Spotlight Blogger: Meet Renee

It has been a while since we've done one of these! If you follow any birthmom bloggers that haven't been featured in a spotlight post, please let us know. We'd love to get the word out there about their blog!

Today's featured blogger is Renee of Letters to Little Man. Let's find out a little more about Renee...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

Hello! My name is Renee, although my beautiful little boy, Liam, calls me Nay-Nay. I am 21 and a senior in college at UNC-Asheville. My son will be three this summer and he is my inspiration (along with his wonderful adoptive family)!

When I discovered I was pregnant, I was 18, a part-time server and a full-time student. I chose adoption because I knew that, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t provide for my son in the way I thought he deserved. When it came to adoption, I knew I wanted an open relationship from the start – I wanted him to know me, I wanted to watch him grow up, I still wanted to be his family. Luckily for me, his adoptive parents wanted the same things, and we see each other about once a month or so, plus we text, Facebook and e-mail constantly. It’s a wonderful relationship and I couldn’t be happier with the way things have turned out. I got very lucky!

When and why did you begin blogging?

I began my blog about a year ago. It was an idea I’d been playing with since Liam was adopted – there are just so many things you want to tell your child. You want to tell them why you chose to place them for adoption. You want to tell them about yourself. You want to tell them that you love them so, so much. But as a birth mother, you don’t get to be around to say those things every day and sometimes, it’s really tough. I started my blog as a way to connect with my son – hopefully it will be a great thing for Liam to have and read someday but for now, it’s my way of communicating with him during the times I can’t actually be with him.

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

The title of my blog is Letters to Little Man, and it’s pretty self-descriptive: I use my blogs to write letters to Liam! Each blog is organized in a letter format, so it’s literally like I’m writing a letter from me to him. The “little man” portion is because that’s what my friends and family called him when I was pregnant. They would always pat my tummy and ask me how the “little man” was doing. Usually he was dancing…on my bladder.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

I’m actually about to write a letter/blog post about that! The responses to my blog have been overwhelmingly positive. There is a huge adoption community out there and I feel very lucky to be a part of it. People have been so nice and complimentary to me, about my writing and about my decision. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it – compliments always make me blush! Mainly, it’s just nice to get support, even from total strangers. It means that you’re reaching out and touching other lives by spreading your own story. It means that somewhere out there is someone who knows exactly how you feel, and that’s always nice to know.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

Oh my, there’s so many! There is a lot of variety in the things I post – sometimes I post pictures of Liam or his family or our visits (okay, I post a lot of pictures) and sometimes I post videos. Sometimes I post funny things and sometimes I post about things that were really difficult for me. But I would have to say that my top 5 are…

-           The Birds, The Bees and The Business of Being a Birth Mom

-          Pain With a Purpose

-          There’s a Toddler In My Econ Class

-          The Best Five Percent

-          The Worst Ten Days and the Best Nineteen Months  

      

      These are my favorite because they really delve into what it’s like being a birth mom – the highlights and the sad parts. They’ve all got a touch of humor (I love to laugh and the sarcasm is hereditary) but they’re all very meaningful, by themselves and to me. As birth mothers, we all have such intense, extraordinary, unique stories and each one matters.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

I’m going to quote Nike and say, “Just Do It.” I had no idea what I was doing when I started my blog – all I knew was that I wanted to connect with my son and I wanted to spread the word about open adoption and how wonderful it can be. I didn’t really “find my voice” until a few months in and there are days where I still feel like I’m learning about the blogging process (like, every day). But honestly, you just learn as you go so the only thing to do is start and see where it leads you. Write from the heart and you can’t go wrong!

Spotlight Blogger: Meet Lisa

Lisa with her daughter

Today, our featured blogger is Lisa of "Navigating Normal." I'm excited to feature her because although she's fairly new to being a birth mom and birth mom blogger, she's from the Pacific Northwest like me. It's always wonderful to connect with a birth mom that doesn't live that far away! Without further ado, let's meet Lisa...


First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Lisa Rezendez. I'm 31 years old and live in Portland, Oregon, though I was born in and spent the first 10 years of my life outside of Kansas City. I placed my beautiful daughter in a very open adoption on July 17th, 2012, two days after she was born.

