God Who Heals

I've started reading through Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling each day and it's amazing how God continually finds me right where I'm at. While obviously written years ago and not about me or my life, I am constantly finding myself in the pages.

For those of you unfamiliar with her writing, she writes as though Jesus were actually speaking. While criticized for "putting words in the mouth of Jesus", she has taken her own reflection and meditation times with God, written them down, and compiled them into a book. As far as I know, she is not pretending nor professing to be Jesus.

The page for earlier this week keeps sticking with me, maybe because it explains part of my path. She writes,

"I am a God who heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing."

While I now see adoption as a gift, it could have easily destroyed me. If I would have allowed the bitterness and anger over my situation to stew and stew, it would have eventually consumed me.

The years between placement and healing were long, drawn out times full of bad decisions and poor coping methods. While I knew Jesus as my personal Savior, I was a young and immature Believer without a guide to teach me how to live out my faith.

In between those bad decisions and attempts to deal with my pain, however, were bursts of light. A counselor who heard me. A boyfriend whose family took me in and cared for me. A church that taught the truths of the Bible in a way I could relate to my life. Sunday school teachers who did the same and walked with me down some yucky roads. Friends who were not freaked out by my story (finally!!) and stuck by me.

God can heal you. He can restore you to wholeness. I know it feels like that can never happen, and while you won't be the same person you were before, he can make you new. Better. Healthy.

I am no where near the person I once was. And I'm no where near the person I will be one day. But oddly enough on my way to healing, I'm actually becoming more like myself. More true to myself. More comfortable in my own skin. I owe it all to Jesus Christ, the God of the Bible. I asked him for help, and he answered.

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The Girls Who Went Away

credit: www.thelostdaughters.com

A while ago, I read an extremely insightful, moving book called The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade by Anna Fessler.

The book highlights stories of women who were pressured or forced by their families to relinquish their children, in a time where much shame was associated with unwed mothers. I can in no way represent these personal accounts properly, I can only recommend you read it.

These stories gave me a deeper appreciation for my own situation, and a passion for educating expectant women considering adoption, and educating families on the importance of leaving the choice up to her.
Recovering from the natural pain and grief that comes after choosing a better life for your child and recovering from the pain and grief that comes from having your child taken away from you are two entirely different things.

I've often cited a huge reason for my ability to move on and heal properly being that I've never regretted my decision. There was pain and depression and mourning, but never regret, never anger at that choice and wishing I could go back and change it. I know some who have felt that regret and dealt with that pain and my heart hurts for them. How much longer and more complex their mourning is. Sadly, I've heard the stories of older women who have found a way to live despite that regret, but have in no way recovered or accepted or moved on from it.

I'm not saying every parent that makes an educated decision about adoption won't feel regret. I am saying that every parent that is pressured or forced because of an outside assumption that it is the best decision, will feel regret, anger, bitterness, brokenness. And contrary to some beliefs, they won't be able to come home from the hospital and forget what happened to them just because it was the "right" decision, on paper, according to those who were not actually carrying the baby.

It is very important that the expectant mother makes her own decision, whether to parent or pursue adoption.

""It’s funny.  The whole time I was carrying my daughter, I told myself that I wasn’t her real mother.  I really believed that.  I knew that I was carrying her but, you know, that was the party line, that’s what they told you.  The social workers said that you were carrying the child for someone else.  And I really went along with that in my head.  I guess in a way I was less tormented because most birth mothers didn’t have that kind of detachment. They knew that they were their child’s mother.  They knew what they were losing, and I was just totally out to lunch in that department.  Until my daughter was born.  I realized at that moment, that’s not the way it works.  She was my daughter.  I realized that fully, in every way, she was my daughter."-Ann" - The Girls Who Went Away

What are your thoughts or experiences?

Second Chance Mother

Hi friends! If you're like me, you love a good memoir especially when it's one you can relate to. I'm not sure when I downloaded this, but I came across it the other day on my kindle and have fought hard to put it down.

