Relationships After Placement

I don't know about you, but after I gave birth to Micah, all I wanted was someone to hold me in the middle of the night when I was shaking from crying so hard. Knowing that my son was never going to be laying next to me in my bed just made it that much harder feeling like I was all alone. I've been on a few dates since Micah, but nothing clicked like baby daddy and I did. Granted, we weren't dating, but it was the closest thing to it.

Bachelor number one: We'll just call him Mark. Mark and I went on a few dates over the summer of 2012. A mutual friend had set us up, so he knew I was headed off to college in the fall. He was a sweet guy, but dumb as a brick. I know what you're thinking, "Why is she being so harsh on the guy? He was probably just nervous!" I bet he was, but it didn't help his case when he walked to my door wearing a muscle shirt, offering me free tickets to the "gun show". And then he proceeded to tell me he was being scouted to play for the Baltimore ravens football team... while tripping over the sidewalk. Ladies, I wish I was making this up. Needless to say, things didn't work out. 

Bachelor number two: Let's call him Jason. Jason and I started hanging out at college in the fall of 2012. We had a ton of stuff in common, so I was really excited to go out with him! Our first date was pretty awkward, but aren't they all? We went to a pizza place and talked for hours. It was perfection. I was so happy to finally have someone I could talk to about Micah. He completely understood me. Now, I'm the kind of person that always has her guard up and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. But with Jason I didn't have to worry about anything. It felt like we were soulmates. We lived happily ever after, the end (I wish). It was right before winter break. I'd finished my final early, so I went over to his dorm room to surprise him and give him his Christmas present. We'd been dating for about 5 months, so I wanted to get him something special. I spent a months worth of paychecks to buy him a pair of Oakley sunglasses and tickets to an Eagles game. I walked in on him and another girl. To top it off, the girl was my roommate. 

I literally have THE worst luck with guys, and these are just two examples of the dates I've gone on and the douchebags I've met. How's your luck been since placement? Hopefully better than mine! Leave me a comment below and let me know!

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Holiday Disappointments

Every year around the holidays, it's hard for my family and I. There's always that space on the mantle where Micah's stocking should be, that last minute holiday party that Micah should be attending, or the Christmas morning joy that we should be experiencing together. This year is especially tough. After going through months and months of medical tests and doctors visits and scary diagnosis', part of me just wants him here even more. I hate the fact that I can only see him during Christmas at an agency party. I hate the fact that I can't watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. I hate the fact that he's not here. I just miss him so much.

Do any of you feel this way around the holidays?

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Swimming in a Pool With Sharks

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Like a great white shark grabbed onto my leg and won't let go. It feels like I'm suffocating. It's horrendous. I've been going through so much lately, I'm barely reaching the surface. It's a constant weight on my chest that won't go away. Is it guilt? Maybe. Is it stress? Possibly. Nothing helps. I'm self medicating with mantras and daily bull but the pain won't go away.

Do any of you feel this way?

Have a great weekend, ladies. 

Where Do I Fit In?

As you know, I placed Micah when I was 17. 17 is a big stage in your life. For mine, it was my senior year of high school so I was keeping tabs on the people I wanted to stay in touch with when I went away to college.

I was expecting to be there for 4 years, so I wasn't too concerned with who I'd hang out with if I was home. As luck would have it, I failed out my freshman year.  E-town here I come!  It was weird being home.... people I went to high school with were home for the summer, going to parties, hanging out at HersheyPark, going to the beach, just living life! I sooo wanted to enjoy and be with them, but no one wants to hang out with the mopey sad girl who "gave up" her baby. To them, Micah was pretty much dead. If they couldn't see him or hold him, they didn't care. 

Long story short, over that summer I found myself hanging out with more of my "teen mom" friends. But I didn't fit in. Ijourneyed back over to my "college" friends. But I didn't fit in. I wasn't away at college but I wasn't taking care of my child, either. 

It's still difficult for me to find groups of friends where I really do fit in. I still feel as if I'm not 100% sure where I stand..

Have any of you felt like an "outsider" to people you were, at one point, friends with, post adoption?

