Quote of the week: Hourglass

Life is like an hourglass... Eventually, everything hits the bottom. All you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it around. - Unknown

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing all of you a Happy Thanksgiving!

For those of you traveling - be safe!

The Thanksgiving Holiday & Heartache

So, I've been wondering for the past couple weeks how I would handle holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and even little milestones. Since this week is Thanksgiving I have been thinking about how I enjoyed Thanksgiving time with my children that I already have and what I am going to miss about not having a new baby to share with the rest of my family.

With my daughter her first Thanksgiving was a riot because she was only 3 weeks old, and with Ethyn he was older and it was so much fun to see him interact with family.

When I think that we won't get to spend Thanksgiving with E or get to see his first moments maybe eating some mashed potatoes or green bean casserole, it kind of breaks my heart. I don't think it has really hit me quite yet on how I am going to feel on the day of. He is so blessed to have such a big family support and so many people that want to share their Thanksgiving with him, and somewhere deep down inside of me I wish that I could be spending it with him as well. I am wondering why my heart hurts so much during these times and why things are the way that they are. At this moment as I write this I'm not very hurt, I'm actually very calm, but I know that it's going to hit me on Thanksgiving when we are talking to family and friends about what we are thankful for how much I am thankful for him. I am thankful for E in so many ways, he has made me grow so much over the past 5 1/2 months that I can't really explain it, it's weird. Even though he is not around I still feel him in my heart.

I don't want to cry this week, I don't want to be sad, because Thanksgiving is about family, thankfulness, happiness and joy and it should be celebrated not mourned. I am in a content place this week, I think that Christmas will be the biggest hit for me, but I'll write about that another time. But I'm just wondering is how do I get through the holidays with the family that I do have here with me, instead of always missing the one person that I don't?

So much pondering and self reflection this week.

Quote of the Week: Friendship

"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts." - Maragret Lee Runbeck

Gift Ideas: Photo Gifts

In continuing with my gift ideas series, I have another gift idea for you: gifts that incorporate photos. 


First, let's talk about the photos themselves, then we'll talk about what to do with them.....


You are probably wondering what photo you should use. For those of you in open adoptions with visits, you could use a photo of you and your child at a visit. Or you could use a photo of your child that you took yourself. Or if photos of you and your child aren't an option, then you could use a photo of a neat area near you, a tourist area near you, yourself doing something cool or interesting, or simply a snapshot of yourself holding a sign saying "Hi ______." Those are just a few ideas of photos off the top of my head but you can get creative and have fun with it. 


Now, what to do with those ordinary photos to turn them into a special gift?? So many things! 


Photo puzzles - Photo puzzles are a fun idea. Send it all broken up and then the child will have to put it together to see the photo. You could also send some puzzle glue so they could glue it together once completed. 
Recordable picture frames - With a recordable picture frame you can display a favorite photo and record a short message for your child. 
Photo books - Nowadays, there are so many different companies where you can make photo books. You could make a book of pictures from visits that year if you have enough, you could make a scrapbook of your life, you could make an ABC photo book for a younger child; the options are endless! 
Photo mousepads - For an older child who is using a computer, a photo mousepad would be an unique gift idea using a photo. 
Photo playing cards - This would be a great gift idea for an older child to give them a set of playing cards displaying a neat photo. 


So tell me, what you have done interesting with a photo?? 

Quote of the week: Be who you want to be

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Angry...

I am angry...I am angry because I want to know when my bliss starts and when does it plan on happening for me? I want to know when my happiness starts. I am tired of crying over stuff that I shouldn't be crying over. I feel like this whole thing is taking over my life. It consumes every part of me. I can't sleep because all I feel is anger and animosity, and even jealousy. I see all my friends enjoying their new babies and all I want to do is scream. I don't have that new baby to hold, kiss, feed, change, and wake up with in the middle of the night.

I am angry at myself for not being okay with my decision. I was okay in the beginning, even hell bent on making sure that I was okay. And now, all I am is pissed off and mad. (sorry about the language). Don't get me wrong, I have two of the most amazing children that I could ever ask for-they are a blessing. And I have such an amazing support system in my husband that I truly need to stop complaining, but there is this huge hole in my heart. I feel like when I gave E up for adoption I gave away a part of myself. I feel like I have no passions, ambitions or dreams anymore. I always tell myself that I can do anything I set my mind to do, but I can't get myself out of this hole.

My grief system is off. Someone stated about the stages of grief in an earlier blog and I feel like all my stuff is backwards or non-existent. I can't deny that I gave my child up for adoption. I have accepted that part. But my anger and depression are starting to rear their ugly heads.

