Music Monday: All We Are by Matt Nathanson

Quote of the Week: I Have the Power to Make Me Happy

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

 

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Life After Placement

Right after I placed, it's almost as if my life was put on hold. I wallowed for quite a long time. I put myself in the "victim" role. I often told myself I wasn't good enough to be a mother, so that's why I placed. I cried for days on end during the summer after Micah was born. I constantly felt sorry for myself. I convinced myself that what I was going through was to be expected. And to an extent, it was. But feeling constantly depressed and angry isn't what placement should be like.

I started seeing a therapist in May of  2012 and attempted to get my life back on track. My therapist and I discussed my resentment towards my parent and towards myself. In that dark time in my life, I kept blaming myself. "If I would've been more prepared... If I would've settled down... If I'd known earlier... If I wasn't 17..." But then we came upon common ground. It was my "fault" I got pregnant, but it was my choice to give him a better life than I could have provided. In a way, I did sacrifice some of my teen years. I went from being a somewhat popular girl in high school, to not knowing where I fit in. I became separated from my friends in high school because no one truly knew what I'd been through. 

In my town there's literally nothing to do. We have a movie theater that's going bankrupt, a bowling alley that mainly just holds tournaments, a few diners, a coffee shop, Elizabethtown College, and the high school. Oh, and we're in the middle of Amish country. Most of the teenagers in my town either become drug addicts by the time they're 16, are obsessed with everything "country", or get pregnant by junior year. A lot of my friends are mothers or college students, so it gives me a catch 22. I don't really fit in with the teen moms, but I don't really fit in with the college kids either. Granted, I'm going to community college, but it's just not the same. I tried going to a 4 year school but I just wasn't ready.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever you decide to do, you have options. Placing your child for adoption gives the both of you a better opportunity in life. Don't let yourself succumb to the "What ifs". Just go for it. I had to learn that the hard way. 

What are your plans in life? Are you in school? What would you like your career to be?

Photo: (wo months after I placed Micah, I graduated from high school.

Forgotten Birthmoms

You know I've been on this kick of trying to find out where the rest of 'us' are. According to research, both mine and others, there are possibly millions of us out there who hold the title of 'birthmom' still living. Yet where are our support services? where are our programs? where is the compassionate response to our grief?

In a traditional, pro-life pregnancy center there are support groups for women who have previously terminated a pregnancy. In those groups they find support, acceptance and hopefully forgiveness for their choice.

In a traditional, pro-life pregnancy center there are support systems in place for women who find themselves unexpectantly pregnant and choose to parent the child. In our local center, for example, ladies can attend classes during their pregnancy that include CPR, labor and delivery and how to care for a newborn. After their bundle of joy arrives, they can stay on for two years to further their parenting education all the while earning points redeemable towards diapers, wipes, formula and clothing.

In that same pregnancy center, there is all kinds of verbal support for adoption. There are referrals to adoption agencies available. And if you're lucky, you may get to talk to someone like me, someone who's been there and can lend support and a listening ear.

But that's it. That's all. No follow up. No rewards. No programming. No two year support group.

So that makes me wonder. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did the support systems come first making the way easier for single parenting? Or did the era of single parenting come first with the need for support systems following?

And does that apply to adoption? Would it make a difference on the number of children placed if more support systems were offered? Would it increase the number of women willing to come out of the birthmother closet and tell their stories?

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Music Monday: In Your Eyes by Jeffery Gaines (originally Peter Gabriel)

 

 

"Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive"

Quote of the Week: Don't Wait!

 

 

"Don't wait to realize you shouldn't have waited."

 

 

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Birth Grandparents

Today I was asking my mom for ideas for some topics to write about. She suggested a focus on birth grandparents. There's really no outlet for birth grandparents to grieve. But how do you inject the Birth Grandparents into your adoption plan? My mom tries to go to as many visits as she can (my dad can't because of his COPD), but it's still hard for all of us.

I never knew how much my mom missed Micah until the last visit we had in August. The ironic thing about it is she was the one that put her foot down about adoption. (My dad's sick, and my mom works full time. It was just common sense for my family.) It was really surprising for me hearing my mom say how much she missed him and wished Micah could be with us. I was really upset about that statement. If she wanted her grandson so badly, why did she give me an ultimatum. (Either place the baby or get out). I couldn't help but feel all kinds of resentment towards her. But then I realized she's going through something very similar to what I'm going through. When I first placed, I was concerned about my own feelings. But I never realized my parents were hurting too. We've become much closer as a family since this all happened. 

How is your relationship with your parents since placement? Comment below! I'd love to hear some of your thoughts about this.

Also, if your parents are looking for support, there is a Birth Grandparents page on BirthMom Buds.

Until next week, beautiful birth mommas!

Photo: Mom, Steve, and Micah on his first birthday

Threads of Feeling

Recently my family traveled back in time to Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia. My daughter is studying that time period this year in history and we thought it would be fun to build a vacation around some history.

I can remember going there as a child and how other-worldly I remember it being. The costumed townspeople are all very well read as to their roles and the specifics of that time period. I learned so much!

Anyway, my daughter took a couple of classes at the Art Museum so one day we were in there and I was wandering around. I came across an exhibit entitled Threads of Feeling and, having no idea what I was in for, started looking around.

Inside the glass cases I found books full of scraps of fabric left as tokens and identifiers when moms left their children at this hospital or orphanage. In the 19 years the Foundling Hospital was up and running, it took in some 17,000 babies. About 11,000 of them died and 152 of them were eventually collected by their mothers.

