A Birth Mother Story

I'm Lisa. I am 48 years old and I am a birthmother.  I was 26 when I was pregnant with my son and because of my past and things that I went through, my brain shut down and I was not in my right mind, as a result, I have no memory of what took place prior to the adoption.  I don’t remember having the child, or leaving the hospital.  I have pieces of memories that are no help for me to come to an understanding of what happened to me then.  I have been told that this adoption wasn’t my decision.  I wanted to keep my baby, but because of my emotional and mental breakdown from my past, two family members decided that adoption was best.  I didn’t get the 3 days with my baby, I didn’t get to say good-bye or fight for what I wanted.  The hospital just moved me off the floor and put me somewhere else.  Probably because I was saying things like---”I want to keep my baby”.  This is where I would like to get involved with changing the rules and policies of adoption.  I want to make sure everyone is treated fairly, counseling is always mandatory prior to adoption, and everyone understands just what is going to happen, now and in the future.

My husband (boyfriend at the time) is a great man.  I absolutely love him and thank God for him.  He has been wonderful through all this.  He is the biological father of our son and back then my family hated him.  My mother would do anything to get him out of my life.  No one went to him and said “I don’t think she can handle taking care of a baby, and give him the chance to voice his opinion”, No they just decided to give him away.  I can only imagine how he must of felt back then being shut out of everything.  No one in my family stood beside me or showed me any support of any kind.  I just shut down because it was to painful to go through.

I remember one day sitting in my chair and it was like someone shook me awake, that’s when I said “I think something happened”.  I do remember going to my phone and making a phone call to the agency that handled it.  (I must have had that number  when I left the hospital. ) I remember telling the lady “I think I made a mistake, could you send someone to come and talk with me”, she said they would send someone to help me.  No one ever came, so I kept calling.  Finally the lady says to me, “its too late, forget about him”, I was crushed.  I felt so empty inside.  I called yet again and asked if I could put cards and letters in his file so he would know that I love him.  She told me “No that is not allowed” and hung up on me.

Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that all I can do is write my feelings down.  I do have a great husband to help me through things but sometimes that is not enough.  My dream would be to help someone, if its only one person, I would feel I was doing some good.  Anyone that has been through an adoption knows, NO ONE understands what you are going through or feeling unless you went through it yourself.  I am a member of the Adoption.com forum and without them, I would of been in a hospital with a mental breakdown.   That is how I heard of this organization, I wrote to them because I didn’t know what else to do.  Someone from the forum wrote me and gave me Birth Mom Buds information.

It was 2 years ago when my husband came home and told me that our birth son was looking for us.  I was hysterical, I couldn’t breath, or focus.  I was doing my own research to find him about 3 years before this happened.  I never told anyone what I was doing this,  so when he came home and told me this, well, I just lost it.   Having a reunion with my son was a blessing and exciting time, then the next day I just started crying, uncontrollably.  I couldn’t function.  I was a mess, I could not talk to anyone, go anywhere, even to sit with my family was hard.  I would leave the room because all I could do was cry.  The grief, pain, and guilt was all brought back and almost got the best of me.

Now I am not saying that I am against adoption, because in the right situation, it can be a beautiful thing.  I know birthmothers who it has been the right decision for.  I  want to be able to help someone through whatever they may be going through.  I think this blog is a wonderful opportunity for anyone needing to talk or just find support.  You don’t have to face anyone, you just write.  I think that makes a big difference, especially if your not ready to open your life to someone.  I just think its easier this way, at least it was for me.

I am still very emotional over this and sometimes feel very depressed and just don’t understand why this happened, but I am really trying to think positive.  Knowing that my son was raised in a good and loving home is a  comfort for me.  That is probably the only thing that gets me through the really hard days.  Plus I do have contact with my son, and he assures me that everything is ok with him and he had a good life.  But there is still those nagging questions and the hurt I will always feel I guess.

So I guess what I am saying here is no matter the situation, you can heal and go on.  Mine was negative because of the way it was handled.  But with support and someone to talk, it can help you on the road to healing (or I like to say, being able to cope).  Having a support system outside of my family has been a great help to me.  You can vent your feelings and believe me, someone always answers and understands.  It makes whatever your going through a little less painful and easier to get through.

I hope by reading this someone will be able to relate to this and become part of this great place.  Everyone here will be understanding and not judge you in any way.  No matter if you are going to do adoption, or your thinking about it or you have already done it, someone is always here for you.  If you have questions or just need to talk through your feelings, we can do that too.  I just hope this can help someone feel that they are not alone, it can really be a relief to know that.

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