Greeting Cards

A couple months ago, I noticed that I often had the urge to tell C something. "I love you" or "I miss you" or "You're really just TOO cute!" Since I don't have the everyday option of snuggling him and telling him these things, I came up with another plan.

I scoured the $.99 card aisle at my local Target for cute, kid-friendly cards in themes like "missing you", "thinking of you", "love you"... or just blank notecards. I also got a nice box that was made for DVDs... which happen to be about the same size as standard gift cards.

Now, when I have those feelings, I grab a card from my bookshelf. The notes have ranged from serious to silly, depending on what I'm feeling at the time. It offers me an outlet to let out whatever emotion is welling up inside me, and it will provide C with some tangible evidence of just how often I think of him! It also keeps me from having to remember all the little things I want to share with him at some point... I know they are all written down and available to him when he's ready.

I put a date on the outside of the card and mark any special occasion it relates to. I also keep notes of dates that contain sensitive information. That way, if he's still pretty young and needs some evidence that I love him and think about him a lot, I can pull out any that might be inappropriate for his age and let him open all the cutesey ones. There are also a few that I think would be great to give him on special days later- his baptism, graduation, etc. I'm sure I'll write a new card then, too, but I hope this will be something special to share!

Do you have anything special you do to let your children know you're thinking about them?

September Newsletter

The September Newsletter is now up and available for your viewing pleasure. Check it out at www.birthmombuds.com/sept09.htm!

Quote of the Week: Self Pity

"Self pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it we can never do anything wise in this world."
- Helen Keller

"Mom at Sixteen" Movie Review

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Alicia M. 

Take a teenage girl who gets pregnant, an over protective single mom, and a younger sister who feels out of the mix when her older sister gets pregnant and that is the situation that Jacey Jeffries (played by Danielle Panabaker), her mom Terry Jeffries (played by Mercedes Ruehl) and her sister Macy Jeffries (played by Clare Stone) find themselves in, in the Lifetime Original Movie, Mom at Sixteen. 

Jacey gets pregnant at 15 years old by her boyfriend Brad, (played by Tyler Hynes). During her pregnancy, Jacey and her mom decide the best thing to do is place her baby for adoption. When Jacey is in the hospital with her son, she bonds with him and decides she can not place him for adoption. Jacey’s mother decides that they will keep the baby, whom they named Charlie, as long as she (the mom) tells everyone that Charlie is her son so Jacey can go back to school, go on her with her life, and fulfill all the dreams she has for her life.

They move to a new town where no one knows that Jacey had a baby. Jacey and her sister attend a new high school full of gossipy teens, where sex is as free wheeling as candy. She slowly starts to befriend her health/sex education teacher, Donna Cooper (played by Jane Krakowski). Mrs. Cooper and her husband Bob (played by Colin Ferguson), who is a coach at the school, have been trying to have a baby and even had a failed adoption. One day, Jacey faints at swim practice and has to go the emergency room.  Mrs. Cooper goes to the hospital to check on her and finds Jacey holding Charlie while waiting on her Mom to finish the hospital paperwork.  She talks to Jacey for a while and figures out that Charlie is Jacey’s son. .

Jacey and her Mom argue often and Jacey decides that she can handle being Charlie’s Mom – she doesn’t need her Mom to do it but Jacey struggles and turns to Mrs. Cooper for support learning that they (the Coopers) had a failed adoption placement and were struggling to have a child.

Jacey is beginning to realize that her Mom being Charlie’s Mom is not working and is still considering her options regarding placing Charlie for adoption. Jacey decides to join a group for young mothers and talks to the girls and learns more about open adoption versus raising their babies.

Time passes in the movie, and Mrs. Cooper excitedly runs into the gym telling her husband that she has just received a call from the adoption agency and that they have been chosen by a birthmom! At the adoption agency, they are told the birthmom has already had the baby and wants an open adoption. They agree and are anxiously waiting when Jacey walks in with her mother and Charlie. Jacey tells Mrs. Cooper that this is the hardest thing she will ever do.