I found out that I was first pregnant when I was almost 4 ½ months in. I'd been on Depo Prevera, which prevented me from getting my period, and hadn't had any pregnancy symptoms, so I was in utter shock when I first found out how far along I was. I had been in a very rocky relationship with a man who made it crystal clear that he wanted nothing to do with our child and wouldn't be supportive of me during the pregnancy, so our relationship quickly ended when I told him that I was going to have the baby. Despite my small business taking a serious blow from the failing economy leaving me with little income, not being able to afford health insurance, and going it alone, I still initially planned to parent my daughter.

This plan changed when the reality set in that I wasn't physically capable of caring for my daughter on my own. I'd been in an accident 12 years prior that left my body in pretty bad shape. I knew it would only take a few months before she grew too heavy for me to pick up or carry. As many resources as there are out there for single women to assist them with the financial and emotional responsibilities of motherhood, the one thing no one could offer me was a full time partner to do the heavy lifting that I wasn't capable of, so I made the decision to place my daughter for adoption.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I've been blogging off and on for years about various topics, but this is the first time I've written about anything personal. Shortly after I placed my daughter, I started writing about my experience just for myself. I wanted to sort out the memories to make better sense of them, and to have a record of it all for when my daughter gets older and has questions. I'd spent hours, days, weeks recording these stories, all just saved on my laptop.

In Early October, I had some serious technical difficulties with my laptop. The only resolution was to restore everything to original condition, and silly me, I hadn't backed up any of my personal files for weeks, meaning I lost all of the writing I'd done.

I was simply devastated at the thought of starting all over. But, when I began writing it all out again, it seemed a little less personal than the first time, so I slapped together a blog and started posting them there. Saving it all online also means I won't lose everything again in the next tech catastrophe.


Tell us more about the title of your blog, “Navigating Normal.” Why did you choose it?

It just seemed obvious. The word “normal” has been prominent in my paradigm since the second I found out I was pregnant. Friends and family kept telling me how everything would “go back to normal” after my daughter was born and placed. What no one bothered to tell me is that what was normal before wouldn't be the normal for after, and I'll likely spend the rest of my life redefining what that word means. I'm no longer the single, childless, carefree woman I was before. I'm a mother now, in my mind and heart, but not by societies standards. That's a life I never planned or prepared for. As I started diving in to the birth mother community, there seemed to be a common mantra...the new normal, we're all searching for it.

Also, I really like alliteration.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

My blog's still pretty new, and I haven't made much of an effort to advertise it at all, so I haven't gotten many responses. Of the few I have they've all been positive so far.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time? Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

Again, I'm pretty new. There are only a handful of posts so far, and I don't know if I've written anything truly relevant yet. I'm still stuck in the “trying to make sense of it all” phase of my writing. But, I guess the one thing I've written that gives the clearest picture of the duality of my birth-motherhood, it would be Halloween in Two Movements. It’s the closest I've been able to come to explaining how I can find joy and comfort in this experience at the same time that it can be emotionally devastating.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?
To ask someone who has a better understanding of blogging than me. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. :)

Spotlight Blogger: Meet Jan

Today's featured blogger is Jan of "Building Up Birthmothers."  Though her blog is fairly recent, her journey as a birth mom has been happening for quite a while.  Her experience and perspective as a birth mom who has a grown son that grew up in an open adoption is quite interesting.  I enjoy her perspective and think she has a lot of good things to say.  Without further ado, let's find out a little more about Jan...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Jan Collins. I am the birthmother of a 21 year old boy who is currently a junior in college. I am initially from Chicago but am currently attending graduate school in Texas, doing research about birthmother grief. I discovered that I was pregnant shortly after my boyfriend and I had broken up. He had already started seeing another girl and there was no question that our relationship was over. There was also no question that he would not be supportive of me during my pregnancy. I never intended to be THAT girl but knew that I had to make some life changing decisions for both me and my son. I chose adoption because I wanted my son to have the life that I had growing up, which included a mother and a father who loved each other and always looked out for my best interest. It's been 21 years and although there have been some very painful seasons in my life I have never regretted doing what was best for my baby.

Tell us more about the title of your blog, “Building Up Birthmothers.”  Why did you choose it?

I wanted something catchy but I also wanted something that really expressed my vision for this blog and that is to encourage birthmothers on their journey. I also hope that it will educate those who are unfamiliar with adoption and the concept of birthmother grief.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

I created my blog a few months ago but just really started blogging and "advertising" in the past few weeks. Although I've noticed I have readers from all around the world, most of my comments are from Facebook friends that are supportive of me. No negative comments yet, but I also have to approve any responses before I post them. That's the safe way of doing it.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

I wrote a post called "Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss" to help birthmothers understand their journey a bit better. It took me 20 years to really "get it". Maybe this will make it easier for another grieving birthmother. And for those who want to be uplifted spiritually, I posted two songs on the top right side of my page that are so encouraging to me. I hope they will be to others as well.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

Make sure you have a clear purpose and goal and then be consistent.

