BMB Reform Blog: What's Coercion to You?

I've been doing these reform blogs for awhile now.  For the most part, it's been interviews with different people.  I've thrown in some commentary on a couple topics I find important, and I still have some ideas floating around in this brain of mine.  But I also want this section to be about YOUR (the readers) ideas.  I wan't to know what's floating around in your brains!

There are so many topics out there on the subject of coercion in adoption.  From things such as the
language we use, to the money spent, to the outright force that has been and sometimes is still used.  In my personal opinion I think all of us should be knowledgeable on these issues.  We can't enact change without knowing what's out there, right?

So let me ask you all this.  What things in adoption do you find coercive?  What do you feel needs to be changed?  What happened in your own journey that doesn't sit well with you?  Please, let me know!  I am always looking for new, fresh ideas to reach the public!

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: "Birthmother Homes"

I recently came across a post in Facebook about an agency that is opening a new "Birthmother Home."  For those that don't know, birthmother homes are places expectant mothers considering adoption go to as a "safe place" to house them during their pregnancy, and to have their babies.

The first problem I have with this is their inaccurate use of the term "birthmother."  Now, I personally don't call myself a birthmother anyways, but I understand that some use the term.  However, with that said, I think calling an expectant mother a birthmother prior to relinquishment of her child is highly coercive.  To call someone something before they become that puts added pressure on them to "follow through" and not change their mind.  And their choice should be free of that pressure.  In the instances of these homes, that is exactly what they're doing.  In the commercial I had seen for this particular home, they even had the pregnant women referring to themselves as birthmothers.

The other problem I have is the coercive nature of these homes themselves.  They make no reference to helping pregnant women make parenting plans if they happen to change their minds, it's strictly adoption.  What do they do with these women if they start to question adoption?   I would think that moving into a home that is strictly for adoption would put a lot of pressure on a pregnant woman.  I know, for me, it would make me feel like I have to follow through.  That I am obligated to relinquish my child, and no other avenue is available to me.

What are your thoughts on "birthmother homes"?

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Birthmother's Day or Mother's Day

When I first ventured into the Facebook support groups a few years back, I heard of something I had never heard of in all my years as a natural mom:  Birthmother's Day.  I've heard different origin stories of how this day came to be, and to be honest I have no idea which one is accurate.  But I have noticed that this day often brings up a debate.

For those of you who don't know, Birthmother's Day is a day some of us mark the Saturday before Mother's Day.  So this year it would be May 9th.  The debate usually centers around one very valid
question:  Does Birthmother's Day segregate us as not being "real" mothers?

I have a very personal view of Birthmother's vs. Mother's Day.  With my daughters birthday being so close to it, for me, regardless of any other issues I have it's all just too much.  Not to mention my story isn't one of happiness and acceptance.  So I always say I don't need a day to recognize or celebrate the trauma I have been through.  Also, I tend to agree with the fact that I feel like it segregates me.  I would much rather be recognized on Mother's Day for the mother that I am.   I don't judge anyone who does choose to celebrate this day, but for me and my beliefs, it just doesn't fit.

How do you feel about Birthmother's Day in relation to Mother's Day?

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet Ellen!

Howdy folks!  This weeks BMB Reform Blog interviewee is a birthmom named Ellen.  Let's hear what she has to say!

1.  Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story.

Hello my name is Ellen.  In August 2012 my gorgeous son was taken into care.  I was in a bad place and had failed to protect him or myself from harm.  That doesn't mean I didn't love him though.  I fought the proceedings all the way through placement hearing but the decision was taken out of my hands and my son was placed for adoption.  In July 2013 he was placed with his new parents, and in June 2014 the adoption order was granted with my blessing.  After much thought and heart break I had accepted that it was best for my son.  I went to the court hearing prepared to be strong but as I uttered the words I was backing them, tears were rolling down my cheeks and I could barely speak.  I left the court that day with my head held high, but by the time I reached the tube station I was in floods of tears and couldn't stop.  I cried my whole journey home.  I composed myself at my front door as I didn't want my flatmates to see.  I laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep.  I woke and tried to be strong.  Two hours later my flatmate found me still crying and just held me and for that I will be eternally grateful.


2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  This can be within your own journey or adoption as a whole.