In the last scene of the movie, Jacey is visiting the Coopers’ in their living room and Mr. Cooper is video taping them. He is asking Charlie, who appears to be about 5 years old, questions about what is new in his life. He says that he has a new baby sister and Mr. Cooper said "Where did she come from?' .Charlie tells him that his sister came from his mommy's tummy. And then Mr. Cooper asks Charlie where did he come from? And Charlie says, "From my Jacey's tummy." Mr. Cooper asks him, "Who is Jacey?" Charlie goes over to Jacey and hugs her. Mr. Cooper asks him, "What is so important about Jacey?" He says "I am the only one who knows how much she loves me." And Mr. Cooper says, "How is that?" Charlie says, "I am the only one who knows what her heart feels like from the inside." The movie ends with Charlie giving Jacey a big hug.

Mom at Sixteen is a touching, yet complex movie, which shows teenage pregnancy and open adoption in a very positive light. The birth mother and the adoptive family love each other deeply and they share their love for the child.  I left out many endearing scenes and would recommend this movie to anyone who has not seen it, but be sure to bring a box of Kleenex.

Sharing your Thoughts on Big Events

Growing up, I can remember listening to my parents tell me about their experiences, thoughts, and feelings of different big events in history such as the day President John Kennedy was assassinated. While this was something I learned about in school, it was also interesting and neat to me to learn about it outside of a text book, to hear the personal experiences of my parents and other relatives as well.

Something I started doing about five years ago for both my children is journaling about my thoughts and feelings on the big events and days in our country, on the days that will one day end up in text books.

I started doing this right after the September 11th attacks in 2001. I was still pregnant with Charlie at this time, he was born 9 days later but I still thought it would be neat to record my thoughts and feelings for him as well. Sure, he is going to learn about this in school and I’m sure his parents will tell him how they felt but this is a way for him to learn how I was feeling at that time.

Let me share how and why I do this using one of the more recent big events in our country, the Inauguration of President Obama……

Regardless of your political views, January 20th, 2009 was a big day in American history because not only is President Barack Obama the first African American president to lead our nation but also because he is the 44th President as well. January 20th, 2009 will be in text books for both of the reasons.

After watching the Inauguration on TV. I sat down and wrote about my thoughts and feelings as I watched the Inauguration and watched President Obama be sworn in as our new President. My plan now is to scrapbook that journaling along with a headline from today’s newspaper and place it in Charlie’s scrapbook. Since I am not raising Charlie, this will be a great way for him to see where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt on the important days in history.

The "Perfect" Family

Are you searching for the perfect family for your child?  Many times I have heard expectant mothers making adoption plans comment that they are searching for the perfect family to adopt their child. I have seen some mothers choose families pretty quickly as they find a family that meets what they are looking for easily while others may struggle, take a long time looking through profiles of prospective couples, interview and meet with multiple couples, and have a harder time finding a family that meets what they are looking for.

What constitutes a perfect family? Is it two parents? Is it a couple who is financially stable? Is it a family where one parent can stay at home with the children?

Let’s be realistic; there is no perfect family. While we want the absolute best for our children, a perfect family just doesn’t exist whether it’s biological or adoptive. When I was pregnant and thinking about what type of family I wanted for Charlie, the word “real” kept coming to mind. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, and I wanted a real family for Charlie.

It is a good idea to make a list of attributes or qualities that you wish for the adoptive family to have but you should also keep in mind that all of those variables could change. Later on, one of the parents could lose their job making them unstable financially, the stay at home Mom you wanted could decide to go back to work, or the two parent family becomes a single parent family through divorce. If you want a very open adoption and are purposely choosing a family that lives near by for that very reason, keep in mind that the family could move.

Just as with life, things change and the circumstances and situations of the adoptive family you choose could change too so don't concentrate so much on finding a picture perfect family as finding a good family that meets what you are looking for.

For a list of possible questions to ask prospective adoptive families, check out this link.

Introducing Britney

Hi Ladies!

