My Name Is...

     

 The definition of the word identity is "the fact of being who or what a person or thing is".  Usually, the first identity that we learn about each other is our name. But, we are so much more than just our names, aren't we?  What I have learned in my short, yet very long, 21 years of life, is that usually, people aren't ashamed of their first identity, their name. When we introduce ourselves, we lead with something along the lines of "Hi, I'm ______. Nice to meet you!" We take ownership of it. So, why then, are we ashamed of our other identities? We all have that one identity that we just keep locked up in the closet, or hidden under the bed. We feel a certain sense of shame about it. But we don’t have to. Everyone has got a past. Everyone has got a story. Yes, some identities may hurt, and some you may wish that you didn’t have. But you have to own it. Each and every single thing that you identify as, whether you are proud of it or try to hide it, has helped to shape you into the beautiful and incredible person you are. So, here is who I am.

I am a birth mom. I am a new wife. I am a step mom. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a student studying physical therapy. I am a little crazy and a little broken sometimes, but that’s okay because I think most of us are. I have made mistakes, but I am not defined by my mistakes.

The best “mistake” I ever made was getting pregnant 2 years ago, when I had just turned 19 days before. The birth father made it clear that parenting was not an option, but other than that, the decision was mine to make. I still laugh about that. I felt very alone in my pregnancy. Even though I was in a relationship with the birth dad, lets call him Paul, I still felt incredibly alone during my pregnancy. Paul and I had just moved to the very center of Philadelphia so that he could go to school. I basically gave up everything and followed him there so he could be my support system. I guess the idea was better in my head than it ended up being in real life.

By early October of 2013, when I was just a few weeks pregnant, I was feeling really alone and desperate for answers. I hadn’t told anybody but Paul at this point, not even my parents. I was in a dark place and just had no idea what to do. I didn’t have insurance, I didn’t have a doctor, and I really couldn’t afford to be pregnant without those things. Since day 1, I wanted the very best for my baby. I hoped that the best could be me, but without the support from Paul, which he refused to give me, I knew I wasn’t enough. That night, I just felt so stuck. I needed something to click, to make sense. I just laid in bed thinking for hours. I needed some kind of sign for what to do next.

I got my sign. Weeks before this day, I was scrolling through Facebook and remembered seeing something that my cousin had posted. She posted a link to a website and said that one of her coworkers was looking to adopt, and she was helping him get the word out. I didn’t think anything of it when I saw it at a quick first glance, I don’t even think I comprehended it. I really never considered adoption until that exact moment, on October 1^st, 2013, when I remembered what I had seen. I immediately called my cousin and said “don’t worry, this isn’t about me, but I was wondering if you knew who these people personally who are looking to adopt”. She told me she did, and told me a little bit about their family and how great they are. So I spent a long time looking through their website. It was now pretty late in the evening, but I sent them an email telling then who I was and about my situation. I prayed that they would contact me back somehow that evening, because honestly, that was our last hope.

They did. Days later, they drove to Philly from their home in Manhattan and sat with Paul and me in a local park for hours. It was the most uncomfortable “first date” in the world at first, but it quickly became very natural and I think we all fell in love with each other. After that day, I felt relieved. I knew my child would be okay. I honestly had the thought of “wow, I wish these guys were MY parents."

I think we all have moments in our life when we can pinpoint a change. The moment I met the future adoptive parents, everything changed. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I was still terrified, but now of different things, things that I could handle. That day, I stopped being an “I”. Now it was a “we”.

My adoption story is far from perfect, and I feel sad about it very often. But as often as I’m sad and hurt by it, I’m so incredibly grateful for it. Before my son, I was lost. I let my mistakes and my pain define who I was. I have learned so much from striving to be great for him. He is my motivation, my courage, and the reason I’m a fighter now. One day, I’m going to meet this beautiful boy that I created through more than just pictures. I will be able to stand up before him, and tell him all that I am now because of him.

Now, I am strong. I have determination and drive. I am his birth mom. I am a wife to the best husband I could have dreamed of, and a step mom to a crazy but beautiful little girl. I am someone who has big dreams and never gives up hope, even when it’s hard to find. These are my identities. The good ones and the bad ones. This is who I am, and I’m proud of it.

My name is Jackie and I'm a new blogger here at BirthMom Buds. 

