Leaving

      Leaving the hospital.......   It's the moment that everyone fears, for good reason. In some cases, months (or days, or perhaps only hours) of counseling and thinking have tried to prepare you for the event, but in reality, no amount of preparation can make you ready for such an occasion. Some birthmothers savor the hospital experience, waiting as long as possible for the end of it, whereas others feel that leaving the hospital expediently is what will work best for them. There is no right answer, and no wrong answer.

I am a pretty open book about my adoption experience. I will tell everyone pretty much anything that they want to know about how I chose adoption, why I decided to have an open adoption, and what our adoption looks like. I however, usually stay pretty quiet in regards to the moment that I left the hospital. They're my moments; they're tragic, painful, and devastatingly traumatic. I feel like they are moments that need to be discussed though, so here I am.

   
I left the hospital exactly 24 hours after giving birth. I had the option to stay for an additional day, as my baby wasn't able to be discharged for 48 hours, but felt that 24 hours was enough for me. Honestly, I worried that if I put off leaving longer than I had to, then I wouldn't leave alone. I had prepared for the moment, I knew that it would be difficult, but I was not prepared for the crushing magnitude of sadness that befell me at that time. I knew that it had to be done, but every corner of my mind was screaming at me about how I was abandoning my baby (even though I clearly wasn't).

I've read about some birth and adoptive families having loving ceremonies where the birthmom “presents” the baby to their new family. I envy the strength of these women. I remember placing my baby into the arms of her Mom, unable to make eye contact, I was so inconsolable that I couldn't even mutter a word. I handed my baby to her, and quickly exited the room. I walked purposefully down the hall, and left. It wasn't beautiful. It wasn't this amazing, heart warming experience that I'm sure the people around me had been praying for. It was ugly. It hurt. In the midst of my grief, I played that   moment over in my head countless time.

   
Looking back, I wish that it would have been different, but I see that it couldn't have been. I wish that I could have had this amazing, wonderful ceremony where our families came together and we bonded over this wonderful person that we would all love. I wish I would have been able to tell my daughter's Mom how grateful I am that she was willing to give my child everything that I couldn't give to her, and I wish that I would have been able to express how much I appreciate the amazing pregnancy counselor who guided me through my journey, but I just could not. And I've come to realize that that's OK.

What was it like leaving the hospital, or what are you fears about your hospital experience if you are currently pregnant? Did your hospital experience go as planned, or did it change once your baby was born?     

My Hospital Experience

Those three days I spent in the hospital after Noah was born via c section were painful and very confusing, especially for someone who was overwhelmed with so much emotion it was hard to feel each one completely.  I was happy, sad, scared, and shocked, but how was I supposed to feel each emotion?  I was in a state of numbness, honestly.

My sweet boy was placed in the NICU because there was a little bit of water in his lungs, he was breathing too fast.  That was so scary, because I was unable to leave my room to see him there since I had just come out of surgery.  I just wanted to spend more time with him, but it was about him, not me.  He needed to be there to get better.

The day after Noah was born, family and friends came to see Noah and fell in love.  He had to have been the most beautiful baby in the hospital (biased, of course).  I had a million pictures of Noah the night he was born but none after.  This is a hard thing to accept and my biggest regret.  I wish I had spent more time with him in the hospital.  It would have been easier if he was born naturally but because I had surgery and he was 3 floors up from me in the special care unit, it took a team of nurses for us to get to each other.

I went up to see him on my 2nd day, because that was the day I was able to leave the surgical floor.  My mom and sister were with me....he looked different.  I have felt this way every time I have seen him since, why can't time stop?  Why can't he stay the way he was when I first laid eyes on him?  I guess that's how life works.  When I saw him, I was so overwhelmed.  How could I love someone so much?  It seemed impossible.   I went to see him again the 3rd day, this time alone.  I knew that this was going to be our last visit alone together for a while.

