Spotlight Blogger: Meet Danielle

Today's featured blogger is Danielle of Another Version of Mother.  Let's find out a little more about Danielle....

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Danielle and I am a birthmother.   I am 26, almost 27. I love reading, writing and coffee.   I live in Canada, with my husband, and two parented children. 

When I was 17, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I had been using contraception to prevent, but still wound up with a positive pregnancy test. The birth father and I had broken up about a month before I officially found out about the pregnancy. Our relationship, due to circumstances and our being naïve, was not repairable.  He was very much absent from the entire pregnancy; it wasn't until a year or so after that we began to speak again. 

I wouldn't say that I chose an adoption plan personally, as much as I was guided, and demanded to do so. My parents are highly religious and it was pushed on me from the moment I told them I was pregnant. Being so young, and feeling like I had to be obedient to my parents’ wishes, I complied. I knew my only real options were parenting or adoption.  Abortion just didn't feel like the choice I could make at that moment (but I am very pro-choice!).   I was told in certain terms that if I parented the child, I would be on my own entirely.  So I went with adoption.   It's taken me years to come to terms with how my adoption plan was really not even mine to begin with.  It will be something I struggle with likely for the rest of my life.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I've always written things regarding the adoption.  I just never shared it with anyone.  This past year, thanks to other inspiring birthmothers, I have finally taken the brave step in talking about my experiences in the adoption process. This has been an incredible part of the journey for me as a birthmother. It has been therapeutic to dig deep and write about these intense and raw moments in my life, ones that I had repressed for almost the last decade.  It's definitely empowering!

 

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

My blog title is "Another Version of Mother" because I am another version of mother. So often birthmothers are not recognized properly, or even as what they are: a mother. We are another version of mother. Even after relinquishing parental rights we still remain a mother.  We are always a mother. 

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

They’ve been positive, which has been brilliant and encouraging for me!  I'm sure it won't always be this way, but for the time being everyone has been "welcoming". It's been really incredible to have people say to me, "Keep writing, keep sharing! Your voice is needed!" I truly feel blessed to have had such a positive response so far. 

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

This post is more recent, but I love it.  When it was featured on BlogHer, it made me cry. To know people see the beauty in it, despite the tough feelings of loneliness, and regret, is so amazing! I am actually proud of myself for being able to relive this memory for the sake of putting it out there.  This one goes through the day I found out I was pregnant, the waiting game I played, and the internal dialogue I had with myself.  This post talks about discussing my personal experiences in real life with others, and I still feel strongly that no matter where you are in your journey, it's your choice as a birthparent, adoptee, or adoptive parent to share the story as you wish. 

However, some of my favorite blog posts are not always the most well written. They are the ones where I piece things together for myself, where I recognize traits that I have picked up along the way, and am able to grow as a person. 

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog? 

Just do it. I spent so many years terrified to share my own experiences. I felt like I couldn't, that I shouldn't. But I'm seeing that it's impacting not only me for the better, but also inspiring moments of epiphanies in others. I love the camaraderie that comes from sharing experiences like this through writing.

Thank you for allowing us to spotlight you, Danielle!

Courage

I've been thinking about courage recently. Courage to face each day, courage to try again when I've failed, courage to move past my stuff. Since my closed adoption brought such shame to my family, I didn't talk about it for many years. I just stuffed it inside, went to some counseling, and journaled. But it was a pretty private thing which made it an even bigger and bigger deal. It's so funny how something left in the dark grows bigger and uglier with time.

But after I got married I somehow started to find the courage to 'go public.' I remember telling a friend my plan to tell our Sunday School class about my experience, partly in rebellion to my parents who would have preferred I stay quiet.

Yes, it took courage to say my story out loud to a roomful of people for the first time. But more than that, it was scary going back to that same roomful of people Sunday after Sunday. I found that speaking my story out loud and walking away was no big deal. But it was much harder to tell friends and people I cared about. What if they rejected me? What if they laughed? or misunderstood?

Being transparent with people I truly care about has been the biggest test of my courage. What tests yours?

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Music Monday: Never Alone by Jim Brickman

Quote of the Week: Common Link

"Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal." - John F. Kennedy

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Semi-Open versus Open?

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When I first placed, I thought there were only 2 types of adoption: open or closed.  Though closed doesn’t leave much room for interpretation, there are many different versions of open. 

If you’ve been involved with adoption for any length of time, you’ve probably heard the term “semi-open.”  I’m not certain, however, that I’d use that term at all.  Just as there are many different relationships out there, there are at least as many different types of open adoption.

When I placed my daughter, we had what might’ve fallen into the “semi-open” category.  We didn’t know their last name, their home address, or have their phone numbers.  However, we agreed upon visits and update letters.  I would still consider that an open adoption.  To call it “semi-open” almost seems too picky.  It seems too critical of a relationship.  Just as most of the birth moms I’ve spoken with hate to be lumped into a box that tells them what they’re “supposed” to do after placement, to quickly make a judgment call about the kind of relationship a birth mom has with her child and his or her parents seems just as negative.