How I Picked My Son's Family

I realized that I haven't talked that much about my adoption story. So I wanted to start with how I picked the couple who would have my son.

I was in my parent's house.  I was sitting in front of my mother's computer.  And I had finally gotten up the courage to look at the list of prospective adoptive parents on the adoption agency website.  The list was two pages.  And it went in order alphabetically by the husband's first name.  I looked at the first profile written by the couple.  And I felt nothing.  Just felt like, nope.  Not the ones to have my kid.  At this point I'm already berating myself for turning down a perfectly good couple.  I didn't know what I was looking for.  But I had to find a couple who would take my son.  The second couple on the list made me smile for one reason: my boyfriend's name and the husband's name were the same.  At the time I said out loud,

"Wouldn't it be funny if both his dad's had the same name?"

I was joking.  But then I pulled up their profile and started reading.  He was an English professor and a musician.  She was a painter.  They wrote a letter directly to me saying they couldn't imagine what I was going through and how hard this decision must be.  They each wrote a letter about each other and described one another.  By the end of it, I said out loud,

"His life just might have to be funny."

But like every girl in the world, I couldn't settle for the second dress I tried on.  I went through and read every single profile on that list.  Every one.  But none of them spoke to me the way theirs did.  None of them said to me, "Yes, these are the one to have your child."

Over and over again I went back to their profile.  When my boyfriend and I finally decided adoption was the best idea, I told him about them and about who they were.  He read the profile and without reading any others he agreed, it had to be them.

I went to the adoption agency to get set things in motion.  And I was given a binder full of profiles to look through.  I calmly paged through each one.  But at the very end was the couple I had mentioned before.  Now I got to see pictures of them with family, in their home, what the nursery looked like.  I saw them dressed up and ready for church.  And I saw them dressed down and playing with the dog.  And I knew, these were the ones to raise my child.

This July it will be five years since my child was born.  And I have never second-guessed my decision to place my son with his parents.  I may question why I did it and if it was the best idea.  But choosing them I have never second-guessed.

There is no one way to pick the people who will have your son.  I've heard multiple stories, and all of them different.  Some knew from looking at the profile because of a butterfly picture or something else that spoke to that birthmother.  I know some who had it down to two, but once meeting them they knew exactly which couple was going to have their child.  There is no right or wrong way about this.  You choose who you think will do the best job at raising your child.  I high suspected mine was going to be a creative creature from the very beginning.  As it turns out, I was absolutely right.  So I put him with a painter and a writer/musician.  Whichever way his creativity takes him, I have no doubt that he will be supported in his endeavors.

I hope you're all doing well.  Those of you who will be at the retreat, I will be seeing you soon!

Picking a Family

Deciding on a family is one of the hardest parts of the adoption process. I know for some birthmoms before adoptions became more open there wasn't even a choice in who your child went to. I am thankful because we now have a choice in who our children are raised by.

I absolutely love the family I chose. They are amazing people who had been on a long road of loss and infertility. They lost two little girls both at 21 weeks. They had been trying for years and when I met them I knew they were the ones. We had met another family but I just had a feeling about them. We were so similar on so many aspects. They reminded me of the kind of people I want to grow up to be.  

 We had two meetings with both families before coming to a decision.  On our second meeting  we spent hours talking. We all just got a long so well so fast, A and J were just the right people for us. A mentioned that she had a dream the other night and they decided that if they were to adopt she really liked the name E because it was the same name of a little girl in a dream she had. It was a jaw dropping moment for me because the only name I had liked when I was pregnant was the same name! We had come up with the same name without even knowing it. I knew then that it was just meant to be. 

My best advice for interviewing families and meeting them is to just breathe. It can be extremely nerve-wracking but just imagine how nervous they are! I also suggest coming to the meeting with a list of questions you want to ask. It might seem kind of awkward to have a physical list but it really helped me ask all of the questions I wanted to ask.. Another suggestion that made it a lot easier for me was to bring my adoption agent with me for the first meetings. It was nice to have someone there to help keep the conversation flowing if there was ever an awkward moment. It is also an opportunity to help ask questions that I might have felt uncomfortable about asking. It also might help to meet over a meal or coffee if possible, its a conversation starter and I think that everyone out there loves to eat! Take your time meeting the families, it is a very important decision that only you can make!

What concerns did you have when deciding on a family? What helped you make a decision? What advice would you give to someone trying to decide on a family?

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