The author is so relatable and real about her forced adoption, the pain and turmoil of her years apart from her son and then her reunion. She writes so that the reader feels that they are experiencing this part of her life alongside her. Her train-of-thought style has certainly captured my attention.

Have you ever thought about writing your story? I have a draft in my drawer. Maybe someday I'll do something with it. But I think if for no other reason, it's important for us to have our stories written down for the children we place, the children we parent and all the other family members involved.

Even those of you in open adoptions, I'm sure there are things you don't want to tell your birthchild or their adoptive family. But someday you may want them to know things. And who knows when that day will come? or if you will be around to share them?

As you can tell, this book has me thinking about my own experience but also my legacy to my family. Funny how a book can do that. Happy reading!

Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother

For this week's post, I want to review a book by Xinran called Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother. Xinran is a Chinese journalist who has an amazing gift of getting women to tell her their stories. The stories of Chinese mothers driven to place their daughters for adoption or abandon them on the streets are beyond words.

Despite the fact that the book was originally written in Chinese and then translated to English, the author's voice is strong and compassionate and caring. As she learns about the harsh realities of the People's Republic of China, the reader is learning alongside her.

Her descriptions are vivid as she contrasts the dirt poor of the farm people with her own life as a city dweller. The first time she goes out to the country to interview a family, she is overwhelmed with the difference from her own existence.

We as the reader also learn, from the inside out, what the 'one-child policy' really looks like to those who have had to endure it.

Your time would be well-spent in reading this work. I know as birthmoms we have all struggled, but the women of China have been much worse off than most of us have ever dreamed of being.

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Open Adoption, Open Heart

This week, instead of a typical post, I will be reviewing "Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father's Inspiring Journey" by Russell Elkins. Coley actually received an email about the blog book tour and forwarded it to me. Without reading much about the book, I signed up to do a review of the book here and an interview with the author on my personal blog. I will be posting my interview with Russell on my blog on December 2nd (this link will not be live until December 2nd).

Here is the book summary:
"The world of adoption has changed dramatically over the past twenty years. No longer do biological parents have to say goodbye to their child forever. They now have more options when deciding the type of adoption to pursue, such as open adoption. Open adoption creates the opportunity for a special relationship between biological parents, the adoptive parents, and the child.

Open Adoption, Open Heart is an inspiring and true story, which takes the reader deeper into the feelings and emotions experienced by adoptive parents. As you read this incredible story, you will experience the joys, difficulties, and amazing victories facing adoptive couples. Russell and his wife, Jammie, invite you to share in their inspiring and heartwarming journey."

 In reading the title of the book as well as the summary, I was excited to hear about the process this adoptive father went through with his wife in making the decision to not only adopt, but have an open adoption. I was hoping this book would talk more in depth about why he and his wife chose open adoption and the practicalities of the open adoption decision. I'm certain that my desire to want to read more in general from the adoptive parent "side" on the start of the adoption journey instead of the actual process of adopting caused me to enter reading this book with quite a bias. My bias was skewed as well by the fact that I'm a birth mom and am very opinionated about adoption in general. Of course everyone interacts with others and with situations based upon their own experiences and opinions due to those experiences. Adoption seems to bring out more passionate opinions and bigger divides in those opinions because of the high emotions inherent in both the decision to relinquish and the decision to adopt.

Frankly after reading the book, I was disappointed. I do value hearing others' experiences and think that the adoptive father's voice is a very important one. However, the language he uses throughout the book doesn't bring to mind "open heart" as the title of the book implies. "Another reason why pictures and updates proved to be harder than we anticipated was because we didn't like to feel like we were babysitters anymore. Even though we understood and respected Brianna's role in the situation, Ira was our little boy." That quote was taken from near the end of the book. To me, that is not having an open heart. Quotes like that cause me to think of selfishness and possessiveness. Granted, feeling possessive toward your child is a good thing. I will never argue that. But possession of a child acts like that child is a thing to be bought, sold, or traded, much like any other item you'd buy at a store.

