Expected Grief

Recently I had the occasion to sit with a pregnant young woman who plans to place her child with an adoptive family when she delivers in 8 weeks. The local pregnancy center thought she might enjoy talking with me and asking me questions about life on the other side of placement.

Now, I've had some of these conversations before and it seems as though they are usually upbeat despite the content. Usually the young woman is telling me all her reasons for choosing adoption and how wonderful the adoptive family is and is going to be.

Not this time. As this young lady, I'll call her Sadie, just cried and cried, I found myself at a loss for how to encourage her. Finally, through my own tear-filled eyes, I said this: "Sweet girl, I'm so sorry. But the truth of the matter is that you will cry about this for the rest of your life."

I wasn't at all trying to be harsh, just real. And pretty soon after that, her crying stopped and we were able to have a conversation about some of her fears and concerns.

I'm not sure what I thought she needed that day, but when she was in front of me it was pretty obvious she needed someone to acknowledge her grief.

Come to think of it, sometimes I still need that or I at least need to recognize that I am grieving. How about you?

Photo credit

Can Your Pain Help Others?

Remember that woman I told you I ran into at work and had a great conversation with? I hadn't really seen her since, until today. We bumped into each other in the cafeteria (by bumped into each other, I mean I saw her and ran up to say hi. She's become one of my favorite people!) and walked back to our respective office areas together. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her I was doing well. Then she said, "how are you really doing?" which had an underlying tone of "how are you doing when it comes to missing you daughter?". I appreciated her questioning me, because most people accept "fine" as an answer or don't care to dig deeper. Sometimes, I'm fine with that. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about it. Others, I do. When it's coming from a place of real concern and care, I appreciate people asking questions like that.

Anyways, I told her I was doing okay, hadn't gotten any photos of my little girl in a few weeks but overall I am doing well. I asked how her girls were and she lit up while talking about them. I know some people (ignorantly) say 'you can never love a child that you didn't birth yourself as much as you can love one you adopted,' but that, my friends, is very untrue. How anyone could hear the happiness in this woman's voice when she talks about her daughters and make a statement such as that is beyond me.

She asked me to refresh her memory on how far along I was in school. I told her, and she asked me what I was majoring in. Behavioral Science. She asked me if I wanted to work with adoption in any way, shape or form - did I want to be a social worker, a counselor, go into foster care? I told her I'd always thought about being a psychologist or counselor, and only recently thought about working with adoption. It really got me to thinking. I don't think I'd ever work directly under an agency - for many personal reasons. I would, however, love to work with expectant moms who are considering adoption or women and men who have recently placed.


My co-worker told me that sometimes, the best advice-givers are those who have been through it themselves. I must agree with her. At times, I feel having a career centered around adoption might be too emotionally taxing. Even now, I can't read too much about it on the internet; I can't partake in too many discussions without being overwhelmed and just wanting to "shut off." But at the same time, I feel the best person to empathize and understand the struggles that these girls and women (and boys and men) are going though would be someone who has walked in similar shoes.

What do you think? Do you think having a career centered around guiding and understanding others would be too hard on you (if it was a sensitive subject, such as adoption, addiction, abuse, etc) or do you think those who have "been there" are the best helpers, because they truly understand? Do you think it's a good idea to use your past experiences to help others in the future?

Photo Credit

Music Monday: Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

Quote of the Week: What Is

"A man should look for what is, 

and not for what he thinks should be."

- Albert Einstein

Photo Credit

Spotlight Blogger: Meet Amanda S.

This week's featured blogger is Amanda of "Forgotten Mom - My Journey as a FirstMom." Though this blog is fairly new, she's not new to blogging. So let's find out a little more about Amanda...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Amanda, I'm 34 and I live right in between Syracuse and Rochester in upstate NY. My daughter, T, was born in May of 2001 so I've been on this journey for over 11 years
now. It's hard to say what led me to my decision, as the face of my adoption story has changed so much over the years. It's gone from semi-open, to forcibly closed, to a recent semi-reunion! At the time, I felt a lot of pressure to do the right thing, I suppose. My blog explains a lot.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I had a blog way back when, however I was never good at updating. So a couple months ago I decided to start another one, and this is it. I wanted to blog because I had no other outlet for all the anger I was feeling. I wanted my voice for adoption reform heard. So far I've only written a few posts, but I hope to continue for a long time.