I would like contact to be more open.  I feel in situations like mine, face to face contact should be essential.  More support for birth parents.


3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

It means changes to the law which one day will mean I see my son again.  He was and remains my everything.  He is all my reasons.

Thanks so much for letting us interview you Ellen!

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet Amy!

Hello again readers!  This week we have another interview with a birthmother by the name of Amy!  Let's see what she has to say about adoption reform as it pertains to her life!


1.  Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story.  

I placed in an open adoption in 2007.   I went through an agency to find the adoptive family and they claimed to be prepared for an open adoption and willing to use the agency as a resource for any questions that came up.  I was extremely prepared for what an open adoption was going to bring, but it seems after placement, they were not as prepared or willing to receive counseling/help for issues that came about.  The agreement was to have at least 2 visits a year, plus being a part of special occasions in each others lives (IE Baptism, First Communion, etc.)  We were also to have contact at least one time per month through mail, email, or phone calls.

I placed my child with this family because they claimed their faith was an intricate part of their lives and they wanted to raise their children with that faith.  I am religious and this was a VERY important aspect for me and that the children would grow up in a 2 parent, traditional household…something I could not give my child at the time he was born.

In 2010, my child’s parents separated and from what has been shown to me, the separation and divorce was very nasty.  Nothing has been explicitly explained to me as to what happened with the marriage.  Instead of telling me in person or over the phone, I received an email from my child’s adoptive father letting me know they separated.  My child’s adoptive mother does not have any contact with me.  I have not spoken to her, nor seen her since 2010 due to her choice.  The parents have split custody of the children and my visits take place when the children are with their father. Their mother still has influence in regards to my visits and contact, even though she wants nothing to do with me.

It wasn't until last year that my child was told who I was, and his sister informed him, not his parents. This was a question that I posed to his father a couple of times since the divorce as to the importance of my child knowing who I was, hence the reason for an open adoption.  I was informed they didn't know how they were going to do it since his sister is adopted as well and her adoption is closed. They didn't want her to be affected by her birthparents not being a part of her life.  I was also informed that my child would eventually figure it out since he was smart.


My visits don’t take place as they should be either.  The coordination of the visits have been left up to me only, and sometimes my inquiries for dates/times that are good for the adoptive father are not answered.  There is not a bit of initiation on their part for scheduling visits.  Some of my visits have also been cancelled and rescheduled instead of the visits being a priority.

2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  This can be within your own journey or adoption as a whole.

I wish my whole entire adoption experience could be changed and I believe it has influenced my reasons for desiring adoption reform.  

• I believe the adoptive parents and the birth parents should be required to go through extensive counseling before and after placement, especially with an open adoption.  Both parties need to have a complete and thorough understanding of what open adoption means and I believe the social workers that are assigned to each party need to make sure this knowledge base is formed and maintained.  If you do not have a complete and thorough understanding of what open adoption is required to have (full and complete honesty, commitment to mutual agreements, etc) than you should not be allowed to move forward with an open adoption.
• I believe there should be contractual agreements signed before and after placement in between the birth and adoptive parents to keep both parties protected.  EVERYTHING needs to be laid out as to what is expected before placement, during the hospital stay, and after placement.  Legal accountability for your actions should be required, and I believe this should be done with the child’s best interest at heart.  If there is a dispute in regards to how things are going, mediation done by the placement agency should be required.  I’m not sure quite yet what the legal ramifications should be if the agreement is not upheld, but I believe something has to be done in this regard.
• The placement agency needs to play a very active role in all aspects of the adoption triad until the child turns 18.  At least 1 visit per year with each party should take place.  Many things occur in life and things change.  It would be the equivalent to a yearly physical check up with the doctor.  An adoption is a living and breathing entity that should be taken care of, and if there is the possibility for sickness, it should be preventative medicine, not reactive medicine.
• The child needs to be raised with the full understanding that they are adopted and their birth story.  They should NEVER be told about their birth story/parents through anyone other than their parents.  The identifying information that is explained is based upon the type of adoption that is agreed upon.  If the child is in an open adoption, they need to be raised with the understanding of their birth parents and what role they play in their life.  This should be second nature to them and it should not be a surprise later on in life.