Also, the means by which they adopted their son caused me to cringe in many ways. The book details the fact that they connected with their son's birth mom via a long distance relationship (meaning several states away). Their son's birth father did not want to relinquish his rights so their son's birth mom discontinued the relationship briefly. The book does state that she was telling them things during and slightly after this period that caused them to believe she still wanted to relinquish. In order for them to assist her in relinquishment, they relocated her to their house, away from all the support systems she might've had, so that a judge in their state could rule that the father had no say in the matter of relinquishment at all. If you've read any of my personal blog, you would know that I'm very much in favor of making certain the biological father has just as much say in what happens to his child as the biological mother, with the exception of abusive or threatening situations. I'm also very strongly against relocating an expectant mother considering adoption away from her friends and family because I think it's extremely coercive.

The book does go on to explain that they proved to the judge in their state that their son's biological mother gave the biological father multiple opportunities to lay claim to his child and that the only thing he seemed interested in doing was using his son as an excuse to harass his son's mother. Apparently there were other issues with his son's biological father that he describes briefly in an answer to one of my interview questions.

I did feel slightly better about the book after reading Russell's responses to my interview questions though I still wouldn't personally recommend this book to any hopeful adoptive parent. Their particular situation, though they love their son's birth mother and have a continuing relationship with her, is not typical of what I personally believe an adoption should be. I also know a fair amount of birth moms and adoptive parents in working open adoption relationships that do not fit the story as depicted in the book. I know that humans make messes out of the perfection we or others have in our heads, but from all the other stories I've heard about adoption, this particular story seems to be an anomaly instead of the norm. I'm concerned that people considering open adoption might read this story, expect that they'll have to endure the emotional ups and downs that Russell and his wife endured, and decide to adopt in a closed situation so they won't have to "deal with the birth mom at all."

I appreciated a look into adoption from another point of view even if some of the terminology and expressions as well as some of the actions from the Elkins' side caused me to cringe quite a bit during my reading of this book.

For other reviews and interactions with the author, please go to "I Am A Reader, Not A Writer" for the list and links. Enjoy!

"Bittersweet Blessing"

I love reading. I'll read anything, anywhere, any time. I don't read much on adoption, because I've found that I don't deal well with anything adoption-related (with the exception of being involved in the online world). I don't like movies about it, books about it, or TV shows about it. It brings me to a strange place emotionally, and I usually numb myself to it or go through a box of Kleenex in ten minutes. I did read this book, though, and it was really good. Have any of you read it? It's about adoption pre-Roe v. Wade.

I was drawn into reading Bittersweet Blessing by Ashley Salazar - a girl who was on one of the recent seasons of 16 & Pregnant on MTV. That show used to be my guilty pleasure...I loved watching it, but wasn't quite sure why, and never really admitted that I did. I stopped watching it after a season or so, but I did watch Ashley's episode, which came out the month after I gave birth to and placed my daughter. She was a 16 year old girl who was contemplating adoption for her baby. She went back and forth, just like I did, and eventually realized that her daughter deserved a better life than she could provide at the time. I cried from beginning to end, but it was a nice release for me. My story mirrored hers in so many ways, and it was nice to "relate" to someone.

This book was good, perhaps not as good as I thought it was going to be, but I was still drawn in enough to finish it in a day. The writing style is not my favorite, but I felt like I was the one narrating the book for several chapters. If you want a quick read but aren't looking for anything too too deep, this might be a book worth reading.

Do any of you know of any other good adoption-related books? I think I may start dipping my toes in the waters of adoption literature...any suggestions are welcome!

Book Review: Delivered

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today for my blog post I’m doing another review.  This time I had the honor of previewing a book that has only recently been published but is available on Amazon.com and through her website.  It’s Michelle Thorne’s “Delivered: My Harrowing Journey as a Birthmother.”