Coley asked if I was interested in writing a weekly post here at the Birthmom Buds blog in addition to my own, and I said yes! So, let me introduce myself:

My name is Britney, and I'm birthmom to an adorable 4-month-old little boy I call "C". I have an open adoption with his parents, H&L.

I'm a 24-year-old native Texan. I am studying non-profit administration through online courses and working for a local talk radio station. I go to a great church and volunteer in the nursery on Sundays, and I enjoy staying pretty politically involved.

I found out I was pregnant a little over a year ago. I decided to place C for adoption very early in my pregnancy but, as most of us did, vacillated between parenting and placing several times before I made the final decision. Originally, I thought I would be placing him with friends, but ended up meeting H&L through the agency I worked with about four months before C was born.

I found Birthmom Buds while searching online about a week after my pregnancy was officially confirmed and got an e-mail from a mentor later that week. I've also had the opportunity to know several birthmoms "in real life," and I am so grateful for their support!

Since placing, I've become involved with a local group called Adoption Knowledge Affiliates, which has monthly meetings where all triad members (adoptive parents, birth parents and adopted persons) and adoption professionals gather and share our experiences.

If there's anything else you'd like to know about me, please feel free to ask! I look forward to sharing a bit of my journey with you!

What's Coming Up?

Happy September!! We have some great posts coming up this month here on the BirthMom Buds Blog!

Each Sunday, we'll continue to share a "Quote of the Week" hoping to inspire you and get your week off to a great start.

We have a new blogger to the mix! Aren't you getting tired of it just being me (Coley)? Each Tuesday, (starting today!) Britney, will post sharing bits and pieces of her life as a new birthmother.

On Wednesdays, we'll post something pertinent for women who are pregnant and considering adoption.

On Thursdays, Coley will share a post that is related to Open Adoption.

And of course, periodically through out the month we'll share links to articles, make announcements, and host guest bloggers.

We're looking for someone to write about closed adoption and the search and reunion process. If you are interested or if you'd be interested in writing a weekly post, guest blogging, or if you have a great idea for a topic we should cover, please comment or email us!

Photo Credit

Back to School Bmoms by Jenifer H.

Today's post is written by guest blogger, Jenifer H.

Deciding to go back to school can be a daunting task for anyone, especially when you have just placed your child for adoption and are going back to school broken hearted or if you are going back after years of a “hiatus.”

Adoption is a touchy subject and is going to be treated differently by anyone/everyone you come into contact with.  I have learned that it’s important not to judge people, because we don’t know their history on why they feel about certain topics that they do.  Adoption brings about emotions in people that I never imagined possible.  When deciding to go back to school, it can be really difficult.  As a birthmom who has recently gone back to college after 10 years, I think there are some important things to keep in mind.

Here are a few pointers as you head back to school:    

• Foundation - It is important to make sure that you have a solid foundation to step back into ‘normal’ life through counseling, support, and information.  
• Positive people – It is important to make sure that you surround yourself with positive people.  After my daughters adoption I had people that I thought were my friends, turn out not to be good friends at all. After finding BirthMom Buds and finally being able to connect with others who really knew what I’d been through, I have been able to grow and actually move forward with my life.  
• Be prepared –  If you are going right back to school after having your baby, people will have obviously known you are pregnant and may have questions. Be prepared for these nosey questions and think ahead of time what you may want to say.  
• Writing assignments – Occasionally you may have creative writing assignments that may open the door for you to share your adoption experience. Remember you may have to read this aloud and it may be read by many, so only share what you are comfortable sharing with everyone.
• Achieve your dreams - Perhaps you had to put off your education due to pregnancy, but it’s always good to try and achieve your dreams. Personally, I have finally discovered what I want to do with my life.  It’s taken a long time… but I finally know what I want.
• Online courses - Taking online courses is a great way to ease back into school.  The time factor is the greatest part of online courses.  I still have deadlines and times to finish assignments, but I can do it on my time throughout the week.   Another great aspect to taking an online course that I have discovered is, it’s less intimidating.  It can be very tough to decide to go back to school, especially being older.  I was proud when I went to the school to get my ID card, but relieved when I didn’t have to step inside of a classroom and face the ‘younger kids’ yet.  Due to my major I will have to go back to a classroom setting to complete my degree, but I can get used to teachers, homework and corresponding with other students online first.
  