3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

Adoption reform in one word for me means “FREEDOM.”  I used to believe so much in the importance of open adoption and that was the only adoption route to go…after my experience, my opinion has changed.  I now believe that if you are not ready for the responsibility that comes with open adoption, then you should only have a closed or semi-open.  I came extremely close to cutting off physical contact with my child and his family because of how screwed up everything was and it didn't seem like anything was going to change.   This was extremely bad for me emotionally and spiritually, and I did not want these negative feelings to be reflected onto my child. I did not have the opportunity to play an active role in my child’s life for the first nine years with the understanding that I was his birth mother.  My adoption was basically a closed adoption with physical visits.  I felt trapped because I was not his parent and I could not have input into how he was being raised and I could not share how his parent’s actions were affecting me.  There was a lot of fear for a very long time.  I was afraid that if I shared my disappointments, they would “punish” me by taking away contact.  No one should live in that fear.  

The most important thing to me is to make sure that the adoptive parents and the birth parents keep the child’s best interest at heart.  For many of us, the reason why we placed was to give our child a life we could not provide for them.  This is not anything to be played with…adoption is not a game…it should never be hostile, negative, selfish etc.  It should be loving, positive and selfless for the sake of the child.  

Thank you so much Amy!

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet Jane!

Greetings again readers!  This week we have an interview with Jane.  She has been an nmom for 15 years now, and has been outspoken about adoption reform and family preservation for quite some time!  Let's see what she has to say!

1.  Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story. 

My name is Jane.  15 years ago, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter.  Amid a lot of coercion, I was forced to give her up.  I had been threatened with lawsuits if I didn't give her up, as well as constantly told how her life with me would be horrible and her life with her AP's would be so much better.  It was all a lie, as I would be and am a wonderful mother.  I was told it would be a semi open adoption, but that quickly turned to closed.


2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  This can be within your own journey or adoption as a whole.

Tons.  Ideally, I would like to see the focus switch to foster children.  Children that NEED homes.
 Often times adoption is about finding babies for wanting families, when it should be about finding homes for needy children.  Take the money out of it.  Get rid of pre-birth matching as it makes us feel more obligated to give people our children, instead of allowing us to think without that added stress. I would love to see an organization start up to be matched with expectant moms and show them the ropes of how to make it with your child.  How to manage your money, parenting tips, etc.  Let's give these women tools to show them they CAN parent.  Show them both sides of the equation and let them make a decision with open knowledge.  Make open adoption agreements legally binding everywhere.  Stop pressuring women to make a decision right then and there in the hospital.  There is so much.  So so much.


3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

Adoption reform means working together towards a common goal to get coercion out of adoption.  I think it's important because women today are STILL getting coerced, lied to, manipulated and that needs to stop.



Thanks so much Jane!


If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet Kelly!

Hello again readers!  This week we have an interview with Kelly, a birth mom and close friend of mine!  Let's see what she has to say!

1.  Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story. 

My name is Kelly and I am mother to KeyShon aka (also renamed as) Jaxon.  He is 13 years old.  I placed in a semi-open adoption which turned to pretty much closed without reason.

2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  This can be within your own journey or adoption as a whole.

I think age of consent needs to change or have some kind of barrier.  By that I mean a 3rd party who doesn't benefit either way to give the WHOLE truth on adoption (what it really means for each and every woman).  I think for women under 18-21 it should  be mandatory!  Also, there should be a standard time across ALL states when a parent can sign away rights, not 50 different laws for each state!  And MOST importantly a contact signed by either an agency or the aparents should become automatically legally binding just like a photographer for a wedding.  There should be recourse.  Records of ANY adopted person should be unsealed at 18 regardless if both request or not!  Obviously I could go on and on ...

3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

It is important, not just to us the birthparents, families, and adoptees, but also to the world.  This is a problem that needs to be recognized as one and addressed accordingly!

4.  This is your space to write any additional comments, link to your blog, etc.  Anything you would like to share!

I miss my son more than I could EVER express.  What happened in my journey and so many others IS and WAS wrong! What I would give just to have him in my life...


Thank you so much for your insight, Kelly!

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet Robyn!

Hello again readers!  This weeks Reform Blog Interviewee is Robyn, an adoptive mom with a lot to say! We thought it would be interesting to interview an adoptive Mom and see if what she feel needs to be changed in adoption is similar or different to what some of the birthmoms interviewed in the past had to say.  So let's jump right into it shall we?

