Quote of the Week: Small Kindness

"Do not forget small kindnesses and do not remember small faults." 

- Chinese Proverb

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Another Birthday

So it's birthday week.... again. They seem to come faster and faster as the years go by, don't they? This year has been a doozy for me in a number of ways. I'm not sure I even understand why yet. But my birthdaughter, Katie, messaged me and thanked me for thinking of her and sending her a card.

Thinking of her.

That really did it. I asked her if she knew that no matter what was going on in my life, no matter where I was, I started crying like a baby the night before her birthday. Then I assured her that she has never - no, never - been forgotten by me. And then I wished her a happy day celebrating with her friends and family.

My husband can't understand either. He looks at me as I'm crying and replaying the above scene and asks, "But why is this year any harder than any other year?"

Why indeed.

Grief is its own entity. And until you've experienced it firsthand, it doesn't make sense. It lives and it breathes and it comes and goes as it pleases. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason. It makes no sense why the 26th birthday was harder on me than the 20th, or the 12th or the 3rd.

My thinking that I should have this thing licked by now gets me absolutely nowhere. So I just roll with it. I cry (this year in Wal-Mart, my car and at the dinner table) and allow myself the room to breathe.

My poor kids didn't know what to do with themselves. I could tell they were trying to "make mama happy" all day because I was freaking them out.

Now I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I'm almost through it. Who knows? Maybe next year I'll get a respite and Grief won't affect me at all.

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Quote of the Week: By Being Yourself

"By being yourself you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before."

- Edwin Elliot

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Spotlight Blogger: Meet Renee

It has been a while since we've done one of these! If you follow any birthmom bloggers that haven't been featured in a spotlight post, please let us know. We'd love to get the word out there about their blog!

Today's featured blogger is Renee of Letters to Little Man. Let's find out a little more about Renee...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

Hello! My name is Renee, although my beautiful little boy, Liam, calls me Nay-Nay. I am 21 and a senior in college at UNC-Asheville. My son will be three this summer and he is my inspiration (along with his wonderful adoptive family)!

When I discovered I was pregnant, I was 18, a part-time server and a full-time student. I chose adoption because I knew that, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t provide for my son in the way I thought he deserved. When it came to adoption, I knew I wanted an open relationship from the start – I wanted him to know me, I wanted to watch him grow up, I still wanted to be his family. Luckily for me, his adoptive parents wanted the same things, and we see each other about once a month or so, plus we text, Facebook and e-mail constantly. It’s a wonderful relationship and I couldn’t be happier with the way things have turned out. I got very lucky!

When and why did you begin blogging?

I began my blog about a year ago. It was an idea I’d been playing with since Liam was adopted – there are just so many things you want to tell your child. You want to tell them why you chose to place them for adoption. You want to tell them about yourself. You want to tell them that you love them so, so much. But as a birth mother, you don’t get to be around to say those things every day and sometimes, it’s really tough. I started my blog as a way to connect with my son – hopefully it will be a great thing for Liam to have and read someday but for now, it’s my way of communicating with him during the times I can’t actually be with him.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

The title of my blog is Letters to Little Man, and it’s pretty self-descriptive: I use my blogs to write letters to Liam! Each blog is organized in a letter format, so it’s literally like I’m writing a letter from me to him. The “little man” portion is because that’s what my friends and family called him when I was pregnant. They would always pat my tummy and ask me how the “little man” was doing. Usually he was dancing…on my bladder.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

I’m actually about to write a letter/blog post about that! The responses to my blog have been overwhelmingly positive. There is a huge adoption community out there and I feel very lucky to be a part of it. People have been so nice and complimentary to me, about my writing and about my decision. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it – compliments always make me blush! Mainly, it’s just nice to get support, even from total strangers. It means that you’re reaching out and touching other lives by spreading your own story. It means that somewhere out there is someone who knows exactly how you feel, and that’s always nice to know.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

Oh my, there’s so many! There is a lot of variety in the things I post – sometimes I post pictures of Liam or his family or our visits (okay, I post a lot of pictures) and sometimes I post videos. Sometimes I post funny things and sometimes I post about things that were really difficult for me. But I would have to say that my top 5 are…

-           The Birds, The Bees and The Business of Being a Birth Mom

-          Pain With a Purpose

-          There’s a Toddler In My Econ Class

-          The Best Five Percent

-          The Worst Ten Days and the Best Nineteen Months  

      

      These are my favorite because they really delve into what it’s like being a birth mom – the highlights and the sad parts. They’ve all got a touch of humor (I love to laugh and the sarcasm is hereditary) but they’re all very meaningful, by themselves and to me. As birth mothers, we all have such intense, extraordinary, unique stories and each one matters.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

I’m going to quote Nike and say, “Just Do It.” I had no idea what I was doing when I started my blog – all I knew was that I wanted to connect with my son and I wanted to spread the word about open adoption and how wonderful it can be. I didn’t really “find my voice” until a few months in and there are days where I still feel like I’m learning about the blogging process (like, every day). But honestly, you just learn as you go so the only thing to do is start and see where it leads you. Write from the heart and you can’t go wrong!

