Getting Back to Normal...Or Not

After you sign those papers, the papers that you never imagined you would sign, your heart breaks in ways you never prepared yourself for. I thought I had things in place that would cushion the blow-so to speak-when I got home from 48 hours of nothing but holding my new baby girl in my arms and then placing her in someone else's. But, I was wrong. I didn't know that reading those lines, word after word, I would keep being shattered as the words bounced off the page. I was rolled out of the hospital with tears wetting my face when all I really wanted to do was stay. Stay in the room forever, holding this 6 lb 4 oz perfection. Today, it hasn't got easier. It just got different.

Saying bye to M and B and Mini M, I was in a daze after. For days I was just floating through day by day, sleeping as much as I could. I used the fact I just had a baby as an excuse, but really I just didn't want to face the reality. I slept on the couch near my parents room, because I was terrified of sleeping in my secluded pink room, by myself. I laid next to my mom when I could and cried. My heart ached like it had never done before and I didn't know if it would ever stop. But, it did. Some where along the way the ache became normal. I didn't cry all the time and I moved my pillow back to my bed. I became functioning and ready to go to work. I think of the missing part in my heart and the hole is still existent. I will always have it there.

I never thought I would date again, but I have. I never thought I would be able to talk about Mini M and not cry, but I do everyday. I don't think about her birth dad like I did, I don't want him back and I laugh when I think of my choice in guys before. My "normal" changes. My normal used to be no baby and dating when I wanted, doing what I pleased, then it went to me being a birthmom with an unshakable pain. Now, it is me being a workaholic, a proud mother, unsure of my standing with M and B, and having a big picture that I often forget. I didn't go back to a normalcy, I created a new one and I continue to.

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