1.  Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story.  

 Hi!  Thank you for allowing me to participate.

I'm Robyn, and I'm a mom through adoption.  I always wanted to adopt, instead of having bio kids,

and it's a good thing, as I ended up with a medical condition that requires me to take meds that are incompatible with pregnancy.  We adopted our son, Jackson, in 2006 and our daughter, Cassie, in 2011.  They were both private domestic infant adoptions.  We have open adoptions.  My children are mixed race (black and white), and my husband and I are white.

2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  This can be within your own journey or adoption as a whole.

The biggest thing I would like to see changed is to have national adoption laws, instead of this state-by-state, county-by-county nonsense.  I believe we could create a much more ethical environment.  Adoption agencies wouldn't be able to fly expectant moms to a state with more "favorable" laws for adoptive parents, or to a state where biological fathers have no rights.  All states would be the same.

For the most part, I'd like to see facilitators banned.  You're either a licensed agency or an adoption attorney.  I'd like to see more agencies be full service, for all parties.  I'd like to see counseling required for all parties.  I'd like the focus to be on ensuring that if a mother wants to parent, and has the mental capacity to parent, then the agency should be helping her find resources before finding a match.  If there simply aren't resources, or the expectant mom doesn't want to or truly can't parent, that's where matching comes in.  Matching happens at the expectant mom's (and expectant dad's) pace, not the agency's or PAPs'.

I'd do away with closed adoptions entirely.  I would encourage, though probably not mandate, open adoption agreements.  When it comes to placing, I'd ensure that bio fathers have at least some rights.  I do believe that expectant moms should have slightly more, about 60%/40%, just because women take on more of the risks.  I don't want to see men lose their kids, but I also don't want to see men trap women by refusing to give away "their blood" when they have no intention of stepping up as parents.

I think it should be stressed that the time between birth and when TPR can be signed is a MINIMUM.  I'd make the minimum TPR time 3 days after birth, but stress that a new mom (and dad) can take as much time as needed to make that decision, and ensure that agencies had resources in place for that to happen.  After TPR, I believe there should be a 1-2 week revocation period, to allow the new parents to ensure that their decision was the proper one.  This revocation period could not be waived, unless social services is involved.  That is, social services was going to take the child (for whatever reason) but the new parents decided to place privately instead.

Oh, and fees would be regulated and capped.

3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

Adoption reform means that adoption is more ethical for everyone involved.  That adoption becomes less of an industry and more of a service.  It's important because children's lives are at stake.  I'm really not sure that any state actually takes the children into consideration when making their laws.  I think it's all about the adults, and that's not OK.  Sure, the adults have to be protected, but so do the kids.

4.  This is your space to write any additional comments, link to your blog, etc.  Anything you would like to share!

I do have blog, here.

I actually wrote a series on what I would do if I could make all the adoption laws, here.



Thank you Robyn!


If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet Jessika!

Hello Readers!  I'm back with another reform blog interview!  This time with a good friend of mine, Jessika.  Let's hear what she has to say about adoption reform.


1. Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story.  (If you wish to remain anonymous, that is fine just let me know that here too)

My name is Jessika.  I got pregnant at 16, and quickly found myself single, with very few supporters of my motherhood.  Under the pressure of family, and the desire to do what I was led to be the right thing, I relinquished my baby girl to what I thought was a semi-open adoption.  Now, 6 years later, I've found out that I've been lied to about fertility issues, and communication with my daughters new family has come to minimum.

2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?

I would first and foremost like to see the secrecy removed from adoption.  No more lies, no more false birth certificates or false labels.  Sure, there are times when it is necessary to legally recognize somebody other than the biological parents as a child's caretakers, but there is never a reason to erase identities and change histories.  No more "as if born to," because if you can truly love a child from another mother, you shouldn't need to pretend that that mother is you.  Secondly, and almost equally
important, is to remove the money from adoption.  Too many young women fall prey to adoption agencies with a penny to make, and parents who have "invested" in procuring a child for themselves. Money can often taint what starts out with the purest of intentions.  What starts out as wanting nothing more than to provide a home for a child can quickly become material when acquiring said child costs tens of thousands of dollars.