Spotlight Blogger: Meet Tamra

Today's featured blogger is Tamra of “Each Life That Touches Ours for Good.”  I appreciate her positive attitude and her gift with words.  Let's find out a little more about Tamra...

First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is Tamra Hyde, and I'm 34 years old.  I recently moved to Salt Lake City, UT but I grew up in Memphis, TN and have lived many places since. I've worked in the wilderness therapy, adoption, and beauty industries.

There were many factors and MANY miracles which led me from being a self-absorbed, reckless 17 year old to being a birth mom. It was not a quick and easy answer.  I think it rarely is. My initial thinking was: but I'm not one of "those girls.”  I imagined that the only person who should place a child for adoption were those who would be the absolute worst of parents, who absolutely COULD NOT do it; the drug addicted, the 14/15 year olds, the destitute, the mentally unstable. None of this applied to me and in fact, I believe I would have been a good parent, certainly better than many I've seen.  I COULD have done it. Truth be told, most anyone CAN with the resources that are available. It's always a pet peeve of mine when people assume I placed for adoption because I "couldn't" do it. I know now that just because you can doesn't mean you should. I came to see that it was a matter of good, better, best. What I'd had, what I grew up with, what my parents had given me- was in most respects better than what I had to offer Justin. Don't we want our children to have MORE, to fare BETTER than we have? How could I give him less than even what I'd been afforded? It didn't seem fair. What I had to offer Justin...it was enough. But was enough...enough? Not for him. Not when I knew there was better. My adolescent brain would try to twist reason and logic in such a way where it evened out, where what I had to offer could compare to what 2 parents with emotional and monetary experience, maturity, and preparation could offer him. I bargained that if I overcompensated and did my very best... But in time, I had to submit that even stretched to my max...the gap between what I could give and what he COULD have was too broad.

So knowing, at least intellectually, what was best for him was half the battle.  I still had my heart to deal with.  Part of me would still say "right or wrong...I can't.  It would kill me".  There was a sense of entitlement.  "He's MINE, I want him, I love him, and that would hurt ME".  As a teen, and as someone who was responsible for no one but myself and not even fully so, I'd only ever made decisions with the reasoning of what I felt, what I thought, what I wanted, and what I thought I needed. I was right on par developmentally (thus why we should not procreate without a fully developed frontal lobe). It took time and struggle and certainly divine intervention to break that process of thought, to finally see highlighted the "I, ME, and MY" in my rationale and to come to the realization that my mom, doesn't matter, my friends don't matter, caseworker doesn't matter, my boyfriend doesn't matter, TAMRA doesn't matter. What any of us felt or wanted was now irrelevant and could not factor into the equation. I had forfeited my right to self-interest. When I erased all of these factors from the chalkboard in my brain, when only Justin's best interest and the will of the God I'd been petitioning were left, there was clarity, and to my astonishment, even peace.

Now at this point I knew that adoption would mean that Justin wins, he would have a wonderful family with 2 parents who had the stability, experience, maturity, and preparation he would need. I knew that his parents would win when they would receive this precious, perfect child they’d prayed for.  But I believed I would be the loser in adoption, even a victim of it.  That was a deal I was prepared to strike.  I fully anticipated being pretty broken from that point but it didn't matter.  If Justin wins, I win.  

Happily, it has been much to the contrary.  I have my part in the sweet as well as the bitter. The first of that sweetness came into my view as I met his parents. Up until that point, while I'd had tremendous peace to sustain me, it was still something I viewed as tragedy.  I was going to lose a child.  But on this day of days in my life, I sat across from two good and deserving people, who'd cried and prayed and wondered for years, and now, they would have the desire of their hearts and the answer to their prayers. This was silver lining indeed. I was so full of joy for my new and already much loved friends that for a moment, I forgot my own loss. They have mourned with me and a portion of all of their joy has been mine. Every blessing and happiness they have as a family is soothing and compensation for my tears shed. Furthermore, the effort and progress I made in order to benefit my Justin have changed the course of my life exponentially. I grew more in those months than all the years proceeding. I learned so many defining lessons, most significant of which is love, the real kind, the kind that is void of self.