How does your Reality Match Up with TV's Reality?

As I sit here writing this, I have MTV's Teen Mom 3 playing in the background. I've noticed 3 key things about this trilogy:

1. The moms are never content.

2. If the girls are in a relationship, it's never a good one.

3. There are at least 30 solid minutes of arguing between all 4 of the mom's segments.

Even though these girls probably thought their decisions through, the main message they send across is that they wished they would've waited. Sometimes I wish I was going through what they're going through though. Sometimes I regret my decision.

As I've learned from TV and from personal friends, no matter what age you have children, it's never easy. But being a "teen mom" is probably the hardest time. I'm watching these girls go through all of this, basically, on their own. In most segments, the father is no where to be found. In my opinion, if I would've had Micah when I was better off financially and emotionally and with the man I loved, I could have made it work. 

What are your thoughts about this? 

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Daily Stress = Daily Triggers

My dad was admitted to the hospital earlier this month. He has COPD from smoking a pipe his entire life, so it's nothing new to me and my Mom. When he gets these "COPD exacerbations", he can't breathe. Thankfully, my brother just happened to be flying in the day my dad was in the ER. Long story short, dad's doing well and he's home (for now, at least).

I never realized how much stress impacted my feelings about Micah. That may sound obvious, but it'd never impacted me the way it did that week. I might have been feeling pressure to entertain my brother,  making sure my mom was doing okay, or just worrying if I was going to see my dad the next morning. But I was thinking a lot about Micah, too. I feel guilty about that. I shouldn't be worrying about my son, who doesn't even live with me. I should be worrying about my daddy. Finally, I told myself, "if you let the stress get to you, you'll be no help to your family who need you the most right now." I can't let myself, constantly, get involved with my fears and anxieties. S@!* happens. Sometimes you can't control it. But you can decide to enjoy the ride. 

No matter what your situation is, or what your stress and triggers are, keep pushing forward. Everything happens for a reason. I believe my reason was to come to terms with my true strength and confidence. You can do anything you set your mind to. Something that always helps calm me down when I start feeling sad about Micah, is to think of the original reasons why I decided to make my adoption plan.

Okay, just some food for thought for the upcoming weekend! Why did you decide to make your adoption plan? What are some of your triggers? 

Always remember, you are NOT alone!

Life After Placement

Right after I placed, it's almost as if my life was put on hold. I wallowed for quite a long time. I put myself in the "victim" role. I often told myself I wasn't good enough to be a mother, so that's why I placed. I cried for days on end during the summer after Micah was born. I constantly felt sorry for myself. I convinced myself that what I was going through was to be expected. And to an extent, it was. But feeling constantly depressed and angry isn't what placement should be like.

I started seeing a therapist in May of  2012 and attempted to get my life back on track. My therapist and I discussed my resentment towards my parent and towards myself. In that dark time in my life, I kept blaming myself. "If I would've been more prepared... If I would've settled down... If I'd known earlier... If I wasn't 17..." But then we came upon common ground. It was my "fault" I got pregnant, but it was my choice to give him a better life than I could have provided. In a way, I did sacrifice some of my teen years. I went from being a somewhat popular girl in high school, to not knowing where I fit in. I became separated from my friends in high school because no one truly knew what I'd been through. 

In my town there's literally nothing to do. We have a movie theater that's going bankrupt, a bowling alley that mainly just holds tournaments, a few diners, a coffee shop, Elizabethtown College, and the high school. Oh, and we're in the middle of Amish country. Most of the teenagers in my town either become drug addicts by the time they're 16, are obsessed with everything "country", or get pregnant by junior year. A lot of my friends are mothers or college students, so it gives me a catch 22. I don't really fit in with the teen moms, but I don't really fit in with the college kids either. Granted, I'm going to community college, but it's just not the same. I tried going to a 4 year school but I just wasn't ready.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever you decide to do, you have options. Placing your child for adoption gives the both of you a better opportunity in life. Don't let yourself succumb to the "What ifs". Just go for it. I had to learn that the hard way. 

What are your plans in life? Are you in school? What would you like your career to be?