I think my experiences with such words as are in the title shaped my expectations of this book before I read it.  Frankly I expected a story of a woman placing under coercion, her hatred of her experience and her finally coming to terms with it at the end of the book.  What I read was not at all that storyline, and I was pleasantly surprised.

Instead the book is an autobiographical account of the events leading up to Michelle becoming a birthmother.  In fact in this book, Michelle spends approximately 75% of the 197 total pages on her emotions and the events and decisions that led up to the placement of her son.  Birthmothers of all types, whether in open or closed adoptions, may find themselves relating to the emotions that Michelle so aptly describes upon finding out she’s pregnant.

A portion of the book really caught my mind and heart.  After she has her son and subsequently places him, she quotes her own journal from that time.  In it she says, “Today was gut wrenching.  I have not known pain until today.  I have not touched death until now.  I am lost.  These words are void of the gravity of the situation.  This feeble attempt at capturing such a thing is ridiculous.  I am crushed under the magnitude of it.  Part of me is now dead.  I can only hope the rest of me will soon follow.”  Later she says, “I think the finality of it shocked me the most.  I was prepared for what was going to happen, but I wasn’t prepared for it being done.  Finished.  Over.  I was left with an empty belly and empty arms.  There was an unmistakable void in my life.  My arms would ache, much like a phantom pain experienced by an amputee.  It was so real and painful.”  I frankly loved that description.  It was so real that I think even those who aren’t birthmothers and haven’t experienced that pain would be able to understand the pain of placing a baby.

In short, this book was an engaging read from start to finish.  I find myself wanting to know more about her experience as a birthmother post-placement.  I want to know if she’s had any contact with her son over the years or if she wants contact.  In it she states that she never expects to hear from her son again, but I do wonder if she’s now heard from him or his parents.  She will be speaking at the BirthMom Buds Retreat in a month and I hope to be there to get my questions answered!

Thank you, Michelle, for being so generous with your life in telling us your story, and for the honor I received of being one of the first ones to read your book.

Disclaimer: I was given a free copy of the book to review but all opinions are my own. 

Book Review: Because I Loved You

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today I’m reviewing “Because I Loved You: A Birthmother’sView of Open Adoption”, by Patricia Dischler.

It’s a relatively short book, and an easy read for those of us who’ve been in the adoption world for some time, especially as birth mothers.  It’s well-organized, and I love the way that she intersperses her own story with practical advice. 

I would say this book would be best for expectant mothers considering adoption.  The story begins from the moment she found out that she was pregnant and her circumstances at that point, so that’s when the advice begins as well.  Patricia describes her book the best at the very beginning of chapter one when she says, “This book is about being pregnant when you hadn’t planned to be and about making a decision to keep your baby or place your baby with an adoptive family.”  She goes on to say, “This is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make in your life, and there is no single right decision for every woman or girl who faces an unplanned pregnancy.”  I very much appreciated the latter quote as society as a whole still tends to dump two choices in our laps when we’re faced with an unplanned pregnancy – abortion or placement, and even those aren’t compatible choices.  There isn’t one right choice when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and I strongly believe society as a whole shouldn’t ever force someone to make a decision like adoption if it’s not the right choice for them.  Adoption was the right choice for me, but I’m not assuming it is for everyone.  On this, Patricia and I are in wholehearted agreement.

I particularly liked her analogy when speaking of beginning an open adoption.  She brings to memory the game that a lot of counselors can make you play where you close your eyes and fall backwards into someone else’s arms, trusting that the person will catch you and not let you fall.  She then says, “This is what open adoption can feel like in the beginning, except you have no reason to trust the person who is supposed to catch you because it’s a stranger.  They haven’t done anything to gain your trust, and, likewise, you’ve done nothing to earn their trust.  A birthmother blindly trusts strangers to love her child as their own, to let her know he’s happy, and to never deny her existence.  Likewise, adoptive parents trust a stranger to give up her child, to make them a family, and to never tear them apart.”  I truly appreciated that she not only brought in the birth mother’s position, but also the adoptive parents’ positions.

