On Saturday, August 31st, I had my 6th visit with my son, Micah. S and H met my mom and I at a local kid's amusement park around 10 AM. We've made it an annual thing now and it's never effected me the way it did for this visit. Actually, none of the visits have effected me the way this one did.
My son is now 17 months old and he's starting to develop his own personality. The first thing he did when he saw me was wave and smile. It was so sweet, but heart wrenching at the same time. As the day went on, I started getting back spasms (I've been having some medical problems, back spasms being one of the symptoms). I just brushed it off, hoping that I'd be able to continue with the visit. We were having a great time when all of a sudden, Micah started running around. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it hit me really hard. It was the first time I've really been able to see him move around. Finally, at 12 PM, I decided that it was too much, I couldn't emotionally handle it anymore, and I had to leave.
This visit has been the first time that I've actually questioned my decision about his placement. The more S and H talked about his milestones, even just day to day stuff, the more I thought about my actual role in his life. It's frustrating, to say the least.
Have any of you birth mothers ever felt this way? Have you ever had a visit end this way? I'd love to hear about your experiences and stories! Feel free to comment below. Always remember, you're not alone!
Until next week!
I don't get to visit due to distance, but i get updates a lot and pictures. The more Victoria grows the more she looks like me and i question my decision every update but i always remind my self she is with a great family who love her and can give her everything she needs. I always tell my self it was for the best and it was.
ReplyDeleteThose milestones we miss are a huge loss and we need to grieve over them. But hang in there because your son needs you more than you realize.
ReplyDeleteMy son is three years old now. I remember when he came for a visit and he was walking around and looking at everything and while not forming great words, he was trying to make himself understood. It was a bit of a shock. They really do grow up fast and when you're a birthmother, they seem to grow up faster because of how little you see them. I was at my son's third birthday this past July. He runs, he jumps, he figures things out, he speaks in full sentences. Every time I see him I know I've missed something else. I try not to let it get me down, but it is difficult. Usually after seeing him, I prefer to retreat from the world for the rest of the day just so I can process and deal with the emotional mess.
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