Merry Helping Christmas

In the news recently, one of our local professional athletes took his own life and the life of his girlfriend leaving their 3 month old daughter an orphan. Who does that? And why?

That event really burst my Christmas bubble in some ways, but I think it's been for the best that my bubble was burst a little bit. I love this time of year and look forward to the rituals with my children. But since that event was so public and happened in our city, it was an instant reminder that not everyone loves this time of year. Many, many people are hurting.

I would know. I've been one of them. Along with you, holidays have not always been fun since placing my daughter for adoption. Lucky for me enough time has passed that I have good memories of Christmases after her to look to.

So this Christmas, I have been more purposeful in looking around me for others who are hurting, others whom we can encourage and help. My daughter puts money in the Salvation Army kettle every single time we see one, no matter how many errands we run in a day. We are supporting our local food bank this season and have found a family at church who could use a little extra help.

It's been great for my children to think about something besides the gifts under the tree. And for me, it's helped remind me that when I'm hurting, the best thing I can do is help someone else.

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100-Year Old Birthmom

This news piece has really captivated me this week. As a birthmom in a closed adoption, I know there are those of us who will never reunite with our birth children, we will never know the rest of the story.

But this one is so different. The adopted child is 77 years old! She is a mother and a grandmother towards the end of her life. Can you imagine undertaking such a major event as looking up your birthmother at that age? And then to find out she is still living at 100. The whole story is amazing.

I love seeing stories like this in the news. It encouraged me that there are others like me. I'm not the only birthmother in a closed adoption. I'm not alone in my experience.

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September 11th Anniversary

This post was previously posted on September 11, 2009 but in light of the 10 year anniversary of the September 11th attacks on our country, I thought it would be fitting to re-post it. 


Every year on the anniversary of the September 11th attacks on our country, like many others, I find myself re-living those moments of where I was when I found out about the attack on our country. Eight months pregnant with a baby boy I was about to place for adoption and on bed rest, I sat on my couch in disbelief as I watched the towers fall to the ground. In the days that followed, I watched some of the constant coverage. Amongst the tragedy there were stories of triumph and courage as Americans rose above the tragedy to help one another.

If you watched any of the coverage in the days and weeks following the attacks you may remember hearing the name Tom Burnett. He was one of the heroes aboard Untied Flight 93. You may remember that passengers overtook Flight 93 and caused it to land in a field in Pennsylvania. Tom Burnett, who grew up a Minnesotan, was flying home to California from a business trip to New York and is thought to be one of the people who attacked the cockpit which caused the plane to divert its path and crash in a field. Tom called his wife Deena multiple times from the plane telling her what was going on and that he loved her and the three daughters they were raising.

So, you are probably thinking, “Ok, I know all this already…”

But, did you know Tom Burnett was a birthfather?

While in college, Tom Burnett’s then girlfriend became pregnant in an unplanned pregnancy. The two were opposed to abortion and initially wanted to get married and parent. Tom was very involved in the pregnancy, working two jobs to pay for medical bills and present for his daughter’s birth. Eventually, the two decided it would be best for the baby if she was placed for adoption.

Two years after the terrorist attacks, Mariah Mills, turned nineteen and was finally old enough to request her original birth certificate from the state. The name Tom Burnett was very familiar in her area and she quickly realized that her birthfather was one of the 9/11 hereos.

Unsure of what Tom’s wife, Deena, and the rest of his family knew about the adoption and how they would feel about this, Mariah’s mother sent word through the agency that had handled Mariah’s adoption that Mariah was interested in meeting her other birth relatives. It turns out that Tom had told his wife about the daughter he placed for adoption and even showed her a letter that he had been writing to Mariah over the years in the hopes that they would one day be reunited.

Mariah has ended up meeting most of her birth family, including Deena, Tom’s daughters, parents, and sisters. She has been welcomed in by most of them. She has ongoing relationships with her half sisters and Deena. She has gotten to know the type of man and father Tom Burnett was through his family and Deena was even able to give her a letter that Tom had started writing to Mariah when she was younger for the day they would be reunited.