Tell us more about the title of your blog. Why did you choose it?

My blog is called  "Forgotten Mom - My Journey as a FirstMom." I call myself a First Mom, Natural Mom or just plain mom. I understand the birth mom moniker, I just prefer those. And the "forgotten" part - when your adoption is forcibly closed, you tend to feel forgotten.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

My blog is new so I haven't gotten a lot, but what I have gotten is positive!!

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time? Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

The first two blogs (First Entry & My Adoption Story, part 2)… Granted I don't have very many entries yet, but I think those are a must read so people know why I feel the way I do and why I'm so outspoken about reform.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

BE YOURSELF. Don't worry about negative feedback. If you're true to you, then that's all that matters.

What Would You Have Asked?

An interesting question was posted in one of the support groups I belong to on Facebook. One of the birthmoms asked a question directed towards birthmoms who placed an interracial child. She was wondering what, if any, questions we asked of the adoptive parents in regards to our child's ethnicity. She also asked what we would say if given the chance, and what any expectant moms who are placing plan to ask the hopeful adoptive parents. The answers ranged from "will you accept a child that belongs to a race other than yours?" to "will you honor our child's heritage/national holidays?".

As you may already know, my daughter is biracial. I never really thought twice about who we were placing her with (when it came to skin color or ethnicity). I just wanted a stable, loving, two-parent home for her. Her birthdad, however, had one request: that she be raised by a mixed race couple. He didn't care if her adoptive mom was Caucasian and her adoptive dad was African-American or the other way around - he just wanted her to have one parent of  "each." He felt this would help her to be able to identify with both sides of who she was, and I agreed (to a point). He also wanted her to look like them, which never really even crossed my mind. It was promised to me from the very beginning that she would always know she was adopted and would always know who we were to her, so her 'blending in' with them was never really an issue for me.

It got me to thinking...I never really asked her adoptive parents about this. They met her birthdad and I before she was born, so they were aware of the fact that she would be a mixed race baby.  I suppose I always assumed, since they were black and white, that had they been able to conceive a biological child, he/she would be as well. So they should have no problem, right?

Looking back, I wish I had asked some questions. At least, I feel as if I should have had questions to ask. I still can't really think of any, though. These days it is just as common to be a mixed-race child as it is to only take claim to one race. It's not like the 'old days,' where you had to choose one and identify with it.
Birthmoms of mixed race children - did you ask any specific questions of your child's adoptive parents, or did you have any criteria you wanted them to meet when it came to honoring your child's race? Adoptive parents, did you have any "preference" when it came to adopting? I know the majority of adoptive parents want a child to love and cherish whether that child is white or purple, but I'm just curious. If so, would you mind sharing the reason? And lastly, to any adoptees who may be reading - if you were adopted by parents of a race different from yours, how did you feel growing up in a culture that may have been different than that of your peers who you shared an ethnicity with? Or was it something you never thought twice about?

Photo Credit

Music Monday: Everything'll Be Alright by Josh Radin

Quote of the Week: Continue to Climb

"Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it."

 - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Photo Credit

Triggered

Image credit

My mom lost a very dear friend of hers last week.  This friend was quite a bit older than my mother and they’d been friends for at least 30 years.  I remember going up to San Juan Island (off the northwest coast of Washington) every summer and spending a week with my mom, her friend and her husband on their property.  We would play badminton, dig for clams, and bait crab traps with the clams.  My sister and I would put on plays and stay up half the night roasting marshmallows for s’mores and then try not to giggle too loud in our beds as we were right above our mom in the loft of the guest “barn.”  It had never been a barn to house animals, but the structure was built like a barn nonetheless.

