Roller-coasters: Emotional & Circumstantial

My adoption closed almost 5 years post-placement from semi-open. I'm not sure if all the emotional aspects are the same for me or not as I reach one of the final milestones. But Frogger will be 18 this fall. 

It’s a struggle. I am so excited that I will finally reach that major milestone where Frogger can, by law, contact me. I am also afraid of getting my hopes up. Yet, I cannot help but to be excited.  I have done countless hours of research through the years, so I know that boys are less likely to seek out their birth-family, especially, early into adulthood.

Frogger is a part of my daily life. His pictures are throughout my house. My daughter, Ladybug, knows about her brother and has questions and expectations of a reunion as well. My family and friends remind me often that this is the year he turns 18, as though I forget.

Adoption is not only a roller coaster of emotion, but of circumstance as well. Will he want to meet me? Will he want to know me? Did he have the happy life that I had hoped for him? In spite of my believing in my decision, was it, in fact, the right one?

What about his parents? How are they feeling as Frogger’s 18^th birthday comes barreling towards us? Are they encouraging him to reach out or are they afraid of losing him?

It’s a roller-coaster  If he doesn't want to meet me is it because he feels that I abandoned him? Or is it because I truly did plan such an amazing life for him that he doesn't feel like a part of him is missing? And if he does not choose to connect, is the opposite is true?

I have had many people suggest through the years that my placing after parenting must have been more difficult than if I had placed at birth. I don’t think that is true. I had the opportunity to know him. I had the opportunity to be called “mummy”, by my son. There is no mistaking that I was his mom. It allowed me to know that my decision was because I thought he needed more than I could give. I have never felt that other’s made the decision for me. I have never felt that I was placing because of other people’s expectations.

All of the above is why I am here. I want to be able to help others on the “Adoption Roller-coaster . I want to tell my story, and maybe I can help someone. And most of all, I want Frogger to be able to find at least a small part of his story even if reunion is not his choice.