I’m certain many of us have experienced a dating relationship that didn’t fall within typical expectations of what a dating relationship should be.  It might have worked and turned into a long-term relationship or it might not have and ended.  What worked for one couple might not work for a different couple because there are different people and personalities involved.  Different people are comfortable with different boundaries.  The same is true when speaking of adoption.

For instance, I know a mom who has 2 daughters from different birth moms.  Her oldest daughter’s birth mom lives several states away, and her youngest daughter’s birth mom lives about an hour away.  Due to necessity, the contact is different for both.  Obviously the birth mom that lives farther away can’t see her daughter as often in person simply because traveling all the time would be cost and time prohibitive.  Though I’ve not talked personally to either birth mom, I can imagine each birth mom feels differently about the relationship though each is included in their daughter’s lives quite often.  However, I doubt that the birth mom who can only see her daughter in person (though they are able to Skype fairly frequently) once a year feels that her adoption is any less open than a birth mom who sees her child in person a lot more often.

Though Nick and I still don’t know our daughter’s last name, her address or have their phone numbers, I now consider us simply in an open adoption versus a semi-open one.  The relationship has continued to grow and her parents have continued to make efforts to include us in their lives.  I think that’s the key.  No matter how the contact is facilitated, if efforts are made on both sides to continue the relationship then there is openness.  There doesn’t have to be a specific label on the relationship to consider it a working one.

What do you think?  Do you agree or do you think that there should be more lines drawn defining a particular type of adoption relationship?

Valentine's Day, Lincoln, and Anniversaries

One of my memories of the first year after my closed adoption is Valentine's Day. This particular one fell 11 months after placement and I was shopping with my mom in a Hallmark store. I thought I was fine and I was. Until I saw the heart balloons.

And the heart cards.

And the lovey dovey crap that that store sells.

I promptly burst into tears unable to control or stop the flood running down my face.

I really don't remember much after that, but surely I ran out of the store in an attempt to save face.

What is it about heart-shaped balloons that makes me sad? Why does the idea of love make me want to burst out in tears?

My parents' wedding anniversary falls two days before V-Day, which happens to be Abe Lincoln's birthday. That time of year holds wonderful memories for me of anniversary celebrations and special dinners.

But after Katie was born, I just hid inside my shell until that blasted day was over.

So what do you do to commemorate Valentine's Day? Or do you just hole up and wait for it to be over?

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Music Monday: My Heart is Broken by Evanescence

Quote of the Week: Consent to Overcome

"No power in society, no hardship in your condition can depress you, keep you down, in knowledge, power, virtue, influence, but by your own consent." - William Ellery Channing

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Spotlight Blogger: Meet Coley

Coley reading with Noah on the left and Charlie, on the right

To a lot of us, Coley is a very familiar face.  She's a trusted friend to us and one of the founders of this wonderful website and subsequent community.  She has a blog called Coley's Corner, where she blogs about her crafts and her adventures as wife and mom to Noah, her parented son.  However, she doesn't use that forum to talk about the fact that she is in fact a birthmom.  She recently started a personal blog to talk about adoption and her role as a birthmother: Living the Bittersweet Life.  I wanted to interview her so that people would be able to know her even better and appreciate yet another facet of who she is.  Without further ado, my interview with Coley!


First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

I’m currently in my mid 30’s and live in the Carolinas. I’m raising my son, Noah, who has special needs and is currently 15 years old. I placed my son, Charlie, in an open adoption following his birth in 2001.

When and why did you begin blogging? 

I actually began blogging in 2005 as a paid blogger writing about open adoption and unplanned pregnancy. Soon after that I discovered I enjoyed blogging but wanted to write on a more personal level so I started a family blog. Earlier this year, I realized I needed to blog about my adoption and the issues and feelings I experience as a birthmother on a deeply personal level, so I decided to start a personal blog about adoption.

Tell us more about the title of your blog, "Living the Bittersweet Life.". Why did you choose it? 

One of my favorite words to describe being a birthmother in an open adoption is bittersweet. It’s sweet to be a part of his life but bitter at the same time because I’m not the one raising him so Living the Bittersweet Life seemed an appropriate title.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?
 
Well, to be completely honest, there hasn’t been a whole lot of any kind of response because I haven’t given the blog URL out to many people yet. But the response I have had thus far has been positive and encouraging.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time? Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why? 

My favorite post is probably Being a Birthmom is Bittersweet because it describes how I feel as a birthmother in an open adoption.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog? 

Just do it! Don’t worry if you aren’t able to post everyday or if you don’t think you are the best writer in the world. Blogging and getting your emotions out can be healing and helpful so a blog can sometimes be more for the writer and the readers are just lucky to get a peek inside your heart.

Living in the Past

I just finished a project that looks at the issues surrounding my closed adoption such as regret, family fallout, friendships and reunion. While I hope the project reaches lots of women who need some hope, it has left me empty. Those experiences have meaning and value, to be sure. But I am just spent.

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I felt like I had been living in the past. Yes! That's exactly what I feel like. Even though I have been conscious of that and have purposefully not filled my time with writing only, I feel drained.

It's a funny experience in a way. I picked a topic and started writing. But the more I wrote, the more I remembered. And the more I remembered, the more it impacted my writing. And so on and so on.

So how do you keep from living in the past? What are some ways you deal with past stuff while still living in the present?

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