One of my main goals for telling my story is to change the
perception of adoption. Unfortunately, unplanned pregnancies happen. Why is the
main stream so tied to Parenting vs Abortion? Why is there so much shame and stigma
towards Adoption?
I believe I knew in the beginning, while still pregnant that
I was not equipped to parent my son and provide for him as he deserved. But, I
fell into the trap thinking that my choices were parent or abort to be accepted
by those in my life. If I had an abortion no one had to know. And, well, if I
parented then “I stepped up”.
I tried. God knows, I tried. I parented for 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I felt
confident that adoption was a viable option from the beginning. I believe the
healing process would have been easier had the shame and guilt not hung over me
like a cloud on a stormy day for so long.
We, as birthmothers, do not love our children any less. We,
as birthmothers, are not looking for a way out from responsibility. This may
sound a little self-righteous, but when people look at me in horror when I tell
them about the adoption and say things like, “I could never GIVE my child away,
I love him too much.” I want to answer back, “Maybe I loved my son MORE than
you and that is why I did everything I had to, to make sure he had the best
life possible.” It is not that I truly feel that way. I just cannot grasp why
others believe that is what adoption is about.
I was excited when the movie Juno came out. Finally a movie about a birth mom. They did a good job, overall. But, I was angry. I was angry that they did not show an accurate portrayal of the roller-coaster this teen mom would go through. I had not heard of the movie that Natasha just reviewed, Like Dandelion Dust, but I'm disgusted with the portrayal of that movie as well.
Adoption is HARD, but it also BEAUTIFUL. Adoption is not weak, it is BRAVE. Adoption is not selfish, it is SELFLESS. Adoption is not shameful, it is INSPIRING. Adoption is not indifference, it is LOVE. These are the key words that need to be used when discussing adoption.
No one wants to find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. None of us want that for our children, family members or friends. But it happens. It will continue to happen. I wish everyone who found themselves in that situation immediately thought parenting or adoption. I may be pro-choice, but I do not believe anyone should feel that is their only choice if they are unable to parent.
I want to educate others to be pro-active regarding adoption. I want the media to build adoption up, not tear it down. I want us, as birth mothers, to be able to hold our head high, not be tempered by shame or guilt. We chose good things for our children. We planned more promising futures for our children. We should NEVER feel bad for that.
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I used to think adoption was a good thing. But the more I learn about it? The more I think it needs to be outlawed. I don't know your situation, but maybe you needed help, guidance, support or something to get you through the hard spots. You are enough for your child. No one else can replace you and like it or not, adoption creates a lifetime of pain and loss for you and your child. The media does build adoption up which is the problem. Perfectly capable mothers are convinced by sly adoption agencies that their child needs someone else.
ReplyDeleteAndrea, I would love the opportunity to speak with you 1-on-1 to better understand your position.
DeleteIs the birth mom who does drugs and gets into a drunk driving accident while pregnant the best option for an innocent baby? Is the birthmother who places a baby for adoption before her husband gets out of jail to hide the fact that she was sleeping with someone else the best option for an innocent baby? Is the birth mom who is found unconscious from a drug OD and jailed for 10+ years shortly after the baby is born the best option for an innocent baby? Or is the best option for that birth mom's baby a loving family who wants to parent, who is willing and able to love another's baby as their own, unconditionally? Through all the bad choices that particular birth mom made, she chose life for her baby, and she chose to allow the baby to have a full happy life. The fact is all situations are unique. Fortunately for loving birth mom's and their babies adoption is an option.
Delete"Adoption is HARD, but it also BEAUTIFUL. Adoption is not weak, it is BRAVE. Adoption is not selfish, it is SELFLESS. Adoption is not shameful, it is INSPIRING. Adoption is not indifference, it is LOVE. These are the key words that need to be used when discussing adoption."
ReplyDeleteWhy do these words need to be used? To convince ourselves we did what was "right"? Adoption is NOT those things to that majority of first Moms, it is a grief that takes a lifetime to work through and most never do. There is nothing beautiful brave or loving about walking away from your child and leaving them for strangers to raise. Most of us ARE ashamed that we let down one of the most important people we will ever know in life, our child.
I agree. Also those words are what made me feel pressured to choose adoption. As if I had parented I would have been selfish for wanting my own child, and I would have been weak for not following through. Give me an effing break. While I'm glad birthmothers are not as shamed as in the past, the language used to coerce them still makes me want to puke.
DeleteI am sorry you are hurting, truly. I also want you to know that I grieve each and every day as well.
DeleteBut, I do not believe I am alone in that I chose adoption for my son out of love. I am not ashamed that someone could provide more for him, I am ashamed that I could not.
I do not need to convince myself that I was right or wrong, I simply need to finish my story for my son.
We all have our own story. We all need to support one another. Our stories may be written differently, some more painful then others, but we all have a bond. We all share a loss.
I don't believe I said anything about my hurting. I simply stated that the word you used in your post are words the industry uses to convince us that we aren't good enough because we are poor, unwed and young.
DeleteJust as you believe those words are positive, I don't think they are. They say something that is less than uplifting. They say I wasn't good enough to be his/her Mom and that simply isn't true. God created that baby for you, in your womb. If he intended him for another then that other person would have given him life.
I just don't understand why people assume a first Mom is hurting or angry if she has feelings similar to mine. I have held these opinions for many many years (my daughter is 28) through periods of grief and periods of acceptance.
Delete"God created that baby for you, in your womb. If he intended him for another then that other person would have given him life."
DeleteAre you kidding me?????? You couldn't be more wrong. So the woman who struggles with infertility is just never meant to have a baby? The woman who doesn't marry until she's too old to safely conceive is not to meant to have a baby? The woman who carried a baby to term and lost that baby isn't meant to have a baby? And the woman that was raped is meant to have a baby? And the woman who used drugs throughout her entire pregnancy is meant to have a baby? How narrow-minded of you. God creates families in all sorts of way. Adoption can be absolutely beautiful if the birth mother makes an informed decision that she believes is best for her child - whether that be her raising the child or another family raising that child. I'm sorry your experience wasn't good, but that doesn't mean adoption isn't a viable and beautiful option for many others.
*gag*
ReplyDeleteEverything about this article frustrated me. Everything. Who says my son has a more promising future? He just has a different future now.
I never said that our children have more promising futures without us.
DeleteI actually wrote a post about that not to long ago: "Twists and Turns".
My adoption plan was for my son to have a more promising future. That doesn't mean that it was guaranteed. One of the most difficult things to deal with is the fact that the "plan" didn't work out.
Beautifully said Bethany. Adoption can be beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI've never understood the statement that adoption is beautiful. Unless it comes from an adoptive parent, it isn't beautiful for the adoptee who has lost his family and is now living with strangers, most definitely not for the first Mom who will mourn the rest do her life from walking out of the hospital doors with empty arms...that empty arm feeling never goes away.
DeleteSo yeah, it must be for adoptive parents that adoption is beautiful.
For me, At 16, seeing my beautiful baby girl (who was conceived as a result of something so ugly and painful) held by her new mother made adoption beautiful....
DeleteSeeing pics of my daughter growing up over the years made adoption beautiful....
Meeting my daughter years later and hearing her thank me for life, made adoption beautiful.
Yes, it was hard at times. I grieved for my baby girl but there was beauty to be found in the ashes.
Daughter Left Behind: You have at least 2 birth mother's saying adoption is beautiful, for them. Please, be respectful of other's experiences. Adoption is broken. Everyone has their own experience.
DeleteI don't believe I have said anything disrespectful. Just as you said yourself everyone has their own experience, I was just voicing mine...and when I did only one person had left a comment not two.
Delete