Photo: (wo months after I placed Micah, I graduated from high school.

Birth Grandparents

Today I was asking my mom for ideas for some topics to write about. She suggested a focus on birth grandparents. There's really no outlet for birth grandparents to grieve. But how do you inject the Birth Grandparents into your adoption plan? My mom tries to go to as many visits as she can (my dad can't because of his COPD), but it's still hard for all of us.

I never knew how much my mom missed Micah until the last visit we had in August. The ironic thing about it is she was the one that put her foot down about adoption. (My dad's sick, and my mom works full time. It was just common sense for my family.) It was really surprising for me hearing my mom say how much she missed him and wished Micah could be with us. I was really upset about that statement. If she wanted her grandson so badly, why did she give me an ultimatum. (Either place the baby or get out). I couldn't help but feel all kinds of resentment towards her. But then I realized she's going through something very similar to what I'm going through. When I first placed, I was concerned about my own feelings. But I never realized my parents were hurting too. We've become much closer as a family since this all happened. 

How is your relationship with your parents since placement? Comment below! I'd love to hear some of your thoughts about this.

Also, if your parents are looking for support, there is a Birth Grandparents page on BirthMom Buds.

Until next week, beautiful birth mommas!

Photo: Mom, Steve, and Micah on his first birthday

Dealing With Post-Adoption Depression For Birth Mothers

So just out of curiosity one night, I googled "post-adoption depression". I mainly found sites and articles about adoptive parents. "Many adoptive parents are suffering from a common complaint called Post-Adoption Depression. It's a real condition that many in the adoption community are unaware exists." That's valid, but what about birthmothers who are experiencing post-adoption depression? It's no secret that every birth mother grieves the "loss" of their child. But there's really no information out there on post-adoption depression relating to birth mothers. 

I was honestly shocked when I saw that. Without birth mothers, there would be no adoption! Sure, there's sites and articles about postpartum depression, but in a sense, that applies to mothers who are actually raising their children. I tend to stay away from that term. In this quote from the Mayo Clinic, "Postpartum depression isn't a character flaw or a weakness. Sometimes it's simply a complication of giving birth. If you have postpartum depression, prompt treatment can help you manage your symptoms — and enjoy your baby." The main thing that sticks out to me from that quote is to "enjoy your baby." But the truth is, I can't really do that. None of us can. 

Birth Mom Buds is a fantastic resource for us, I just wish there were more "medically accepted" articles for birth mothers to explore the disorder. Depression is depression, and you can call it whatever type you want, I'm not trying to take away from that. I just wish there were more medical professionals who acknowledged the loss we've all went through. There's so many articles on postpartum depression and even post adoption depression. The month after I placed, my adoption counselor recommended a therapist who specialized in placement depression with birth mothers. I recommend this to all birth mothers I come in contact with. (By the way, if you google "post-placement depression", it's mainly geared towards adoptive parents, too!) 

So, as of today, I'm creating my own diagnosis for our grief. "Birth Mother Placement Grief  Disorder." Sounds professional, doesn't it?! If any of you wonderful ladies would like to share your experiences with "Birth Mother Placement Grief Disorder", please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear your stories/opinions. 

Until next week! 

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Deciding When Enough is REALLY Enough

On Saturday, August 31st, I had my 6th visit with my son, Micah. S and H met my mom and I at a local kid's amusement park around 10 AM. We've made it an annual thing now and it's never effected me the way it did for this visit. Actually, none of the visits have effected me the way this one did.

My son is now 17 months old and he's starting to develop his own personality. The first thing he did when he saw me was wave and smile. It was so sweet, but heart wrenching at the same time. As the day went on, I started getting back spasms (I've been having some medical problems, back spasms being one of the symptoms). I just brushed it off, hoping that I'd be able to continue with the visit. We were having a great time when all of a sudden, Micah started running around. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it hit me really hard. It was the first time I've really been able to see him move around. Finally, at 12 PM, I decided that it was too much, I couldn't emotionally handle it anymore, and I had to leave. 