Patricia actually gave me not only the copy of her book that I read and am reviewing for you now, but she sent an extra copy for me to give to my daughter’s parents.  I thank her for her generosity!  My daughter’s mom just told me that she finished reading the book and that she agrees with my sentiment that it’s definitely a book geared toward expectant moms that are considering the choice of adoption.  I would add that brand new birth moms would benefit from reading this as well to give them some idea of the road ahead, and potential adoptive parents and their families might also benefit if they’d like to see open adoption from a birth mom’s point of view.

Thanks again, Patricia, for allowing me to read your book!

Book Review: Jessica Lost

Image credit: Amazon.com

Today I’m reviewing “Jessica Lost: A Story of Birth, Adoption, & The Meaning of Motherhood.”  It’s a well-written memoir by Bunny Crumpacker & J.S. Picariello about the events that led them to reunion and afterward.  I found this book on Amazon.com by putting in the search term of adoption.  I was surprised to see that this book came up toward the top of the list.  I figured I’d have to scroll through a lot of books geared toward hopeful adoptive parents and providing tips for successful adoptions.

The book is very logical and well planned.  It starts from the point of view of Bunny, and then the two women alternate chapters.  Bunny (or Faith, her given name) is the birth mom, and Jessica (or Jill, as her adoptive parents named her) is the adopted child, now an adult.  Their reunion doesn’t happen until Jill is 42, or as Bunny says, “Before she found me, the last time I had seen my daughter was when she was four days old. When she found me, she was 15,391 days old – just over 42.”

The expected heartbreak of both is there, as well as brief mentions of the women finding out that both the agency involved and Jill’s parents lied.  Bunny is married when she conceives Jill and Jill’s birth parents divorce soon after Jill’s birth.  They both make an adoption plan together, though it’s found out later that Jill’s birth father is not Bunny’s ex-husband, but the product of an affair.  When Jill finds out that the man she thinks is her birth father is not, she confronts him and asks why he’s been carrying on a relationship with her if she’s really not his biological daughter.  He says, “I’ve thought a lot about that.  I think it’s because I behaved so damn badly back then.  I want to take responsibility.  I want to be the grown-up I couldn’t be then.”

Jill then states, “It made sense to me, all of it: the drama, the responsibility, the stupidity of these young people who made a baby and messed up their lives and didn’t even know who did it.  I understood what they did, and even why they did it.  In my head it made sense, but in my stomach it was an ache, a pain.  They messed up their lives and messed up my life and really, deep down, I didn’t understand it at all.”  That quote I’m sure resonates strongly with every adoptee in a closed adoption.  I’m certain a large majority of people reading this have come into contact with at least one adoptee that feels this way – feels the logic of the reasons and the agony of the emotions colliding.

Toward the end of the book, Jill loses both Faith and her mom to death.  She says of the loss of Faith, “I know how fortunate I am to have found Faith – not just to have found this missing piece of my life, but to have found this particular person, this remarkable connection, this warm and enriching relationship.”  I think that all birthmothers who are still awaiting reunion want to be thought of by their children this way.

All in all, a wonderful book and an easy read.  The stories told by the women are engaging and engrossing.  I would highly recommend this book.  It gave me still more insights into the world of adoption in general.

Children of Open Adoption and Their Families

Today my blog is going in a different direction than my usual posts.  I have felt very strongly in recent months that I would like to know more than just my point of view about adoption.  Since I consider myself a fairly voracious reader by nature, it seemed the most logical to find books on the subject.

Image credit: Amazon.com

The first adoption book that I"ve read is "Children of Open Adoption and Their Families" written by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez-Dorner.

Since I'm in an open adoption with my daughter and her parents, I came into reading this book with the hope that it would offer practical advice or insights in dealing with the complexities of open adoption.  It didn't.  What it did offer was reasonable explanations and insights from real adoptions as to the benefits of having an open adoption.