Though my mom and her friend obviously had quite a connection, I didn’t have the same connection with her.  When my mom called me Monday morning to notify me of her friend’s death and to ask me to come to the memorial service this Sunday, I was sad but not heartbroken.  However, as the week has worn on I’ve found myself getting snappy at stupid things and feeling something close to anxious.  I sometimes get that way when I have a lot on my mind and need to write, but I’ve been blogging so I didn’t think that was it.

As I was categorizing thoughts in my head as I tend to do and deciding what to write about for my post here this week, I came to the realization that though the connection to my mom’s friend was never a strong one, it’s triggering in me the feelings of loss that are always threatening to come to the surface.  Just when I think that I’m coping well with adoption, the tornado I’ve mentioned before comes and sucks me in again.

I’ve started to figure out what situations I might find myself in that would trigger different aspects of grief.  But I wasn’t prepared that the loss of someone I really didn’t know well would trigger my own feelings of adoption loss.  I don’t miss my daughter more than any other time, nor am I worried that the relationship Nick and I have built with her parents is just going to suddenly disappear like I used to be.  Those would be huge adoption loss scenarios.  I think that’s what bewildered me most about this situation.

However, admitting that I’m dealing with this and writing my feelings down in the form of a post has been very healing for me.  I don’t know how I will cope on Sunday.  I might break down more than I expect to do, I might not feel anything at all, or I might be somewhere in between.  We’ll just have to see how it plays out.

Have you had any triggers for your loss that you haven’t expected?  How did you deal with those feelings?

Quitting

Ok, so my last post on Signs seemed to ring true with some of you. So I'm sure the title of this week's blog is intriguing. But seriously. Stop. It. Now. This is just ridiculous! If it's not one thing it's another. And that goes for... well, just about everything.

Ever have a time when it seems each task you undertake, each chore you seek to accomplish, even little things like errands are so hard? Maybe the midwest heat is scrambling my brain this summer. Or maybe I'm just getting old, but my word even the tiniest detail seems to be so difficult.

Last weekend we traveled, to the in-laws no less, and as we're driving back I'm throwing up into a ziploc bag in the car. No joke. I mean, really Lord? What exactly am I supposed to be learning through that?

I will confess, though, that the Lord was my only option. I thought I was going to die in that car, right in front of my children. I felt so miserable, so hot and so cold and so sick all at the same time, that I just kept praying and reciting scripture. For real. My options were truly limited.

Maybe that's the point of all of this. Maybe a few weeks back when I felt that overwhelming need to pray more that should have been my first clue to pray more, you know what I mean? But there's so much that needs doing!

So I'm committing, again, to pray more and worry less this week about the things that need doing. How about you?

Photo credit

Moving forward

Moving forward, that seems easier said then done. To me moving forward would consist of forgiving myself, and the others who had a hand in handling my adoption.  I just am not ready to do that at this time.  It is just to painful for me.  I try to interact with the family member's responsible for all this pain they caused me and my husband, but it is hard.  I have no desire to be around or have a relationship with them.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel this way, I know it is probably not the right thing plus it is unhealthy.

Moving forward means healing, forgiving, accepting, and making a future for myself, my husband and our birth son.  I do see my birth son (not as often as I would like) and we do talk but I look at him and my heart just breaks for all I missed. He is happy with his girlfriend and their new baby (shes 4 1/2 months) and he just got a great paying job.  I am proud of him for what he has done with his life.  He is responsible and will do anything for his family.

It is really hard feeling like the outsider all the time.  I always feel like I have no right to call and go visit my granddaughter or to ask if I can take her for the day. I cherish every moment I spend with her because I don't know if it will be the last.  My head just swirls with thoughts and emotions all the time over this.  Being a birth mom and entering into your birth child's life is scary.  Never knowing what to expect or what could happen. While I am visiting with my grand daughter, I have a huge fear that my birth son's adopted mom may just show up there, then what would I do.