Heading back to school has been tough, but having a goal to focus on is helpful.  I hope that you can find peace in knowing that you are working for something.  Knowing that I have a goal keeps me going.  I never got to sit through a long and boring graduation ceremony, due to my pregnancy, but knowing that at the end of this journey I will be able to do that is a true testament to my ‘moving forward’ and being able to grow from my past.  It is a testament to my daughter and the decision I made 10 years ago, to place her with a loving family for adoption.  May you find peace and success in your decision and journey to go back to school!

Quote of the Week: Being Sad

"Being sad is not a personal attack by your emotions - it is a natural reaction to life sometimes."
~ Unknown

Birth Grandparents

When I was pregnant and making an adoption plan, I didn’t give much thought to how it would affect my extended family, like my parents. I forgot to think about the fact that not only was I loosing a son (in the parenting sense of the word) they were loosing the ability to be grandparents to their grandson in the “normal” sense of the word. But thanks to the open adoptions that many birthmothers and adoptive families have nowadays, birth grandparents are sometimes able to have some type of involvement and relationship with their grandchild. (Note: The type of involvement and relationship will differ with each open adoption relationship.)

How can birth grandparents be involved?
It depends on the parties involved in the adoption agreement and ideally is something that should be discussed before the adoption takes place. Birth grandparents can be included at visits, sent pictures, invited to birthday parties and other events, etc. Sometimes it takes time to develop a relationship and for the birth grandparents to become involved. Some birthmoms (I was guilty of this in the beginning) may feel that their time is too precious to share and may not want their parents involved at first.

What should the child call his/her birth grandparents?
Again this is something that should be discussed before hand and will depend on what everyone is comfortable with. In some cases, children may call their birth grandparents “grandma” or “grandpa” or whatever term it is that the other grandkids (if the child is not the first) call them. In other cases, he or she may just refer to them by their first name. It really depends on what everyone involved feels comfortable with.

Birth Grandparents do grieve just as we (birthmothers) do and therefore, support is beneficial to them as well. However, there are not a lot of resources out there specifically for birth Grandparents.  Below is a list of the few resources that I have found for birth Grandparents.

• General Information and Resources for Birth Grandparents 
• Grandparents in Open Adoptions  
• Birth Grandparents: What is your role? 
• Branches of the Family Tree 
• Supporting Birthparents 
• Common Pitfalls while Supporting Birthparents

If you don’t think that your parents would be open to checking out the above resources then you may be looking for ways you could help them yourself. In an article entitled Can a Child have too Many Grandmas? Brenda Romanchick shares a few tips of ways that you could help and educate your parents.

Brenda suggests:

• Teach them what you have learned about the adoptive family. Whether it is important holidays that the adoptive family celebrates, or their style of gift-giving, passing on known information will make contact easier on everybody. Knowing, for example, that the adoptive parents do not allow toy guns in the house will prevent the possibility of an awkward situation. Letting them know the communication style of the adoptive parents and your child will also give them an idea of what contact may be like. If, for example, it takes a long time for your child to warm up to strangers, family members will know not to expect the child to run to them with open arms.
•  Let them know that all children are created equal. This is especially important if there are other children in the adoptive family. The best way to do this is to remind them that they are accepting the entire adoptive family into their lives, not just your child.
• Prepare them for possible emotional fallout. All of us remember what those first visits were like. Just as you have had to learn to deal with the bittersweet quality of open adoption, so will your family members. Many of our parents especially may find that visits bring a new dimension to their loss.
  

So, how are your parents handling being a birth Grandparent? Feel free to pass along these resources and information if you feel comfortable. 

