Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Rainbow Babies


Over the past week I came across a new term, when scrolling through Facebook. I saw a post about “rainbow babies” that sparked my curiosity. As I read the article I learned this is something people reference when dealing with miscarriage or infant loss. People who have a baby following such a loss refer to this second child as their rainbow baby. The idea is that rainbows are beautiful gifts that follow a storm, in many ways like being given the blessing of a child after the terrible loss of another. While I would never want to take anything away from this kind of loss, because I cannot even imagine the heartache, I believe this positive idea of “rainbow babies” fits perfectly with my own story. Adoption is a completely different kind of loss, but a very real and deep loss none the less. I think for many birth mothers this is a fear as they carry on with their lives and may later find themselves at a place in life where they are able to provide everything a child needs and they are given another gift.

For me, my second pregnancy was one that brought about more emotions than I ever dreamed possible. I was afraid I couldn’t love the baby I carried as much as my son, because I was not going through the same adoption journey the second time around. I worried it would cause more sadness to have one baby with me, while my son was not there to share in our family. However, when my daughter, Ava, was born everything became perfectly clear; somewhat like the calm after the storm. She was by no means a replacement for my son, but rather a special gift I was given after a loss. She was my rainbow baby. She offered a piece of my son through their connection, and physical resemblance. However, she was entirely her own person. Any fears of confusion or inability to love both children was immediately quieted. She was my angel. She came to me and allowed me the chance to be the mother I dreamed I could have been for my son. It did not replace that which I missed with Aidan, and would always be missing, but it filled a different void in my heart. I feel that because of the loss and heartache I felt at not being able to parent Aidan, I was able to fully understand the gift I was being given. I was even more grateful because I knew the pain it was to sacrifice for your child.

When you know great loss, I believe you are able to love even more fully. Knowing what I had given up for my son, allowed me to be an extraordinary mother to my “rainbow baby”, Ava, as it has to all my girls. As I prepare for the birth of our newest daughter in next weeks, I am reminded of this gift I am being given. I would give anything to have the chance to have those moments with my son and be his one and only mother, everyday, all the time. Knowing what I gave up reminds me of the blessings I have with me in my girls, my very own rainbow babies. 

Monday, September 28, 2015

Music Monday: Collide by Howie Day

"I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
And even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
I somehow find you and I collide"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Quote of the Week: Value Your Time

"Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it."

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Music Monday: Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

""Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Quote of the Week: Keep Trying

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Be Who You Are

As a birth mother I have found there are many people who just do not understand all that goes along with this title. Some people may disagree with my choices, others may just not care. I believe there are people who just do not care. These people may think we made a decision to make our lives easier, and to them I say: “You have no idea!” I never know for sure the reaction I will get when I drop this big “bombshell” on people that I have met. I have a son who was placed for adoption when I was in high school. This is a part of my life and a part of who I am. If you don’t like it, disagree, or don’t care, then there is not a place for you in my life. This week I have chosen a quote that can be my motto at times:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
– Dr. Seuss

I know at times this can be difficult, especially if the people who do not understand are people that are close to us. I have been blessed by an amazing support group around me, who give me all their love and support. However, for me, I believe if this was not the case I would feel just the same. My life is too short, and my choices are too important to the person I am. If someone does not understand these important choices I have made for my son’s life, they cannot understand me. I agree, part of this “stubbornness” comes from my personality, along with years of growing and a strength that has developed because of my adoption story. I believe that all birth mothers deserve to be honored for their decision, and anyone who does anything less doesn’t deserve our fragile hearts or any of our emotions. There are people out there who will understand and love us for that part of our lives and what it has helped shape us into today. I know that I am proud to be a birth mom. I know I would not be the same person today. So  be strong, be open and honest, and you will see those people who are there for you!

Monday, September 14, 2015

Music Monday: Smile by Lonestar

"I'm gonna smile 'cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me, I'm gonna smile"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Quote of the Week: Strength

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

The Birth of a Baby

My son, Aidan and I after 32 hours
of labor. 
Since my son's birth and the creation of an adoption plan, my life has continued to grow. I have two beautiful little girls and I am expecting another one in the next few weeks. While it is so joyful to experience the birth of more children and the growth of my family, I can't help but feel moments of great sadness as I await the arrival of a new baby. 

This pregnancy has brought back so many memories of the moments that lead up to my sons birth. With all my pregnancies I have had health complications, but this one has felt the most like that of my son. My health has become a real concern and I have spent time in the hospital. As I have sat in the hospital waiting for tests results and praying I could go home and keep this baby growing inside a little longer, my mind quickly drifts back to six years ago and the month I spent in that same hospital feeling those same things. Despite the differences I can only see the similarities and feel it all over again. I often find myself with irrational fears of my daughters birth. They come in hazy feelings like a memory that is happening all over again. I worry I will not be allowed to be her mother, I worry about feeling those same things I felt when my son was born and my heart was taken away from me. 

I am excited to be having another baby and for the most part my rational thinking is able to prevail, but at times I feel as though I am 17 again, scared and about to face one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. So as I await the birth of my newest precious baby, I pray for strength to face the hospital and the familiar feelings that come with having a baby. I know that this time it is different, yet as a birth mother a part of me will stay in those moments. It is all part of the journey. 



Monday, September 7, 2015

Music Monday: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift

"And all my walls stood tall painted blue
But I'll take 'em down, take 'em down and open up the door for you
And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies the beautiful kind
Making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like
I just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now"

If you have any suggestions for songs to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Quote of the Week: Presence

“Your presence is your power.”

If you have any suggestions for quotes to use, feel free to email me or post a comment!