Answering a Simple Question

"Do you have any kids?"

It's a simple enough question.  People have asked me this question before and will most likely ask me again.  It's not impolite.  It's a fair question.  But sometimes I don't know how to answer it.  I usually answer based on who I'm speaking to.

Two nights ago when asked that question, my reply was, "Yes and no."  I was with the wife of the feature poet at the poetry group that my son's adoptive father is in charge of.  They had been staying with them.  They had spent a good amount of time with my son that day.   I explained the situation and that J was my biological son.  Like many who have struggled and wondered how raising a kid and doing everything was going to work, she understood and also understood the choice that I made.  We had a long conversation and completely understood each other.

But I haven't always answered this question so honestly.

Sometimes when in a supermarket or a big retail store, I'll smile at a little baby or I'll help a kid back to his/her mother or I'm in the toy aisle wondering what to get.  And at random times the question is asked, "Do you have any kids?"  Sometimes for time's sake or just for privacy's sake, I'll say, "No, not as of yet."

I make it a point not to lie to clergy, at least clergy who make it a point to be loving and create a safe environment for their congregation and visitors.  And given a nice person in a safe environment, I will tell my story.  But if I don't think I'm safe, I won't say it.  If I'm asked the question, "Do you have any kids?" I just reply, "No."

Doctor's forms are things I have gotten more familiar with lately.  And on reaching the question, "Have you given birth?" I have to answer yes.  But sometimes there's another question that says, "How many children live with you?"  At that point, I have to put down the number 0.

It's a sticky situation.  And for us, not the easiest of questions.  Back before I was 27, I would always answer, "No, no kids for me yet."  Now, my answer depends on who I'm with and what situation I'm in.  Sometimes I tell the truth.  And sometimes I lie.  But it's not really a lie.  Not exactly anyway.

How have you answered this question before?  I would like to hear about your experiences with this and your answers.

Being pregnant

There were days where I loved being pregnant and days where I absolutely hated it.  For the first four months of my pregnancy I was sick and had a lot of trouble keeping any food down.  I wanted to die.  The only thing that made it worse was that I was a freshman in college for the first 3 months I was pregnant so that meant I was living in a co-ed dorm sharing a bathroom with about 20 other girls.  Getting up 3 times a night to either pee or vomit is not the way to make new friends.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I knew from the time I found out I was pregnant that I wanted to place.  For me parenting was never an option and I was either going to terminate or do an adoption plan.  I am forever grateful that I chose to go through this amazing journey for my daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I cant imagine my life with out her.

I gained about 50 pounds through out the course of my pregnancy.  I had never felt so bad about myself before.  I felt like a whale and that there was no way anyone would ever find me attractive.  If any of you are out there right now and are feeling this way, just know that it does get better!  I hated my body during pregnancy and even though my body will never 100% be the same, I have learned to embrace my new hips.  You have to love yourself before anyone else can.

Being pregnant is hard and no one will ever try to argue that point.  Being pregnant and making an adoption plan is something not a lot of people are familiar with.  Not only the struggle of being an emotional wreck from hormones, but also being a wreck because of knowing where this journey will take you makes everything harder.  There was one day I was shopping with my amazing sister for dinner.  I couldn't decide between two different foods for dinner so I started to cry right in the middle of the store.  I felt insane!  I felt like I was losing my mind and didn't know how to get it back.  I just wanted to be normal again and something I was never told when I was pregnant was that I will never be that.   I will always be a birth mother.  I will always have a little person on my mind who I care about a million times more than myself.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I remember the simple and casual talk to a stranger and how sometimes that would make my day so much worse.  I was asked so many times "When are you due?", "Are you excited?" and "Are you ready to be a mom".  Most of the time I didn't tell these people my plan.  It was none of their business.  I don't know why people just assume that because you are pregnant that everyone deserves to know everything about you.  If you're pregnant right now and struggling to make an adoption plan, just know that it does get better.  There were many nights where I thought I was going to be able to do all of this, nights where I just wanted to go to bed and never have to wake up again.  Just know that I would go through it all over again if it meant giving my daughter the life that she has.  There are so many women out there who have been in your shoes.  I have met so many amazing women through adoption, friends that are for life.


How was your pregnancy?  And if you are pregnant how are you making it through?