3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

I feel like this question is almost the same as the previous.  So to put it shortly- true adoption reform would mean that no able and willing parents ever lose their child to adoption.  It means that relinquishment will always be a fully informed decision, made only after the child has been born, and every effort to remove barriers to parenting has been made.  It means that we as a society come together to support family unity - even when it means that a pregnant woman may need assistance from friends, family, or the general public.  It means that instead of removing a child from a dark, home with little or no food, every effort is made to provide the family with light and a meal.  It means that adoption happens only as a last resort, and never in secrecy.


Thanks Jessika!!


If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Gift Cards for Mothers?

Recently I came across a Facebook post that was quite alarming.  An agency had a "promo" going where if you referred an expectant mother to them and she placed through them you would get a $500 gift card once the adoption was finalized.  Needless to say, I was pretty outraged as were a lot of other women I know.

I am a firm believer that when women are coerced into adoption, even by the most subtle means, she really doesn't have a choice.  And this promotion?  It screams coercion.  First of all, we're treating an expectant mother and her baby as a commodity.  I can trade in movies on Amazon for a gift card.  I can enter contests for gift cards.  I should never be using a woman going through an unplanned pregnancy for monetary gain.  And how will she feel if she wants to change her mind, but is obligated to "keep her promises" due to her "friends" involvement and compensation?

Also, anyone who is interested in adoption reform knows that one of our biggest issues is money. They say that adoption is not about buying a baby, but many things in adoption say otherwise unfortunately.  The rising costs, the payment for medical care when that should be provided by the government, etc.  And given that a LOT of us relinquish due to financial issues, it makes my blood boil that others are getting a $500 gift card to throw women into this.

So what are your thoughts on this?  Do you find this practice unethical?

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If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

BMB Reform Blog: The Reunion Roller Coaster

For those of you who don't know me, I reunited with my newly teen-aged daughter this past year.  It was both amazing and traumatic, happy and sad.  It opened my eyes to a lot of those what ifs, and boy did it give me some answers I didn't want, and wasn't prepared to hear.  Don't get me wrong, reuniting with my beautiful girl was priceless and I am so happy we're forming the open bond now that we should have had from birth.  But one of the things they don't put in those brochures are the
emotional pitfalls a lot of us will encounter.  And, for some of us, those reunions don't turn out happy. Sometimes our kids don't want to know us.  Or sometimes, sadly, we find them too late.  I remember hearing people tell me "It's alright, you will see her again" and I wonder how many of us were also told that, and how many of us had that promise broken either by people themselves or by unfortunate circumstances.

Another thing I would like to point out, something I'm very vocal about, is the term "better life" and how I think it's grossly unfair to use this in terms of adoption.  And, no, I am not saying that our children don't have good lives.  But the point is, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  One thing I became acutely aware of during my reunion was that my daughter has a different life, not a better one.  When agencies or adoption pro's tell expectant mothers this, it's almost like saying 'you would give them an awful life.'   And if there's one thing I know, it's that unless you are a true, honest to God psychic, you have no way of knowing the validity of that statement.  And often, as was in my case, we come to realize we could have been amazing parents to our children.  Or that the parents who raised our children, often don't live up to those 'better standards'  No, I am not saying all AP's are bad, not in the slightest.  I'm simply saying we don't know and to put that thought in our head that they are better, we are worse when you're pregnant is coercive.  And it slaps you in the face upon reunion if you realize that that better life is just plain...different.

Another thing they don't tell you is the roller coaster of emotions you might feel upon reunion.  Boy, I was not prepared for those.  All of a sudden your precious baby is now a full blown adult (or in my case young lady).  They can now vocalize their thoughts, their emotions.  Which is a wonderful thing, but sometimes not always what we are ready or wanting to hear.  I don't want to get too personal in this blog, but I will say that not everything I saw and heard was wonderful.  Things I wanted for her, experiences I didn't want her to have - she has had.  And that was a big dose of reality that sent me spiraling for a bit.  The anger I felt at the system, at myself, at God was overwhelming.  Almost as bad as the initial months after relinquishment.

I want to end this by saying I am over the moon that I have my daughter back in my life.  And she is as well.  At the end of the day, I know that whatever obstacles arise we can work through them together.  The amount of love she has for me both surprised and overwhelmed me.  For that, I am blessed.