Words

Recently I was invited to speak at a women's retreat a few hours away from my home. It was such an awesome time to get away and be with my mom and not with my children. Not that I don't love them. If you're a parent, you get what I'm saying.

All the time preparing for this retreat I kept asking God to give me the right words. Words that would build up and not tear down. Words that would point them to God and not to the world. Words of wisdom that would impart to them wisdom and courage.

Since that time, I have heard this new song by Hawk Nelson on the radio. While I'm not a songwriter, I think these were the words I was praying as I prepped for the retreat. And while the retreat is over, I hope some of it sticks with me. I hope I am changed by preparing and teaching other women. And I hope my own words to my children build up and encourage and love and not tear down and belittle and despise.

How are your words today?

Quote of the Week: Success

"Sometimes the struggle is what makes success even sweeter." 

- Unknown

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Music Monday: All I can do by Tyrone Wells

"And I cant hold the hands of time

They will move like they will move

but I can hold your hand in mine, Give my time and give my heart,It's all that I can do."

Quote of the Week: Build a Door

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

- Milton Berle

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Searching using Social Media

Did you see this this week on facebook? I was surprised when I logged in to find my friend had liked Sharon's post and promised to help spread the word. It's amazing how technology is changing the way birthchildren and their biological parents are connecting!

I wonder if Crystal (the daughter she is searching for) has seen this yet? or if she has and doesn't know it's her? or maybe she has and is mortified because she likes things just the way they are.

It's hard for me to put myself in those shoes. I've always known who I am and where I came from. I've always known I belonged to the family who surrounded me. Even in my 'black sheep' years, I had no doubt that my parents were my parents, and my extended family was just that.

I have a friend who, years after her father died, learned that she had a brother from a previous relationship. Her mother didn't even know. And now her mother and sister are slow to recognize this new brother as a part of their family.

How sad! Instead of harboring resentment towards her deceased husband, I wish she were able to embrace this new facet of her husband's past!

Anyway, I'm rambling. Somehow, all these thoughts are related.

Have a great day!

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Music Monday: This Ain't Goodbye by Train

"This ain't goodbye, It's not where our story ends
As long as we've got time, this ain't goodbye." 

Quote of the Week: Adjust your Sails

"When you can't change the direction of the wind, adjust your sails."

- H. Jackson Brown

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2013 Slideshow Submissions Call

Each year BirthMom Buds creates a slideshow featuring our members and our members’ children. The slideshow debuts at the BirthMom Buds Retreat and then is on the website afterwards. The slideshow is made to a different meaningful song each year, is a touching look at our members and their children, and is always a favorite among many of you.

We are looking for the following types of photos:
• Pregnancy pics
• Hospital photos
• Photos of you and your birth child if you are in an open adoption
• Photos of your child
• Photos of older birthmothers in reunion
• Photos with birthdads are good too!
• Triad photos – adoptive parent(s), birth parent(s), and child

Basically, send us your favorite photos and we will choose what fits the song and story line.  We will use at least one of the photos that every person sends and more as they pertain to the story line. High resolution photos are best.

If you send us your pictures you are giving us permission to use them. It’s your responsibility to OK the use of your child’s pictures from their adoptive parents. Once you email them to us, we will respond letting you know we have received them. If you don’t hear from us in a couple of days after submitting your photos, it probably means that we did not receive them so please check in with us.

Please email photos to birthmombuds@gmail.com and put “slideshow pics” in the subject line. Also, please put your name, your child’s name, your child’s age, and adoption type, and any other pertinent information regarding the people or what’s going on in the photos you are submitting.

Check out past slideshows to get a feel for what types of pictures we like to use:

A Birthmother’s Wish (2007)
A Birthmother’s Hope (2008)
Never Alone (2009)
You’ll be in my Heart (2010)
A Beautiful Goodbye (2011)
Dream Big (2012)

Deadline for submissions is April 10, 2013.

Music Monday: Stand Back Up by Sugarland

"Sometimes I'm afraid and don't feel that tough,
But I will stand back up." 

Quote of the Week: First Step

"The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next."
- Daisku Ikeda

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Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother

For this week's post, I want to review a book by Xinran called Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother. Xinran is a Chinese journalist who has an amazing gift of getting women to tell her their stories. The stories of Chinese mothers driven to place their daughters for adoption or abandon them on the streets are beyond words.

Despite the fact that the book was originally written in Chinese and then translated to English, the author's voice is strong and compassionate and caring. As she learns about the harsh realities of the People's Republic of China, the reader is learning alongside her.

Her descriptions are vivid as she contrasts the dirt poor of the farm people with her own life as a city dweller. The first time she goes out to the country to interview a family, she is overwhelmed with the difference from her own existence.

We as the reader also learn, from the inside out, what the 'one-child policy' really looks like to those who have had to endure it.

Your time would be well-spent in reading this work. I know as birthmoms we have all struggled, but the women of China have been much worse off than most of us have ever dreamed of being.

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