When I walked over to him lying in his bed, his eyes opened.  I will cherish that moment forever because that was the first time I saw his brown eyes wide open staring at me, it was like he knew me.  He did know me.  I was the mother who carried him for nine months.  He heard me cry.  He heard me laugh.  He heard me tell stories to him.  He knew who I was.



After that visit, the next time I went to the special care unit was to place him in his parents arms in the Entrustment Ceremony we had planned.  We wanted this moment to be special.  A beautiful prayer and poem were said by a counselor we had known.  I only remember how beautiful it was because I had looked over it before it was said.  While this woman was reading it, my face was against Noah's sobbing.  I knew Noah deserved a family and they were the most amazing people.  I placed him in their arms then actually calmed down.  I talked with the A parents for 20 minutes like we were old friends then left.

I am so glad that I left Noah's room feeling like that instead of crying.  I knew how happy Noah was going to be, and that gave me so much peace.

Lots of Love,

Erin

My Labor Experience

I gave birth to Noah on November 23, 2014 at 11:10 p.m. 

I was 23 so I was not too young, but I hadn't fully accepted the fact that I pregnant.  Although I was 23, I was still sheltered growing up so I never thought something like this would happen to me unless I was ready.  Let me back that up with saying that having Noah is the best thing I have ever done, but I wish I was under different circumstances when I had him.

My mom was in critical condition in the hospital for 2 months while I was pregnant, then was in the hospital for another 2 months learning how to walk again, so my mind was elsewhere and I didn't have much time to really soak in the idea that I was going to be having a baby boy in just a couple months.

Because Noah was such a chub, we ended up scheduling for me to be induced at 40 weeks with pitocin.  I asked my dad not to be in the room because I didn't want him to see me in labor.  My dad was so supportive throughout my pregnancy and the decision of adoption, but I knew that I had disappointed him getting pregnant before being married.  I love my dad but I didn't want him to see the vulnerability of me going through the process of pushing my baby out.  Honestly, I even had my mom leave the room when I began having contractions because I just wanted to be alone.  At this point, I wasn't sad, mad, or anything really.  I was numb because I did not take the time to truly bond with my sweet boy while I was pregnant.  I had mapped out a perfect plan previous to him being born so that I would not be on the same floor as him because I knew it would be too difficult.  I went all routes to ensure I would not feel pain (what did I know?).

I spent all day on the 23rd watching Netflix and sneaking in some goldfish.  I couldn't help it! How did they expect a hormonal pregnant woman to not eat for THAT long?! Haha.  Around me being 4 cm dilated, I gave it up and got the epidural.  By the way...best invention ever.  Not long after, they measured me and I was dilated 6 inches.  Things were going well!  Unfortunately, I didn't dilate much after 5 hours so my OBGYN recommended a C section.  While this was all going in, the A parents were on their way in from out of town (going through a tornado on the way...stressful much?).  They actually got into the hospital 10 minutes before I was rolled into the surgery room.  I know they were so scared and nervous!  I had told my mom going in that her job was the photographer and not to worry about me.  I wanted to make sure that the adoptive parents had a ton of photos to look at and felt like they were there.  I would have allowed the A mom into the delivery room if they allowed two, but unfortunately most hospitals only allow one..and I needed my mom.

So I won't give you all the details of the C section besides me having a minor anxiety attack before Noah was born.  I was just so scared and nervous with all these doctors hovering over me and just wanted to make sure Noah was going to be okay.  So at 11:10, Noah was born!! He didn't cry immediately...10 hours later (20 seconds) he finally cried! Sweetest sound I had ever heard.  My mom brought him over but I told her I didn't want to see him yet because I was drifting in and out (I think the sedation had me going in and out of consciousness).  I wanted to remember that precious moment forever.  Five long minutes later, my mom brought him over and we looked at each other for the first time.  He was stretching those lungs but when my mom brought him over and he touched my chest, he stopped crying completely and smiled.  Never have I felt love like that!!  He is and forever will be the light of my life.