But I've gotten a bit off topic, I can't help myself.

This is an account of not the events (which were also miraculous), but the thoughts and feelings that lead me to adoption. It must be said however, that the MOST influential factor, what it was that got me TO adoption and then got me THROUGH adoption, was the wisdom and strength that could not have been found in me.  It was from He who knows me and Justin better than I do.  It was from He who loves us both more even than that great love which I felt for my child. I asked and He answered. I was weak but He was strong, and when the burden of grief weighed me down, He carried me. These are not just lovely sentiments. This is real and true.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I started blogging in 2009. I'm sure there were a few reasons. Advocacy has always motivated me. It's almost compulsive. I've encountered so many who have expressed regret saying if they’d only known, if they’d only had accurate information that they would have chosen differently.

One of my friend’s mothers confided in me that she wished she had done for her daughter what I’d done for my son.  I've had 2 girls, after having had abortions, express to me after hearing my story that they wished they’d heard it before they made their choice but they didn't know.  Nobody told them.  I almost feel like I'm stealing if I don't give back, if i take my blessings, say "thanks very much" and then bolt.

I was SO stupid about adoption before someone told me, and the difference it has made to me and Justin and his family is eternal in consequence. Because I have been given much, I too must give.  Another part of the compulsion is a bit… selfish? As I've made associations with those who placed in the dark ages of adoption, in those times when we had no forum, no audience, no outlet, when we were told to hide it and forget about it, I've seen all the more the great need we have to process our experience. It is so amazing and beautiful but it is also absolutely trauma. We NEED to talk about both of those aspects of it. I've come to understand my story in the telling of it.  I STILL gain new insights and greater perspective as I share it.

Furthermore my memory ain't so good so I figure I ought to have documentation ;)

Tell us more about the title of your blog.  Why did you choose it?

When I started, I didn't know anything about blogs or blogging.  I doubt if I'd ever even read one besides maybe The R House. I didn't have anything clever to call it. I named it after the hymn “Each Life That Touches Ours for Good” because every time I hear or sing it, I think about adoption. I think about Justin and his family and the impact for good they've had on my life. I also like to hope that through my words I can touch other lives for good as well.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

Truth be told, I still know next to nothing about blogging beyond that you write (this is evident if you visit).  So I don't know why, but I haven't gotten any of the haters that I hear about everybody else getting. I know they're out there and they are nasty and ruthless but for whatever reason, they seem to be as yet unaware of me. I can't recall ever having a comment on my blog that wasn't very sweet. Lucky, huh? Many of the responses I've received have moved me to tears in fact. Only really, really sweet people read my blog. ;)

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time?  Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

My posts are so random, and honestly, shamefully few and far between. Probably only a few of them are what you'd think of as traditional blog posts. Most of it is just pieces I've written for some other purpose. I'm a lazy blogger. It's interesting because I actually have some pretty passionate and current thoughts and views and things I'm processing but I get overwhelmed to think of that kind of blogging though I'm sure it's exactly what i need to do. Perhaps I will...

I think the first thing I ever posted was actually written by my mom. It's a poem called “Promise in the Garden.” I think it's probably the best thing on my blog. Really, everybody should read it. I think I'd also recommend the post entitled "Myths and Misconceptions," particularly to someone who may be fairly new to adoption. One of the few more personal ones is about what I experienced the night before Justin turned 14. I like it.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

Me?  Nah.  I'm just STARTING to try to use capitalization and proper punctuation. I write like I speak, sloppy and a little southern.  But if anyone has any advice for me… I'd like to evolve as a blogger.

Spotlight Blogger: Meet Nan

This week's featured blogger is Nan of "Our Best Day So Far."  She is in reunion with the daughter she relinquished.  I love her perspective and her overall positive attitude despite some of the rough things that she's endured.  Let's find out a little more about Nan...


First, please tell us a bit more about yourself (name, age, where you live, what led you to making an adoption plan, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing).

My name is MariAnell Barton; almost everyone who knows me knows me as Nan. It is confusing for some who don't know how to find me in the phonebook, but I have always loved my real name more than the nickname that was given to me as a small child. I am 39 years old; I placed my baby girl for adoption 19 years ago. I live in a middle-of-nowhere small town in Utah and have for most of my life.