I thoroughly enjoyed the tidbits of stories shared, and a few of them even brought me to tears.  One of my favorite insights by a birthmom shared early on in the book was the following: "When I see her, I don't want her back.  I would never go steal her away because I know where she is.  It's a good feeling to see them and know she's okay [talking about her birthdaughter]."  It is my hope that if potential adoptive parents (or even adoptive parents who are reluctant to facilitate or continue contact with their child's birthparents) read statements like this that they'll realize that the intent of the birthparent is not to damage the bonds that the adoptive parent creates with their child.  We only want to have a bond of our own.

This book doesn't address many birth parent issues directly.  In fact, it doesn't address at all when adoptive parents break promises of contact that the birth parents want to continue, it just talks about the importance of adoptive parents continuing to try to make contact when the birth parents (or the birthmother in specific) breaks contact for whatever reason.  It does devote several paragraphs to the positivity that many birthmothers actually experience when they keep up some sort of contact (cards/letters, phone calls, or even visits) with their children.  "Birthparents report that when emotionally dealing with their adoption decision, they sometimes remain in a state of numbness - intertwined with grief and guilt.  ....When no contact is available, birthparents are more likely to fixate on [these] issues, attacking their self-esteem and not progressing in the working through of the separation from their child."  I thought these sentences were particularly poignant as I know more than one birthmother who has been denied contact with her child, and I've seen what it does to them emotionally.  It is my hope that when adoptive parents read this book that they'll get insight into what it truly feels like to be a birthmother denied even the smallest of accesses to her child.

My favorite part of the book was a small section toward the end that addressed the discomfort of adoptive grandparents toward open adoption in general and told the stories of a couple of those grandparents that had come to terms with the decision that their children made to have open adoption with their child's birthparents.  This was particularly applicable to me as I know that both sets of my daughter's grandparents (with whom her parents have extremely close relationships) have expressed reluctance to support T & C's decision to have an open adoption with Nick and me.

All in all, this book was a good first foray into the "world" of adoption books.  I would consider it a great read for potential adoptive parents as well as adoptive parents already in the process of rearing their children, even those who may already be in various stages of openness with their child's birthmother.

What about you?  Have you read any adoption-related books that you think I should add to my growing list and then review here?

The Shack Book Review

I know, another book review. I loved the The Shack! I'm sure everyone else read it a long time ago, but I just got to it. I loved the way it personified God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It made them so personable and so much more understandable.

You know, when I think back, there was a long time I avoided my birthmothering experience, the way Mack avoided the Shack. I didn't talk about it openly. I kept the secret. I grieved all alone. I didn't externally acknowledge the birthdays, the anniversary dates.

But like Mack, I didn't have to acknowledge them. They found me. My own biological clock reminded me of her on her birthday, at holiday time and all the times in between. It wasn't something I had to remember to do.

About seven years into his Great Sadness, Mack gets invited to go back to the Shack. To go back into his pain. Instead of running away from it and denying it, God invites him to embrace it and really drill down into it.

It wasn't until I saw a counselor in college that I really started to face my stuff. To really see it and acknowledge it for what it was. It may have seemed easier for Mack to resist going back to the Shack, but he was desperate for a way out of his Great Sadness, for a way back to living life with his family. Desperate enough to do something crazy like trudge all the way back up that mountain to face his worst fears.

Birthmothering is like that. As painful as it is, God invites us to embrace the hurt, embrace the sadness and trust him with it. God met Mack at the Shack in a big way. In a real way. He can and will do the same for you if you let him.

Where are you today? Are you walking in freedom? Or are you still stuck in sadness and pain?

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The Girls Who Went Away Review

Thanks to your suggestions, I just just finished reading Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away. Wow! I mean wow wow. I've known I wasn't alone. The statistics prove that. My research shows that. I've been speaking and counseling for years on this topic, and it never ceases to amaze me that whenever you throw out the word 'adoption' in a room, you can just see the ripples.