Lots of Love,

Erin
   **Next week comes part 2: The Hospital Experience (After Labor)**

My Hospital Experience

When I was pregnant and going through my adoption plan the one thing that scared me the most was the hospital stay. First of all, I had never given birth before and I had no idea what to expect. I obviously knew it was going to be extremely painful but no matter how many videos you watch, classes you attend or personal stories you hear, you will never be prepared. I was also terrified, as most of you are, of what happens after the birth.

 

I had decided to let the adoptive parents in the room while I gave birth. This was an important moment for me, but I felt like it was also important for them. They had lost two babies at 21 weeks and so I knew that their experiences with birth were filled with trauma and so I wanted them to have this amazing birth experience with me. I know that this is not possible for every birth mother and I understand that some women want the moment to be private and I totally get it. I just loved the feeling of having everyone in the room who loved her and were going to love her forever, while she came into the world. 

 I had to be induced and for any woman who has been induced you will understand my pain. I had preeclampsia and my doctor said there was no way around the induction. The pain was extremely intense and and I convinced myself that I wasn’t progressing all night. Until about 1 am when I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and felt like I had to push, but I just thought it was a bowel movement. I pushed and nothing happened and eventually that urge to push went away, so I went back into bed. The nurse came in and checked on me and all of a sudden I felt the oh so familiar urge to push, and when I told the nurse that I had to go try and make a bowel movement because I needed to push I remember her look of panic. It all went pretty quick after that and when she checked me I was at 9 ½ centimeters. They had checked me a two or three hours before and I was still only at a 4. It came quick and at 2:09 am my little girl came into the world.

It was a close one and my best friend and I still joke that she could have been a toilet baby, which honestly would have been the most terrifying thing I could imagine at that point. I can’t believe I ddidn'trecognize that urge to push from all of those videos I had seen. And of course after all the pain what they tell you is true, it was all worth it. I would go through it again and again just to bring that little girl in the world. And quite honestly once you see your baby, you would have died if it meant bringing that little baby into this world.

I got to spend the next two days with her in the hospital. If you feel as though you want to and are able to  I highly recommend caring for your child in the hospital. I had decided toward the end of my second trimester that I wanted to take care of her in the hospital but before then I wasn't sure because I was scared I would change my mind. I didn't think about the fact that if you want to change your mind you can. As a mother you have every right to change your mind and make the choice you believe is best for your child. Never let anyone talk you into signing the papers and don’t let anyone change your decision. This has to be up to you.

I decided to take care of her in the hospital because I wanted that time with her.  I knew I wasn't going to change my mind and so I wanted every minute with her that I could. The adoptive parents were there with me and the birth father for the first several hours.  They bought me jack in the box because it was 2 in the morning and I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. I was scared that when they held her I would feel jealousy and hate them for being there. You never know how you are going to feel.

When I saw the adoptive parents holding her, I felt so much love for all of them. They looked like a family that was finally complete. You could just see how much they already loved her, and it made my decision more clear. After two days I signed the paper work to release her into their custody and we were able to all walk out together. We got into our separate cars and I cried the whole way home. I was so lucky to have the birth father with me and my best friend. When I got home my family was there to make sure I was okay. That night I slept like I have never slept before.

If at all possible with your adoption plan I recommend setting up some kind of immediate post placement contact with the parents, if you feel you are able to handle it. I requested at the hospital that they message me when they arrived home and 2 days later after they took her to her first checkup, being able to have that peace of mind that she was okay, healthy and safe at home was a big relief.

 The hospital stay can seem extremely intimidating at first and it is one of the hardest things you will ever go through, but it is also beautiful. There were some of the best days of my life. I got to welcome my little girl into the world and let her know just how much i love her. The pictures i took during this time are something i treasure and look at often. You have options and choices and you have the right to decide what ever you want to when you are in the hospital. Don't let anyone coerce you into doing anything you don't want to. This is your time to make what ever decision you want.

How do you guys feel about your hospital exp[experience? Did it go smoothly or was it a little bumpy? Who was in the room? What would you recommend to girls about to go through this experience?