What led me to an adoption plan? I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and thought myself completely unprepared to be a parent. When I decided to get a real pregnancy test, I went into a Planned Parenthood. When the worker there came back to me with the results, she asked me what I wanted to do about it. My first thought was adoption. She handed me a paper with the names of several agencies and attorneys that could help me. The one that was run by my church stood out the most to me. I went into the agency telling them of my plans, but they insisted that I spend more time considering all of my options, including getting married or single parenting. After a few months working with them, I felt even more sure of my plan. I participated in a birthmother group there, attended child birth classes, and prayed more in those few months than I ever had in my life. I received a strong confirmation that adoption was the right thing for this baby, especially after I was able to choose her family. Her birth was one of the most spiritual experiences in my life.

I have been grateful to be able to say I never regretted my choice. However, I have been frustrated by some of the mistreatment I have experienced at the hands of an agency I have loved and promoted over the years. This was particularly true this last year, as I sought to re-establish communication with the family with the agency's "help". Still, I do believe my life has been blessed by adoption, and by the opportunities I have pursued to share my experience and to support others who have had similar experiences.

When and why did you begin blogging?

I started my blog in 2008, after some of my family members encouraged me. We found it was a good way to share in each others' lives as some of us live thousands of miles apart. I started blog hopping and one day I ended up following a link to a friend of a friend and I discovered another family who had been touched by adoption. From there, I wandered to The R House blog. I loved reading about how she advocated for adoption, and it made me want to share more about my own experience. I was able to do a couple of guest posts on her blog, and I started writing more on my own blog about my story as a birthmother. Around then I realized that rather than telling people I had been a birthmother (as though it were a past tense thing) I was and always would be a birthmother, and a lifetime would never change that.

Tell us more about the title of your blog. Why did you choose it?

The title of my blog is "Our Best Day So Far."  I like the idea that happiness is a process, not an end goal, and we can always improve, even in small ways. I love the idea that today is even better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better yet. It is not always true, but it is something I strive for, and I believe as we celebrate even the smallest joys, they are easier to find. My adoption journey, particularly over the past year, as I sought for communication and ultimately reunited with my birthdaughter and her family, was definitely a roller coaster ride. There were moments when it was nearly impossible to find any kind of joy, but I am ultimately grateful for the things I have learned and for this renewed friendship.

Has the response to your posts been mostly positive, mostly negative, or a mix of both?

Most of the people who read my blog are friends, so the response has been positive. There are a few posts that caused some offense to my birth daughter's mother, even though most were written before we reunited. I make no apologies for the things I have said on my blog. It was how I felt at the time and I think it is good for people to see the whole story, good and bad.

What post on your blog do you consider a “must read” for people visiting your blog for the first time? Or what post(s) from your blog is (or are) your favorite(s) and why?

I think my post "Life as a Birthmother" written on June 16, 2011 is a good one, because it discusses how while I don't consider myself a tragic figure, I do recognize that being a birthmother is something which has affected and always will affect my life. "Nan, in Real Life" is a post that received a huge response from friends and others (well, huge for my blog). It is pretty long, but several people told me they could relate to the things I was saying. Basically, life sucks sometimes. Sometimes, even when things are mostly good, it is hard to find the joy in our experiences. I was struggling. We all struggle sometimes. A lot of it related to how things had transpired after "The Reunion" and how it wasn't all as perfect as I wanted it to be.

I also recommend reading any of the posts labeled My Adoption Story or Being a Birthmother. Those are the posts that tell more about my personal experiences relating to the adoption. Here is one thing that is interesting about my blog. In November of last year, I decided to post throughout the month about my personal adoption experience, starting with events leading up to the pregnancy, the choice to pursue an adoption plan, and the birth and subsequent placement. That same month, my birth daughter found me on Facebook and she started reading the posts about her birth story. She said she really enjoyed learning more about that part of her life, through my stories. Much of it comes directly from my journal.

Do you have any advice for someone thinking of starting their own blog?

My advice is to be real, but to also remember that the way you feel in one moment may not be how you will feel in another. If you are particularly emotional about something, it might be a good idea to wait to post about it until you are a little more clear-headed. I still believe it is important to be honest, because we need to be true to ourselves in anything we say. Adoption can be a subject that people feel pretty passionately about, whether negatively or positively. It helps to be prepared for the fact that people might misunderstand or disrespect your passion. But, as long as you can own it, even if the only person who seems to benefit from your blog is yourself, then that is worth it.