Time

As I reflect on my life and this forever journey of adoption, I can't help but realize how much timing and circumstances have shaped my life.  As I sit here now, pregnant with my fourth child, I can't help but reflect on all my pregnancies, but in particular the one I so often remember with my son Aidan.

In many ways, I try not to look back on my decision to place my son for adoption.  I know it was the right decision at the time and there are so many blessings that have come from it.  However, it is so easy to look at the time that has passed and think, if only it had been a different time; if only I was a little bit older; if things were a little bit different.  In my story, my life drastically changed following the birth of my son.  I believe this was due to things I learned and experienced along the way, but it is still hard to look at the time and the changes and not wish things hadn't happened differently.  Obviously, if it had been a different time then it wouldn't have been Aidan and the years following would not have followed the same path, but in my emotional reflections on things there is always that little wish, or wondering if the time had been different.

For me it was only two years later that my daughter was born and I began the amazing journey of parenting.  Now I have three beautiful daughters in my home and an amazing husband.  I have the family that I felt my son would be missing out on, and here it is only a few years later.

It was always so important to me that my children had a mother and father in the home.  I knew Aidan would not have a father figure, and that played a part in my decision for adoption.  Now I see my husband with our girls and it breaks my heart that he cannot be the father to Aidan.  It is amazing how quickly things can change.  While I am so blessed to be at such an amazing place with a wonderful family, it can also be hard. If only I had known.... If only....

I know things have happened as they were meant to be, and I am forever grateful for each and everything I have learned along the way.  I am blessed beyond all belief by each one of my children in their own unique way.  I know that time has changed things and I know more change will come with the years.  I choose to feel peace.  I choose to feel joy.  I choose to feel love.  I must remind myself: keep looking forward, while still embracing the past.  It has made me who I am today.

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