Thinking of You!

We want to take just a minute to wish you and yours a happy, safe, and peaceful Christmas season!  

As birthmoms, we are all aware of how tough this time of year can be so please remember to be kind to yourselves and realize it's okay to reach out for support! If you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach out to us at 1-855-4mybbud.

You are in our thoughts and prayers, today and always. 

Christmas Time Is Here

Hello!  It's been a while since I've posted and I hope all of you are doing well.  Christmas is upon us once again, and I'm sure many of you are like me and face the holiday season with a whole mix of feelings.

There is always the joy of seeing family and celebrating the holiday.  That usually involves good people, good food, good conversation, and an exchange of (hopefully) thoughtful presents.  I wish that I could be celebrating the holiday with my son as well as the rest of my family.  But I am also secure in the knowledge that he is having a good time with his family.  And that thought does make me happy.

Then there is the love that we hopefully all have when we come together during the holidays.  Of course, with family coming together there are always the questions: how is your life going?  What are your plans?  While my extended family is often not involved in our Christmas celebrations (due to living in two different states) we do see a number of friends.  Often those friends know about my son, and they will ask, I smile and tell them that he's doing well.  I then pull out my cell phone to show them the most recent picture I have of him.  I tell them that he's doing well.  He's in school, although it's been a challenge for him.  And his parents are managing it all quite well.  Better than I would have anyway.

And also there is the peace that comes with this time of year.  Every Christmas I try to come to a peace within myself regarding what I've done, where I've been, where I'm going, and what I must do.  It doesn't always work, but most times it does.  This year, I plan to make a pilgrimage out to the monastery near where my parents live.  It's always a very quiet and meditative place to go for me.  And I have always liked the fact that the chapel is always open with a sign inviting everyone to come in for a quiet moment.  Everyone is welcome, no matter where you have been or what your story is.

For me this season is not without sadness.  I miss my son.  I miss many people.  And I often have Christmas wishes that I know will never come true.  But it doesn't really matter that they won't.  I love my son.  I love those who have passed.  And somehow or another I feel they are always with me at Christmas and throughout the year.

I hope this finds all of you well.  I hope you enjoy the holiday season how ever you celebrate it.  I hope that you are surrounded by people who love and care about you this year, no matter who they are.  And I will be posting again soon.

Music Monday: I Miss You Most at Christmas Time by Mariah Carey

"I gaze out the window 

This cold winter's night 

At all of the twinkling lights 

Alone in the darkness 

Remembering when you were mine 

Everybody's smiling 

The whole world is rejoicing 

And everyone's embracing 

Except for you and I."

Christmas Shopping

It's that time of year again.  Time to trim the trees, eat some good food, see your family, and exchange presents.  As the time to arrange my Christmas visit with my son approaches, I ask myself the awkward question, what does my son want for Christmas?  I say awkward because, well, shouldn't I know what my son wants for Christmas?  I have lucked out a bit with J.  Trucks and Legos.  He cannot get enough.  Granted, I think this is true of most boys.  I felt bad at one point that I'd gotten him one of something that he already had.  But his parents and other parents who were there assured me, "There can never be enough Legos, doesn't matter if they're the same thing."

This year, I'm going to try to find a Lego set, maybe even something musical for him since he seems to be interested in music.  He's four years old, so it will have to be something that is durable.  A drum might drive his parents crazy.  But I'll see what else I can find.

This year I also hope to give his parents Christmas presents.  Nothing really large or fancy.  Just something to show my appreciation not only for the immaculate care of my son and the fact that they continue to prove that I was right in choosing them as my son's parents, but also for their continued openness and willingness to include me and my parents in my son's life.  It's a gift that I cannot even begin to pay them back for.  I am grateful every single day for the care and love they lavish on J.  And I know this Christmas, while it has been a rough one for their family, will be a happy one.  They are family.  And family always comes together in the rough times and does their best to make the best of it.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday season, whichever way you choose to celebrate it.  I hope for peace and harmony this December as the year comes to a close.  And I hope you all get to spend time with those you love and who love you.

Adoption's Impact

Most of you know by now that my adoption was closed a million years ago. And at Christmas and other holiday times, I feel an emptiness or like something is missing rather than sadness. Since we have never shared any holidays together, I don't have those kinds of memories. You might say that my loss is rather undefined. A strange place to be.

This year for the first time I am acknowledging another rather undefined loss: the birth of my grandson. Now he's actually 4 this year, so it's not a brand new thing. But for some reason this is the year it is really hitting me. My birthdaughter Katie did not invite me into her pregnancy or delivery. I didn't actually find out about Little Man until he was about a year old. At that time I was juggling two babies of my own. Maybe that is the reason for the delayed response.

