New Year, New What?

As the new year begins, we once again look at our lives and our new year and try to make it better than the year that came before.  Often that means looking at our lives and deciding what needs to be changed.  For me, that's going to include attempting to come to terms with certain parts of myself.

If you're wondering why this launch into self-discovery, it's because I've found out that my son has inherited some of my qualities and conditions I'd rather he hadn't.  Thus far, he has shown signs of anxiety and problems with sensory overload.  My father had these problems as did I.  My son's adoptive parents are getting him an occupational therapist and getting him the help and care that my father and I never got.  For that, I am glad.

I wasn't sure why the school suggested they get him a therapist at first.  After all, my father and I had gotten along just fine without one.  But looking back I realize that both I and my father could have benefitted from help like that.  This past year has proven to me unequivocally that I am not done learning how to handle my problems.  And I think that finally addressing them now will help me help my son's adoptive parents and my son as well.

I've already formed a plan and will be putting that into action soon.  I won't lie and say I'm looking forward to this.  Examining one's self is often a painful and frightening expedition.  But I have been down this road before.  And as this will help my son, I'm determined to go through with this.

I hope you are all having a good day and stay safe!

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Picking a Family

Deciding on a family is one of the hardest parts of the adoption process. I know for some birthmoms before adoptions became more open there wasn't even a choice in who your child went to. I am thankful because we now have a choice in who our children are raised by.

I absolutely love the family I chose. They are amazing people who had been on a long road of loss and infertility. They lost two little girls both at 21 weeks. They had been trying for years and when I met them I knew they were the ones. We had met another family but I just had a feeling about them. We were so similar on so many aspects. They reminded me of the kind of people I want to grow up to be.  

 We had two meetings with both families before coming to a decision.  On our second meeting  we spent hours talking. We all just got a long so well so fast, A and J were just the right people for us. A mentioned that she had a dream the other night and they decided that if they were to adopt she really liked the name E because it was the same name of a little girl in a dream she had. It was a jaw dropping moment for me because the only name I had liked when I was pregnant was the same name! We had come up with the same name without even knowing it. I knew then that it was just meant to be. 

My best advice for interviewing families and meeting them is to just breathe. It can be extremely nerve-wracking but just imagine how nervous they are! I also suggest coming to the meeting with a list of questions you want to ask. It might seem kind of awkward to have a physical list but it really helped me ask all of the questions I wanted to ask.. Another suggestion that made it a lot easier for me was to bring my adoption agent with me for the first meetings. It was nice to have someone there to help keep the conversation flowing if there was ever an awkward moment. It is also an opportunity to help ask questions that I might have felt uncomfortable about asking. It also might help to meet over a meal or coffee if possible, its a conversation starter and I think that everyone out there loves to eat! Take your time meeting the families, it is a very important decision that only you can make!

What concerns did you have when deciding on a family? What helped you make a decision? What advice would you give to someone trying to decide on a family?

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Melody's Story

The smallest decisions we made in life can change our future in ways we never would have dreamed.
For instance, my big life-altering decision came when I decided to try out for my high school's jazz choir when I was leaving the 8th grade. I never wanted to try out, but a friend of mine did so I thought, "Why not?" Little did I know that this decision would affect me every day for the rest of my life in both the best and worst ways possible.

Jazz Choir is where I would meet some of the best people I have ever known who, even 10 years later, I am proud to call my friends. It would open up entire new experiences to me such as musicals, different religions, re-visiting my preschool, my former church, and teaching me to help people through music. I loved performing and I loved putting a smile on someone's face. However, it grew hard for my parents to cart me back and forth all the time since we only had 1 working vehicle and my father's working hours. This is why I began staying after school on days that we had concerts, to take the train instead of my parents in giving me rides. This is also how I met the boy who would change my life.

I met R one day after school while waiting for my fall concert to begin. He was going to be in it too. It was my cousin's birthday and he and I had nothing to do for several hours so, naturally, we gravitated together. That was the first time I became REALLY interested in a boy. This would not be the only first that R would give me. He gave me my first cigarette, first date, first boyfriend, first time, first pregnancy scare, first pregnancy, and my first child.

L was born in the fall, right after I had turned 18. She was beautiful and perfect and the best thing I had ever done with my life....but she wasn't mine.

During my pregnancy, I became the victim of something known as coerced adoption. R's mother, B, was a very manipulative individual. She used to tell me that giving L to her was the best thing I could do, that L would grow to hate me if I kept her, that we would be on welfare, and I would never be able to give her a good life. She also convinced me not to tell my parents about the possible adoption because they would be against it and they weren't good for me, how would they be good for the baby? They would abuse her just like they abused me. B was so adamant about this, she would rarely let me out of the house unless it was to go to school or work. She even kept me in the house when I wanted to go see my grandparents because she was afraid I wouldn't come back and would "take the baby away".

So it came to be when I finally turned 18, a mere 2 weeks before my daughter was born, that I had no way of contacting an attorney when she handed me the adoption papers. So, it was, with no knowledge of what it meant or what I was doing, that I signed away my daughter when she was just 2 weeks old.

It took her over 4 years to finalize the adoption, and over that time I had many thoughts of somehow reversing the adoption, but she kept telling me that I was unfit and if I tried to take my daughter away that she would have me seen as an unfit mother, and ensure that I never saw my daughter again.

Nearly a year and a half after that, B passed away. The woman who stole my daughter was not long for this world. She still lives with her adopted father, P, and his new girlfriend. They treat my L wonderfully and I could not have asked for better parents for her. My animosity is still around quite a bit, but it's ebbing away day by day by day. I am lucky, I know, in the aspect that I get to see my daughter grow up every day. I have been blessed with weekly visits, the ability to take her out to dinner or on special outings, and constant picture and video updates on any milestones I'm not there to witness.

L will be 7 this year and she remains to this day the biggest blessing I have ever known. It's hard to believe it all started when I accompanied a friend to Jazz Choir auditions. So, as a new blogger I'll be sharing my thoughts and views in upcoming posts but today I leave you with a question: What decisions and actions led you to place?