(Photo Credit)

Creating a Pregnancy Scrapbook

Have you thought about or started making a pregnancy scrapbook? You may not feel like making one or feel that you should be making one if you are experiencing an unplanned but as minor as it may sound this is one of my regrets. Even though your pregnancy is unplanned, I encourage you to still try and make the most of it try to enjoy being pregnant whenever possible. Easier said than done, though, right? 

Regardless of what you ultimately decide about either making an adoption plan or a parenting plan, a pregnancy scrapbook can be a great way to remember your pregnancy as well as a neat keepsake item for your child in the future. Plus, it could also relieve some stress by channeling some energy into something positive. Why not invite some girlfriends over, make a “girl night in “out of it, and crop till you drop!

Making a pregnancy scrapbook doesn’t have to be as involved as it may sound. It doesn’t have to be fancy or elaborate (unless you want to do fancy and elaborate) but rather a place to record pregnancy milestones and photos. 

What should you include in a pregnancy scrapbook? Anything related to pregnancy of course! Be creative! Anything goes; you are only limited by your imagination!

Some ideas of things you could include in a pregnancy scrapbook:

• Ultrasound photos
• Belly progression photos
• Photo of pregnancy test
• Record of stats from each doctors visit (weight, belly growth, etc)
• Confirmation of pregnancy sheet from doctor
• Calendar pages that you jot down pregnancy milestones on (like when you felt the first kick)
• Memorabilia (such as labels from the foods you were craving)
• Plans you may be making regarding adoption such as when you met the adoptive parents, a photo from that meeting, journaling about how you chose them, etc.
• Journaling about your thoughts and feelings

Anything else that is meaningful to yourself or that you feel may be meaningful to your child one day!

"Tummy Mummy" Book Review by Leah O.

For Kaylee’s 4th birthday last year, I was trying to come up with the perfect gift as usual. It is often is a huge task for me each year as I’m trying to decide what is age appropriate and what message I want to send her through her birthday gifts.  For her 4th birthday, I decided on an adoption book since she was getting older and it might help her understand the dynamics of her twice-the-love family and how it came to be through adoption.  I knew I wanted the book I chose to echo these things: my love for her, her parents love for her, and somewhat reflect our open domestic adoption.

I searched and searched and finally an adoptive mother recommended the book, The Tummy Mummy by Michelle Madrid-Branch.  After reading reviews online, I ordered it and prayed that it would be age appropriate and “fit” our family as much as it could since I could not read it before I ordered. Thankfully, it suited my requirements and I was excited to give it to Kaylee. 

The Tummy Mummy narrates adoption from the birthmother’s perspective, which I loved.  It talks about a woman who loved her baby very much but knew she could not take care of it and then talks about a couple who had lots of love and all the baby things, but did not have a baby.  Therefore it shows that all around there is love for the child even before she was born. My favorite part is how the wise owl in the book guides the Tummy Mummy across the lake and leads her to the family. This to me was especially important because in my adoption, my “wise owl” was God and He certainly led me to Kaylee’s family. For another person, that wise owl could symbolize someone else in the adoption story (a counselor, social worker, a friend, etc). In the end, the message of love from all sides is well known, even from the birthmother afar. I loved that message: that even though I am not with her all the time I still love her.

While no book is going to perfectly match each of our adoption stories, this book of all the ones I’ve fit our story and the message I wanted to convey the most, even including a “God” figure.  If this one does not fit your story? There are more out there, just keep looking! Or, you can make your own.  Also, remember to ask your child’s adoptive parents if they are okay with you giving an adoption related and see what they might already have on their bookshelf!

This review was written by Leah O. To read more of Leah's writings,
visit her blog, O. Momma Writes.

Guest Bloggers

From time to time, we'll have guest bloggers here on the BirthMom Buds blog. Those guest bloggers will share articles and thoughts on a variety of topics all related to adoption, of course.

If you would be interested in sharing something as a guest blogger, leave a comment or drop us an email.

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Quote of the Week: Loving More than One Mother

“If a mother and father can love two children, why is it so hard to understand that a child could love more than one mother and father?”
- Unknown

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