But this year I am experiencing the profundity of it. The enormity of the impact one decision made in secret can have. For me the decision to carry my unplanned pregnancy seemed huge at the time, and it was. In spite of my mother's wishes, I decided to remain pregnant with no plan.

The decision not to parent was the next big decision, although the obvious right choice for me and my girl.

But now... seeing a bigger part of the picture is overwhelming at times. Realizing that even though I made a mess of things, the Lord has redeemed it and used it for good. Seeing for the first time that my decision stretches far beyond myself and my child and her adoptive family. Seeing that my decision will impact generations.

Only God has the perspective and can see the full impact one life can have. He alone sees all the generations not in existence because of one abortion. And he alone sees all the generations in existence because of one adoption.

Be encouraged this Christmas. No matter your circumstances, you have given a great gift to this world. God sees you and knows your pain and your sacrifice. Trust him to get you through.

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Happy Holidays!

From all the staff here at BirthMom Buds, we want to wish you and yours a happy, safe Christmas season!  We are all aware of how tough this time can be, so please remember to be kind to yourselves and realize it's okay to reach out for support!

If you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach us at 1-855-4mybbud.

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NOT the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

While many of us are singing carols, dancing around our houses and putting up trees and decorations, it's safe to say that many others of us are struggling with this time of year.

Last Sunday my pastor preached a sermon about how God brought peace into the world in the midst of chaos. If you remember the story in Matthew 2, you'll remember that in the midst wonder and celebration of the birth of Jesus, one man in particular was not celebrating. His name was Herod. And not only was he not happy, but the news that the Christ had been born filled him with murderous rage.

Instead of traveling to see the man that would be king, he ordered every male child under the age of 2 murdered. Killed. Destroyed. He was that afraid that the baby Jesus would grow up and displace him as ruler. Talk about insecure!

Think for a moment about all those moms who lost babies in that rampage. Can you imagine the weeping and wailing that ensued? What a terrible time for the Israelites!

And yet, God had a plan. In the midst of that suffering, Jesus' parents were able to escape to Egypt and keep him safe. And he was able to grow up, die on a cross and come back to life in order to save us from our wrongs.

There is Peace in the chaos. There is Purpose in the hurting. Hang in there. Talk to someone. Reach out to those who have been there and are there and understand. You are not alone in this season or in any season.

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Comfort & Joy

I just can't help myself. The month of December starts, and suddenly I have streaming Christmas carols in my head all the time! So I guess that's what I'll be writing about this month.

God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen was written in the 16th century. It uses funny words and phrases we don't use anymore. Here's the first verse just in case you've forgotten:

God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay;

Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day;

To save us all from Satan's power when we had gone astray;

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;

O tidings of comfort and joy.

And even though I tried my best to find the history of this carol, all I found was that the first line actually means "God keep you, pleasant gentlemen." What I was really going after was the last lines, the tidings of comfort and joy. What did the author mean by that? What did that mean in his day? And what does it mean for us?

My life is not always comfortable. I struggle with my attitude, my emotions and at times, my faith. While I am thankful for my material comforts, a warm home isn't enough to touch my soul down deep when I am troubled. Only God can give me peace and comfort and joy.

This time of year, this carol really speaks to me. I often sing my children to sleep with it during the holiday season. It reminds me that comfort and joy are possible even if I'm not feeling them currently. I pray comfort and joy for you this season.

Happy Christmastime, friends.

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Christmas Distraction

A Note from Coley: Because I am human, I goofed up and didn't get this posted last week! Enjoy it a week late!

Along with most of you, I am trying to finish up my Christmas shopping. Honestly, my husband is the absolute hardest person to buy for. Part of the problem could be that I'm distracted this year more than others.

My firstborn (birth) daughter's firstborn just turned 2.

And it's distracting me. I'm not sure why.

Could it be because her oldest and my youngest are not too many months apart?

Could it be that while I love looking at pictures of him, I have yet to hold him? That I may never hold him?

Could it be that though the miles separate us, modern transportation can take us anywhere we want to go, or need to go, or are invited to go with minimal preparation and cost?

All good questions. And I'm sure there are answers. Somewhere. Maybe even in my own heart. But honestly, I'm trying to prepare my home and my family and myself for Christmas, and if I allow this stuff to come to the surface, it may overtake me.

So for now, happy birthday little one. Maybe someday we will meet.




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Merry Helping Christmas

In the news recently, one of our local professional athletes took his own life and the life of his girlfriend leaving their 3 month old daughter an orphan. Who does that? And why?