I have thought about that a lot, if his adopted mom came to where I was, I honestly don't know what I would do.  We have no relationship with his adopted parents, it just never happened and honestly I don't think it ever will.  But I can live with that.  I am not ready for something that big to happen especially now.  It has been two years and two months since I had a reunion with my birth son, so I don't think a relationship of that kind will happen.

I do feel sometimes that my birth son has more on his mind than he says.  He always looks in very deep thought.  He now knows the real truth behind what happened and I think he is questioning why it happened that way.  He knows things weren't really handled the right way, they were keeping everything from the birth dad.  He and his girlfriend have said to my husband that we should be able to do something about what happened.  Someone needs to answer for what they did to me and my husband and to our birth son.  My husband is really close with our birth son and they talk about this all the time.

I just want to tell him so much how much I care for him and love him.  I want him to know that my heart breaks everyday that he is not here with us, that his memories of childhood don't involve me and his birth dad.  It is like a sore that won't heal feeling like this.  I don't want to burden him with this talk, it is not his fault that this happened.  I don't want to add to what might already be a touchy subject for him.  I am his birth mom and I feel I should be able to say "I love you" to my birth son, but I know that this is not the time to do that.  But every time I see him, he looks like there is something he is thinking, I can see it in his eyes.  Almost like regret or pain or disappointment.

I do have some letters I wrote to him and they explain all of this; from my heartbreak to how much I love and missed him to what my life was like at that time.  I truly feel I should give these to him, but then I have that fear he will say he doesn't want them or something like that.  I am probably over reacting to all this but I just don't know what I should do.  Two years has gone by, shouldn't I have given him this already?

Do you have letters and cards for your birth child and did you give them to your child?  Was the reaction what you expected?

Photo Credit

Music Monday: Far Away by Nickelback

Quote of the Week: Worth Living

"Believe that life is worth living 
and your belief will help create the fact." 
- William James



Photo Credit

Spotlight Blogger: Monika

If you have been reading this blog for long, then you already know Monika as she posts weekly. She also interviews other birthmom bloggers for the Weekend Spotlights every other week. Monika has a personal blog, Monika's Musings, as well and I thought it'd be fun to turn the tables and ask Monika some questions this week!

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Monika, and I currently live just south of Tacoma, WA with my partner and daughter’s birth father, Nick.  I was 34 when I relinquished, and I’m 36 now.

I didn’t know I was pregnant until my daughter was delivered via emergency c-section on November 10, 2009.  Nick and I had just met at the end of January that year and he deployed to Iraq in July.  I was staying near Corvallis, OR with a friend, and though Nick and I had talked about marrying someday at that point, I didn’t know if we’d be together after his return or not.  When my daughter arrived, I thought that even if Nick and I stayed together, he’d be deploying every other year for a year, for who knows how long.  I had no desire to single parent for those years and not only deal with my own sadness but deal with our daughter’s sadness too.  I know lots of people that have made excellent single parents.  I just knew it wasn’t the choice for me, or for us, and Nick agreed.  I also knew having been in childcare before high school graduation and being a nanny after that exactly what went into the care of a child.  I felt neither emotionally or physically equipped to handle her care the way I wanted her to be raised, so I told the hospital that I wanted to relinquish her to adoption.

At that time, I had no concept of open adoption, so I didn’t name her or hold her in the hospital after she was delivered.  I figured if I wasn’t going to see her again for at least 18 years that it would be too hard to bond with her and then give her to someone else to raise.  What I didn’t know was that despite the fact that I had no idea I was pregnant, the bond between us had already been created.  Not holding her or naming her in the hospital are the two things I regret about the way things turned out.  Due to my own physical complications surrounding her birth, the state did not believe I was mentally able to make an adoption decision so they put her in state foster care.  During the wait for court dates to prove I was capable not only of raising her should I decide to do so, but I was also capable of making an adoption plan, I was introduced to the idea of open adoption by my adoption caseworker.  I chose my daughter’s adoptive parents and after a final court appearance on January 4, 2010, I relinquished my rights to my daughter and gave her to her parents.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I started blogging January 4, 2011, exactly a year after my daughter’s relinquishment.  No, I didn’t remember that date.  I looked at my post history on my blog.  My blog didn’t originally start out as a solely adoption-related blog.  In fact when I first started I didn’t believe I had any talent for writing at all.  I started my blog because I’d been chatting in the BirthMom Buds chat room and several of the birth moms suggested that their blogs had been great for them to process their emotions.  I figured that I’d post a few blogs about my emotions after visits or getting updates from her parents, but I thought it would be mainly a place to post odd things I’d run into online or in my life offline.  Oh, how I was wrong!  My blog has now become my platform to speak out for positive change in the world of adoption, and to voice my opinions about all things adoption-related.  I don’t regret that change at all.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

