I am angry at myself for not being okay with my decision. I was okay in the beginning, even hell bent on making sure that I was okay. And now, all I am is pissed off and mad. (sorry about the language). Don't get me wrong, I have two of the most amazing children that I could ever ask for-they are a blessing. And I have such an amazing support system in my husband that I truly need to stop complaining, but there is this huge hole in my heart. I feel like when I gave E up for adoption I gave away a part of myself. I feel like I have no passions, ambitions or dreams anymore. I always tell myself that I can do anything I set my mind to do, but I can't get myself out of this hole.
My grief system is off. Someone stated about the stages of grief in an earlier blog and I feel like all my stuff is backwards or non-existent. I can't deny that I gave my child up for adoption. I have accepted that part. But my anger and depression are starting to rear their ugly heads.
Through my agency I get a lifetime of counseling for this, but that's the thing...I DON'T want to talk to a complete stranger. I don't want my situation analyzed, I don't want to be told that "everything will be okay"...Because it won't be, and it isn't. Until we are financially set and able to see E I don't think that I will have the closure that I need. I don't want to be told that my feelings are normal, that will set me off. I am in a fragile state where if you say something, anything to me I go off. Like I said in the beginning this whole thing consumes my life. It is taking too much out of me and I need it to stop.
I want my life back....
Those were my feelings last week, and over the weekend things seemed much better. On the 5th we celebrated the 1 year "You found me" anniversary. A year ago on November 5th we found the adoptive couple that would completely change our lives forever. It was such a bittersweet day. And this weekend, November 7th my daughter turned 4 years old and we had amazing family and friends to share it with, so it kept my mind off of those things. But when those people leave and it's just me I sink back into my hole.
"Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"
- The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony
So very sorry you are experiencing what so many generations of other mothers have felt, the loss of a precious part of themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are hurting. I understand completely. I wrote about the stages of grief months ago. They do not necessarily go in order and often go back and forth. I would encourage you utilize the services offered by the agency. It will be better than doing nothing and staying in this state of mind will only delay the healing process. I am praying for you. Hang in there! Email me if you wish at Mbstewart306@gmail.com.
ReplyDeleteMichele
I know, I just really don't want to talk to someone I don't know because sometimes I feel like they won't know my story, or even understand when they probably really do understand more than I'll ever know......thanks again Michele I really appreciate it...I have your e-mail written down...maybe one day I will get up the courage to confide in someone that knows about this and can help me...at this stage I'm just numb. Thanks again for your post because it helped me <3
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way sometimes. took the words out of my mouth though im only 6 weeks post partum..
ReplyDeleteI am so glad it helped. It took me over 23 years to begin to deal with my grief so at least you are doing something now by acknowledging your feelings. I pushed them all down and then when my daughter reconnected with me last year I fell apart and even at one point thought I was losing my mind. The heart NEVER forgets what it once held so dear and still loves. It takes time to trust someone with your private thoughts and it is scary. Plus you are blogging and helping other hurting moms! Draw joy from that. I know it is what keeps me going and not giving up. I will continue to pray for you. Michele
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous - I do not know your name but God does and so I shall pray for you. Please feel free to contacted privately if you should ever need someone to talk to. I placed my baby 25 years ago but I have walked your road and am here to help you along the way. My email is Mbstewart306@gmail.com.
ReplyDeleteMichele
I have said those exact words out loud. I would have never expected the amount and depth of grief I have experienced. I don't like how this has changed me. I feel defined by this singular event in my life and it consumes me. I appreciated reading your words and knowing how many other birth mothers like us probably feel the very same way. Some days finding the joy of adoption is so much harder and I just can't get there. Then other days I see the adoption for the beauty it is for my daughter. Thank you for sharing the candid and painfully honest words.
ReplyDeleteLisa- Thank you, believe me it was very hard to just say these things out loud, because I of course want to be an advocate for adoption and be able to share my story, I just don't want to hurt anyone. This consumes every part of my life, if I could seriously lay in bed all day and just sleep I probably would, but I have a husband and 2 other children to worry about. and i love how you put your words because they are exactly how I feel. I feel better each and everytime I post....it makes me feel like just maybe a little bit of this stress and anger goes away.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are hurting. I wish that I could give you more encouragement and tell you that it will all go away. Unfortunately 18 years and thousands of hours of counseling later, my heart is still broken. You'll learn to manage the grief and how to live with the thorn of adoption plunged into your heart - heck you might even go on to be successful in so many other areas of life...but it never stops hurting completely.
ReplyDeleteJust be gentle with yourself and be willing to talk about how you are feeling - it's the only way to manage this peculiar path we walk.
Many hugs from one first mother to another -
M.
From one M to another- thank you! Your words comforted me!
ReplyDelete