That event really burst my Christmas bubble in some ways, but I think it's been for the best that my bubble was burst a little bit. I love this time of year and look forward to the rituals with my children. But since that event was so public and happened in our city, it was an instant reminder that not everyone loves this time of year. Many, many people are hurting.

I would know. I've been one of them. Along with you, holidays have not always been fun since placing my daughter for adoption. Lucky for me enough time has passed that I have good memories of Christmases after her to look to.

So this Christmas, I have been more purposeful in looking around me for others who are hurting, others whom we can encourage and help. My daughter puts money in the Salvation Army kettle every single time we see one, no matter how many errands we run in a day. We are supporting our local food bank this season and have found a family at church who could use a little extra help.

It's been great for my children to think about something besides the gifts under the tree. And for me, it's helped remind me that when I'm hurting, the best thing I can do is help someone else.

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It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

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Oh, but is it? I hear that song at least once per day from Thanksgiving all the way to Christmas. The song talks about going to Christmas parties, toasting marshmallows, and singing carols out in the snow. For some of us, it can be hard to sing that Christmas song with much conviction. The holidays bring into sharp focus the part of our family that we’re missing. Even if we have relationships with our children and their parents, maybe even celebrating with them, it’s not the same.

My daughter just turned three in November. She asks about the Christmas tree, loves the presents and loves singing Christmas songs. I’ve always loved Christmas. My mom worked hard every year to keep traditions alive and to really bring joy to our Christmases despite the lack of money. Though I hold tight to any commonalities Mack shares with me all year, this time of year causes me to want to hold tighter to those same traits and to hope she loves Christmas as much as I did.

We birth moms feel loss all year round. Even if we have other children (either before and/or after a placed child), no child can replace the hole left by the child we’ve lost. Yes. It is a loss, even if we freely chose that loss. I lost my daughter to adoption despite the fact that I was not coerced at all. No one made the choice but me to relinquish my daughter, and I accept that. But it’s still a loss. I used the example on my own blog of someone who makes the choice to either have a pet put to sleep or is forced by their circumstances to give that pet to other people. That person is still allowed to love and miss that animal despite the fact that they are the ones that made that choice.

More than any other, this season focuses on family and friends and spending time with those we love. It’s focused on children and the joy in their hearts when they get presents and see all the pretty decorations everywhere. Of course as adults we know this season is child-focused. Advertisements and community leaders like pastors encourage us to appreciate the season like little children. So can we help it if our thoughts focus even more on the children we’re not raising? I think not.

I also think that Christmas traditions become even more important after becoming a birth mom. It’s important to not only continue to enjoy Christmas for ourselves but to have something to share with our kids, even if we only share them in our hearts. For instance, I make an ornament every year for Mack to hang on our tree. It hasn’t been very fancy – just a clear ball with fake foliage and a picture of Mack from that year inside. This year, with clearance first from her mom, I’m going to be making one to send to her as well. Of course not everyone has a relationship with their child and his or her adoptive parents like I have. I realize that I and my daughter are fortunate that her parents honor my role in her life. I know I’ve talked about the importance of having Christmas traditions that you keep every year for the child (or children) you’ve placed and I will say it again. As hard as it can be sometimes to include your child in some sort of holiday tradition especially if they’re not participating in it with you, it is so important. Write a letter or note. Make an ornament. Have a special candle you light every day during this time of year just for them.

If we honor the children we placed and really work to keep the Christmas traditions we enjoyed before our children were born and relinquished, I really think it can again be that “most wonderful time of the year.”

Blue Holiday

This used to be the time of year, every year, that I would start sinking into despair. It wasn't fast, mind you. It was more like quicksand. After Thanksgiving, I would cross over that magical line of time from where there was no return. And throughout December, January, and February I would get lower and things would get darker. It happened every year, whether I meant for it to or not.

Getting to my birthdaughter's birthday in March was actually a relief. It meant that my life could go on. I could start smiling again. The dark days were behind me. Well, until the next time.

Grief is so like that. It has a mind of its own. I didn't plan to start sinking into depression after Thanksgiving. I didn't write it on my calendar so I wouldn't forget. In fact as the years went on, I didn't always recognize it at first. I would be just moving forward and then something would break or go wrong and I would just LOSE IT. And then, in my broken state, I would ask 'what is going on with me?' Then I would look at the calendar and it would dawn on me that it was early in the year and I was already dreading The Birthday.

So what's different now? I can't really say. I guess the years have given way to a busy family and I don't always have time to stop and look at the calendar. This has been a different sort of year for me as my birthdaughter's own family is growing. While reflective, I'm not sad. Not like I used to be. Time has helped. God has covered those places in my heart that are tender and he protects them for me.