I chose “Monika’s Musings” because one of my favorite blogs then and now is Coley’s Corner.  I loved the alliteration in the title of her blog and wanted something similar for my own.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

The response overall has been very positive.  I’ve met a multitude of very supportive people from every side of the adoption triad and their comments show how supportive they are.  Of course since my blog has become so focused not only on my own adoption situation but adoption in general that brings out a lot of passionate opinions.  I’ve had a few comments that one might consider negative, but I can respect those opinions for the fact that they’re coming from different experiences and differing opinions.  I really don’t mind an occasional “negative” comment because it gives me a different point of view and allows me to learn more about adoption in general.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

A must read post is the page I created to house the story of my daughter’s birth and relinquishment.  This will give new readers an in-depth narration of how I became a birth mother and I hope a little insight into why I’m so passionate about adoption. 

One of my favorite, more recent posts is entitled “Oh the Legalities.”  I have strong opinions about legally enforceable contact agreements.  I was inspired to write this particular post after one of my friends, who also happens to be an adoptive mom, voiced to me some of her issues with their agency forcing them through their contract to send updates to their son’s birth parents.  They would want to do this anyway as she and her husband feel strongly that their son should have a relationship with his birth parents, but the updates are just sitting at the agency because their son’s parents aren’t accepting them.  That whole situation causes me immense sadness. 

A “crowd favorite” happens to be arecent post I wrote and published shortly before TLC aired a show called “Birth Moms.”  This post has been my most well-read post in the entirety of my blog and inspired a whole discussion in the comments section as well.  Because of the popularity of the post and the subsequent discussion in the comments, this has now become another favorite of mine.  I also did a follow-up post after the airing of the show.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

Especially if you decide to make your blog adoption-related: Be consistent and careful.  This does not mean I’m suggesting you not be honest about your feelings or that you hide when you’re struggling.  Just keep in mind that what goes on the internet is there forever.  Your child or even your child’s adoptive parents may stumble upon it someday and if your message isn’t consistent with what you’ve told them, that could cause issues.  This would apply even if your blog is not adoption-related.  Also if you’re blogging about your relinquished child and his or her parents, I would suggest nicknames, fake names, or even initials.  This respects their privacy without robbing you of the ability to tell your story from your point of view.  Be open.  If you decide to blog about anything you’re bound to run into differing opinions from your own.  Expect that and it won’t surprise you when it happens.  However, a blog can be a wonderful tool for giving you access to that feeling of community.  I know that my blog has opened up my world and that’s a great feeling.

Signs

Did you ever wonder if someone is trying to get your attention? Did lots of alike things suddenly start happening in a row that made you go "Hmmm.."?

Let me give you an example.

First, the air in our van went out. Well, that was fine because it was going into winter and nobody cared.

Then we moved. That went okay. Nothing major lost or damaged.

But then another car went on the blink.

And then the microwave started acting funny.

And THEN it was like the oven was suddenly posessed and instead of turning off kept getting hotter and hotter until I was afraid the house would catch on fire.

So I flipped the breaker and the problem was gone, for now.

While all of this is going on, I have had this sudden urge to pray more. I've even thought about setting up an altar or a specific prayer place, which I've not done before. Usually I pray whenever and wherever. But this time seems different.

Do you think someone is trying to get my attention? I wonder what he wants? Has this ever happened to you?

Photo credit