Although I thought my adoption in the 1980's was hard, I had no idea what hard is. I could identify with many things the ladies had to say. The feelings they felt, the way their lives have been touched or damaged or torn apart. So many similarities.

I think the thing that struck me the most was the shame of it all. My parents claimed they loved me, yet when it came to such a pivotal time in my life and my development and my health, they rejected me. For so long the line "this is what's best for you" made me question if it wasn't the best thing for them.

About 5 years ago, the pregnancy center where I was serving connected me with a new volunteer. Guess what she told me? She talked about her own set of circumstances and the daughter she had placed with an adoptive family almost 40 years ago.

And she also said that I was the first person she had ever told besides her husband! That is still so amazing to me. The only way I've been able to get through the loss and grief and all of it is through talking, sharing, writing, and speaking. To be silenced by shame would be the worst.

I think my mom would be more comfortable if I would stop talking, to be honest. I love her and we have spent many years building our relationship, but this is a subject we just don't talk about. It's kind of awkward for me since this is what I speak about, write about and can't shut up about.

You know, when I was in graduate school, one of our projects included looking at 3 generations of our family on both sides. It was interesting having conversations with my mom and dad about the history of them and their families.

What was shocking is that when I finished, there was an obvious pattern of unwed pregnancy. My aunt is the first one I know about. She got pregnant in the late 1960's and stayed with my parents during her pregnancy. Then she went on with her life. The only reason I know is because my mom told me after finding out I was pregnant.

It was appalling to learn that I hadn't done something unique, but rather just the opposite. I had unwittingly carried on the 'family tradition' of getting pregnant without being married. No wonder my parents were so mad at me.

But it has lead me to wonder, how does that happen? What is it about the family dynamic that allows something secret like out of wedlock pregnancy to be repeated generation after generation?

Those thoughts are too much for today. This book has changed the way I view things. 
Have you read it? If so, what did you identify most with?


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"Tummy Mummy" Book Review by Leah O.

For Kaylee’s 4th birthday last year, I was trying to come up with the perfect gift as usual. It is often is a huge task for me each year as I’m trying to decide what is age appropriate and what message I want to send her through her birthday gifts.  For her 4th birthday, I decided on an adoption book since she was getting older and it might help her understand the dynamics of her twice-the-love family and how it came to be through adoption.  I knew I wanted the book I chose to echo these things: my love for her, her parents love for her, and somewhat reflect our open domestic adoption.

I searched and searched and finally an adoptive mother recommended the book, The Tummy Mummy by Michelle Madrid-Branch.  After reading reviews online, I ordered it and prayed that it would be age appropriate and “fit” our family as much as it could since I could not read it before I ordered. Thankfully, it suited my requirements and I was excited to give it to Kaylee. 

The Tummy Mummy narrates adoption from the birthmother’s perspective, which I loved.  It talks about a woman who loved her baby very much but knew she could not take care of it and then talks about a couple who had lots of love and all the baby things, but did not have a baby.  Therefore it shows that all around there is love for the child even before she was born. My favorite part is how the wise owl in the book guides the Tummy Mummy across the lake and leads her to the family. This to me was especially important because in my adoption, my “wise owl” was God and He certainly led me to Kaylee’s family. For another person, that wise owl could symbolize someone else in the adoption story (a counselor, social worker, a friend, etc). In the end, the message of love from all sides is well known, even from the birthmother afar. I loved that message: that even though I am not with her all the time I still love her.

While no book is going to perfectly match each of our adoption stories, this book of all the ones I’ve fit our story and the message I wanted to convey the most, even including a “God” figure.  If this one does not fit your story? There are more out there, just keep looking! Or, you can make your own.  Also, remember to ask your child’s adoptive parents if they are okay with you giving an adoption related and see what they might already have on their bookshelf!

This review was written by Leah O. To read more of Leah's writings,
visit her blog, O. Momma Writes.