This visit has been the first time that I've actually questioned my decision about his placement. The more S and H talked about his milestones, even just day to day stuff, the more I thought about my actual role in his life. It's frustrating, to say the least. 

Have any of you birth mothers ever felt this way? Have you ever had a visit end this way? I'd love to hear about your experiences and stories! Feel free to comment below. Always remember, you're not alone! 

Until next week!

Baby Daddy? Baby Daddy, Who?

TGIF, ladies! Hope you had a great week.

As I sit here, cuddling up with my cats, I often imagine I'm cuddling with Micah's bio dad. Even though everyone says "you're better off without him," I can't help but think how much different my life would be if he didn't turn out to be such a butthead. 

Now, I suppose I should give you a little background on bio dad. I met him in 2010 at a friend's house. As soon as he walked in, I was in lust. He was about 5'7, blonde hair, blue eyes, and muscles.. oh his muscles. He was my perfect guy. We hit it off right away. Even though I was 16 and he was 22, we pretty much became best friends right away. We had SO much in common! When I got home, I knew I had just met my soul mate. Buuuut, life doesn't make it that easy for us, does it? 

As the weeks went on, we grew closer and closer. I was almost positive he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. So one night I get a text from baby daddy asking me if I wanted to come over and watch movies. He told me he had a surprise for me. I was like, "uh heck yes!" But of course I played it off all cool. "Tonight? Umm.. Yeah, I guess I can make it." 

I showed up at his house at around 10pm. I knocked on the door and when he answered it and gave me a huge hug. "This is it.. He's going to ask me," I thought. I sat down on the couch and he wrapped his arms around me. "What's my surprise?" I asked. "I have the house to myself tonight. No one's home." "So we're going down this route..." I thought. He smelled sooo good, so I honestly didn't even care. Shallow, I know. But I was 16! 

Now, baby daddy already had a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. Long story short, the baby momma sent crazy so he has partial custody of him for 6 months out of the year. It just so happens that baby daddy's 5 year old baby was home and his crib was in baby daddy's room.. Awkward. It killed the mood for about 30 seconds but he smelled soooooooo goooooodddd!!! So off we went. The magical night ended with a smack on the butt and a polite push out the door. "Wow... That was special," I said, sarcastically. "What did you expect was going to happen? Actual movies?" Yeah, kind of.. :/ 

About a month later, baby daddy got a girlfriend and our friendship evaporated. I felt like someone had just died.. Oh yeah, it was my hopes and dreams. In October, baby daddy's girlfriend found out she was pregnant. Slightly devastated, I called him just to "check in". Us women know that means, "I miss you so much, but I can't let you know that I think about you all the time, so I'm going to pretend that I'm happy for you even though I want to scream my face off." He ignored my call and then proceeded to never call me again. When I found out I was pregnant in March, he completely lost it. I texted him a picture of all 5 of my positive  pregnancy tests and even the picture of the ultrasound. His response? "You obviously photoshopped all of that. I don't know why you're trying so hard to get me back." Now this time, I was completely devastated. 

Needless to say, baby daddy has not been involved with anything having to do with Micah, or me for that matter. Unless you  count signing adoption papers. It's been a horrible time in my life, but you just have to move on. As a 15 month old, I never would've thought Micah would be a middle child. But he is. Life happens. 

How is your relationship with your child's biological father?

How and Why I Chose to Proceed with an Open Adoption

When I first went to the adoption agency, we discussed a future contact agreement (FCA). You know, like if I wanted to see Micah, visit with him, pictures, emails, the works. At first, I was questioning it. Did I really want to see him with his new family? Would it bring up "healed" wounds? I had no clue. But what I did know is that I had tons of questions growing up about my own birth parents. Yep! I'm adopted! But that's a different story. 

The one thing I didn't want for Micah is any loose ends. Any questions he had, I or S&H would answer. So I decided to opt for an open adoption. He would know everything about me and some information about his birth father when he was ready. Only when he's ready. I don't want him to be overloaded with too much information at a time when he's not fully prepared. I mean, like it or not, adoption is a hard thing to process for anyone. I didn't want any answer or explanation coming across the wrong way. For example, "I wasn't ready for you" can easily come across to a five year old as "I didn't want you to ruin my future". It's a thin line for any adoptive family to maneuver around. But it can be especially detrimental to the birth mother's relationship with their biological child. 