I love this quote from a newspaper article by Tom's (birth) daughter, Maraiah, “Even if he’d never been on that plane on September 11th, he’d still be a hero to me. He gave me life and a chance with a wonderful family.”


I know that Tom Burnett was probably not the only birthparent who lost their life that day and he certainly was not the only one with a direct connection to adoption either. Today, I'm remembering and thinking of all those and their families who lost their lives on September 11th, 2001. 


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Open Adoptions Legally Enforceable in Pennsylvania

Here's a link to an interesting article. In October of last year, the state of Pennsylvania made open adoptions legally enforceable. The article breaks down the law and tells you the specifics of the law. 

Article: Birthmothers Deserve Respect

We posted a link to this article back in May after it appeared in Newsweek on the BirthMom Buds Facebook group page but I thought it was worth posting here as well. It's a great article about why birthmothers deserve respect. Check it out here.

I love the questions and thoughts posed in the last paragraph the most.

What if we stopped pretending we lived in a world where the traditional nuclear family is the norm and accepted birth mothers into the fold of family life? We’ve certainly managed to do that in the world of reproductive medicine where we welcome offspring as biological even if the child was the product of donated sperm and egg. And we’ve somehow managed to accept a bewildering array of familial choices from multiple stepparents, two moms, or a single grandparent. But, thanks to society’s misgivings and misconceptions about adoption, birth mothers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. By indicating that placing a child for adoption is a selfish or painless choice when it’s not, or talking about birth mothers as if they were all crack-addled prostitutes or at the very least wayward youth, we not only limit a woman’s right to choose but also shut out the possibility that there are other people out there who would love to adopt. Why not try respecting these women as mothers able to make the best decision for themselves and their pregnancies—even if that decision is not to parent?

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Adoption Storyline on MTV's 16 and Pregnant

Some of you may have heard of one of MTV's newest documentary series, 16 and Pregnant. In each episode, cameras follow a sixteen year old expectant mother through her pregnancy and the first few weeks and months after the baby's birth.  Thus far, each of these young Moms has parented her baby. 

This Thursday night (the 16th) is the season finale of 16 and Pregnant and this episode will feature a 16 year old expectant Mother named Catelynn who is making an adoption plan for her unborn baby. And of course in true TV fashion, it's unclear if this young Mom only considers adoption or if she follows through with an adoption plan so I guess we'll just have to wait and watch to see what happens!

BirthMom Buds mentioned in The Union County Weekly

BirthMom Buds was recently mentioned in the news again. The Union County Weekly (out of North Carolina) did a story about Helen, one of our members. The article is below. 

Buds Have Common Bond
by Kara Lopp

When Helen Smeha unexpectedly got pregnant 21 years ago, her mother was so ashamed she wanted her daughter to have an abortion. Smeha refused. Instead, she chose adoption. 

Smeha, who’s Lebanese, said her family was embarrassed she was dating a black man, which was taboo in her family, and doesn’t like to talk about the adoption even now. The 44-year-old Indian Trail resident had a closed adoption, which means Smeha doesn’t know where her son lives or what he looks like. But through the adoption agency there have been letters from his adopted parents over the years, and Smeha knows her son is in college. She doesn’t know where or what he’s studying. “You know that we did this because we love our children,” she said. “I’ve heard it all through the years. Some people say, ‘You have no heart,’ and it’s like no, we do have a heart. It takes a lot of love to do this. I love (my son) more than me.”

A member of the online support group BirthMom Buds, Smeha joined about 20 other birth mothers at the organization’s fifth annual Birthmother’s Celebration May 1-3 in Charlotte.

It was their first three-day event. Women who’ve chosen adoption swapped stories, celebrated being birth mothers and shared information on how to help other women experiencing unplanned pregnancies. The six-year old organization, started by two birth mothers from Spartanburg, S.C., and Atlanta, has about 900 members and hosts local support group meetings.