If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Meet L!

Hello again everyone!  I'm back with another reform blog.  This time I have another interview with another great friend of mine, L.  She has been a first mom for about as long as I have, and she is an
AMAZING woman and support system for me!

Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story. 

L, first mom to a beautiful 10 year old who didn't think of adoption until she listened to her ex – boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) that he would only do an open adoption.

Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  

“Open” adoption that actually is open and not have 50 different terms as there are states

What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?

It means actually having some say in my life and not have it be governed by others


Thanks so much L!  


If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: K's Thoughts

Hello again everyone!  I'm back with another reform blog.  This time I have another interview with a very good friend of mine, who wishes to go by "K".  She is a wonderful, smart woman who has been
through a lot and has a very valuable story and voice in adoption reform.  Here we go!

Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story.  
I placed my daughter at birth in 2012 in what was supposed to be an open adoption, and after a lot of family and agency coercion. The adoptive parents decided just three months into the adoption that they didn't want it to be open, and I have not seen my daughter since she was eight days old.

Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed? 
Yes! There are so many misconceptions about adoption, and about every member of the triad. There are many inaccurate stereotypes about birthmothers.  For many mothers, they were heavily coerced when pregnant, or outright lied to in order to convince them to place their child.

What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important? 
Adoption reform is so important, because every woman facing an unexpected pregnancy deserves to know her rights and her options. So many people assume birthmothers are either selfless saints for doing something so hard, or are awful people who didn't love their children, and neither stereotype is completely accurate. It is important for agencies to change their ways, and for adoption to go back to what is was supposed to be about, which is finding homes for children who need them. It should have never become what it is today in a lot of situations, which is finding newborns for couples who want them, and convincing the original mother she doesn't deserve her baby. It is immoral and unethical, and I wish people would understand that many of us did NOT have a choice in placing. There are some “good” adoption stories, but even with those, there is still a grieving birthmother missing her child. I really wish people would just understand about agencies’ tactics to get women to place;
about the lies many birthmothers are told while pregnant; about our loss being a very real thing that we have every right to grieve over; and the fact that our children do not automatically have a better life as adoptees, just a different one.

This is your space to write any additional comments, link to your blog, etc.  Anything you would like to share!
 Here is a link to my blog here.

My three most recent posts talk about the stereotypes about adoption and birthmothers, and some misconceptions the public has about adoption.

Thank you so much, K, for your insight!



If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: Melanie's Thoughts

Hello again everyone!  I'm back with another reform blog.  This time I have another interview, with none other that BirthMom Buds own, Melanie Mosberg.  For those of you who don't know Melanie, she is the retreat coordinator and was BMB's Buddy of the year in 2010! 

Thank you, Melanie, for answering our questions and giving us your take!

Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story. 

Melanie Mosberg – Open Adoption 2004

Became broken after a short period of time as the family choose to change visits frequency and contact.

Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?  Legalize open adoption contracts

What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important? 

What adoption reform means to me – changing the way things have been done historically so that they are adapted to the current state of adoption.  It is very important because the adoption world is forever changing and at times policies, procedures and laws have lacked in keeping up with the times.

Thank you, Melanie, for answering our questions and giving us your take!!

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

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BMB Reform Blog: An Expectant Mother's Rights

Howdy folks!  It's me again, with another BirthMom Buds reform blog.

When I started this blog, I received an email from a momma I've known for awhile now bringing up a couple pretty valid points in terms of reform:  An expectant mother's right to change her mind, and the timeline of signing the TPR (terminating parental rights.) 

To quote:  "One of the things I have seen on many of the sites is slamming an expectant mom for changing their minds. I keep seeing nasty remarks about girls having to sign away their rights before the baby is born. NOT.  But, I believe instead a woman should have the right to change their minds for up to 6 months after signing, I believe a girl should not be able to sign for 6 months after the birth giving them ample time to decide that it is the right decision for them."

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I also agree that a woman should have ample time to make this life altering decision, without coercion or outside influence.  So many factors come into play when signing early, like post partum depression, drugs during labor and delivery, and the emotional state of a woman when she's given birth.  In any other legally binding contract, all of these things would nullify said contract, but not in adoption.  I think a woman needs time to make this decision without those factors influencing her state of mind.  It also makes her easily persuaded and I would like to think that people would want her making a decision like this when she's of sound mind.  