I promise you that life will go on. You won't always grieve and be sad at holiday time or any other time. For me, the grieving time got shorter and shorter. I guess I'm still touchy around The Birthday. But now that I'm sleep-deprived most of the time, that day seems about like any other day.

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Merry Christmas!

We know that Christmas is a hard day for many of you but we hope you are able to find some moments of peace today. 

A Birthmother's Christmas

This is one of my favorite poems written by fellow birthmom and friend, Shonna K. 

She eloquently expresses the fact that Christmas is a hard time for birthmothers and that Christmas just isn't the same once you become a birthmother.........

A Birthmother's Christmas
by Shonna K. 

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfish deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that photo book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Holiday Heartache

The holidays bring up sadness and heartache for me as they do other birthmothers when they should bring happiness and joy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy but there is something missing, something that my heart yearns for. It yearns for seeing my son, to see him open his gifts on Christmas, to see him get so excited over being with family, and eating ham and sugar cookies.

During these times I tend to pull away, I tend to be non-communicative. I just want to be able to hold him, to tell him Merry Christmas, to tell him how amazing he is and that the miracle he is will never go unnoticed, even from Santa. But at this time of the year I know that isn't possible. I hope in the future that I will be able to see him and be with him on Christmas. I know that I shouldn't complain because I got to see him on his 1st birthday, and be there to celebrate with him, but I just can't shake the feeling that I want more. And that's hard to ask for since he lives 2,000 miles away.

I know that he is going to be surrounded by his amazing family, friends, and parents that I could ever ask for, but I always think to myself..."does he wish I was there?, does he think of me? does he know I'm missing?" And I know that is something I shouldn't be thinking of because well, he's 18 months old, but I always wonder if him as a child of adoption that he knows something is missing.

I feel like something is missing, I know something is missing and I feel it every single day and unfortunately this time of the year just exacerbates those feelings. I guess it's even more apparent when my sister-in-law is due to have her baby this month and my baby fever will just get worse. Seeing my family and friends having their babies during Christmas makes me wish that I could have him around just to know that I am with him. And I know that I have two other children at home that I am so very grateful for, but unfortunately this time of year makes my heart ache worse then ever.

And my heart seems to be aching so much more, now that he's getting older. In 6 months he will be 2 and I will no longer be considered a "new birth mom" I will just be well...I will just BE.

Why is it that there is never a day of rest? Or a day where I don't wish to kiss him? to hold him? to snuggle him? or to see his face? I see him in my children, because he is a part of me, and sometimes that makes it worse.

How do the holidays make you feel? How do you cope?

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The Importance of Ornaments

Image credit: personalizedornamentsworld.com

The tree is a Christmas icon.  If you celebrate Christmas, you most likely set up a tree.  What do we put on those trees?  Why, lights and ornaments, of course.  We all have our preferences for ornaments.  Some of us like to have a particular theme, say all balls of one color with tinsel to match, or a couple of different colors.  Maybe you collect a certain type of ornament.  You could collect all Star Trek ornaments, birds, nutcrackers, angels, or snowmen, to name a few.

I personally have a lot of different ornaments on my tree.  I love Mickey Mouse, so now that Nick and I are combining our ornaments on our tree, I like to add at least one Mickey Mouse ornament each year.  I also add an ornament to the tree for each year Nick and I have been together.  This year it was a Mickey Mouse picture frame ornament, though I’d already selected a Hallmark Mickey Mouse ornament as well.  Two Mickey Mouse ornaments are always better than one!

Since my daughter was born, it’s also become very important to me to put an ornament on the tree each year for her.  If I were raising my daughter, I’d either allow her to choose an ornament for herself every year or I’d select one for her if she was too young to select one herself.  I also strongly believe that putting an ornament on the tree for her every year is a way of not only honoring her, but honoring the choice I made to place her.

Some people might argue that placing an ornament on the tree for my daughter every year when I’d do it anyway is rather like allowing a fantasy to continue where I’m raising her myself.  Fantasies and what-ifs are a valid grieving mechanism to relieve ourselves from the pain, even temporarily.  Other people might say that putting an ornament on their trees for children that they’re not raising only serves as a reminder of what they’re missing every year.  Both are reasonable arguments, and I agree with both.

This holiday season has been particularly rough for me – more than it was last year.  I have no idea why, there’s no logical reason.  But it is what it is.  I’ve made ornaments previously for my daughter (Christmases 1 & 2), but this year’s ornament is still not finished.  All I have to do is put the printed picture in the ornament ball, put some “foliage” in with it and I’m done, but I cannot bring myself to complete it.  My AWESOME secret sister made ornaments for not only me & Nick, but our daughter too.  When I opened the box and saw those, I started crying.  Maybe I subconsciously knew that finishing the ornament for my daughter would cause me to cry and I’ve been avoiding that aspect.