Through my agency I get a lifetime of counseling for this, but that's the thing...I DON'T want to talk to a complete stranger. I don't want my situation analyzed, I don't want to be told that "everything will be okay"...Because it won't be, and it isn't. Until we are financially set and able to see E I don't think that I will have the closure that I need. I don't want to be told that my feelings are normal, that will set me off. I am in a fragile state where if you say something, anything to me I go off. Like I said in the beginning this whole thing consumes my life. It is taking too much out of me and I need it to stop.

I want my life back....

Those were my feelings last week, and over the weekend things seemed much better. On the 5th we celebrated the 1 year "You found me" anniversary. A year ago on November 5th we found the adoptive couple that would completely change our lives forever. It was such a bittersweet day. And this weekend, November 7th my daughter turned 4 years old and we had amazing family and friends to share it with, so it kept my mind off of those things. But when those people leave and it's just me I sink back into my hole.

"Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now"

- The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony

Quote of the Week: Another step forward

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." - Thomas Edison

Fall Newsletter

The Fall edition of the BirthMom Buds Bulletin is now available. You can download it here.


Enjoy!

Selfless vs. Selfish

Some people say they "wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy", but recently I've been waking up in the morning feeling like dookie. "Dookie" is my code word for crap. I sometimes feel like "Is this the day that I lose it?"

I haven't had that mental or emotional breakdown that I was told would come from this whole process. I keep getting told "your story seems too good to be true", "this is not how adoptions go, you're not telling the whole truth". How do you explain and make people understand you're not normal? That's the thing, you shouldn't have to explain to others your feelings or explain to them how your story is. Because your story is your story and how you feel, deal, and handle everything about it is all you. Nobody else can be in your shoes or know your experience. Only you hold the truths to all of that.

I've always been a very emotional person, someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. But up until about 6 months ago I've put up a very high wall when it comes to my feelings and my story. There are always going to be people that don't understand it and don't really even want to understand it.


For example: The day that I gave birth to E I received a very hateful message from a woman telling me that "I was a horrible mother and that E is going to hate me for what I've done and that I will regret what I've done and that I should be ashamed of myself for having two children and thinking that E wasn't good enough to "keep"". You can only imagine the pain that I felt by that message, the anger, resentment, and sadness that was going through my head. I was trying to look at it from her point of view and trying to understand why she thought what I was doing was so selfish and was wishing that I could show her that it wasn't a selfish decision but a selfless one.

Our decision was one that we made, that I made with a very heavy heart. I didn't go into it thinking that it would be the easiest thing I'd ever do in my life, when in all actuality it is by far the HARDEST most DIFFICULT thing that I have ever had to do in my entire life. But I will never apologize for the decision that we made.

Our story is one in a million, not everyone gets to experience the joy in it too. But where there is joy there is always that lingering pain.

We aren't the only ones that are hurting. My mom is a mother and a grandmother, so it was hard for her to understand this choice. It was hard for her because she loved me and loved the child that was growing inside of me but no matter what my choice was she stood by me. She even came to visit me while in the hospital to say her hello's to E and let him know that she loved him. Selfless.

My husband has had family members that have been very loving and very supportive of our decision, most of which also came to the hospital to see E and to be there for us in our time of sadness. Selfless.

We also have had family members tell us that our adoption was a "publicity stunt to make people feel sorry for us and to like me more". We have taken those people out of our lives. The negativity of some people personally is disgusting but you have to realize that those people have nothing better to do then to talk badly about such a selfless and strong choice that you have made. That makes them selfish.

It's the reaction and actions you give and take that make the difference. I sometimes feel sorry for those people who can't understand or feel such an act of selflessness and love. You just want to shake them to make them understand, but doing so won't help, because you can't make those who aren't in it get it. Not everyone is strong enough to make this kind of choice. We are among the few that are strong enough to understand that we were chosen, we were picked to bring these children into the world and to bless others with the ability to have a family when they themselves could not do the same for themselves.

In closing I want to tell you do not let anyone tell you you are selfish, that you have made a bad decision. And don't ever feel that way either.

"We reflect on how things could have been but it was worth it in the end" -Daughtry

With love -

Alicia

Carolina Birthmoms

Carolina Birthmoms, there will be a PAGE (Post Adoption Group Encouragement) meeting on Saturday, Nov 6 at 10 AM in Charlotte, NC. For more information, email Meg at pagegroup@yahoo.com!

