birthday being so close to it, for me, regardless of any other issues I have it's all just too much.  Not to mention my story isn't one of happiness and acceptance.  So I always say I don't need a day to recognize or celebrate the trauma I have been through.  Also, I tend to agree with the fact that I feel like it segregates me.  I would much rather be recognized on Mother's Day for the mother that I am.   I don't judge anyone who does choose to celebrate this day, but for me and my beliefs, it just doesn't fit.

How do you feel about Birthmother's Day in relation to Mother's Day?

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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Mother's Day

We here at Birthmom Buds realize how hard Mother's Day can be for most of us.  And how important it is that we are acknowledged.  So from us, to you and yours:  Happy Mother's Day!

Please remember to be kind to yourselves today.  Reach out to friends, or other birth moms who "get it". Do something special for just you.  You deserve it.  And you are thought of and loved!

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Mother's Day Weekend

You'd have to live under a rock to not know that it's Mother's Day weekend with all the commercials, displays, etc. It's a hard weekend for many birthmothers.

Try and be extra kind to yourself this weekend. Do something special for you such as take a long bubble bath, paint your toe nails a fun color, bake a yummy treat, buy yourself some flowers, or take a long walk.

No matter what anyone else says - you are a good Mother - you put your child's needs above your own feelings and that is what any good Mother would do.

Do something special for yourself - you deserve it!

And Happy Mother's Day!

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Mother's Day

Seven months after the placement of my birthson, I was sitting in a chair next to my mom at church when the preacher called for all mothers to stand up. It was Mother's Day.

My mom stood and I was caught in a mental and physical trap, starting to stand, starting to sit. Yes, I gave birth...but am I a mom? What would everyone think, knowing I had no child to mother?

My mom looked at me and pulled me up.

Decision made.

Mother's Day is one of the most difficult days for most birthmothers that I know, myself included, especially in the beginning. Mother's Day forces us into a corner, which can be especially uncomfortable for those of us who haven't quite figured out where we fit, and who maybe haven't told and don't wish to tell those outside our close friends and family. Despite that decision to have a level of privacy, it can be heartbreaking and a source of insecurity if Mother's Day comes and goes, and no recognition is given to the birthmother, the mother without her child.

What may be on our minds all day and the day before and the day after, may never even cross the minds of those on the outside, simply because they haven't been in our shoes and don't realize the impact of such a day. We can't blame them, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Personally, this is why Birthmother's Day, the day before Mother's Day, and the celebration dinner offered by our adoption counselors was/is a much-needed escape and comfort to me. I know there are conflicted feelings, I know it would be easier if we could just be recognized as mothers and join in with everyone else on normal Mother's Day, but for me this was the outlet I needed to get through Mother's Day as I navigated the tumultuous and unfamiliar waters of healing. As the years go on, many feel comfortable celebrating Mother's Day - and that's great, that's something I desperately wished I could have found the strength and courage to do many years ago.

Recognition, acknowledgement is what is important. Support is necessary. My heart hurts to imagine the pain of so many birthmothers who lived during the era of unwed mother's homes and silence surrounding adoption; mothers who had to return home, never to speak of what happened again. Every day would have been Mother's Day to them; uncomfortable, unnoticed, painful, confusing, gut-wrenching.

So, whether it's on Birthmother's Day, whether it's a celebration specifically for a group of birthmothers, or whether it's Mother's Day and with your family or significant other or close friends: find that recognition and support. Lean on those who care for you, whether it's people who have always been there for you, or a handful of new women that have been brought into your life because of their life-changing decision that you can relate to so well.

Birthmothers are mothers. We aren't parenting our children and we do stand apart from traditional mothers - it's okay to acknowledge that difference - but that doesn't mean we go back to who we used to be; that doesn't mean we're the same as those who have never had children. Pregnancy, delivery and the decision to give our children what we couldn't provide are things that will change us and will never leave us. In order to properly heal, it is just necessary that we, in our own time and on our own terms, open up about our experiences and feelings, hurts and progress, even if just to a handful of trusted people. It's important, especially in the beginning, to have someone else tell you that you belong, you're not alone, and what you did was important, what you experienced was big, and what you're going through is healthy, normal, and that you'll find your way out of the emotional chaos to the other side eventually.

So, don't be afraid to celebrate this Mother's Day in whatever way makes you comfortable, and brings your heart peace!

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Mother's Day or Birthmother's Day?

Mother’s Day is around the corner. This is a difficult day for a lot of us, but I think that the difficultly is for a host of different reasons.

Each year I reflect on how special Mother’s Day must be for Frogger’s mom, P. It is a special day for me knowing that P is a MOM and I was a part of that.

The hardest part of Mother’s Day for me is that friends and family are afraid to acknowledge Mother’s Day for me (even though I have Ladybug). I understand that they are afraid they are going to hurt my feelings or bring up painful memories. But, honestly, the part that hurts the most is the avoidance from others on that day.

When Frogger was still with me I had a friend that went out of his way to make sure that Frogger got something for me (I was a single mom, so there was no one else) on Mother’s Day. This friend would slide a card under the door. He would leave a bouquet of flowers on my doorstep with balloons. One year he even arranged for bagel delivery at 8am so I would have “breakfast in bed.” Ladybug was born in 2001, 3 years after placement, and 12 years ago. Yet, I rarely get a card. I don’t think I have ever gotten flowers, and I most certainly do not get breakfast in bed.

I am a mom. I am a mom to a beautiful little girl. I was a mom to a handsome little boy. I am a mother.

I am curious how other birth moms feel about Mother’s Day. Do you wish others would acknowledge you on that day? Do you wish that you could avoid that day?

I have mixed feelings about Birthmother’s Day, the Saturday before Mother’s Day. I feel as though in some ways it diminishes our role as mothers. We are ALL mothers, even if we do not parent our children. We may not be “mom”, but does that mean we are no longer a mother? Does that mean we are only entitled to the title of “Birth Mom”? On the other hand, maybe for some Mother’s Day is too painful.

I think that we need to speak out more. Stop being ashamed, or scared, or simply allowing ourselves to be diminished of the role we play in the adoption triad. Our children are real to us. Just as real as to the person who is parenting.

Perhaps, I am way off in my thinking. Perhaps, most believe, that as birth mothers, we should have a special day acknowledging the sacrifice, the hardship, the pain that comes along with our side of adoption.

What do you think, Mother's Day or Birthmother's Day?