Since Christmas is next Sunday, my goal is to have the ornament that I’m making for my daughter completed by the time this post is published.  I’ve already cried over an ornament for my daughter, so hopefully I won’t cry again.  It is okay to cry, I know, but it hurts too, and I’ve been trying to concentrate on the joy of the season instead of the grief.  I know that completing the ornament and putting it on the tree will be healing for me too, even if it causes me to cry again.

I leave you with a challenge: start a tradition of buying or making an ornament every year for your placed child.  I think you’ll find that even though it can be painful, it can be healing too.

A Christmas Poem

by Linda J Schiltt

It's Christmas time, the gifts are wrapped,
And piled beneath the tree,
Yet every year there's an absence,
That is only felt by me.

I prepare the table for the feast
And bow my head in prayer,
I try best to hide my grief,
For the child that is not there.

We raise our glasses for a toast,
To family and to friends,
But all that I am wishing for,
Is to hold you once again.

So amidst the Christmas joy,
Is an emptiness I bear,
An ever present heartache
For the child that is not there

And when I see children laugh
With that twinkle in their eyes,
I cannot help but wonder
If you think of me sometimes

And when the day comes to an end,
No grief can quite compare,
To another Christmas yearning
For the child that is not there.

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Holiday Traditions

( as shared in the Founder's Corner Section of the December 2008 BirthMom Buds Bulletin)

Traditions are an important part of any holiday but it can be hard as a birthmother because your child will be participating in his/her adoptive family’s traditions and those may not be the same traditions that you have grown a custom to. But you can create some special traditions as a birthmother.
Coley’s Ornament Tradition
One tradition I’ve created for Charlie is to give him a special ornament each year at Christmas. I originally didn't plan on it becoming a tradition but it has turned out that way. 

When searching for something to give Charlie his first Christmas, I came across a really neat Precious Moments Christmas “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament that had a spot to write his name, birth date, weight, and length. I purchased the ornament and thought what a neat keepsake item it would be for him to have one day in the future.

The next Christmas it only seemed natural to give him another ornament, thus it has become a yearly tradition. I plan to continue this ornament tradition for years to come and when he is all grown up and leaves home, he will have years worth of ornaments to put on his own Christmas tree.
Lani’s Verse Tradition
I have always loved family traditions and thought it would be great to still have a part of that in my birth child’s life.  Since the time she was born I started a  neat tradition that I do periodically when I send her gifts. I have a special Bible verse (James 1:17, Every good and perfect gift comes from God.) that is kind of like my thoughts about her.

Over the years I have given her different things that have that special verse on it such as a blanket with the verse embroidered on it, a stuffed bunny with the verse embroidered on it, etc..  One day I hope that she will see the link in all these things and know that time, thought, and love was put into it.  

We both encourage each of you to find some sort of tradition that you can do over the years for your child. Even if you are in a closed adoption you could still do something and just save it for the day when you are reunited.

Gift Ideas: Photo Gifts

In continuing with my gift ideas series, I have another gift idea for you: gifts that incorporate photos. 


First, let's talk about the photos themselves, then we'll talk about what to do with them.....


You are probably wondering what photo you should use. For those of you in open adoptions with visits, you could use a photo of you and your child at a visit. Or you could use a photo of your child that you took yourself. Or if photos of you and your child aren't an option, then you could use a photo of a neat area near you, a tourist area near you, yourself doing something cool or interesting, or simply a snapshot of yourself holding a sign saying "Hi ______." Those are just a few ideas of photos off the top of my head but you can get creative and have fun with it. 


Now, what to do with those ordinary photos to turn them into a special gift?? So many things! 


Photo puzzles - Photo puzzles are a fun idea. Send it all broken up and then the child will have to put it together to see the photo. You could also send some puzzle glue so they could glue it together once completed. 
Recordable picture frames - With a recordable picture frame you can display a favorite photo and record a short message for your child. 
Photo books - Nowadays, there are so many different companies where you can make photo books. You could make a book of pictures from visits that year if you have enough, you could make a scrapbook of your life, you could make an ABC photo book for a younger child; the options are endless! 
Photo mousepads - For an older child who is using a computer, a photo mousepad would be an unique gift idea using a photo. 
Photo playing cards - This would be a great gift idea for an older child to give them a set of playing cards displaying a neat photo. 


So tell me, what you have done interesting with a photo??