The hospital got so busy at one point that when mothers came to the door with their babies, they had to reach their hand into a bag full of balls and draw out either a white or a black one to see if the baby would be allowed to stay. What about the babies that didn't get admitted? If the circumstances were so dire that the mother would take them to that place to begin with, how desperate were they? And what happened to them after being denied safe harbor?

This was a different time and while perhaps births to young women not yet married may have been low, there were obvious issues in caring for children. I wish I had been able to go on a tour and hear more of the backstory. Emotionally, this exhibit slapped me in the face. I was not prepared for what the exhibit was about or what I was going to see.

Music Monday: Reason Why by Ron Pope

 

 

"I'd had enough, I'd given up, I was broken
Left to rust, hollowed out, life seemed hopeless,
Here you are, you see my scars, but still you're dryin' these eyes
Cause you are my, you are my, you are my reason why"

Quote of the Week: Be The Kind Of Person You Would Like To Be With

 

"Be the kind of person you would like to be with. Some people come into our lives, make footprints on our hearts and we are never the same. People are lonely because they build walls instead of

bridges."

 

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Dealing With Post-Adoption Depression For Birth Mothers

So just out of curiosity one night, I googled "post-adoption depression". I mainly found sites and articles about adoptive parents. "Many adoptive parents are suffering from a common complaint called Post-Adoption Depression. It's a real condition that many in the adoption community are unaware exists." That's valid, but what about birthmothers who are experiencing post-adoption depression? It's no secret that every birth mother grieves the "loss" of their child. But there's really no information out there on post-adoption depression relating to birth mothers. 

I was honestly shocked when I saw that. Without birth mothers, there would be no adoption! Sure, there's sites and articles about postpartum depression, but in a sense, that applies to mothers who are actually raising their children. I tend to stay away from that term. In this quote from the Mayo Clinic, "Postpartum depression isn't a character flaw or a weakness. Sometimes it's simply a complication of giving birth. If you have postpartum depression, prompt treatment can help you manage your symptoms — and enjoy your baby." The main thing that sticks out to me from that quote is to "enjoy your baby." But the truth is, I can't really do that. None of us can. 

Birth Mom Buds is a fantastic resource for us, I just wish there were more "medically accepted" articles for birth mothers to explore the disorder. Depression is depression, and you can call it whatever type you want, I'm not trying to take away from that. I just wish there were more medical professionals who acknowledged the loss we've all went through. There's so many articles on postpartum depression and even post adoption depression. The month after I placed, my adoption counselor recommended a therapist who specialized in placement depression with birth mothers. I recommend this to all birth mothers I come in contact with. (By the way, if you google "post-placement depression", it's mainly geared towards adoptive parents, too!) 

So, as of today, I'm creating my own diagnosis for our grief. "Birth Mother Placement Grief  Disorder." Sounds professional, doesn't it?! If any of you wonderful ladies would like to share your experiences with "Birth Mother Placement Grief Disorder", please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear your stories/opinions. 

Until next week! 

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They're Lurking Online

In my post a couple of weeks ago titled Where are the Others?, I made the observation that while some of us are known to each other as fellow birthmoms, there are still many women in the general population who are not known. For the couple of weeks since then, we have been spitballing ideas about where those women are. Today's installment is intended to be the last unless you have other ideas we can talk about.

The last couple of posts have highlighted both our churches and our communities as sources for where 'they' are. While some of us have managed to connect online, I dare say there are many others who are lurking, looking about for what groups are legit and who is not. Many of those women have been burned by a group or two or a connection or two before and are reticent to put themselves out there again.

However I do believe there exist online groups that are well-run, well-led and seek to truly help women heal. Take this one, Birthmom Buds. What a great organization run by women with true hearts and no desire to lift themselves above anyone else. I do believe there are other groups out there run by some very motivated women. I belong to several of them and appreciate the words of encouragement the women share with one another.

So to sum it all up, we're out there on our own journey. I once read a quote that said, Be nice to everybody for you have no idea what battles they are fighting. That applies to us as well. We should be sensitive to other women out there who are hurting privately without the support of others, like we have.

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Music Monday: Shinin' On Me by Jerrod Niemann

Quote of the Week: Dreams

 

 

"Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us."

 

 

 

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Deciding When Enough is REALLY Enough

On Saturday, August 31st, I had my 6th visit with my son, Micah. S and H met my mom and I at a local kid's amusement park around 10 AM. We've made it an annual thing now and it's never effected me the way it did for this visit. Actually, none of the visits have effected me the way this one did.

My son is now 17 months old and he's starting to develop his own personality. The first thing he did when he saw me was wave and smile. It was so sweet, but heart wrenching at the same time. As the day went on, I started getting back spasms (I've been having some medical problems, back spasms being one of the symptoms). I just brushed it off, hoping that I'd be able to continue with the visit. We were having a great time when all of a sudden, Micah started running around. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it hit me really hard. It was the first time I've really been able to see him move around. Finally, at 12 PM, I decided that it was too much, I couldn't emotionally handle it anymore, and I had to leave. 

This visit has been the first time that I've actually questioned my decision about his placement. The more S and H talked about his milestones, even just day to day stuff, the more I thought about my actual role in his life. It's frustrating, to say the least. 

Have any of you birth mothers ever felt this way? Have you ever had a visit end this way? I'd love to hear about your experiences and stories! Feel free to comment below. Always remember, you're not alone! 

Until next week!