The First Birthday

My daughters first birthday is coming up later this week and let me tell you, it has been a strange month. I’d like to think that I have been doing pretty well over this last year. Yes, I have cried when I needed to cry and yes I have been in touch with my emotions and yes I have had bad days when I didn't want to get out of bed, but all in all I have had a pretty good year. I returned to school and got my very first job. I am at peace with my decision and I know I did the best I could have done under the circumstances, but this last month has been so hard. Every time I think about her upcoming birthday I want to cry. I am sad that she is growing so fast and that it feels like yesterday that she was rolling around in my belly keeping me up all night. I have just been plain sad these last few weeks.

 Even during my pregnancy I never had a time like this where I was just sad. It has taken some getting used to and after talking to several other birth moms I realized that sometimes this is just the way you are going to feel. There will be times of the year that are just harder than others.  Everyone grieves differently and for me it took a year before I was feeling this level of sad. Trust me I was devastated in the beginning during those first few weeks and leaving the hospital with nothing in my arms, but that didn't last long because only 8 weeks after placing I returned to school 3 hours away from home and was able to keep my mind a little busy.

But now as this first year comes to a close I have been feeling emotions I didn't quite know was possible.  And for those of you, who are also in their first year; don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad for how you are feeling. Honestly this really applies to any birth mother out there, but if you feel like you have to cry everyday then do it. If you don’t feel like you need to cry, then don’t. Grieve in your own way. Every adoption is different and so is every birth mother.

This last year has taught me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We are all strong women who have made it through one of the hardest things we will have to. We survived and we are thriving. I am proud of every woman on birth mom buds who has made it through one of the hardest journeys in life. 

We have made plans to facetime on her birthday with her and her parents, even though she is only a year old and she most likely wont sit still for long, I am so excited to see how big she is. Just seeing her for a minute on her birthday would make me feel so happy and relieved to see how far we have come in the past year.  And I will be sure to let everyone know how this "visit" goes.

How did you handle your child's first birthday and the first year after placement? How did you grieve? Were you able to contact or speak with your child? 

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