Wednesday, December 5, 2012

My "Game Face" Might Need Some Fine-Tuning

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There are countless things I never thought twice about before getting pregnant and placing my daughter. Countless things I never took offense to and couldn't imagine why I would. Things I never wondered about, things I took for granted. I never knew how hurt I could be by seeing a mother and her children out shopping together or a father holding hands with his little girl while walking down the street. Are these people hurting ME intentionally? No, of course not. So why do these instances hurt me more than say a childish classmate in 8th grade who was purposely targeting and making fun of me? It seems crazy, but it's all too true.

I have a coworker who I have gotten close to over the past couple of months. She is around my age but she is married and her life is completely the opposite of mine in many ways. We have always gotten along great, but now that I am approaching my one year anniversary of being with the company, I have gotten to know my coworkers very well, some more so than others. She happens to be someone I am close with. She always offers great advice for me and she knows the whole story about my daughter and is familiar with most of the pieces of the "puzzle" that is my child's birth father. She has suggested many good ideas when it comes to dealing with situations that arise (for example, her birth dad calling me out of the blue wanting pictures after I told him to stop contacting me and she also helped me construct a letter expressing my feelings rationally to my daughter's adoptive mom when she had blown us off for Skype twice in a row).

Anyways, let me get to the point (hahaha). She chatted me today via the program we have at work and said "GOOD NEWS! :)" so I asked her what was going on. She told me she and her husband got accepted into an adoption program. Now, I knew that she had been interested in adopting from the start, but we never talked about it too much, aside from me telling her how utterly important it is to keep promises to the birth mom and just giving her some insight to "our" side of the adoption world. For whatever reason, when she told me that, it was like a knife in my gut. Thankfully, we were talking on the computer, so she couldn't see my face. I acted happy  - and don't get me wrong - I am happy for her, but it was tough to be excited. I almost felt like she was going to come take my baby from me. I realize how crazy that sounded, but hearing that she is in the process of adopting made me think of my pregnant self, and her coming to pick my baby up from the hospital. It was an irrational thought, but it stuck with me throughout the day. She went on to tell me about the hopeful adoptive parents' side of the process, and she went into a lot more detail than I would have liked. Then, she walked over to my desk and talked about it some more. I feigned happiness, but again, it was hard. She was not trying to be insensitive, she is not that kind of person. She is one of the only people I talk about deeper stuff with, and I am one of the only ones that she does as well, so it's just the relationship we have. But part of me was thinking, "can't she put two and two together and realize that I may not want to carry on with this conversation?"

Do you ever have to try to distance yourself from your own feelings and try to put on your "game face" for the sake of a friend. I, personally, am dreading the day any of my close friends announce a pregnancy.

1 comment:

  1. brother and sister-in-law just had a baby. I am so happy for them but it is painful for me to be around a newborn. I can relate to everything you said. Seeing families in public is hard...all of it. The situation with your friend would be awkward, even though you are happy for her. I can totally relate.