Quote of the week: Questions of a child

A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. - Unknown

Christmas Gift Ideas: Recordable Books

It's hard to believe but Christmas is just right around the corner. And those of us in open (or even some semi-open) adoptions are beginning to think about what we should send our children for Christmas. 


It is such a dilemma when it comes to gift giving for holidays and birthdays isn't it? We wonder things like: Should the gift be sentimental? Should it be age appropriate? Since we are not parenting our children and giving them the daily things such as clothes, food, and shelter like other parents do I think ultimately that it makes the dilemma of gift giving even harder because we given our children fewer things.


So between now and Christmas I'll be featuring some different gift ideas that I think would be appropriate for birthmothers to give their children. Hopefully this sporadic series of posts will help you and you'll either use one of my ideas or they will inspire you with other ideas. If you have a great idea, please email it to me or write a post about it on your blog and email me a link to it and I'll feature it here.


The first gift idea I'd like to share are the Hallmark recordable children's books. I orginally heard about these over a year ago and instantly wished that they had been around back when my son was young enough for these type of books. 

This book was also featured in the season finale of MTV's Teen Mom. In the episode, Tyler and Catelynn, visit with their daughter Carly. On the last day of their visit Tyler and Catelynn give Carly one of these books. Carly's adoptive Mom helps her look through book and you can hear Tyler and Catelynn's voices reading the book to Carly. It was a precious moment! 

There are currently 15 different books in the Hallmark recordable books line including some holiday books perfect for the upcoming holidays like The Night Before Christmas and some everyday titles as well such as All The Ways I Love You, Bright and Beautiful, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. 


The books are simple to use. You simply open them up and there is a "record" button in the front. Follow the prompts and record the story in your own voice for your child. 


What a great gift one of these books would be - it's an age appropriate yet a sentimental gift.

Finalizing Forever

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

You've signed the papers, you've given someone the gift of life, you've been that person to heal the hole in their hearts and you've been trying to move on and move forward and live your life. But what about what happens when you find out that your adoption is being finalized? 


Some people don't get the opportunity to hear or even know about the finalization hearing let alone given the option to attend it. When Trent and I first went with our open adoption our agency told us that there would be a hearing that we would be able to attend if we wanted to contest our adoption. And we immediately said, we don't want to know about it, we don't want to know where it is, what time it is, we personally just don't want the option to say "We want him back". I mean we spent the whole time making sure that we didn't get attached, that all these big things that would even give us the chance to go back on our agreement would be taken care of by the agency. We were set in our decision the day that we signed the papers, and never would have thought to say we changed our minds. But sometimes people do change their minds and that is normal, it's a motherly instinct. We, were just not those people. 


Well, we found out through E's adoptive parents that their finalization hearing is on October 27 and that's when they will be legally Ezra's parents forever, not that they aren't already, but you all know how the law works, it has to be written on paper. And I also found out that on October 30th E will be sealed in their life for eternity through their church. 


So, the reason for this blog is just to kind of go through the feelings. When I first found out about E's finalization hearing I was happy and excited for his parents but then I started thinking and I got sad. I know that I will always be his birth mom, I know that I will always hold a place in their hearts forever. It's just different because I sometimes feel like I should be the one he calls mom, but all it takes is looking at his pictures to realize, no, I was meant to be his birth mom, not his mother. That Trent was meant to be his birth dad, not his father. But looking at it from the outside looking in I know how people feel about these sort of things. I have had so many people ask me "If you love him why don't you just go get him", but what they don't realize is that our love for E runs so much deeper than all of the technical paperwork. Our love is a bond that will last a lifetime and he is being loved by the greatest people I know and I wouldn't have it any other way. 


When I found out that E will be blessed in their church I think I was more sad by that, only because we can't be there. Money is so tight so we are just wondering when we'll get to see him again. That's a really special day and we've seen other birth mom's be able to be there for their child's blessings, baptisms, etc. and it just seems like I am in this place where I'm wondering...when is it my turn. Then I have to sit and think to myself, I will get my turn, that things happen to us when He wants them to, not when we decide. And I also have to think that we are going to be at his 1st birthday no matter what. 


I also received some amazing pictures this past week. The first set of pictures were over the past few months and when I went to put them in E's album I realized I had ran out of room and I will need to get another album, probably a bigger one. I also received a photo book of their professional photos that they had taken for when E was 3 months. I feel completely blessed to be able to receive pictures and get to see him grow up.


Finalizing forever is like finalizing hope, finalizing your child's life, that he/she is going to be in the greatest hands that He could put them in. 


So, I leave you with this...


It's never goodbye, always see you soon.

Quote of the week: Past, present, future

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future. - Unknown