It's A Process

One thing that is so obvious is that every situation surrounding adoption is different, which means the healing process is experienced differently by each birthmother.Thankfully, in the midst of variety, there are several things that any birthmother can benefit from. Here are some things that helped me:

Counseling Ideally, finding an adoption counselor can be so important and it's especially something to consider even before placement. The lawyers we went through provided counseling. This was my first experience with another birthmother, and because I was never told what to expect post-placement, it was continuously relieving to hear that my feelings and experiences were normal and would get better in time.  Even if you can't get a counselor, do seek out another birthmom that you can confide in, which leads me to the next suggestion:

Support Whether it's through BirthMom Buds, the On Your Feet Foundation, or another other support group that meets up in your area, get involved! Even birthmothers who are fortunate enough to have supportive family and friends have all shared that having the support and friendship with other birthmothers has been essential in their healing. Some things we'll feel and think won't be things that can be understood by those who haven't been in our shoes.  Also, often organizations will offer opportunities like retreats, speaking, support groups, Birthmother's Day dinners and ways to help other women. These can be empowering, comforting outlets that have various benefits depending on where you are in your healing.

Acknowledgment Whether it's privately, known only to yourself, or with a significant other or trusted friends and family, find a way to acknowledge big days like birthdays and Mother's Day or Christmas and holidays that you find important. If you have a semi-open or open arrangement, send gifts and do thoughtful things for the family. Even if you have a closed arrangement, I've heard many helpful stories of private boxes full of cards, scrapbooks, and other mementos dedicated to children.  Often women find comfort in memorializing their children, whether with a tattoo or special piece of jewelry.

Writing Feelings are going to change, memories will fade and recording these things can be extremely therapeutic as well as valuable in the future. Some agencies also allow a letter to your son or daughter explaining the circumstance of their birth and things you would want them to know. Even if you're not able to send a letter, writing one and keeping it safe can help and may also be useful in the case of a reunion.

Patience (with yourself) A big part of getting through the rough patches is cutting yourself some slack. It's okay to be angry. It's okay, even if it hurts, to be depressed. It's even okay to be okay. Let yourself feel. Also, we're all different, and depending on how long ago we placed, we either may be very passionate about telling our story and helping others, or we may be very drawn to privacy. It's important to give this thought and decide what we're comfortable with. There is just no right or wrong answer, and it's okay to change your mind multiple times.

What have you found to be essential in helping you find your way as a birthmother?

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Sharing your Thoughts on Big Events

Growing up, I can remember listening to my parents tell me about their experiences, thoughts, and feelings of different big events in history such as the day President John Kennedy was assassinated. While this was something I learned about in school, it was also interesting and neat to me to learn about it outside of a text book, to hear the personal experiences of my parents and other relatives as well.

Something I started doing about five years ago for both my children is journaling about my thoughts and feelings on the big events and days in our country, on the days that will one day end up in text books.

I started doing this right after the September 11th attacks in 2001. I was still pregnant with Charlie at this time, he was born 9 days later but I still thought it would be neat to record my thoughts and feelings for him as well. Sure, he is going to learn about this in school and I’m sure his parents will tell him how they felt but this is a way for him to learn how I was feeling at that time.

Let me share how and why I do this using one of the more recent big events in our country, the Inauguration of President Obama……

Regardless of your political views, January 20th, 2009 was a big day in American history because not only is President Barack Obama the first African American president to lead our nation but also because he is the 44th President as well. January 20th, 2009 will be in text books for both of the reasons.

After watching the Inauguration on TV. I sat down and wrote about my thoughts and feelings as I watched the Inauguration and watched President Obama be sworn in as our new President. My plan now is to scrapbook that journaling along with a headline from today’s newspaper and place it in Charlie’s scrapbook. Since I am not raising Charlie, this will be a great way for him to see where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the important days in history.

Creating a Pregnancy Scrapbook

Have you thought about or started making a pregnancy scrapbook? You may not feel like making one or feel that you should be making one if you are experiencing an unplanned but as minor as it may sound this is one of my regrets. Even though your pregnancy is unplanned, I encourage you to still try and make the most of it try to enjoy being pregnant whenever possible. Easier said than done, though, right? 

Regardless of what you ultimately decide about either making an adoption plan or a parenting plan, a pregnancy scrapbook can be a great way to remember your pregnancy as well as a neat keepsake item for your child in the future. Plus, it could also relieve some stress by channeling some energy into something positive. Why not invite some girlfriends over, make a “girl night in “out of it, and crop till you drop!

Making a pregnancy scrapbook doesn’t have to be as involved as it may sound. It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate (unless you want to do fancy and elaborate) but rather a place to record pregnancy milestones and photos. 

What should you include in a pregnancy scrapbook? Anything related to pregnancy of course! Be creative! Anything goes; you are only limited by your imagination!

Some ideas of things you could include in a pregnancy scrapbook:

• Ultrasound photos
• Belly progression photos
• Photo of pregnancy test
• Record of stats from each doctors visit (weight, belly growth, etc)
• Confirmation of pregnancy sheet from doctor
• Calendar pages that you jot down pregnancy milestones on (like when you felt the first kick)
• Memorabilia (such as labels from the foods you were craving)
• Plans you may be making regarding adoption such as when you met the adoptive parents, a photo from that meeting, journaling about how you chose them, etc.
• Journaling about your thoughts and feelings

Anything else that is meaningful to yourself or that you feel may be meaningful to your child one day!