And I cannot tell you how much I agree with not slamming a woman for changing her mind.   Speaking legally here (because I believe a woman is a mother for life), when we give birth we are mothers until that TPR is signed.  We have the RIGHT to choose which course we take.  Pregnancy and considering adoption are two very confusing things to a woman faced with an unplanned, but very much wanted pregnancy.  I think a lot of people could use some lessons in patience and compassion during this time, and respect should be given whether she chooses adoption, or chooses to parent.  Judgement just adds to the coercion.

So, readers.   What are your thoughts on this?  Remember to keep it respectful please!

If you have any comments or suggestions for a reform blog, or if you would like to be interviewed please feel free to comment below or send me an email!

BMB Reform Blog: Coley's Thoughts

Our Beautiful Coley

　　　　Hello again readers!  I am sorry it has taken me a bit to put my second blog up.  It has been one crazy hectic month over here!

　　　　For this blog, I thought I would start with a question and answer session with none other than one half of the founders of BMB...Coley!  We all know and love her, so I thought it would be a great idea to get inside her head a bit and see why adoption reform is important to her!  

Enjoy!

1.  Please tell us your name and a brief intro to your story.
Well, I’m Coley and if you’re reading this blog, you probably know who I am! In one sentence, I placed my son in an open adoption directly following his birth twelve years ago. Since then, I co-founded BirthMom Buds with Leilani and I have been active in the adoption community writing, speaking, and educating others about the bittersweet turmoil an expectant mother considering adoption and birthmothers face. If you’d like to read my adoption story in its entirety, you can do so here.

2.  Are there any aspects of adoption you would like to see changed?
There are so many issues in adoption that need to be changed that I could write multiple pages on them but the one that I think doesn't get enough air time so to speak is singing relinquishment papers in the hospital. I think signing papers in the hospital while recovering from childbirth needs to be outlawed. Signing papers to terminate your parental rights is a HUGE decision one that deserves to be treated with somber importance. Divorce papers or even papers to buy a house are signed in offices or court rooms and in my opinion treated with more importance than signing relinquishment papers cross legged in your pajamas sipping a soda on a hospital bed. At the very least they could be signed in an office or conference room in the hospital.

A couple of other issues I find important are separate (from the adoptive parents) legal representation for placing mothers, open adoption contracts, more uniform adoption laws from state to state (to eliminate state shopping), access to birth certificates for adoptees, and better rights for biological fathers.

3.  What does adoption reform mean to you and why do you think it's important?
Adoption reform means working together as a community of birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees, adoption professionals, and anyone with a heart or passion for adoption coming together with a common goal to improve adoption for all involved.

Also, I think it’s important to keep in mind that just because one is passionate about adoption reform doesn't necessarily mean they had a bad adoption experience or they are angry. While my adoption experience has been mostly positive, through this vast community of birthmothers I have learned that positive experiences are not always the norm. There is much work to do, my friends.

Much thanks to Coley for participating in this!  Wonderful answers!!

If you or anyone you know would like to be interviewed for this section, or if you have an important reform topic you would like discussed, please feel free to email me!  I look forward to hearing from you!

Reform in Adoption Land

Hello!  For those of you who don't know me, my name is Amanda.  For awhile now, I have been doing the weekly quotes and music posts here at BirthMom Buds.  What you might not know is that I have a huge interest in a subject that often creates controversy, but is very important and close to my heart:  Adoption Reform.

So, of course, when Coley asked me if I would be interested in writing a bi-monthly blog (occasionally weekly when time permits), I jumped at the chance!  And here I am!  I would love to keep these entries interactive with input from you, the readers.  I would like to do Question and Answer sessions with some of you to find out where you think change is needed, as well as give you a platform to tell your personal stories.  And, of course, cover topics within adoption I personally feel need some change.

Being that this is my first "reform" blog here, I'm going to keep it fairly light and just mirror a question that was raised on the BirthMom Buds Facebook page.  What are some things you all feel need to be changed within the adoption world either in your own personal journeys or adoption as a whole?  I would love to read the various comments on this!

And please, if any of you would like to volunteer for some Question and Answers, offer tips or suggestions, or tell me your story, feel free to email me here.  

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