It's hard to know how to "enforce" an open adoption and it's important to note that open adoption isn't legally enforceable in most states. By nature, I'm an extremely impatient person, so if S and A don't email me back within a few weeks, my mind  always gets the best of me. "Why aren't they emailing me back? Ugh, what is going on!!? How can they do this to me! I have a right to know what is going on with my child! Wait, what if something happened... Is everyone okay?! Oh my gosh, what if Micah is hurt!?" See what I mean? It's ridiculous. But my mom says that's the "mother" in me coming out. 

Mainly, I just wanted Micah to know who I am and why I did what I did. I've been dealing with abandonment issues my whole life, and the last thing I want is Micah to feel that way. I've dealt with depression my whole life, too. He should never have to feel like I felt at my lowest point. By having an open adoption, I'm hoping he won't have to feel the pain I felt from not knowing my own birth mother. 

How did you chose what kind of adoption you have? Leave a comment below! 

Until next time!

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Being a Birth Mom Does Not Define Who I Am

Hello BirthMom Buds blogging world. My name is Annie, and I'm new. (Makes me feel like I'm in kindergarten again.) I guess I'm supposed to tell you about myself now. 

Well, like I said, my name is Annie. I'm a birth mom. My son, Micah, is 15 months old and as big as a toddler. I found out I was pregnant when I was 17 years old. I also found out when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I was a senior in high school. "This is going to be the best year of my life!" I would tell myself that every day until the school year started. Little did I know, it would be the best, AND the worst. 

The year started off alright. I have never been a good student, but it was never a priority to me. I was in an English class that I never wanted to go to. My school had a program called "SOC" which stood for seniors open campus. I didn't get proficient on my PSSA standardize test the year before, so I wasn't granted SOC until spring semester of my senior year. But, pshh, like that could stop me from skipping. I would slip out with a group of friends after first period and either go out to breakfast with them or go home. My parents never really asked any questions about why I was home almost every morning at 9:30. My teacher started calling home around November and, well, you know the rest. I got In School Suspension (ISS) for the rest of the semester. My mom assumed that I was going through a crisis. But little did we both know, it was mainly just my hormones. I wasn't getting morning sickness or any of the normal signs of pregnancy. Wasn't getting my period, either, but I was on the Depo shot. Finally the semester ended and the question of pregnancy was brought up by my mother, of all people. I had brought up my weight with her and, jokingly, she told me to take a test. I took one the next day and what do you know! It was positive. (Insert sobbing intermixed with profanity here). Anyway, on March 16, 2012 it was official, via blood test. "Here we go!" I thought. "I can handle 9 months of this." But it wasn't gonna be 9 months... It was gonna be 3 weeks. 

Keegan Michael was born at 5:11 am (AM - I'm not a morning person at all), April 6, 2012. He was, unfortunately, an emergency c-section baby. Everything was fine though, don't you worry! He was born peeing. (That's what I was told, the doc had to put me under due to lack of anesthetic). He was the most perfect-est baby you'd ever seen, but all moms say that about their babies. I had 3 days with my son. 3 of the shortest days of my life. Then on April 9, 2012, S and H came to pick up their new son. 

Before I had Micah, I kinda just labeled everything as chance. Ya know, luck? Like that $5 bill you found in your jeans. Or the front row parking spot you find on Black Friday. Even the call you got from your boss telling you not to come in to work today. All of these things I used to just call chance. I never believed in all of that "everything happens for a reason." I figured out after I had Micah, that he was meant to be on this earth, and he was meant to have me as his mother. Now I'm more of a "everything happens for a reason" kinda girl. I guess everything is perspective, so you just gotta give life a second glance every now and again. 

I really hope y'all enjoyed reading this.. It's not every day a girl gets to blog about what she's passionate about to other women who are passionate about the same thing! Well, until next Friday, mothers.