The goal? Co-founder Nicole Strickland said it’s to let birth mothers know “they’re not alone” and provide support long after the adoption is finalized. Strickland placed her son for adoption seven years ago. “There are people who have done this before,” the 32-year-old said. “It is something that you deal with forever. It’s not like you place the baby and the pain’s gone in a year.”

Strickland met co-founder LeiLani Downing, 28, in 2001 after Downing posted a desperate plea for support on adoption.com after she placed her daughter for adoption. The two became fast friends and now are the backbone of BirthMom Buds.Breaking birth-mother stereotypes,such as they’re drug or alcohol addicts or simply don’t care about their babies,is a constant battle the women also fight, they say.

Stopping stereotypes
Through BirthMom Buds, Smeha said she’s learned to embrace the fact that she is a mother, though she chose not to raise her child. Now a medical transcriptionist, she doesn’t regret the decision – though that doesn’t mean the decision hasn’t taken an emotional toll. Smeha doesn’t have any other children. “I have suffered,” she said. “I see parents, I see children … and sometimes I get a little sad and tormented. I look around sometimes and I say, could he be my son? Could I be talking to my son? But deep down I (know I) did the right thing.”

Like several other BirthMom Buds,Smeha has found reward – and healing– in mentoring unwed mothers. For more than a year, she’s volunteered at Charlotte’s Florence Crittenton Services,a nonprofit that helps single mothers and their babies, and has been present as two women she mentored gave birth. Smeha said she doesn’t push the women toward adoption but simply shares her story and offers a listening ear.

“I’m very real with them,” she said. “To me, a mentor means a friend. It doesn’t mean to tell them what to do.” 

Smeha hopes to someday be reunited with her son. He contacted the adoption agency about a year ago saying he was ready to write letters to his birth mother. Smeha has been waiting for that first letter ever since. She’s written to him since he was 10.“God has always heard my prayers and my unanswered prayers,” she said. “I know he’s in good hands.” 

Positive Open Adoption Article in USA Today

I ran across a positive open adoption story in USA Today. 

Check it out here. 

Associated Press Article about BirthMom Buds

Recently I was interviewed by an Associated Press reporter from New York for an article about Birthmother’s Day. Apparently she had been given my name and contact information from several others in the adoption community as a good resource for her article. 

The article “hit news stands” about two weeks ago and it’s in a lot of different newspapers and publications all over the United States including some big ones like The LA Times, The Boston Globe, and The Atlanta Journal Constitution.

One funny thing – they misspelled Lani’s  last name. They spelled it Dowling when it’s actually Downing.

Here's the part of the article that talks about BirthMom Buds.............

The journey of "coming out" as a birthmother is a painful one, she said, but the Internet has done wonders to ease the way for both adoptees and bbirthmothers looking to access documents or just meet others for support.

Nicole "Coley" Strickland of Boiling Springs, S.C., found fellow birthmother Lani Dowling in Atlanta, Ga., that way after blindly searching for support soon after giving birth to a boy in 2001 and placing him with a couple she met at the restaurant where she was a waitress. Two years later, Strickland and Dowling founded Birthmombuds.com, which has 900 registered users around the country.

The two send out care packages to new birthmothers, pair up buddies living close to each other and host regular chats for birthmoms online. They also coordinate Birth Mother's Day events every year.

While details for this year's events are still firming up, gatherings are planned in New York City, Los Angeles, Seattle, Nashville and areas of Oregon, North Carolina, New Hampshire and Ohio, among other states.

For birthmoms who don't live near one of the gatherings or don't feel comfortable in a group setting, Strickland, 32, suggests they make Mother's Day a little easier by writing something about _ or for _ their relinquished children, lighting a candle, planting a tree or donating a book to a library in their honor.

"It really does give us a time to bond with other birthmoms," said Strickland, who has regular visits with her now 7-year-old as part of an open adoption. "We feel a lot of the same things at the same time. We need to be there for each other."

You can read the full article here.